Tuesday, December 8, 2009
It is done--
I threw caution to the wind
through a crack in the window!
How quickly the wind died
and came the deathly calm and silence.
The peace I formerly craved
now envelopes me
and I am inconsolable.
My mind races--
desperate to recapture
what has moved away on the breeze
But, no matter how fast I go,
I can't seem to catch that Elusive Wind
which has carried my hopes away.
Monday, December 7, 2009
It would probably horrify most of my friends if they knew how close to being homeless I am. But, something in the universe keeps bringing me back to this place and I can't ignore there must be a reason why......something I didn't learn the first time I was here. So, I'm trying to be still and listen for the lessons I'm meant to gain from this time in my life.
On a more bloggy note, I noticed yesterday I averaged a blog a week for 2008.......I'm well behind that pace for 2009. I'm contemplating trying to blog just a little a day to make up for it, but I probably won't unless I feel I have something I want to write.
I hope this post doesn't come across as a downer. For how I'm feeling is so far from it. I have so many blessings in my life for which to be thankful. My life is full of family and friends.........and I'm not chained to a job I hate!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Because of my inability to manifest any incarnation of the "psycho girl" I felt there were instances (several, in fact) where I lost the guy. Don't get me wrong.......deep down, I really believe if a man is capable of caving in the face of histrionics (or incapable of resiting it), he's NOT the man for me.
It is with extreme tentativeness I write this blog but, [drum roll, please] after almost 9 years of taking the high road, minding my p's and q's and conducting myself in a manner in which I can always look myself in the mirror and know I was true to what I believe to my very core.......brace yourselves.......it appears I have beaten the psycho girl.
Despite all the distractions (ahem....other men) which have entered my life in the last 18 months, I found myself returning to one I never intended to see after the night we met. Almost 9 years later and I really, really can't ignore the easy, comfortable connection I have with this man.
I'm not sure what the future holds for me where he is concerned, but for the first time, I feel like I have a chance. And, although I can't fake some sort of infantile fit to secure a man's affections, I have learned to not be so passive with revealing my feelings.
So.....here it is for the blogosphere: I really, really like this man and want him to be in my life as long as possible. Sorry, if you were expecting a declaration of love. I do love him in many ways, but prefer to keep those revelations between he and I.....he's just that important to me and I've been wrong to not freely admit it.
WHEW! I feel much better now with the record having been set straight! If anyone is interested in my Soul Mate Theory, you can read about it HERE
Sorry for the delay, folks! Keep checking back for the new footage!
Jenny Diehl, Semi-Final Round, Pop Female, 2nd Place Nationals:
Jimmy Tighe 2, Round 2:
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Justin TV- http://justin.tv
I discovered this channel while looking for a place to watch a free, live-stream of OU games. What a goldmine! In addition to the game, there are a few channels which constantly stream programs and movies I love. The only draw back is there's no set viewing schedule.....where ever the channel is when you log in, is where you start.....and it contines from there. But, it's free, so the "draw back" is in no way a complaint from me! Here are some channels I watch often.
Cartoon Palace-this channel constantly streams feature length cartoons. So far, they've been Disney and Pixar.....and they aren't just old movies....this morning, they've had "Up" in the streaming loop. If you have kids, you'll love this channel!
True Crime- this channel streams shows like Forensic Files and all sorts of documentaries about serical killers, forensic science, etc......
BBT Seasons 1-3i this channel isn't always online, but he streams the first 3 seasons of Big Bang Theory when he is......that show is hysterical!!!! Sheldon is my favorite!
Star Wars, Episodes I-VI- a constant, live-stream of all 6 Star Wars movies. Although I don't care too much for episodes I-III, I still enjoy this channel!
Go check it out and search around........not a disappointment at all!
Monday, November 2, 2009
To be quite honest, I hadn't really heard of Buckethead until the beginning of this year when my friend, Shawn, posted a picture of him on facebook. Even then I wasn't privy to the knowledge of WHO Buckethead was. For weeks I tried to deductively reason an explanation of the picture and who/what it was from the comments left by others who obviously knew who he was. I, however, was unsuccessful and didn't dare ask lest I look foolish for not knowing. Don't get me wrong......I am foolish. Foolish for waiting 6 months to finally man up and ask about Buckethead.
Shawn was gracious and didn't make fun of me for my ignorance (although I really deserve anything he could dish out as repayment for the "Mark Hamil Incident"). He not only introduced me to the wonderfully versatile repertoire of Buckethead but also gave me some invaluable pointers about where to start as a fledgling listener. [THANK YOU, SHAWN!]
This is Buckethead:
I could spend time trying to explain the "persona" or unmask him, but for what reason? I've spent countless hours chasing links on the internet and I would encourage any and all to read the information floating around the cybersphere. Here's what I'll tell you about him before I put links to a few tracks. Buckethead was born Brian Patrick Carroll on May 13th, 1969. That's right.....he's a 13-baby! There's an interesting story about why he wears the bucket and mask(originally it was a KFC bucket), but in all honesty, I believe he wears it because it's about the music. Let me say that again: It's all about the music. I didn't read this anywhere and it's totally my own theory, but as a music lover, it just makes sense and seems obvious to me. He has recorded over 50 albums of original work in his 40 years on this terrestial sphere. Go ahead, do the math.....that's more than an album a year if he had burst from the womb shredding. From everything I've read, no one contends that was the case. In fact most accounts have him appearing on the "guitar scene" in 1988.
Although I didn't actually know about Buckethead, that's not to say I had never heard any of his work. For a few years, I've heard my nephews talk about "Jordan", one of the hidden tracks they unlocked on the original Guitar Hero. [I'll blog at a later date about the influence GH has had on the music tastes of the younger generation!]
There are plenty of wiki articles which will give you a rundown of the chronology of his prolific guitar career since 1988 if you're interested. Those who know me, know when I find a topic intriguing, I will become obsessed about learning everything I can about it. So, after listening to a few tracks, I dove headfirst into the first stages of my obsession and read. And then read and read and read........all the while listening to his music and looking at his artwork. [Oh, did I forget to mention that?] I feel certain everyone who listens to his music will find something they love.....something which will speak to them. For me, it's his sense of family. From his parents taking him to drop off his first demo when he was a teenager, to the impromptu backyard DVD which was a recording of him playing a concert for his siblings, to the beautifully written melodies on Colma, a CD recorded while his mother was battling cancer.
Instead of putting my favorites, I'm going to point you in the direction my sage friend, Shawn (revealer of Buckethead) pointed me.
Enjoy! And, if you like what you hear, dive in and enjoy all his work! Spread the work to your friends.........there's something for everyone!
All in the Waiting (from Electric Tears)
All in The Waiting - Buckethead
Soothsayer - Buckethead
Watching the Boats with my Dad
And.....his tribute to Michael Jackson: The Homing Beacon
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I've really been on a mashup kick lately. I've been surfing from site to site and occasionally posting links to mp3 files on facebook when I ran across a mashup I liked. So, in an effort to spare my facebook friends a million mashups in their newsfeed, I've decided to post the links here and then just post the link for my blog on facebook. See the logic? One million links in the facebook newsfeed have just been condensed to one!
I'd really like to save my favorite mashup until the end of the blog, but I want EVERYONE to hear this one, so I'm going to put it first. This master mashup is by Mad Mix Mustang.
I've Got More Than a Feeling -
Boston-More Than a Feeling vs. The Black Eyed Peas- I've Got a Feeling.
The rest of the mashups aren't in any particular order. Some of them I like because of the simple genius behind combining 2 songs so seamlessly, some are here because the mashup contains an artist I normally wouldn't listen to but the mashup makes me like the song and some are here just because they make me smile. Enjoy the music mashups!
SpacemanOnFire (mashup by Lasso the Moon)
Kings of Leon- Sex on Fire
The Killers- Spaceman
with snippets of T-Rex- Bang-a-Gong
4 Minutes to Mix the World (mashup by Chris Fletcher)
Fletcher uses 50 different songs in this mashup! See how many you can hear. You can find a complete list of tracks used on his website
Brooklyn Rocks (mashup by Lobsterdust)
Beastie Boys-No Sleep Till Brooklyn
Joan Jett- I Love Rock and Roll
Dance Dreams (mashup by Divide and Kreate)
Lady GaGa- Just Dance
Eurythmics- Sweet Dreams
Pink Wedding (mashup by Go Home Productions)
Pink- Let's Get this Party Started
Billy Idol- White Wedding
If I Were a Free Fallin' Boy ( mashup by DJ Earworm)
Tom Petty- Free Fallin
Beyonce- If I Were a Boy
Don't Stop Believin' In Planet Rock (mashup by A + D)
Journey- Don't Stop Believin'
Afrika Bambaataa- Planet Rock
Reckoner Lockdown (mashup by DJ Earworm)
Kanye West- Love Lockdown
Enter You (mashup by Wax Audio)
Metallica- Enter the Sandman
Bryan Adams- Run to You
Touch My Girlfriend (mashup by Titus Jones)
Mariah Carey- Touch My Body
Avril Lavigne- Girlfriend
And......I leave you with mashup by DJ Earworm. Annie Lennox asked him to make a killer mashup of songs from her solo career. Not only did he make a stellar mashup, but he also spliced together snippets of all the videos to make a mashup video as well.
Monday, October 19, 2009
I've been addicted to books and reading for as long as I can remember. It started at a very young age.......
Having been born third of four children probably helped form my addiction because by the time I arrived, my parents had already amassed a fairly good portion of what would become a sizable collection of children's books. [Please don't think I'm blaming my addiction on my parents, although they fully enabled and encouraged all of us to read quietly as often as we wanted.]
By the time I started first grade, I was well on my way to becoming a bibliophile but something happened which would impact my life so profoundly and cement my future as an addict.
I learned to read.
I remember the exact day, too. Seems simple enough, doesn't it? But for me, that day changed my whole life in an instant and the memory of it is still so vivid in my mind. I was so excited the day reading actually "clicked" for me. I don't know.....maybe my excitement stemmed from the fact of being the baby girl with 2 older sisters who could already read and my competitive, Virgo nature just wanted to catch up with them. Nevertheless, the day I learned to read (seriously, that very day), I marched straight to the library after school and announced to Mrs. Neighbors, the librarian,
"I can read! I need a library card!"
Looking back, I'm sure it thrilled Mrs. Neighbors' book-loving, librarian heart to see a 6 year old so excited about books and reading, but I was oblivious to any of that because I was soaring above the clouds, heady with my own sense of triumph!
Mrs. Neighbors lovingly typed up a library card for me. It read,
First Grade, Mrs. Jordan
After the card was prepared, she helped me select my first book for check out. When the transaction was complete, I headed for home with "A Fine Meal". I remember taking the book out of my bag and rushing to show my mother. When I close my eyes, I can see it as if it were yesterday. She and I, sitting on the edge of her bed, my feet dangling and the book perched on our laps; the front cover on her leg, the back cover on mine. I pointed to the words as I read them aloud. At then end of each 3 or 4 word sentence I would pause, look up at my mother and exclaim my astonishment, "See mom, the letters make WORDS" I said, as if I were revealing the secrets of the universe to her.....or at least a great truth she had yet to discover.
Few things in my life have been so earth-shakingly profound as that day of discovery. To realize the alphabet I'd been reciting since kindergarten held such wonder and power within it! It's no wonder I was almost instantly addicted.
Throughout my childhood, my parents eagerly fed my addiction. Summers were spent with weekly trips to the library where I would participate in the summer reading program. It was as good as candy to me! [To this day, I love the crunchy sound of the cello-wrapped books as you open them and the smell of the pages, too!] In addition to my weekly trips to the library, my father would purchase a youth summer book club subscription for me. Once a month I would receive a cardboard box, addressed to me which contained 2-3 hardcover books. I'd also get a canvas bag with each summer's subscription.........it was absolute heaven for me! I'm sure my father would have enrolled my sisters had they shared even the slightest bit of my enthusiasm for books and reading, but he knew I would share my books (but only after I'd read them).
By the time I was in junior high, I owned so many books my shelves had reached critical mass. In an effort to feed my need for books but not collapse my shelves, I discovered a second-hand book shop where I could bring in books I'd already read to trade for others I hadn't yet read! I'm sure it seems as if checking out books from the library would be a sensible option, but to any true bibliophile, owning the book is part of the addiction.
In 2000, I started a 7 year stint as Community Relations Manager for Barnes & Noble. One of the perks of the job were ARCs (advanced reading copies) and review copies of books. Just imagine putting a chocoholic to work at Hershey's and then telling them they get free samples of all the chocolate! Needless to say, during my employment at B&N my library more than quadrupled in size. I moved to a 3 bedroom home just so I could have a room to turn into a library!
I decided to confess my book addiction to you all because this Friday is the Norman Friends of the Library sale. It's not as big at the Oklahoma City Library Book sale, but what they lack in size, they make up for in quality! Every year I find at least one treasure and several things on my list of books I've been wanting to read.
I will come home Friday night with the spoils of a book lover's victory, spread the books beside me on the bed and examine them all, carefully deciding which book will gain the honor of being the "first read". I will read until I fall asleep with the book in my hand, waking up the next morning with a glorious book hang-over!
My name is Heather and I'm a book-a-holic.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Here's the scoop. Within 4 months, all 4 of these men have either gotten engaged or married to women with whom they constantly fight and complain about their psycho ways. The first one to marry, stayed in that marriage only 2 months before realizing he had made a huge error and decided to cut his losses and leave. The second to tie the knot revealed this week he'll be doing the same.............sheesh! What compels men to marry these psycho-bitches?!? The third has just recently married, so I'll give it a generous 9 months before it implodes.
And, the 4th......well, he isn't married yet. I'm holding out hope for him. In fact, I'm thinking of staging an intervention. I mean, honestly, I just don't understand why this happens!
I have all sorts of theories about why this happens, but I don't want to throw them out for public consumption, yet. I just needed to vent and get it off my chest...........and lest you think I'm placing the blame on the men, go up to the search field at the top and type in "psycho girl theory" to read my rant about the behavior of some women.
Here's one thing that's certain: If I have to act crazy and throw fits to keep a man, COUNT ME OUT! There have been plenty of times I could have cut some other girl's game by starting drama, but I'm far too practical and SANE to do anything like that.
This madness has to STOP!
Friday, October 2, 2009
Someday I'll write about what I call the "Pendulum Effect" which always happens when one decides to make changes in one's life. I've written a lot about my non-traditional views on relationships and about how I was making some changes in that area and I've also written about my concerns that my non-traditional views are so ingrained in my being I wouldn't be able to make the changes. I have spent the last year, and more specifically, the last 6 months on a totally different path and I've learned a lot about what I want and what I know to be true and certain.
I'd rather be wanted than needed.
I'd rather be loved than tolerated.
I'd rather know the painful truth than to be placated.
I'd rather walk away from someone I like than to be in something one-sided.
Maybe my virgo ways make me too analytical, but if I've learned anything it's that I have to be true to myself. I learned many, many years ago that I can't live my life to make someone else happy. Life is all about the choices we make and I'm choosing to follow my heart, regardless of how unconventional that path may be.
As I've said before, the Starlight Manifesto covers it all:
It is what it is;
We are what we are;
I can only by myself
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Every year there are a few songs that make multiple appearances. We make our picks before the contest starts and to the winner goes the spoils of victory: a year of bragging rights for picking the correct song.
Usually it's a new song that has been a big hit, but sometimes we're thrown a curve ball and an old song comes out of left field and takes the prize. Last year we were ALL blindsided by a song that's at least ten years old. We've been keeping track this year and it's a tight race. Instead of telling you which songs are in the lead this year, I'll just list some of the annual "favorites".
Before He Cheats
I Am Changing
Like We Never Loved At All
My Heart Will Go On
On My Own
Lady Marmalade (the atrocious Moulin Rouge version)
I'm keeping busy tabulating the scores as they roll in so I haven't been able to edit and post the videos which are calling my name, but I will try to get some of them up before the finals. Please keep checking in if I'm posting videos from someone you're supporting.
It has been a great week so far and I'm hoping my next post will be full of some amazing news about the production crew that's here from Harpo Studios! [yes......you read that correctly!]
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I have such great memories from my first year at Nationals. Being able to come out with my best friend, Jessica for her last eligible year of competition. It was a strange year, to say the least, but she and I had a great time living it up and having some great girl-friend time (which is hard to come by when your bestie has 2 kids).
Because I'm at the information table for more than half of the week's competition, I'm able to see and talk to almost all the contestants. It's virtually impossible not to form bonds of friendship with many of them. One of the things I find so gratifying about the competition is seeing the bonds of friendship between the contestants.
Plastered all over the casino and the elevators are these posters:
[I'll add the photo later....I had some technical issues]
The "Three Amigos" are contestants from Oklahoma, Wisconsin and New York who met 3 years ago when comepeting against one another. The bonds of music and a respect for one another's talent created a lasting bond of friendship. These men talk and scheme all year for the week they will all be together to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting casino guests and fellow contestants. :)
As staff, we have no influence on the judging but we do our best to remain neutral, but it's just not possible for us to look forward to and count the days until we see our friends, Gregg and Michelle. They have travelled to Oklahoma more than once to visit all of us and sing some karaoke. They are just some of the nicest people one could ever meet and we all consider ourselves lucky to call them friends.
In addition to the old friends, there are always "new" friends- those who are first or second time competitors. It's just so nice to be among people who share a love for music and a dream to perform which creates these bonds! It's AMAZING!
So, please enjoy a few videos from some friendly performances.
The Three Amigos:
[video to come.....more technical issues]
Raydog, one of my annual faves:
Jimmy, a new friend (he made Top 5 last year):
Gregg and Michelle:
[video to come......not recorded yet :)]
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
When I was preparing to leave last year, I was happy with my job and had just started talking to this really great guy. The job and the guy are no longer, but I'm not unhappy about any of it, although I find I'm growing a bit nostalgic over the boy since so much was happening with him this time last year. I'm anxious to go and replace last years memories with new ones.........and I'm hopeful the last little bit of ache I feel when I think of him will subside.
I'm also looking forward to hearing lots of great singers (I'll try to blog and post some videos throughout the week if I have the time), seeing old friends and meeting new ones! Overall, Talent Quest has been the most rewarding volunteer gig I've ever had!
If you're interested in learning more about Talent Quest, click HERE
I'll be posting more next week as the contest gets into full swing.....it's gonna be a blast!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Given my current lack of cash flow I wasn't sure I would actually go ahead with the traditional "schedule of events" but it seems to have become a tradition. I normally send out my invitations a couple of weeks in advance and really didn't think anyone would notice I hadn't sent anything out.
I was wrong.
Over the past few days I have received so many e-mails and messages from friends asking about the schedule of events for the weekend. What started as a joke 9 years ago in an attempt to deal with so many different friend's schedules has become something I really look forward to every year.
There's nothing better than good times with great friends, no matter what the reason for coming together. I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful friends to whom I can turn to in times of stress or on whom I can depend. I feel every one's birthday is a special event.....it's the celebration of the reason you're on the planet and I feel it's meant to be shared, no matter what the circumstance in life.
So.......thank you my friends! You make me so happy to be ALIVE! Come celebrate with me if you can!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Because my 20 year high school reunion is coming up, there has been a veritable flood of people my age joining the facebook ranks and I've enjoyed getting back in touch with old friends and forging new found friendships with acquaintances.
But, facebook can be a double-edged sword. Social networking and the internet in general has really diminished the distance and boundaries of generations past and I find many of the reasons I love facebook are also the reasons I hate facebook.
I LOVE the convenience of being able to keep up with many people from a central location.
I HATE the narrowness of my internet use since I can keep up with so many people from a central location.
I LOVE that I can control who sees what I post to my profile.
I HATE that I can't control what people see of my posts to friend's profiles
I LOVE to discover friends from another friend's list.
I HATE that others can discover friend's from my friend list.
I LOVE when the facebook IM function works and I can contact people instantly.
I HATE when the facebook IM function doesn't work.
You can see where I'm going with this and I could go on and on........I really do LOVE how accessible people are, but tonight, there's something I HATE more than ANYthing facebook has given me. More than once, in the past 2 weeks, facebook has been the vehicle which has dropped drama right on my virtual doorstep......and if you know me, you know I have absolutely NO tolerance for drama. Seriously........I'm almost 40 years old and I think it's asinine to have one of my relatives call me because they have been contacted by a girl telling them they think I might like their man.
What??? Are we in the 3rd grade? Chances are, if I accepted someone as a friend on facebook, it's safe to assume I like said person. But......if my "man" were on facebook, and I thought someone was putting the moves on him, I would talk to HIM about that......not the other girl's relative. But....again, I'm almost 40, have no use for drama and believe direct communication is the best approach when in a relationship (whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship).....unlike the drama llama who is trying to disturb my groove when I just want a peaceful existence.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
But that's not a bad thing.
But I don't want to write about that, really. I want to focus on the opportunities ahead of me! I've been blogging for 3 years now, and in that time, there are some common themes that pop up fairly regularly. One of them is my eternal optimism. I don't know if I was born with it, or if it was something my parents instilled in me, or both. But whatever the reason, I'm so grateful it comes easy for me......especially in times such as this.
So, now that I'm loosed from the bonds of a job I hated, I am faced with endless possibilities. I've had a yen lately to sell almost everything I own and travel......what's to keep me from doing that now? I'm not quite sure I'm ready to do that yet, but it would be much easier to do now than it would have a month or even a year ago!
I've said it many times before and I'll probably say it many times in the years to come: It doesn't matter how bad life gets......because even on my worst day, I'm so glad to be alive. NO ONE is guaranteed a tomorrow so I want to live everyday in the moment. And, hopefully, when I come to end of my journey, I'll have no regrets about how I lived my life.
I've known many pessimists in my life and it always makes me want to try and reason with them......don't they understand? By constantly complaining about circumstances, they're wasting the time they have to go out and change those things.....time for living life to the fullest!
So, I look forward to the future! No day but today!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Music has always been a huge part of my life. I've written before about how there's music tied to every major event in my life, but my relationship with music goes so much deeper. When I was little, my mother often told me the story of the first time she held me after I was born. She would say, "You love music because the first time I held you, I sang to you right away." My first outside contact with my mother was hearing her sing, not speak to me. Who knows? Maybe she's right about that first encounter shaping my love for music......that coupled with the fact that the entire time I was in her belly I was probably listening to her sing to my sister, Melissa, who was only one at the time.
Music permeates my childhood. Many evenings the entire family would gather around the turntable which was built into a cabinet with the TV (do you remember those?) and we would listen to entire albums.....one after another.
My sisters and I would have singing competitions in the bedroom (with ourselves as the judges, so I'm sure you can imagine how that would go) which started when I was in kindergarten. I can still remember us taking turns, signing the same song and then trying to decide who had "won". Even times when I wasn't dubbed the winner I would think to myself, "That's okay.....I know I was the best"!
For birthdays and Christmas, music was a common gift. I've posted this picture before, but notice how I'm not much bigger than the album I'm proudly displaying!
Even our television viewing had a slant towards music.......I don't think I ever missed an episode of the Donny & Marie Show, Sonny & Cher, Tony Orlando.......and, on the weekends at my grandparents, Hee-Haw and Lawrence Welk. All of this worked to give me a broad appreciation of music.
But, my favorite childhood memory of music is everyone singing together when a song we loved would play. Most often, this would happen in the car..........I can close my eyes and imagine it now. Warm, summer day, windows down, wind blowing all around us and there it is......that song, the one we love.....and we're singing! Absolutely one of my favorite things.....still to this day!
And THAT'S where the music takes me!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The poem I'm posting is actually one I wrote when I was about 15........and then I changed the final lines when I was in college. I can't remember writing it about anyone in particular, but I must have..........I guess it just proves that time heals all wounds. Regardless, this little, silly, school girl poem just won't stay out of my head, so I'm trying to blog it out!
I thought that we were finished,
We said that we were through.
I tucked your memory away
and tried to start anew.
I went along my merry way
without another thought
but suddenly, your name comes up
and my heartbeat seems to stop.
Why-- (if I am over you
and all my wounds have healed)
why am I feeling lonely here?
What has my heart concealed?
So, I searched my heart completely,
down to the deepest part-
to find I'd only forgotten you
'til the bottom of my heart.
Friday, August 14, 2009
-crisp, clear fall mornings
-a cool room and a comfy bed piled high with blankets and pillows
-the sweet taste I get in my mouth when I tear open a packet of the "pink stuff"
-a chilled shot of SoCo with NO LIME
-late night IM conversations
-a whole weekend with no set plans
-going to the OKC Friends of the Library sale every February with Jess and Mandy
-waking up the morning after the library sale with a book hangover
-going to dinner with my fellow foodies
-the Double Crunchy
-my badass dog, Reggie
-hearing my nieces and nephews say "I love you"
-being an auntie
-Guitar Hero and Rock Band tournaments with my nieces and nephews
-Alas, Babylon by Pat Frank
-a fun night of karaoke fun with great friends
-learning about people
-clever facebook status updates
-Sara Sara Cupcakes
-rockstars (of the lead singer variety)
-that first sip of coffee in the morning
-conies from Coney I-Lander
-the sound of the ocean
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Frustrated because I have the need to write and yet, up to now, have been unable to put any of my thoughts into words.
Frustrated because I want things to move at MY pace instead of relying on my tried and true philosphy of "it is what it is".
Frustrated because I've heard some disturbing things a "friend" has said and I'm unable to say anything becuase this person is connected to almost all my other friends......and even in my frustration, I don't want to do or say anything mean-spirited.
Frustrated because I'm so busy at this time of the year.......and all I really want to do is pack up and run away from it all.
Frustrated because I allow my moods to be dictated by someone else and how much they communicate with me.
Frustrated because my wants and needs aren't aligning at the moment.
Frustrated because men who are toxic have become boomerangs and keep popping up in my life to spread a bit of misery and then disappear again.
Frustrated because I hate to sound like a complainer, but it's MY BLOG....I write it for me, so here I am in all my frustrated, complaining glory.
The impatience comes from wanting the frustration to be gone yesterday.....and then being frustrated when it remains. It's really a vicious cycle, but I'm sure it will be better tomorrow.
I feel better having said all that.
Monday, July 27, 2009
if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments."
From The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Do you like yourself? Are you able to be alone and still be happy?
I've been thinking a lot lately about this particular topic and have discussed it with several of my friends. In fact, it's something I've felt a deep connection with for many years. I firmly believe one can't expect to find happiness in someone else. I think liking oneself is a necessity and far too many people I know have never even stopped to consider "do I like myself?".
I know I've learned more about myself and my personal relationships in the times I'm alone- still and surrounded by silence. Maybe it's because I'm an analytical virgo, but I cannot imagine not having the quiet moments to look at and understand what's going on with my life. I don't have all the answers and I can't control what happens, but I know I'm far more likely to come to a better conclusion in the quiet, alone times than I am if I'm constantly on the go.
I don't mean to always sound like the eternal optimist, but a tiger can't change it's stripes and I'm so very happy these days.
So.....do you like yourself? Are you able to be alone and still be happy?
If you want to read The Invitation in it's entirety, go here.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I've expressed my views on soul mates to many over the years, but haven't actually ever tried to put it into words. So much of what I believe and feel is instinctual....seemingly wrapped up in my genetic make-up it's hard to convey to others. But I will try....Oh, I will try!
First of all it's important to note I don't think there is just one soul mate for each person, but rather several. But, I also believe there is one, true and perfect match for everyone. [I'm sure this comes as a surprise to some given my propensity to be a loner.] Believe me....I know this seems like a contradiction, but bear with me.....I'll try to clear it all up for you!
I'm sure everyone has had the experience of meeting someone and instantly feeling a connection. Love for the same authors, music, cars, vacation spot, sports team......all manner of things bring people together. Those people can be, and probably are, your soul mates. They may be in your life for a short time or might end up being a life-long friend, but the common bonds of those connections make the span of time irrelevant.
I also believe a soul mate can also be a relative. Think about it......do you "gel" better with your mother? Are you closer to one sibling than all the others? What about that cousin who's like a brother or sister? Probably a soul mate. The dictionary defines a soul mate as a person with whom one has a strong affinity. I think, over the years, the term has been distorted into being synonymous with one, true love.......but that's untrue and an unfortunate misinterpretation of the word.
So, you're still not buying it? Well, close your eyes and imagine a perfectly still pool of water. Above that pool, the hand of fate and destiny holds a pebble. At just the precise moment (because you all know I believe nothing happens by accident), the pebble is dropped. The result? A perfect illustration of the different types of soul mates.
At the point of impact is yourself and your one true and perfect match. No, really..... just think about the pebble and the divot it creates on impact.......can't get much closer than that without being one, can you?
As the ripples progress outward, they symbolize the other levels of soul mates......the closer the ring is to the point of impact, the greater the bond with the soul mate. As you get farther from the center, the less the bond is. But, just because the outer circles have a weaker bond, they are still unequivocally connected to the initial pebble's impact.
So, there is my soul mate theory. Do you agree? Disagree? Do you have a theory of your own? I'd like to know!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Today, I'm blogging about my friend, Amy. I met her through a previous job and am continually grateful for the kind of friend she has turned out to be.
Here are some fun and interesting facts about me and Amy:
- Dave Chappelle brought us together
- We are in a band called "Break Dancing Whammies" (never mind we've never had even ONE band practice.....one day we'll get it off the ground!)
- We both understand how extremely funny and witty we are (never mind the fact most of the universe doesn't recognize it)
- We'd date ourselves if we could.....we're just that AWESOME ;)
- We workout most evenings together at the Y (solidarity, Sister!)
- We're a lot a like
- We're a lot different
- We share a fascination about serial killers
- We share a fascination of man's infatuation with the "psycho-girl"
- Spending time together is almost like being alone
Over a year and a half, lots of things can happen. With Amy, though, it's not the major life events which stick out as the stuff which has strengthened our friendship. No, the glue to our friendship is the everyday things which most would think mundane, I'm sure......(I refer you back to the list above.....we understand how funny/witty we are).
Amy is the friend who understands how GENIUS it is to make a catapult out of a fork and business card just so we can launch food at a glass office wall.
Amy is the friend who can remember obscure lines from movies but can't remember a conversation from 2 hours earlier. Amy is the friend who will dance on her desk at work after everyone has left because I think it would make a good pic (oh, and she agrees with that as well).
Amy is the friend who understands and shares my love for mind numbingly funny YouTube videos like NigaHiga, Retarted Policeman and countless others we love (Leeeeeeeeeerooooooooooy Jeeeeeeeeeeenkiiiiiiins!).
Amy is the friend who understands my neurotic fear of the unknown and constantly plays Devil's Advocate to my crazy, virgo ways. Amy is the friend who quotes lines from Pulp Fiction and The Princess Bride in righteous opposition to a dive bombing bird who is only trying to protect his home. Amy is the friend who went with me to my first and only "Prom".
And.......Amy is the friend who would move with me if my life ever took me away from OKC and who would beg me to move with HER if her life took her away from here, as well. [And.....I'd go to great lengths and distances to visit her if we ever found ourselves living in different places.....and I just assume everyone who knows her should feel that way was well....'cause she's just that AWESOME!]
Amy and I talk a lot......sometimes about very weighty world matters.....other times it's just about all those stories of cats nursing pandas or dogs nursing tigers, but whatever the subject matter, this one thing I know: I am so lucky to have become such good friends with her.
Thanks Aim-Dawg, you're the best!
ps.....Tommy says to tell you, "hi"! ;)
Monday, June 22, 2009
It doesn't matter how old I get, I absolutely love the feeling I get when I first start to like someone and they show an interest as well.
Why so secretive? Because who knows if it'll pan out or turn into anything substantial....I'm just drafting off the excitement for the moment.
And goodness knows I need something good like this after the experience of the last 8 years.
And.....I promise to let you all in on more details if anything more develops!
[Imagine me singing, "I've Got a Crush on You"]
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
After reading your e-mail this afternoon entitled, "Hey", I thought of a few things I wanted to clarify but decided they were best discussed out in the "open" given your propensity to misinterpret what I'm saying.....even when I go out of my way to articulately and succinctly explain what I need you to know.
I would have said some of this in my e-mail response to your finite epistle, but then my readers wouldn't have the joy of seeing what a self described "dick" you are. [for the record, I sincerely doubt you'll wander over here to read this anyway......but it will be cathartic for me, to get these things off my chest]
Firstly, from the beginning, you and I were flirtatious, to say the least. In fact, I'd go so far as to say flirting was the basis of the beginning of our friendship (please bear in mind a friendship is one of the many types of relationships, so don't flip out if, further in this letter, I refer to our association as a relationship). Before embarking on this fantastic voyage you and I have shared, I paused (as any self respecting, cautious, virgo would do) and made it a point to gain some assurance from you about my concerns the steps we were about to take could have a major impact on our fledgling friendship. Let me remind you with some dialog from our HUGE IM archive: [AND....although I'm pretty vexed at the moment, I'll continue to protect your identity, even though you don't deserve that kindness after the mistreatment you've given me over the past month]
Monday, Sept 15, 2008
stargurrl13 (3:28:52 PM): okay.....before I send this.....
b***********(3:28:59 PM): yes...
stargurrl13 (3:29:41 PM): .....I need to know things won't get "weird"....I like our rapport and don't want that to change AT ALL
stargurrl13 (3:29:45 PM): dig?
b*********** (3:29:56 PM): i dig
b*********** (3:30:06 PM): we just two wild and crazy kids...having fun
Seriously......I know it was 9 months ago, but was I unclear about my hesitation to take it to the next level??? And, if you didn't understand, you should have asked me to explain it more PLAINLY.
Secondly, I'm sorry about the extreme guilt you feel over cheating on your girlfriend, but you are an adult and you weren't forced to make those choices. More from the IM archive!
Monday, Sept 22nd, 2008:
b*********** (3:48:51 PM): i dont want to mess up our friendship/**** relationship etc!
b*********** (3:48:55 PM): you understand i am sure
b*********** (3:49:12 PM): i hope it wouldnt, but scary to take the chance...you know
stargurrl13 (3:49:35 PM): I do understand.....doesn't make it any easier for me
stargurrl13 (3:49:49 PM): ...I get kind of pouty.
stargurrl13 (3:49:56 PM): ...but I'll live
b*********** (3:50:02 PM): don't get pouty on me!
b*********** (3:50:19 PM): i would do it in a second if i didnt have a ding dong live in girlfriend....
b*********** (3:50:33 PM): i just really have to wrestle it
b*********** (3:50:51 PM): i would love to...i think about it a lot...prolly too much...you know
stargurrl13 (3:51:26 PM): it's definitely something that should be considered...there's more of a risk for you, for sure and I can totally appreciate that.
stargurrl13 (3:51:50 PM): ...I just don't want you to think I'm pressuring you in any way
b*********** (3:52:21 PM): you're not. i love it. i'm having so much fun and it really makes me smile and happy and i look forward to coming to **** and such
stargurrl13 (3:52:31 PM): same here
b*********** (3:52:42 PM): i obviously have no intention of hurting you, or c-snatch* for that matter...so that is where the brakes come in *[name changed to further protect Sugar D]
b*********** (3:53:05 PM): if we did it, then things got awkward it would just suck!!!!!
stargurrl13 (3:53:29 PM): that would suck.....
stargurrl13 (3:54:01 PM): however, I just don't see that happening....hard to explain...has to do with gut instinct....
stargurrl13 (3:54:27 PM): but things are cool the way they are, too
stargurrl13 (3:54:31 PM): very fun
b*********** (3:54:51 PM): we're gonna have to jump off that bridge when we come to it...
b*********** (3:55:09 PM): cuz i looking forward to the day we get to act all this out....
stargurrl13 (3:55:18 PM): me too!
Please notice how I expressed concern you would think I was pressuring you......and how I assured you things were cool they way they were. I won't publish the millions of times I would tell you, "I'm following your lead....as always, I take my cues from you." So.....you screwed around on your girlfriend and enjoyed it....and now you feel guilty. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't see how it is my responsibility to keep you from feeling that guilt. This was well discussed territory between us LONG before we put any action to our "association".
Thirdly, (and related to my incredulity over your inference I'm responsible for your guilt), time and again, starting with the word document I sent you which outlined the seven points written to set you at ease about the changing nature of our "association", I have assured you my intentions were NOT to break you and c-snatch up.......in fact, I went out of my way to help keep our secrets. I mean, really, what other girl have you been with who secured a pre-determined escape route from your home in the event c-snatch should come home earlier than expected? I'm guessing NONE! [Let me take this opportunity to point out just how very lucky you are to have been "associated" with one as reasonable and non-psycho as me. You do realize, if I were so inclined, a trip to your home and a short visit with c-snatch would ensure the demise of that relationship. Again......that's not my style and something I would never do. I know you understand this.......but I did want to point it out since this open letter might appear a bit harsh to some]
Lest you think I only have bad feelings towards you at the moment, let me say, I will forever be grateful for the extreme kindness and tenderness you showed me during my weeks of unemployment. I do not say this lightly or as an exaggeration but, your constant attention and care during that time saved my life. And for that reason, I truly mourn the fact that you are unable to maintain your end of the bargain and remain close friends.
I think the insult to the injury was the fact you actually believe your email hurt my feelings and you think I can't imagine my life without you in it. Your email only served to raise my ire enough to publicly (while still protecting your identity) call you out about your dick-ishness. I don't know if you'll ever realize, Sugar Dick, the unjust way you've treated me, but that's truly not my concern. I kept every part of every promise I made to you and I will not apologize or feel guilty about it. My advice to you about your guilt.......Let it go!
Constant as the Northern Star,
ps.......thanks for the pics!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I'm better, I'm back! [for those who love the movie "Burn After Reading"]
The nice, sunny weather has had a lovely impact on my mood and spending time playing with my badass dog, Reggie Rawkstar always makes me smile. I've reconnected with some long-lost childhood friends and have had several opportunities to to travel the 2 hours to visit and spend time with my huge and lovable family.
I won't bore you with details of Pepe and Sugar D and all the happenings surrounding the unique aspect they lend to my daily existence......but suffice it to say, they're both still around, in the their ever-changing capacities. Men! I don't understand them anymore today than I did when I was 14, but they're oh so cute, so I've learned Resistance is futile.....and trying to understand the differences can drive a girl to drink!
Oh how I've missed blogging, but I'm much better for the time away. Hopefully some good writing will follow!
Peace to you all!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
(untitled- by Heather Cook circa. 1991)
Listening, ever listening, to the sound
of the wind blow. Wishing,
Only wishing, there was some way
I could show Tempting
Very tempting thoughts I have
in my mind
Everytime I see you, my heart feels
Caring looks which are meant for
someone else but me
Honest eyes look at me and
yet they do not see
Isolated circumstances which make up
who I am
Longing for the moment I'll share
all I can.
Dying from the pain
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I stand next to my opponent
Hands hovering over buzzers
-heart beating wildly in my chest-
Waiting to hear the words from your mouth
My eyes are focused on your bottom lip
-afraid I might miss something important-
My preparation for this moment is complete
My whole life a training session, leading me to this…..
I’ve passed every test imaginable
I’m eligible for the grand prize
It’s mine for the taking
All I have to do is
Beat the Clock
Buzz in first and hope for
The anticipation takes the air from my chest
Your mouth starts to move…..
All I can hear is “thump-thump, thump-thump”
And I am blissfully oblivious
As she beats me to the punch
But….I have a lifetime supply of rice-a-roni
[and you are the Biggest Loser]
Monday, April 6, 2009
You wouldn't believe how much I've missed blogging and it's hard for me to believe I haven't posted anything in over a month! But....all that is changing tonight, although this will be a short post and mostly written by others. It counts if I'm the one who compiles the collected writings, doesn't it?
Since April is National Poetry Month, I'm going to post a few poems which have had a huge impact on me and have helped shape the way I look at and relate to the world in which I exist. Scary thought, I know, but "it is what it is" (See....the Starlight Maniesto applies to everything!)
Advice to a Girl by Sara Teasdale
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed;
Lay that on your heart,
My young angry dear;
This truth, this hard and precious stone,
Lay it on your hot cheek,
Let it hide your tear.
Hold it like a crystal
when you are alone
and gaze in the depths of the icy stone.
Long, look long, and you will be blessed:
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed.
Jenny Kiss'd Me- by Leigh Hunt
Jenny kiss'd me when we met
Jumping from the chair she sat in.
Time, you thief, who love to get
sweets into your list, put that in!
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
say that health and wealth have miss'd me
Say I'm growing old, but add,
Jenny kiss'd me.
Hesitate to Call by Louise Gluck
Lived to see you throwing
Me aside. That fought
Liked netted fish inside me. Saw you throbbing
In my syrups. Saw you sleep. And lived to see
That all that flushed down
The refuse. Done?
It lives in me.
You live in me. Malignant.
Love, you ever want me, don't.
Song of Democracy- Walt Whitman (actually, the title is Book XXXI, Part 4 from Leaves of Grass but it is widely known as the Song of Democracy)
Sail, sail thy best, ship of Democracy,
Of value is thy freight, 'tis not the Present only,
The Past is also stored in thee,
Thou holdest not the venture of thyself alone, not of the Western
Earth's resume entire floats on thy keel O ship, is steadied by thy spars,
With thee Time voyages in trust, the antecedent nations sink or
swim with thee,
With all their ancient struggles, martyrs, heroes, epics, wars, thou
bear'st the other continents,
Theirs, theirs as much as thine, the destination-port triumphant;
Steer then with good strong hand and wary eye O helmsman, thou
carriest great companions,
Venerable priestly Asia sails this day with thee,
And royal feudal Europe sails with thee.
To My Dear and Loving Husband by Ann Bradstreet
If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee;
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me ye women if you can.
I prize thy love more than whole Mines of gold,
Or all the riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that Rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee, give recompence.
Thy love is such I can no way repay,
The heavens reward thee manifold I pray.
Then while we live, in love let's so persever,
That when we live no more, we may live ever.
I hope you all enjoy the poetry. Feel free to leave your favorite poem in the comments!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Patty Griffin is a MASTER with lyrics. She has written so many song which have been recorded by other artists, but what I love most is to hear her sing her own songs. I have never heard a Patty Song I didn't like and I don't want to bog you down with tons of lyrics, so I'm picking 3 which speak to me on so many levels......and it always makes my world peaceful and right when I listen to them......a great example of music calming the savage beast within! I hope you will take a moment to check out my 3 picks and then listen further to the lyrical lushness that is Patty Griffin!
"When It Don't Come Easy"
I can' imagine a better way to express love....."When you break down, I'll drive out and find you. If you forget my love, I'll try to remind you"
Lyrics | Patty Griffin lyrics - When It Don't Come Easy lyrics
Those of you who are from Oklahoma should recognize this song from the Integris commercial, but I loved it long before it was used there. Who hasn't felt like this at some point in their life? Although I feel happiness is a choice, everyone deals with sadness and I think this song expresses it perfectly.
Lyrics | Patty Griffin lyrics - Rain lyrics
I feel like she invaded my brain and wrote this song from what she found there.....to hear something that so closely mirrors specific circumstances in my life gives me chills. This song might be my all-time favorite Patty song. "Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, old friend, I can't make you stay. I can't spend another ten years wishing you would anyway"
Lyrics | Patty Griffin lyrics - Useless Desires lyrics
I've tried something new with the video/lyrics widgets and I'm not sure they'll show up like I expect, so bear with me if I have to edit the blog several times to get it right. Also.....check out the really cool site where I got the widgit codes http://www.lyricmode.com/
Saturday, February 21, 2009
My mother tells a story about when I was 4 years old. There was a gathering of adults from the church we attended and most of the couples had small children who were playing together while the adults sat and talked. As with most of these gatherings, I preferred to stay with the adults and follow the conversation (as best I could at such a young age). At this particular gathering, I decided to interject some of my own observations. The actual observations have been lost with time and memory loss, but they were amazingly accurate and it seemed to really freak out most of the other adults. At some point in the evening, one of the men came over and told my mother, "Keep an eye on that girl......she knows things and has a gift. She can read people better than most adults I know".
Thus went most of my childhood. I can "read" people and have always been able to do so. When I was young, I thought everyone could do it, but quickly learned that wasn't the case. I also learned to keep many observations to myself because of the "freak-out factor". Hearing a six, seven or eight year make accurate statements about a virtual stranger's character or motivations is disconcerting to most. I knew I was odd, but I didn't want to be looked at as a freak.
I want to be clear about my instincts.....I'm not saying I'm psychic. I can't see the future or predict what will happen, I can just tell a lot about a person and their personality and character within minutes of first meeting them. That's it. It's not a judgmental thing, it's just a thing. And I'm almost always correct.
Because of this ability, I can tell within minutes of meeting a guy whether or not I would be interested in going out with him. I know this seems judgemental, but it's not. I have very definite ideas about what I want in a man and I'm not willing to compromise those things. Very few men actually fit the bill, so when I do meet one who does, it's exciting. But, on the other side of the coin is when I meet a man who's interested in me, I already know within minutes if I want to go out with him......usually, I'm not interested and that makes it difficult sometimes. Believe me....it would be easier on me if I could agree to go out with one of them and see what time would tell, but I don't know if spending more time to get to know these men would change my mind any. But, I've never tested that theory. Mainly because there's usually something that keeps me from wanting to get to know him.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone else does this? I've grown so used to trusting my first impressions it's hard for me to imagine anyone would operate differently. I guess my one exception to my first impression is with friendship. But when it comes to attraction, I don't think I'll ever be willing to compromise.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
On the upside, my employers are generous enough to have me on an hourly rate so I get paid overtime for the extra hours I'm working and that makes it easier to take the dark circles under my eyes from the lack of sleep. AND, after tax season, they close the office for a week so we can all rest and recuperate from the craziness.
As far as my personal life goes, I've come to terms with some things about my personality as it relates to what I want from a relationship........and it's still the same......nothing traditional for me. It truly would make me miserable. The confusion I feel always comes from my trying to be more "traditional" and "socially correct"......have a relationships like 99% of my family and friends. It just isn't my thing, but at least I know, for my peace of mind, I'm taking stock and checking periodically to make sure I'm still on the right track for ME.
To those of you who lovingly question me about whether or not I'm making the best choices with my relationships, I thank you! I do understand where you're coming from and it makes me feel so loved that you care about my well-being. I know it's frustrating because what I want and need from my relationships is so different, believe me......it was frustrating for me to try and be in a traditional relationship. But....as the Starlight Manifesto goes: It is what it is!
Hopefully I'll be able to blog a bit more in the coming week.....I do have stuff I'd like to write. Finding the time to write them is the challenge.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I'll be the first to admit I'm fiercely independent and somewhat solitary BUT that only goes so far as an explanation. Maybe I'm being too generous with my assessment of my loner tendencies, but I don't feel it's so extreme to the point of my not being able to have a "normal" relationship. And yes.....I realize I'm notorious for attracting men who are unavailable because they have a girlfriend or even a fiancee, but I don't purposely seek out those who aren't available and I certainly don't have any special power that makes them attracted to me (not that I'm aware of anyway, but there's something about me they find appealing).
So I've been thinking a lot this past week about WHY I'm not the kind of girl it appears so many men want. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to figure it out but I have learned a lot about how my beliefs and desire for consistency affect my life.
I believe in predestination.......or destiny, fate.....whatever you want to call it. I feel a relationship (as with all things in life) will happen if it's meant to be. This is the sole reason I simply cannot be the Psycho Girl. If I have to resort to histrionics to "keep my man" it's just not right. If I have to manipulate a situation like that, I feel it's manufactured and unnatural. And, if I resort to those tactics once, in order to keep my man, will I have to do it every time? Isn't that type of behavior in direct contradiction with my beliefs and personal life philosophy?
But......at what point do I become the fatalist? Am I losing out because I fail to act at the crucial moment by declaring my feelings and making my wants known? There's a fine line and I struggle to find the balance and remain true to myself and what I believe. I can only be myself. I believe this with all my heart and soul and don't want to compromise.
This will likely be a struggle which will continue in my brain.....trying to reconcile both wants and needs with my personal beliefs.
But at the end of the day, regardless of my consistency, losing sucks..........and really hurts.