tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29391501815318975202024-03-14T03:50:18.296-05:00Stelliformstargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.comBlogger162125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-44994280695234961722018-06-17T05:05:00.000-05:002018-06-17T07:36:17.565-05:00My Poppy: A Father's Day PostI've tried many times to write about my Poppy since he passed away but nothing ever seemed quite right about the posts. It was either too emotional, not the right time or simply too difficult to finish the post. This is my 3rd Father's Day without him and I'm feeling like all the stars are aligning and an actual post might happen this time. I guess if you're reading this, it did! :)<br />
<br />
I don't know if I could ever explain why I'm such a daddy's girl but I suspect I was from the very start because I can't remember a time when I wasn't. Even before my first memories of him, my Lovey Mom tells stories of him holding me as a toddler after he got home from work and she would admonish him not to give my fat, baby cheeks a whisker burn from kissing me and loving on me. Even after working a long shift he didn't mind giving me the attention my toddler self demanded. I know he was the first man I ever loved (and one of the only) and I know this was probably one of the reasons I announced at 4 years old that I was going to marry him. But, I don't want to get ahead of myself and the blog I want to write about him.<br />
<br />
My Poppy was a family man to his core and his entire life was spent taking care of us and showing us how much we were loved. A dear friend of mine astutely understood my close relationship with my Poppy and would often inquire about him. Once he asked, "What kind of a guy does your dad see you with?" I quickly said, "A democrat." Thinking I was joking around he said, "I'm serious!" to which I responded, "So am I!" I was only half joking but politics was just one of the many things my Poppy and I were in almost complete agreement about. For years my Poppy would call and remind me about elections and to make sure I remembered to vote. I will be thinking of him this coming Tuesday as I make my way to exercise my right to vote in my state's primary election.<br />
<br />
My Poppy couldn't stand to see any of us unhappy or hurt. Although he could gruffly bark orders and get our attention to get us back in line and behaving, he had NO stomach for discipline that would make us cry. That was left to my mother and when we were younger, our belief was that she was doing it to save us from his harsher punishment. As an adult, I smile to myself knowing the truth of his very tender heart.<br />
<br />
As an infant/toddler/child, I was severely pigeon-toed and after being accepted as a patient at the Shriner's Children's Hospital, he was the parent who would make the trips with me up to St Louis to see my doctor while my mother stayed home with my siblings. For the first 5 years after I started to walk, I wore hip-to-toe leg braces all day and slept in a night splint (that's a pair of shoes with toes pointed "out" affixed to a metal bar to hold them in place). My memories of the braces and splint are vague and few considering how long I wore them but I have wonderfully vivid and fond memories of all the time spent traveling with him to my appointments.<br />
<br />
When my sister and I were 5 and 6 years old, there was a big winter snow and we were so excited to build a snowman and we kept begging my Poppy to take us out to build one. In his wise and loving way, he knew after bundling us up and venturing out, we'd probably be cold and wet and ready to go back inside within 10 minutes so he drew open the curtains of the big, picture window in the living room and we sat in our warm pajamas with hot cocoa as we watched him build a snowman for us. He always had a way of anticipating the best way to care for us and I was never in doubt of his love.<br />
<br />
I learned to skate when I was 4 years old and throughout my childhood, we had private access to our neighborhood rink because my father made arrangements with the owners to clean the rink on Sunday nights. No other kid I knew had a weekly, private skate session through the years of their childhood. By the time I was in junior high, my Poppy and I would still have a weekly skate outing while he was president of American Airlines employee's activity association. It wasn't a private session, but skating was something he always arranged and encouraged throughout my entire youth. My current pair of skates are the pair he had custom made for me as a Christmas gift when I was in the 7th grade.<br />
<br />
Every summer of my elementary school years, my father
would sign me up for a summer reading club where I would get monthly
shipments of books in the mail. Although he wasn't an avid reader, he always wished that he had been a better student and he felt that reading was a major building block to becoming an excellent student and he always encouraged me in my education.<br />
<br />
He always knew the prefect gift to give and I think I inherited that ability from him.<br />
<br />
I learned to drive in an era before cell phones and he made sure I could change a tire by myself in less than 10 minutes and taught me to drive on snow and ice in a deserted parking lot the first big snow after learning to drive. He was always there to take care of me but also wanted to make sure I could take care of myself without having to depend on someone else when he wasn't around. I can remember his advice about luggage as I prepared for a summer trip. He said, "You can't always count on someone like me being there to carry your bag, so if you can't lift it by yourself, you've packed too much."Such valuable advice that I heed to this day.<br />
<br />
After my sister, Melissa, got married my mother told me that they were getting ready for bed after the long day of the ceremony and she heard my Poppy let out a big sigh as he was removing his shoes and socks. She turned to see him sitting on the end of their bed and she asked him what was wrong and he said, "I think if Heather ever gets married it might kill me." To this day I'm not sure if he meant the stress of another wedding or having to give away his baby girl. Turns out he needn't have worried. He never did have to give me away to anyone.<br />
<br />
My Poppy loved music and always wished he could sing. Well, he did sing but not like he wanted. I loved how he would sing to me when it was just he and I. He would just sing non-sensical things in a sing-song voice. I do it now when I am alone with my Noel. On my 30th birthday he called me and I answered the phone to him singing "Happy Birthday" to me. After he was finished he said, "I'm way too young to have a child who is 30!" Never mind that I was his THIRD child to turn 30!<br />
<br />
Oh, how I loved that man!<br />
<br />
It's things like these that prompted my astute friend to say to me one time, "You don't need anyone to take care of you, do you? Besides.....you have your dad."<br />
<br />
Oh, how I miss that man!<br />
<br />
My life is filled with a million ways he cared for us and loved us but these are some of the most precious that have been on my mind so much since he left us. I will never stop missing him but I'm so very grateful for all of the wonderful memories that I have to sustain me.<br />
<br />
Happy Father's day, Poppy Bear. I love you!<br />
XOXO,<br />
"Heavy"stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-51707238600660354432018-06-12T18:22:00.000-05:002018-06-12T18:22:11.622-05:00This is Bananas; B-A-N-A-N-A-S!Next Sunday is Father's Day and I am <b>NOT</b> looking forward to it. I know avoiding the card and gift displays in all of the stores and cocooning myself away for that day will not make the sadness of missing my Poppy go away but it is what it is. On top of the looming holiday, the news of two prominent public figures who committed suicide have me wallowing in my own thoughts of sadness while trying to make myself talk about it.<br />
<br />
The last thing I really want to do is talk about it........for so many reasons but mainly because I feel it makes me sound like a whiny baby that needs to shut up. So I've been struggling with my own depression and feelings and this blog is what has slowly emerged. Hopefully it won't seem as scattered as it feels in my head but if I'm going to help destroy the stigma of mental health issues, I need to rip the virtual band-aid off of my own.<br />
<br />
<b>Depression is no joke and it's even worse for a (formerly?) Eternal Optimist.</b><br />
I seriously used to think that I wasn't capable of being depressed and for most of my life it was, by-in-large, the truth. I wrote often of my Happy List and about happiness being a choice and I really hope that one day I will wholeheartedly believe that again. [Even now I feel a bit of optimism trying to percolate from the depths and that gives credence to my hope!]<br />
<br />
I have good days and bad days. At the moment, the bad days are winning when stacked against the good but I try to remember that there <i><b>have</b></i> been good days and <i><b>there will be more</b></i>....no matter how much I'm hurting in this current moment. It's the current moments that are the problem. They are dark and dreary and good at convincing me of things I KNOW are not true.<br />
<br />
Things like this:<br />
I am alone, I am unwanted, I am unloved and the only way to make the pain stop is to cease to exist.<br />
Like I said.....I know these things are not true but in my darkness, that is how I feel. I'm doing my best to get through this but unfortunately, I cannot take anti-depressants because they make things worse for me.<br />
<br />
<b>Depression plus Acute Stress Disorder is BANANAS. </b><br />
I'm still seeing my therapist and I'm making good progress, all things considered. The worst part is the uncontrollable rage that usually shows up when I'm dealing with extreme emotion. I have never been a mean person and have been a pacifist my entire life so when this has happened and I've found myself needing to apologize to a loved one, I feel like a total chump and feel like they think I'm using it as an excuse for bad behavior and that ends up just adding fuel to the fire of my depression.<br />
<br />
There is no "cure" for PTDS, just managing it so I'm doing my best to learn as much as I can about it and to be open to the cues my therapist gives to help me manage the different situations as they have arisen. If you want to learn more about PTSD, you can read about it <a href="http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder" target="_blank">here</a>. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>One Hundred Times More Difficult </b><br />
I thought the blog about my Acute Stress Disorder was the hardest to write and post, but this one feels 100 times harder to hit the publish button. I dread the onslaught of messages it's likely to precipitate and I don't want to scare my family and friends with my honesty about these feelings but I really feel the need to post this. You know what they say, "If I can help one person by posting this it will be worth it". And, quite honestly, I'm not sure if the person it might help could possibly be me.<br />
<br />
It's impossible to know what someone might be dealing with silently and alone so be kind to others, check on friends or reach out for help if you feel you need it. <b> </b><br />
<br />
<b>[Friends: PLEASE DON'T FREAK OUT.....I'm going to be fine. There's still a silver lining and I'll be optimistic, all the time, again some day.]</b><br />
<br />
<br />stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-43076298137801936022018-03-20T19:16:00.000-05:002018-03-20T19:16:25.090-05:00The Girl Who LivedI've been seeing my therapist for 3 months now. Although I was reluctant to accept the initial diagnosis, I am pleased and a bit surprised at how effective it has been in helping me understand and, most times, avoid the anxiety/panic attacks I was having. As recently as 5 weeks ago, the constant pain and sadness was still making me want to just fade away so I wasn't too hopeful I would ever get beyond the feelings of sadness and panic, let alone ever feel happy again.<br />
<br />
But something happened.<br />
<br />
I continued to follow my therapist's recommendations, despite my gloom and doom feelings, and my panic attacks started to wane. Then I noticed my aggressive need to punch and destroy things had slowly faded as well. I woke up a few weeks ago and realized I felt completely normal. It took awhile to comprehend what that feeling was and I really expected it to be just a small reprieve from my sadness before it would pick up where it left off. I tentatively went about my day waiting for the melancholy or anger to descend at any moment but it didn't. I've not had a full blown panic attack nor have I punched any thing since February12th. As far as my depression and sadness goes, it comes and goes but the intervals of sadness are getting shorter and much less painful and the amount of time I feel like my old self continues to increase. I still have days where I'm overwhelmed if I encounter any unexpected emotions and it causes my behavior to be a bit erratic which stresses me out just a bit but I''m getting better at controlling those reactions. I really can't explain the relief I feel knowing it is absolutely possible for me be completely happy again someday and that makes the bouts of sadness a bit easier to endure. <br />
<br />
I feel like the girl who lived.<br />
<br />
The month of March is full of dates that bring a range of emotions. Most of them are good emotion remembrances that will most likely help combat my sadness but getting past the one year mark since my nephew died I know will be difficult. I'm a little more than apprehensive about unnecessary grief that could come from unexpected media coverage and insensitive people on social media. I'm contemplating a total disconnect from all forms of media to smooth the way for that day as much as possible. I want to spend the day remembering my sweet Sugar Max with the 18 years of memories I have. There will be time enough after that day has passed to resume my forward progress with my Acute Stress Disorder and the looming unknown of April.<br />
<br />
<br />stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-88786882697668472002018-01-31T12:27:00.002-06:002018-01-31T12:28:08.291-06:00February 2018: an arrow through my heartI started writing/keeping a journal when I was 12 years old. Through my college years, I would write almost daily. I think it helped me work through things on my own without seeming like those much reviled psycho-chicks I've written about over the years. My writing started tapering off about a decade ago but dropped abruptly to almost none when I moved back to my hometown at the start of 2012. As a part of my treatment, my therapist has encouraged me to start writing again and to go back and read old writing when I feel I can.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure if keeping a journal is partially responsible for this, but I have an uncanny knack for remembering names and dates. This is especially helpful for things like history tests or 12 nieces and nephews' birthdays. It can be helpful for remembering significant events or it can make me seem like a fount of useless information. Currently, it's an arrow to my heart as February brings a few memories that are stirring lots of emotions. Some are good, some are sad but they all make me determined to remain on my current path.<br />
<br />
February 4th will be 2 years since my Poppy left this world. He was my first love, my anchor, my biggest fan and the best provider for his family and the hole left by his absence is huge. I will get past this day and will likely shed a few tears but I have nothing but wonderful memories to comfort me and remind me that my life goes on.<br />
<br />
The next thing that February brings is an avalanche of memories with Pepe. Although I have written about him before, I rarely write about any specific details or memories because I like to keep that all to myself. I'm making an exception now because of several things which have him at the forefront of my thoughts lately. Unfortunately, he was on the receiving end of some of my worst panic attacks before I knew about my ASD (acute stress disorder). We've been friends for almost 17 years and I've always been neurotic and insecure about lags in communication with him. For nearly 2 decades he has patiently and kindly reassured me and I have bridged the gaps of flakiness because that's the yin and yang of our friendship. My preoccupation with my jacked up emotions has severely disrupted the balance we've always had and I feel I haven't been there for a friend when he has needed one most.<br />
<br />
Most of the February memories with Pepe are from 16 years ago.....still within the first year of our association. After 10 months of unemployment and countless resumes having been sent, he had a series of interviews that finally resulted in a job offer on Feb 7th or 8th of 2002. We were supposed to go to dinner to celebrate but we ended up staying in and watching the opening ceremony of the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics. The night was significant in many ways and I remember it each February without any fanfare but this year, as he is so heavily on my mind and it is also a winter Olympic year, it seems those memories from 16 years ago are on repeat in my mind. I doubt he remembers the date specifics, but I know he remembers the events. I hope the memories are as good for him as they are for me.<br />
<br />
The last Pepe memory that February brings is from 2009. The 13th was on a Friday and everyone knows how much I love Friday the 13th. I was sitting at the Red Rooster with my friend, Amy, and it was just before midnight and he sent me a text that just said, "Happy Valentine's Day". This isn't significant because of the message, but just the sentiment. In all the years I've known him, he has never said (either verbally or written) so much as a happy birthday, a merry Christmas, happy St Pat's, etc....to me. Nothing. Except that one Friday the 13th in 2009. It wasn't meant as a gesture of love because that's not how he and I are, but it is a memory that I love all the same.<br />
<br />
February will be bittersweet but I'm so very thankful it is full of memories of 2 men (My Poppy and Pepe) who are so similar in their demeanor and personality and not memories of silly, insignificant people who have made guest appearances throughout the Februarys of my life. stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-28747451739758551282018-01-18T17:40:00.000-06:002018-01-18T18:19:35.263-06:00A New Perspective: In Memorium Through a Different LensI've written about my friend Becky many times over the years and about the lasting impact her life and death have had on me. Today marks 30 years since she died and although much of how I feel about Becky and honoring her friendship and memory remains the same, some of my perspective has changed as a result of losing my nephew because he was nearly the same age as Becky when she died.<br />
<br />
The original post that I'll be pulling excerpts from can be read <a href="http://starshapedwords.blogspot.com/2009/01/in-memorium.html" target="_blank">HERE</a>.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
On January 18, 1988, Becky was killed in an accident on her way back to
school from having gone to retrieve a yearbook layout she had forgotten
at home. I had seen her in the hall that morning as I was rushing to my
first class and we exchanged a few words about the exciting things
happening in our boy-crazy, high school lives and promised to find time
later in the day to really discuss all our news.......but that was the
last time I ever spoke to Becky.</blockquote>
I was 16 when this happened and mortality rarely enters one's mind at that age. It felt so open-ended without any chance for closure. In the days following Max's death, I remember reading the things his friends were posting and I knew exactly how they felt. Many of his friends connected with me on social media and I think it helps all of us in different ways to ease the pain of a sudden loss.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Because of Becky's kindness to everyone, I try to be the kind of friend
to my friends and those I meet that she was to me. I feel this is the
best way to honor her memory and keep part of her alive.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />
As an auntie, it's so important for me to keep Max's memory alive. I think of he children his siblings will have and I want to help them know their Uncle Max. I want people to hear my nephew's beautiful singing voice and know what a talented guitarist he was. I don't know if any of his friends feel this way, but if my own experience has taught me anything, there are friends who's lives he touched who will always keep his memory alive.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Becky is still very much a part of [our] lives and
friendship. We try to make fairly regular trips to her final resting
place in Missouri and hope her family finds comfort in knowing how much
we loved her, too.</blockquote>
<br />
For years I wondered if any of Becky's family would see the remembrances we would leave on her grave and find comfort that friends from Oklahoma not only thought of her but would make the trip to remember her more than 20 years after her passing. When I visit Max's resting place and see little things his friends leave, I feel so much comfort and now understand that Becky's family certainly found comfort in the things we would leave.<br />
<br />
It's hard to believe it has been 30 years and given the struggles I have had regarding loss, remembering Becky and drawing some parallels has been good for me. I hope in 30 years one of Max's friends will be thinking of him and the impact he had on their life. I'm so thankful for everything Becky brought to my life and continues to bring. stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-74321781626810834372018-01-13T17:35:00.000-06:002018-01-13T17:35:07.331-06:00Dealing with LossThis may be the most difficult thing I've ever tried to write. And if you're reading this, I finally hit the "publish" button.<br />
<br />
I will be the first to admit that I've lived a pretty charmed life when it comes to loss. Until losing my father in 2016, I'd never known any profound sadness and had never even remotely felt any depression. In fact, there are many times I wrote about my extreme optimism and my feeling that I might not even be ABLE to be depressed. I think that may be one of the main reasons it took me so long to realize I wasn't just dealing with depression associated with grief. I honestly thought that once I got past the one year mark I would start to come out of my funk. I was wrong. It got worse and there were days that I would only move from my bed to make sure my mother was taken care of and had something to eat. Then I would head back to my cocoon so I could hide from and protect myself from feeling anything but the dull ache in my heart.<br />
<br />
<br />
At the end of March, my 18 year old nephew was taken from us suddenly and the nature of his death was fairly violent. Instead of falling deeper into depression, I was suddenly out of my funk and moving with a purpose again. I knew I had to live every bit of life that I had because my nephew no longer could. I felt as though I had been pulled from the flames of a burning building! My life had been saved from the downward spiral of depression and I felt young....as though I had been reborn. That feeling lasted about 3 week and I was unaware that I was operating on adrenaline from the sudden shock. As the adrenaline high subsided, I began to spiral back down into my deep depression but as the days and weeks passed, I could tell something was different. The most noticeable was my anger. At first I just thought I was finally moving through my grief but I was noticing that this anger came with an aggression that made this life-long pacifist want to throat punch or put my knee to a groin. I felt like I would be better if I could just destroy things. Swipe everything off the table and shelves, upend all the furniture and smash all windows and TVs. This anger tinged with violence started to scare me because I couldn't control when I felt or for how long. As the months passed, I also developed irrational fears that wold bring on anxiety attacks. That was what made me start to think I was going crazy. As one who has always been level-headed and calm, it seems 100 times worse because friends and some family would suddenly find themselves on the receiving end of one of the panic attacks and I had neither an explanation for my bizarre behavior nor an excuse for my inability to control or calm the attack once it had started.<br />
<br />
This past November after a particularly emotional weekend away from my day-to-day life, I felt bombarded with every type of emotion. Most of them were good, but a few were difficult and sad but it was probably the first time I had allowed myself to fully feel ANY type of emotion since February 2016. Once those flood gates were opened, I couldn't staunch the flow and that's when I thought about fading away....ceasing to exist. That's when I knew something was very wrong and beyond my control.<br />
<br />
It wasn't easy, but I went to see a therapist and after a brief explanation of the crazy and uncontrollable things I was feeling. After 15 minutes the therapist told me I had Acute Stress Disorder.<br />
<br />
What is Acute Stress Disorder? It turns out that it's a mild form of PTSD. In an instant I felt ridiculous....like some frivolous little girl. How on earth could I have anything even <i><b>remotely</b></i> resembling PTSD? I kept thinking......that can't be. I'm not even the one who lost their son. I'm not the one who is living like half or them was removed when their spouse died. I was just a girl who had always been incredibly stable and sane who had lost her father and her nephew.<br />
<br />
My therapist sent me home with an assignment to read about Acute Stress Disorder. As soon as I read a textbook definition, I knew that he was 100% correct with his diagnosis and I felt just a little bit of the craziness leave my weary mind. I have a lot of work to do and the worst part of my panic disorder is the impending sense of loss that I feel looming constantly, just waiting to swoop in and take away another person from my life. It's likely this feeling will not even begin to subside until after April. My subconscious perceives a pattern of loss [my father in Feb 2016; my nephew in March 2017, and ??? in April 2018] Just typing that has my anxiety building and I can feel my limbs shaking as my heart races. <br />
<br />
To any of you who have been on the receiving end of one of these attacks, I am trying to get to each of you personally to apologize and explain. For now, when I feel as though I'm about to lose someone, I focus on the type of loss I'm panicked over. As my therapist points out.....all loss besides death can be regained, found, added back to you. And focusing on the difference in the types of loss have made it much more manageable in my mind.<br />
<br />
At times this diagnosis still seems a bit ridiculous but I know I already feel better than I did and I might get through this without losing too many of my marbles. Be kind to each other and be mindful that everyone has something unseen to others that's a burden they must bear on their own each day. stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-69254793206754950562017-12-29T14:18:00.002-06:002017-12-29T14:18:43.927-06:00Private! Keep Out! [Relevant Wisdom from my Lovey Mom]Those who know me, know how wise my Lovey Mom is. She has always been able to teach important life lessons in simple and effective ways. So many of these lessons/concepts contribute to character and values and have consequently become the cornerstone and foundation of my own life. I can't speak to others and the choices they make, but I share my Lovey Mom's morality tale as it has recently come up more that once on several fronts in my life.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>R-E-S-P-E-C-T ones P-R-I-V-A-C-Y </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
For as long as I can remember, my Lovey Mom gave me and my siblings absolute privacy. Not only were our bedrooms a personal sanctuary, the expectation of privacy was total; covering every space/aspect of our life. She felt that everyone should feel their personal privacy was important enough to be respected, no matter our age. In so doing, she taught me that every one's privacy is sacrosanct. Knowing that my privacy was respected, I never felt the need to hide anything. </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Lovey Mom's Privacy Principle was based on avoiding a moral dilemma. As an example: If I left a note I'd written to a friend (folded and on a table in the den) and she read it and discovered that my friends and I were planning to skip school and go to the movies...not only would she feel the need to confront me about the plan to skip school, she would also have to confess to invading my privacy and that just wasn't something she ever wanted to do as a parent. [Heather's note: I never would have skipped school. I would have told my mom that everyone was skipping to see a movie and would have asked her to call the school and excuse me for the rest of the day. I know.....but, I was raised by Lovey Mom and it was a wonderfully symbiotic existence.]</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Don't misunderstand. If my parents had ever suspected that we were hiding something that would have hurt us or caused us trouble, they would have come to us and given us a chance to come clean. If necessary, I suppose they would have informed us of a need to look through our rooms but that was never an issue that ever came up with any of us.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Because of this lifelong respect of my privacy, I've never been tempted to snoop or pry but I also expect that everyone will extend that same courtesy to me. I also understand that sometimes, things are seen accidentally and can't be unseen.</div>
<br />
<br />
I suppose I'm writing this as a way to offer amnesty to the few who have found themselves elbow-deep in my private things and are unable to confront me without admitting their own gaffe. I'd be more than happy to address any concerns or explain what you encountered. I can assure you I have nothing I'm hiding from you.<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
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stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-87202193477898505232017-04-22T12:13:00.002-05:002017-04-23T03:23:12.685-05:00A Poetry Month post for my Sweet Sugar MaxApril is National Poetry Month and I always try to share at least one poem with my friends and family either through a blog or a post on social media. I have always loved poetry but I also understand that some just don't get it. It makes me a bit sad for them and has often caused me to try and rally the resistant masses and help them learn to love (or at least gain a small appreciation of) poetry. I've even written poetry to help champion this cause and if you're interested, you can read those poems <a href="http://starshapedwords.blogspot.com/2008/11/waxing-poetic.html" target="_blank">HERE</a>.<br />
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This April has been particularly difficult. The sudden death of my 18 year old nephew has me heartbroken but resolute. I will miss him the rest of my life but I am determined to live, love and feel as much as I can since he can no longer do those things. My nephew, Max, was a gifted individual. Having been burdened with high functioning Aspberger's syndrome <span style="font-size: xx-small;">[1]</span>, he was also blessed with a talent for music and art.<br />
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Because of Max's love for music, I have decided to share lyrics (poetry set to music, in my opinion) to honor the memory of my sweet Sugar Max and to share some of his talent with those who choose to read and listen. The way I hear music changed forever when my nephew left this world. Although music has always been a huge part of our lives with my entire family, I listen to songs I have loved for years and wonder, "Why didn't I ever share that song with Max? He would have loved it and I would have loved to hear him sing it." The lyric poem I am sharing is one of those I wish I had shared with him. Not only is it one I have loved for decades, the words are poignantly relevant and speak to the loss my family feels so deeply.<br />
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<i><b>If These Walls Could Speak </b>by Jimmy Webb (recorded first by the great Glen Campbell)</i><br />
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If these old walls, if these old walls could speak</div>
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What a tale they'd have to tell, hard headed people raisin' hell<br />
A couple in love livin' week to week<br />
Rooms full of laughter, if these old walls could speak</div>
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If these old halls, if hallowed halls could talk<br />
These would have a tale to tell, the sun goin' down and dinner bells<br />
And children playin' at hide and seek<br />
From floor to rafters, if these old walls could speak</div>
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They would tell you that I'm sorry<br />
For bein' cold and blind and weak<br />
They would tell you that it's only<br />
That I have a stubborn streak<br />
If these walls could speak</div>
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If these old fashioned window panes were eyes<br />
I guess they would have seen it all<br />
Each little tear and sigh and footfall</div>
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And every dream that we came to seek or followed after</div>
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If these walls could speak</div>
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They would tell you that I owe you<br />
More than I could ever pay<br />
Here's someone who really loves you<br />
Don't ever go away<br />
That's what these walls would say</div>
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They would tell you that I owe you<br />
More than I could ever pay<br />
Here's someone who really loves you<br />
Don't ever go away<br />
That's what these walls would say</div>
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That's what these walls would say<br />
That's what these walls would say</div>
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If you are <i style="font-weight: bold;">still</i> not feeling the lyrical poetry love, here's a great recording of Glen and Jimmy from their album, <b>In Session</b> which I recommend you find it and listen to the entire album.....it's solid gold!</div>
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Fortunately for his family and friends, Max (short for Maxwell) posted several short videos of himself singing and playing the guitar. I visit and listen often and have come to view his instagram account as my very own Mirror of Erised. [If you're not a Potterhead, that's a nerd reference to something from the Sorcerer's Stone]
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Feel free to listen to my Sugar Max. He's not even been gone a month and it feels like an eternity so far.
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<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BM9zntNB8Xg/" style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">A post shared by maxwell cookie (@cookmax64)</a> on <time datetime="2016-11-18T20:57:43+00:00" style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">Nov 18, 2016 at 12:57pm PST</time></div>
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<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BMSOa1JBalC/" style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">A post shared by maxwell cookie (@cookmax64)</a> on <time datetime="2016-11-01T22:45:18+00:00" style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">Nov 1, 2016 at 3:45pm PDT</time></div>
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<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BL1N6cih-yb/" style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">A post shared by maxwell cookie (@cookmax64)</a> on <time datetime="2016-10-21T16:22:54+00:00" style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">Oct 21, 2016 at 9:22am PDT</time></div>
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<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BGAKTg2yqed/" style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">A post shared by maxwell cookie (@cookmax64)</a> on <time datetime="2016-05-29T19:14:39+00:00" style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">May 29, 2016 at 12:14pm PDT</time></div>
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<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BNaxk3Ihs70/" style="color: #c9c8cd; font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: 17px; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">A post shared by maxwell cookie (@cookmax64)</a> on <time datetime="2016-11-30T02:57:49+00:00" style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17px;">Nov 29, 2016 at 6:57pm PST</time></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">Notes:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">1. As a toddler and young child, before Max was diagnosed but had peculiarities unlike any of his siblings. He didn't like to wear underwear, citing when he could speak that the elastic band bothered him. He would complain that the water of a shower hurt and when siblings would respond to him in a normal tone of voice he would say, "quit shouting".</span>stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-42951250529858199712016-12-31T23:04:00.000-06:002016-12-31T23:15:40.946-06:002016: The Year the Music Died?I'm not sure if I can adequately express just how great a role music has played in my life. I often talk about the soundtrack of my life and the songs that are inextricably woven with my memories and how certain songs immediately conjure up those memories. Although neither of my parents played any instruments, both were/are consummate music lovers. In February, my Poppy passed away and as I've always been a daddy's girl, it seemed as though part of me passed away also. Consequently, 2016 was a very difficult year for me.<br />
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Although one often feels that time grinds to a crawl when experiencing grief, time <i style="font-weight: bold;">wasn't</i> standing still and after losing my Poppy, any loss seemed much more personal to me as I was immersed in my grief. Several musicians that shaped my memories and the soundtrack of my life during my teen-aged years through the 80s passed away. David Bowie, Merle Haggard, Prince, George Michael and Debbie Reynolds all impacted my life in different ways through their music and I'm so glad they shared that music with the rest of us. </div>
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[<b>Side note</b>: Although she isn't a musician, Carrie Fisher should be added to this list. I was at lunch with nieces and nephews to whom I have done my best to
instill a love for all things Star Wars when I first heard of her passing and I just cried. In 1977, A New
Hope was the first "grown up" movie I saw in a theatre on the big
screen. From that first chord of the
amazing orchestration to seeing that hologram of the first female action
hero I'd pretend to be while playing to the destruction of the Deathstar.....this
film was life changing for me. May the Force be with her and with us all!]</div>
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Just as I was beginning to think that maybe the music really <b>HAD</b> died, I started to think back over all the <i style="font-weight: bold;">wonderful </i>memories of me and my Poppy as I was growing up and that soundtrack started to play in the background. Faintly, but it was there. Just as time marches on, the band plays on as well. </div>
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Although my new year won't feel like it has started until February 5th, I hope that all of you are surrounded by love and light and you have music blasting that makes you smile and want to shake your booty off! Remember, until <i><b>our</b></i> time is done, we're adding on to that soundtrack of our lives. Make it great, make it memorable and make it SING! </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><i>HAPPY NEW YEAR!</i></b></span></div>
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BONUS CONTENT TO COME:</div>
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Tomorrow I will post the track list from Vol I, Soundtrack of my Life: the early years (songs and memories of my Poppy)!</div>
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stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-57844800403456102672014-06-30T19:27:00.000-05:002014-06-30T19:36:40.066-05:00Virtual Mix Tape- Vol. 4, Part 1 Summer Jams! I was discussing summer songs with a friend about a month ago. You know those songs that always take you back to that certain summer every time you hear it on the radio. She was lamenting how now that she was an adult, the summer song seemed to have become a thing of the past. I told her that for me, the only thing that had changed with summer songs was how they came about. When I was young and carefree and spent my days hanging out with friends, laying out by the pool, driving with the windows down in the cool of the night with the radio blaring; my summer song had chosen me. Now that the days of summer breaks are long gone, I find <i><b>I </b></i>have to be the one to choose my summer song. That's just the way life changes and evolves and it doesn't make my summer song any less memorable. With that in mind, I offer the fourth installment of my virtual mix tapes....full of summer songs past and present. All of these songs are tied up with so many great summer memories, I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!<br />
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Forever- Haim<br />
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Your Love- The Outfield<br />
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Forever Yellow Skies- The Cranberries<br />
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Steal My Sunshine- Len<br />
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Breakfast at Tiffany's- Deep Blue Something<br />
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Chandelier- Sia<br />
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Ray of Light- Madonna<br />
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Free Fallin- Tom Petty<br />
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Raspberry Beret- Prince<br />
<br />No video with music available, click <a href="http://open.spotify.com/track/6lOPbNUxDvkUkWpJLebgs7" target="_blank">HERE</a> for a Spotify link<br />
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Beautiful Day- U2<br />
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The Tide is High- Blondie<br />
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stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-53731704557719061462014-04-14T21:41:00.000-05:002014-04-14T21:41:44.654-05:00My Dream Man- 25 Years after Getting Ready for GreatnessToday marks the 25th anniversary of the release of Say Anything and that is tantamount to a national holiday in my eyes! (See what I did there?) This evening I am snuggling in and watching my all-time favorite movie for the ga-zillionth time.<br />
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After 25 years I can say with even more enthusiasm than ever that Lloyd Dobler is <i><b>still</b></i> my dream man. <br />
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I've written about Lloyd and Say Anything many times over the years (you can read a past blog about this subject <a href="http://starshapedwords.blogspot.com/2011/04/lloyd-dobler.html" target="_blank">HERE</a>) and I couldn't let this milestone pass without writing about it once again. My wise lovey mom has always said, "The reasons I fell in love with your dad are not the reasons I love him today" and the same can be said for my love of Lloyd. What starry-eyed teen <i>wouldn't</i> swoon when Lloyd kicks the glass out of Diane's way while walking her home or be able to resist that iconic image of Lloyd holding up the boombox while blasting "In Your Eyes"?<br />
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But, the reasons I fell in love with Lloyd are not the same reasons I love him today.<br />
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As an adult, what I love about Lloyd is his confidence. As he contemplates his future beyond graduation he's confident that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life aside from kickboxing ("the sport of the future"). When someone asks him how it happened that Diane was his date to their graduation party he confidently explains, "I'm Lloyd Dobler!" And when Diane's father asks him about his plans for the future, Lloyd confidently explains that he plans to spend as much time with his daughter as possible. <br />
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Coupled with that confidence is his unassuming strength. [On the outside chance that you've been living under a rock for 25 years, I must say, "spoiler alert!"] Knowing that Diane will regret leaving the country if she doesn't make some sort of effort to reconcile with her father (a man who has made no secret about his disdain for Lloyd), he hand delivers a letter to him when she thinks she can't face him yet. <br />
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And, 25 years later, I also really dig the fact that Lloyd showed that he's got an ear for great music as evidenced by the then-little-known Red Hot Chili Peppers playing in his car at the beginning of the movie.<br />
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Thank you, Cameron Crowe for 25 years of greatness! <br />
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<br />stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-32889827841844829822014-03-13T20:33:00.000-05:002014-03-13T22:38:21.800-05:00Aging ParentsIn the past few months, I've realized that my not having raised any children has put me at a distinct disadvantage for caring for my aging parents. Make no mistake, my parents aren't in need of full-time care, but there are many things that I have tried to start helping with because they should be able to take it easier as they get older. The list of things they have reluctantly relinquished to me is quite short but I'm hoping these small things will ease the way for when we have to tackle the really BIG things.<br />
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That brings me to this morning.<br />
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My mother is in Texas helping my sister. When she was preparing to leave, her only instruction for me was, "Make sure your father eats." Easy enough! That's already one less instruction than given in Gremlins and we know how that turned out. Oh! That's right........they had two simple instructions to follow and they failed miserably. Still, I only have the one instruction and I'm a pretty decent cook, so I've got this!<br />
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......or maybe not.<br />
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Last night I asked my father what he wanted for dinner. He said, "Oh, I've already eaten". Well, the first night is going smoothly! He's an adult and he's already fed himself. I think to myself with an imagined fist pump, "Sweet! This is going to be cakewalk!" I make myself some dinner and that's the smooth end to day one of making sure my father eats.<br />
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This morning as I'm preparing to leave for work, I hear my father come in from taking the dog out. He has no idea that I'm in the next room and I hear him talking to the dog. [By the way, talking to the dog is a totally common occurrence and in no way illustrates any diminished mental capabilities.]<br />
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"Well, Mollie, if Papa passes out are you going to be able to help him?"<br />
[Silence from the dog]<br />
"You can bark for help, right?"<br />
[More silence from the dog]<br />
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Since Mollie doesn't seem willing to help, I step into the room and he looks up at me like a 5 year old who got caught doing something.<br />
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"Ummmmmm......did you tell Mollie you thought you might pass out?"<br />
"Oh, I'm just feeling dizzy", he said.<br />
"Did you stand up too fast?" I ask trying to determine WHY he's feeling dizzy.<br />
"No, I was feeling dizzy before I got out of bed."<br />
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Well, that makes it better........NOT!<br />
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Since he will be home alone once I leave for my workday [except for Mollie, who seemed reluctant to offer her best Lassie impersonation should he pass out or fall down a well], I decide I need to wait until the dizziness subsides so I don't come home to him passed out on the floor with a bump on his noggin!<br />
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I ask more questions trying to determine what's causing the dizziness and my fact finding leads me to this question:<br />
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"What did you have for dinner last night?" [Remember, the easy first night when he told me he's already eaten dinner? Wait for it.......]<br />
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"Popcorn"<br />
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"Excuse me? You had popcorn for dinner? What did you have for lunch?"<br />
"I didn't have time for lunch yesterday."<br />
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And, there you have it! No lunch and popcorn for dinner. I send a text my first client and tell her I'll be late so I can make my father some breakfast. As I start to the kitchen I hear him say, "I can just drive to the donut shop and get some breakfast."<br />
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Seriously?!? You just told the dog you might pass out and you think you should get in your truck and drive? This must be the equivalent of what a baby might say if he could talk as he crawls towards the electrical outlet! "I'll be fine! You go on to work! I'm just going to crawl over and lick this electrical outlet".<br />
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Needless to say, I made him some breakfast and left him with instructions to EAT LUNCH!<br />
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Only one instruction! How hard can that be?stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-26719337075819304592014-01-16T22:54:00.003-06:002014-01-16T22:54:58.642-06:00'Twas the Night Before....As if I were a child on Christmas Eve, I lie here in bed with my heart full of excitement. Excitement because The Emperor has come to town! Even now, as I write this, he's a scant 20 minutes from where I will try to sleep tonight! I would probably find it too difficult to wait until Saturday if it weren't for tomorrow.<br />
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Tomorrow I will make the journey to my beloved OKC where an abbreviated, yet illustrious, number of the Jet Set will gradually make their way to celebrate. Celebrate what? We celebrate US! We celebrate all the things which have happened in the 4 months since we last gathered for Gateway Glitterati. Global journeys which have come to an end, marriages, partings, new love, old love, the anticipation of true equality for so many of our motley crew and friendship- deep and abiding!<br />
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Elite like the cloak and dagger secret societies of the ivy-league schools, the Jet Set makes no move to keep our gatherings a secret. One may find themselves in the midst of one of our gatherings (it takes only an invitation from a Jet Setter for one to attend) but it takes a nod from The Emperor to become a Jet Setter. One never knows where or when the next Jet Set event might manifest but one must be willing to travel at some point in order to keep up with our crowd.<br />
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What I love so much about the Jet Set is our diversity! When we gather, the amount of sheer wit, intelligence, success, beauty and fun are staggering! That's why I get so excited when we're able to get together.......fun and debauchery of epic proportions are about to go down.<br />
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So, I will try to sleep as I think about all the fun but I doubt I'll get much rest!stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-66043886107751238582013-12-15T22:49:00.002-06:002013-12-15T22:52:30.960-06:00It's a Fine LineI believe there's a fine line between most things and finding that perfect balance between them is the key! Lately I've been thinking about that fine line between humble self-confidence and blatant conceitedness. It's one thing to be confident in one's own abilities and talents and quite another to be a conceited snob.<br />
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When one feels the need to constantly tell everyone what an awesome athlete/singer/cook/writer one is there might be an issue with finding that balance between humility and conceit. Furthermore, if a person constantly barrages anyone who will listen with how great their talent is and constantly berates others who are also similarly talented, I tend to discount that persons talent.....even if they <i><b>are</b></i> brilliant. Being braggadocios and boastful is just poor manners and makes one ugly in my opinion. <br />
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Don't get me wrong. It's great to believe in the depth of your talent, but believing that <b>no one else</b> in the <b>entire world</b> is as talented as <b>you</b> is short-sighted. It's true that there probably <i>is</i> someone in the world who is better than everyone else in their particular area of expertise. The chances that, out of everyone in the entire world that is <b>YOU.....</b> well, statistically speaking, the odds are not in your favor.<br />
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Here's what I'm wondering. What's wrong with being able to admit and accept that someone else plays/sings/cooks/writes as well as you do?" And, if you really do believe that <b>no one</b> is as equally talented as you, why can't you keep it to yourself? I feel that if one is truly talented, others will realize it without having it pointed out for them.<br />
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[steps down from soapbox] stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-3788251882742066132013-11-29T00:10:00.000-06:002013-11-29T00:10:19.830-06:00Deep Peace (or Thanksgiving Thankfulness Blog Pt 2)A few weeks ago I attended my college homecoming. Not only was it homecoming but it was also my 20 year class reunion AND the 50th anniversary celebration of The University Chorale. As one of my Kappa brothers always said, "The friends you make in college are the friends you'll keep for the rest of your life" and he was correct! So many of the people I'm friends with are college chums and more specifically, fellow University Chorale members.<br />
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Even if I had the gift of writing a beautifully elegant description of what my years singing with Chorale meant to me, I don't think one could fully understand it without experiencing it. It wasn't just that I attended my university at the height of Agee's Years of Excellence, but that I happened to walk into an audition for the university mixed chorus the first week of my freshman year. Little did I know that audition would shape my entire college career and would still have such a great effect on me 24 years later.<br />
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Once I was chosen to become a part of Chorale, they did just that.....made me a part of it. Something so beyond anything I could have hoped for as a 17 year old. The lessons learned just sitting in rehearsals under Dr. Cobb and performing and touring with 50some of the most talented people created life-long memories that are reinforced each time I've returned for Chorale reunions.<br />
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Our fearless and dedicated leader created such a unique bond and experience and for that I will be forever thankful! Thank you, Dr (Cobb) Lippens for allowing me to be a part of something so meaningful. On this day of thanksgiving I'm so thankful that I walked into that audition room all those years ago.<br />
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I leave you this evening the way MY Chorale would leave when parting......with a blessing. <i><b>OUR </b></i>blessing to those who were a part of us and to those who had come to listen to us. I wish I had the recording of us singing this at homecoming, but this song is beautiful and the sentiment is heartfelt.<br />
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Deep Peace to You!<br />
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<br />stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-13957631637881432912013-11-28T07:07:00.000-06:002013-11-28T07:07:05.681-06:00Amazing! (Or Thanksgiving Thankfulness Blog Pt 1)I always, always, <i><b>always</b></i> wait until the last minute to write this blog, but this year I had a couple of good reasons why. I don't post much over here too much anymore and because it's a two-parter! [I'm not sure <i>when</i> today I'll get the second part posted, but I <i>will</i> find some time later to do it!]<br />
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What a difference 2 years can make! For the first time in several years I'm not writing this blog with one eye on today and the other on the approaching New Year, anticipating a better (and much needed) year ahead. Maybe it's the lucky 13, but I have a feeling this trend will continue and with that I will start my list.<br />
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I'm thankful that 2013 has been such a great year.<br />
I'm thankful for my nieces and nephews who never fail to make me happy.<br />
I'm thankful for a business that is growing.<br />
I'm thankful for friends, far and near, who never fail to lift me up, keep me sane, make me laugh and love me no matter what.<br />
I'm thankful for opposites.<br />
I'm thankful for the internet. <br />
I'm thankful my parents are still active and healthy.<br />
I'm thankful for my furry family members. They warm my heart with their sweet, unwavering love.<br />
I'm thankful for time spent with those I love....especially today.<br />
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I'm off to start my cooking marathon (for which I am also thankful)!<br />
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Happy Thanksgiving!<br />
[to be continued]<br />
<br />stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-43942246714686927192013-09-06T17:30:00.001-05:002013-09-07T11:34:03.735-05:00I can Hardly Contain my Excitement!<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;">Only one more week! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;">(It's bigger than Christmas even!)</span> </span></div>
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stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-32485416218323856372013-02-13T22:00:00.000-06:002013-02-13T22:00:37.825-06:00Sweet StuffI want to wish my niece a very happy 21st birthday! It's so hard to believe that 21 years ago tonight I was holding her for the first time and whispering to my sister, "you made this"! That was the first of many times I would watch her in amazement as she grew into the wonderful young woman she is today. I know everyone was hoping she would wait just a couple of more hours so she would be the most perfect Valentine's Baby, but she was destined to be a Thirteen Baby and I'm so happy she is a part of that club!<div>
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By far, the most rewarding and fun thing in my life is being an auntie. I've been blessed with 12 of the most awesome kids (many of them not really kids anymore) in the universe. </div>
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I don't want to embarrass her by telling all the cute and funny stories from the past 21 years so instead I will post a few of my favorite pictures of her from over the years. </div>
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<b>[I love you, Emmalia! Happy birthday!]</b></div>
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<b>I hope your day was as wonderful and awesome as you are!</b></div>
stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-30251283186064198712013-01-18T15:20:00.000-06:002013-01-18T15:23:46.832-06:00Time Marches on.....It's hard to believe it has been 25 years since my friend left this earth. I think of her often, but more on this horrible anniversary than most days. For those who don't know about my friend, Becky, you can read about her <a href="http://starshapedwords.blogspot.com/2009/01/in-memorium.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
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Many things have changed in the 4 years since I originally posted that blog, but the one that hasn't changed is my commitment to be as compassionate and understanding as my friend was. I have chosen to spend this day by filling it with random acts of kindness as I go throughout the day. The people receiving the kindness will never know why it was given, but somehow I feel my sweet Boo Boo Sister will know it and would have done the same if she were still here.<br />
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Things can change in an instant, so take some time to let those you love know how much they mean to you.<br />
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<br />stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-63022549771462922242012-12-24T16:25:00.000-06:002012-12-24T16:42:37.953-06:00Simple GiftsMany of the best gifts I've been given have been simple, inexpensive and often intangible things. I don't think that's any sort of a coincidence. Why else would "It's the thought that counts" be so prevalent a saying in our culture?<br />
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Last year, a few days before Christmas my friend, The Emperor, posted this on the internet.<br />
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<span aria-live="polite" class="fbPhotosPhotoCaption" id="fbPhotoSnowliftCaption" tabindex="0"> What negative item would you like to purge for the New Year? <br /> Post it below and I'll burn the list on the beach on New Year's Eve.</span><br />
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I gave him a short, simple but very sincere request. Something I had been trying to purge from my life for years. Some posted funny and glib requests but many posted requests to be released from the pain of emotions, hurt feelings, broken hearts and lives.<br />
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On New Year's Eve, as the new year approached, The Emperor posted this:<br />
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Preparing to burn the past.<br />
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Seeing the printed list of the requests made me happy because it would have been so easy to post for requests but not <i style="font-weight: bold;">actually</i> burn them. I sat 1700 miles away in anticipation- even I was surprised at how hopeful I felt knowing that someone cared enough for his friends (real and virtual, old and new) to make this symbolic gesture on our behalf.<br />
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As the sun set on 2011, The Emperor posted this:<br />
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I burned all we needed to leave behind at the edge of the world. Happy New Year, my friends.</div>
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<span aria-live="polite" class="fbPhotosPhotoCaption" tabindex="0">I'm pleased to say that the thing I requested to be burned, thus purging it from my life, was a resounding success! Not only that, but it was replaced by something 1,000 times better. I realize this seems like a post about the New Year but, to me, it's about a gift given unselfishly by a thoughtful, new friend. It's one of the best gifts I've ever been given and I thank The Emperor for his loving kindness to his friends. </span><br />
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I hope this Christmas brings you blessings of love, peace and friendship which carry you into next year and throughout the entire year. Merry Christmas!<br />
<span id=".reactRoot[271].[1][2][1]{comment10150444622597852_5605020}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][1]"></span>stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-74136804364240867222012-12-09T19:36:00.000-06:002012-12-09T19:36:16.408-06:00It's Beginning to Feel a lot like Christmas!Maybe it's the cold front that has moved in and lowered the temps, but I finally woke up this morning feeling like it really <i style="font-weight: bold;">is</i> just about 2 weeks until Christmas. I've spent the last two weekends watching all of my favorite Christmas shows and movies in an effort to motivate me to get moving on procuring the load of gifts I'll need for my precious nieces and nephews, but there's nothing like cool, crisp air to tip the scale towards full on peace and goodwill!<br />
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To celebrate the festive mood I'm in, I'm going to share my Christmas Virtual Mix Tape (this make vol. 4, I believe). Enjoy!<br />
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(Most of these songs are chosen because they remind me of so many Christmases past and the feeling of family and togetherness Christmas always makes me feel.)<br />
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<b>The Christmas Tree who Ran Away</b>- When I was little, I would listen to this song over and over again on my little portable record player!
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<b>Christmas Song (Alvin and the Chipmunks)-</b> I loved this whole album and can remember listening to it (and dozens of others) as we would decorate the tree and house for Christmas!<br />
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<b>I'll be Home for Christmas (The Lennon Sisters)-</b> I have always loved the Lennon Sisters...probably because my grandparents always watched the Lawrence Welk Show, but also because I've always loved to sing harmony! This song became even dearer to me when I was away at college and is tied up with so many memories from those wonderful years.<br />
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<b>Blue Christmas (Elvis Presley)-</b> It wouldn't be Christmas at our house without Elvis!<br />
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<b>The 12 Days of Christmas (John Denver and the Muppets)- </b>No holiday would be complete without the Muppets! We had this cassette and would listen to it in the car and all sing along!<br />
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<b>Home for the Holidays (Perry Como)-</b> Another favorite of the many Christmas albums we would listen to when I was a child, but this song became so much more meaningful when I was in college.<br />
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<b>Adeste Fideles (Bing Crosby)-</b> Probably my favorite traditional Christmas song. I can remember lying beneath the tree and looking up at the lights and listening to this. Perfect Christmas memory!<br />
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<b>River (cover by Heart)- </b> It was a tough call which version to include in this blog as I really love the original, but because the Road Home album is so meaningful to me, I decided to use Heart's beautiful cover of this song. The holiday can be a sad time for so many and there are a few melancholy songs I love despite the dark tone of the lyrics....this is one.<br />
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<b>The Fruitcake Song-</b> For three of my years in college I had the privilege of being one of the singers asked to lead the Feast of the Boar's Head at our university. I didn't mind the extra rehearsals or dressing up in medieval garb. There was plenty of beautiful and meaningful music, but this song just reminds me of Christmas, good food, finals being over and winter break looming on the horizon. I'm sure somewhere in the archives of my alma mater is a recording of our group leading the Feast, but this will have to suffice in its stead.<br />
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<b>For Unto Us a Child is Born (from Handel's Messiah)</b>- Midway through the first part and at the end of the scene 3 is one of the most beautiful proclamations I've ever heard!<br />
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<b>Do the Know it's Christmas (Band Aid)- </b>Of course I had to have an 80s song in the mix...it just wouldn't have been right without one. In addition to taking me back to my junior high days when I was sooooo in love with Duran Duran, it makes me think of an awesome group of friends that took on this song as the finale for our Tunes for Tots toy drive several years ago. Anyway, enjoy all the mullets and baby faces in this video. Laugh at Sting singing "bitter sting of tears" and Bono taking a back seat to Simon LeBon. This video is awesome!<br />
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I hope you enjoyed my Holiday Virtual Mix Tape! Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas!stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-63630235456138427482012-11-21T17:52:00.000-06:002012-11-21T17:52:41.004-06:00Better Late than NeverWell, there's nothing like coming screeching in on 2 wheels, posting my annual missive the day before Thanksgiving about the things for which I am thankful. It has been a year full of change and there are many reasons to be full of thanks.<br />
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- I am thankful that 2012 was such a great year!<br />
- I am thankful my move away from my beloved OKC has been such a rewarding experience.<br />
- I am thankful my beloved OKC is close enough to visit often.<br />
- I am thankful for my eternal optimism.<br />
- I am thankful for my family (especially my nieces and nephews).<br />
- I am thankful for the opportunity to get to spend more time with my nieces. They are incredible, young women who make me smile and laugh on a daily basis.<br />
- I am thankful for a simple life.<br />
- I am thankful to be a business owner.<br />
- I am thankful for my TQ family. (many new people added to the list this year!)<br />
- I am thankful for my best friends. They make my life entertaining.<br />
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Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you're spending it the way I am.....surrounded by love!<br />
<br />stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-62299371906226274702012-11-03T19:40:00.000-05:002012-11-03T19:40:32.683-05:00Top of the WorldTwenty days past the 10 year anniversary of one of the<a href="http://starshapedwords.blogspot.com/2011/08/maybe-shes-just-pieces-of-me-youve.html" target="_blank"> most excellent and spiritual concert experiences</a>, I returned to the same theatre for another life-changing concert experience.<br />
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<b>I finally got to see Patty Griffin live</b> and have scratched a major item off my bucket list.<br />
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While this experience was every bit as spiritual as the Little Earthquakes show, it was so different. This was the first time in nearly 12 years that Patty has toured by herself; not with a band, not backing up any of her super-famous singing friends- <b>just Patty, a piano and her guitars</b>.<br />
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This was a dream come true for me and I got to share it with people I love and who totally understood how special this was going to be. I have loved Patty since a friend shared a track from <b>Living with Ghosts</b> with me. I was blown away by the beauty of the music and that was just the beginning. At that time I couldn't have imagined <b>Flaming Red</b>, <b>1000 Kisses</b>, <b>A Kiss in Time</b> and then the heart-breaking beauty of <b>Impossible Dream</b>. I have a feeling that will always be my all-time favorite Patty album because of how deeply I feel every track.<br />
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There's no way listening to Patty sing from the 7th row could be disappointing. But, as with any artist who has a large catalog of songs from which to choose when planning a set list, not everyone will hear everything they want to hear. There were 3 songs I really wanted to hear live, but I knew I would be fine as long as she sang <b><i>When it Don't Come Easy</i></b>. Sadly, she didn't include it in her set list for the Sooner Theatre show, but it's okay. She wrote the song, put it out in the universe for me to enjoy for the rest of my life along with all of her other work. She even played a couple of songs from the upcoming 2013 album!<br />
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And, at the end of a very cold wait after the concert, I got to meet her! Absolutely a stellar night!<br />
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<br />stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-24494523458124135082012-09-29T19:00:00.003-05:002012-09-29T19:00:27.333-05:00What Every Contestant Should Understand about their Score It's that time of year again for me......that time when the scores from nationals are being posted on the Talent Quest website and individual contestants are receiving the breakdown of their scores via email. Inevitably, contestants are upset when they see the breakdown of the scores and it's hard for me not to take it personally. Although I have never been a Talent Quest contestant, I really <b>DO</b> understand how important this is to all the contestants and I put <b>ALL</b> of my effort and energy into carefully tabulating and analyzing the scores to ensure that it is fair for all who are putting their extraordinary talents up on that stage.<br />
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Having tabulated at the local, regional and national level for 7 years, there are a couple of things I wish contestants could understand when looking at their scores. Since I don't have time to give a seminar at nationals about this, I decided to put these important points into a blog so everyone will better understand and hopefully won't be so hard on themselves and actually <i style="font-weight: bold;">have</i> a breakdown!<br />
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Important Facts:<br />
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<b>#1: Comparing your scores to previous year's scores or between rounds is not a fair assessment of improvement or weakening of your skills</b><br />
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It would be a rare case that a contestant would have the same 3 judges from one year to the next in ALL rounds of competition so comparing this years scores to last years (or round one scores to round two; pop score to country) is a moot point.<br />
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<b>#2: A low score from a judge doesn't mean that judge was unfair to you or didn't like you</b><br />
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Some judges just score low. That means they score EVERYone lower- not just you. When you get your score breakdown it's <b>just your scores</b> not the contestant before or after you, so you don't see the consistency that I look for when tabulating. In addition to putting in <i style="font-weight: bold;">all</i> the scores for <i style="font-weight: bold;">every</i> contestant, I chart out the scores to make sure that even if one judge is scoring low, all the scores move basically up and down in conjunction. This allows me to spot any abnormalities by sight. Below is sampling of scores I pulled from a regional contest about 5 years ago to give an example of how a lower scoring judge's scores "go with the flow".<br />
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Here are how the scores look when I enter them in the spreadsheet.<br />
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Once entered, I take the total scores for each contestant and graph them by judge on a line graph.<br />
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It's clear to see that even though there is variance between the judges, the scores basically move in tandem on the graph.<br />
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There are other ways I look at the scores as well, but I don't want to bore anyone with my love of analyzing statistics! Just keep these 2 things in mind when you get your scores in the coming days and weeks. Everyone did an amazing job at nationals! And although most of what I do is done behind the scenes, please rest assured that I am vigilant with these scores to ensure that each year is a fair competition!<br />
<br />stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2939150181531897520.post-43358024574947942062012-06-28T15:59:00.000-05:002012-06-28T15:59:42.212-05:00.....Showing Yourself Friendly?To have friends, you must show yourself friendly.<br />
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I believe this with my whole heart and I do my best to uphold this tenant in my life. But much like my issue with <a href="http://starshapedwords.blogspot.com/2012/01/do-unto-others.html" target="_blank">The Golden Rule</a>, I have been struggling with why I should continue to be friendly to one who clearly ISN'T <i><b>being </b></i>friendly.<br />
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Frankly, I don't see the need at all. <br />
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Over the past 3 years my life has been reshaped and bears little resemblance to the life I had before those changes. During tough times, one learns who are genuine friends and sees more clearly those who are of the fair-weather variety. Those are the times it is difficult to know when one should continue to show friendliness and when one should look at the lack of friendliness which has (or hasn't in this case) been extended and decide to cut one's losses and simply walk away.<br />
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I have learned one very important lesson through all the changes and finally walking away from the Unavailables. <b>I don't need any boomerangs in my life</b>.<br />
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To the longtime friend who chose to show herself "friendly" by deleting and blocking me on Facebook without anything bad transpiring between us: I will consider this your way of telling me you no longer want to be friends. I wish you well and thank you for deleting me so I don't have to waste any more effort than this blog. <br />
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And that's all I have to say about that.stargurrl13http://www.blogger.com/profile/16469635012547084667noreply@blogger.com1