Between being born under the sign of Virgo and being born to a mother who was wise enough to teach me how to focus my neurotic, Virgo ways for the best, I've become a master at controlling my emotions and reactions.
I've never been one to "make a scene"...especially when it comes to men, and for years I've been trying to understand why so many men stay in relationships with women who are psychotic and jealous and constantly raise a ruckus over the littlest things.
I blame my inability to be the “psycho girl” on my Virgo sensibilities.
Let me site an example from junior high. Imagine with me, if you will.....it's Friday night and you're hanging out with all your friends at the football game. You're waiting for your steady guy and he's nowhere to be found. Later that evening, you see him sitting on the visitor's side with a girl who's a year older. After summoning some major courage, you walk past, making sure he sees you and then it happens.....he chases you down and tells you it's over.....he won't be calling anymore.
It just seems logical to me; if a guy tells you he's not going to call you anymore, there's no need to let him see you cry, even if you go home and weep into your pillow all night. It may hurt you to the very core, but does one really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? [Logically, no, but the heart is not an organ that deals in logic.] I can site example, after example of girls I know....women, even....who, when faced with a circumstance like this, will turn on the tears and throw a hissy fit. And guess what?!? I'd say about 69% of the time.......it works! She ends up with the guy.
Really?!? Where's my reward for taking the high-road all these years? I'll tell you where......he's out on a date with the girl who acts crazy, that's where.
I've seriously wondered about this for years and I had a really good theory going about why and how this tactic works. I had convinced myself this works because most guys don't want to deal with the drama so they do whatever they can to make it stop. In the case of my junior high example, he gets back together with the girl and the drama stops. BUT, what if there's something about the passionate display of emotion which speaks to a man's ego and he thinks to himself, "If she's willing to act like this because of me......WOW, she must really like me and would stick by me through anything!" [okay.......I know that's a long shot, but what if?!? ]
I'm the first to admit I'm unconventional when it comes to men but, I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure what direction my life is taking. The one thing I know is what I've had up to this point hasn't been enough to satisfy me. My level-headed, Virgo mind is telling me to keep an even keel and proceed like always, don't rock the boat, mind my p's and q's........but it just doesn't seem like the right course at this time. I mean, if I keep doing the same thing, I shouldn't expect different results, right?
To further compound this frustrating conundrum, is my belief that nothing happens by accident. If something is meant to be, it will happen.....regardless of how I react. So, I find myself in the odd position of wanting to speak up for what I want in the situation but not knowing how to balance it with what my head tells me is the logical path to take.
In an effort to try and sort all this out, I've been experimenting with “acting out” a bit when faced with the need to defend what I want in a situation instead of following my tried and true, never-let-em-see-you-sweat, cards to the vest approach. Don't get me wrong.....I'll still never be the psycho girl, but I won't hide the passion I feel in a situation. I'm still trying to find my balance, but the few times I've tried my new-found, passionate voice, the results have been exactly what I wanted.
It doesn't escape my notice how this new theory seriously changes parts of my life philosophy, but I don't want to behave and silence my heart any longer. Isn't something worth having worth fighting for?
So, I'm not going gently into that good night.....not without a little rage against the dying of the light!