I've tried many times to write about my Poppy since he passed away but nothing ever seemed quite right about the posts. It was either too emotional, not the right time or simply too difficult to finish the post. This is my 3rd Father's Day without him and I'm feeling like all the stars are aligning and an actual post might happen this time. I guess if you're reading this, it did! :)
I don't know if I could ever explain why I'm such a daddy's girl but I suspect I was from the very start because I can't remember a time when I wasn't. Even before my first memories of him, my Lovey Mom tells stories of him holding me as a toddler after he got home from work and she would admonish him not to give my fat, baby cheeks a whisker burn from kissing me and loving on me. Even after working a long shift he didn't mind giving me the attention my toddler self demanded. I know he was the first man I ever loved (and one of the only) and I know this was probably one of the reasons I announced at 4 years old that I was going to marry him. But, I don't want to get ahead of myself and the blog I want to write about him.
My Poppy was a family man to his core and his entire life was spent taking care of us and showing us how much we were loved. A dear friend of mine astutely understood my close relationship with my Poppy and would often inquire about him. Once he asked, "What kind of a guy does your dad see you with?" I quickly said, "A democrat." Thinking I was joking around he said, "I'm serious!" to which I responded, "So am I!" I was only half joking but politics was just one of the many things my Poppy and I were in almost complete agreement about. For years my Poppy would call and remind me about elections and to make sure I remembered to vote. I will be thinking of him this coming Tuesday as I make my way to exercise my right to vote in my state's primary election.
My Poppy couldn't stand to see any of us unhappy or hurt. Although he could gruffly bark orders and get our attention to get us back in line and behaving, he had NO stomach for discipline that would make us cry. That was left to my mother and when we were younger, our belief was that she was doing it to save us from his harsher punishment. As an adult, I smile to myself knowing the truth of his very tender heart.
As an infant/toddler/child, I was severely pigeon-toed and after being accepted as a patient at the Shriner's Children's Hospital, he was the parent who would make the trips with me up to St Louis to see my doctor while my mother stayed home with my siblings. For the first 5 years after I started to walk, I wore hip-to-toe leg braces all day and slept in a night splint (that's a pair of shoes with toes pointed "out" affixed to a metal bar to hold them in place). My memories of the braces and splint are vague and few considering how long I wore them but I have wonderfully vivid and fond memories of all the time spent traveling with him to my appointments.
When my sister and I were 5 and 6 years old, there was a big winter snow and we were so excited to build a snowman and we kept begging my Poppy to take us out to build one. In his wise and loving way, he knew after bundling us up and venturing out, we'd probably be cold and wet and ready to go back inside within 10 minutes so he drew open the curtains of the big, picture window in the living room and we sat in our warm pajamas with hot cocoa as we watched him build a snowman for us. He always had a way of anticipating the best way to care for us and I was never in doubt of his love.
I learned to skate when I was 4 years old and throughout my childhood, we had private access to our neighborhood rink because my father made arrangements with the owners to clean the rink on Sunday nights. No other kid I knew had a weekly, private skate session through the years of their childhood. By the time I was in junior high, my Poppy and I would still have a weekly skate outing while he was president of American Airlines employee's activity association. It wasn't a private session, but skating was something he always arranged and encouraged throughout my entire youth. My current pair of skates are the pair he had custom made for me as a Christmas gift when I was in the 7th grade.
Every summer of my elementary school years, my father
would sign me up for a summer reading club where I would get monthly
shipments of books in the mail. Although he wasn't an avid reader, he always wished that he had been a better student and he felt that reading was a major building block to becoming an excellent student and he always encouraged me in my education.
He always knew the prefect gift to give and I think I inherited that ability from him.
I learned to drive in an era before cell phones and he made sure I could change a tire by myself in less than 10 minutes and taught me to drive on snow and ice in a deserted parking lot the first big snow after learning to drive. He was always there to take care of me but also wanted to make sure I could take care of myself without having to depend on someone else when he wasn't around. I can remember his advice about luggage as I prepared for a summer trip. He said, "You can't always count on someone like me being there to carry your bag, so if you can't lift it by yourself, you've packed too much."Such valuable advice that I heed to this day.
After my sister, Melissa, got married my mother told me that they were getting ready for bed after the long day of the ceremony and she heard my Poppy let out a big sigh as he was removing his shoes and socks. She turned to see him sitting on the end of their bed and she asked him what was wrong and he said, "I think if Heather ever gets married it might kill me." To this day I'm not sure if he meant the stress of another wedding or having to give away his baby girl. Turns out he needn't have worried. He never did have to give me away to anyone.
My Poppy loved music and always wished he could sing. Well, he did sing but not like he wanted. I loved how he would sing to me when it was just he and I. He would just sing non-sensical things in a sing-song voice. I do it now when I am alone with my Noel. On my 30th birthday he called me and I answered the phone to him singing "Happy Birthday" to me. After he was finished he said, "I'm way too young to have a child who is 30!" Never mind that I was his THIRD child to turn 30!
Oh, how I loved that man!
It's things like these that prompted my astute friend to say to me one time, "You don't need anyone to take care of you, do you? Besides.....you have your dad."
Oh, how I miss that man!
My life is filled with a million ways he cared for us and loved us but these are some of the most precious that have been on my mind so much since he left us. I will never stop missing him but I'm so very grateful for all of the wonderful memories that I have to sustain me.
Happy Father's day, Poppy Bear. I love you!
XOXO,
"Heavy"
Showing posts with label Pepe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pepe. Show all posts
Sunday, June 17, 2018
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
This is Bananas; B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
Next Sunday is Father's Day and I am NOT looking forward to it. I know avoiding the card and gift displays in all of the stores and cocooning myself away for that day will not make the sadness of missing my Poppy go away but it is what it is. On top of the looming holiday, the news of two prominent public figures who committed suicide have me wallowing in my own thoughts of sadness while trying to make myself talk about it.
The last thing I really want to do is talk about it........for so many reasons but mainly because I feel it makes me sound like a whiny baby that needs to shut up. So I've been struggling with my own depression and feelings and this blog is what has slowly emerged. Hopefully it won't seem as scattered as it feels in my head but if I'm going to help destroy the stigma of mental health issues, I need to rip the virtual band-aid off of my own.
Depression is no joke and it's even worse for a (formerly?) Eternal Optimist.
I seriously used to think that I wasn't capable of being depressed and for most of my life it was, by-in-large, the truth. I wrote often of my Happy List and about happiness being a choice and I really hope that one day I will wholeheartedly believe that again. [Even now I feel a bit of optimism trying to percolate from the depths and that gives credence to my hope!]
I have good days and bad days. At the moment, the bad days are winning when stacked against the good but I try to remember that there have been good days and there will be more....no matter how much I'm hurting in this current moment. It's the current moments that are the problem. They are dark and dreary and good at convincing me of things I KNOW are not true.
Things like this:
I am alone, I am unwanted, I am unloved and the only way to make the pain stop is to cease to exist.
Like I said.....I know these things are not true but in my darkness, that is how I feel. I'm doing my best to get through this but unfortunately, I cannot take anti-depressants because they make things worse for me.
Depression plus Acute Stress Disorder is BANANAS.
I'm still seeing my therapist and I'm making good progress, all things considered. The worst part is the uncontrollable rage that usually shows up when I'm dealing with extreme emotion. I have never been a mean person and have been a pacifist my entire life so when this has happened and I've found myself needing to apologize to a loved one, I feel like a total chump and feel like they think I'm using it as an excuse for bad behavior and that ends up just adding fuel to the fire of my depression.
There is no "cure" for PTDS, just managing it so I'm doing my best to learn as much as I can about it and to be open to the cues my therapist gives to help me manage the different situations as they have arisen. If you want to learn more about PTSD, you can read about it here.
One Hundred Times More Difficult
I thought the blog about my Acute Stress Disorder was the hardest to write and post, but this one feels 100 times harder to hit the publish button. I dread the onslaught of messages it's likely to precipitate and I don't want to scare my family and friends with my honesty about these feelings but I really feel the need to post this. You know what they say, "If I can help one person by posting this it will be worth it". And, quite honestly, I'm not sure if the person it might help could possibly be me.
It's impossible to know what someone might be dealing with silently and alone so be kind to others, check on friends or reach out for help if you feel you need it.
[Friends: PLEASE DON'T FREAK OUT.....I'm going to be fine. There's still a silver lining and I'll be optimistic, all the time, again some day.]
The last thing I really want to do is talk about it........for so many reasons but mainly because I feel it makes me sound like a whiny baby that needs to shut up. So I've been struggling with my own depression and feelings and this blog is what has slowly emerged. Hopefully it won't seem as scattered as it feels in my head but if I'm going to help destroy the stigma of mental health issues, I need to rip the virtual band-aid off of my own.
Depression is no joke and it's even worse for a (formerly?) Eternal Optimist.
I seriously used to think that I wasn't capable of being depressed and for most of my life it was, by-in-large, the truth. I wrote often of my Happy List and about happiness being a choice and I really hope that one day I will wholeheartedly believe that again. [Even now I feel a bit of optimism trying to percolate from the depths and that gives credence to my hope!]
I have good days and bad days. At the moment, the bad days are winning when stacked against the good but I try to remember that there have been good days and there will be more....no matter how much I'm hurting in this current moment. It's the current moments that are the problem. They are dark and dreary and good at convincing me of things I KNOW are not true.
Things like this:
I am alone, I am unwanted, I am unloved and the only way to make the pain stop is to cease to exist.
Like I said.....I know these things are not true but in my darkness, that is how I feel. I'm doing my best to get through this but unfortunately, I cannot take anti-depressants because they make things worse for me.
Depression plus Acute Stress Disorder is BANANAS.
I'm still seeing my therapist and I'm making good progress, all things considered. The worst part is the uncontrollable rage that usually shows up when I'm dealing with extreme emotion. I have never been a mean person and have been a pacifist my entire life so when this has happened and I've found myself needing to apologize to a loved one, I feel like a total chump and feel like they think I'm using it as an excuse for bad behavior and that ends up just adding fuel to the fire of my depression.
There is no "cure" for PTDS, just managing it so I'm doing my best to learn as much as I can about it and to be open to the cues my therapist gives to help me manage the different situations as they have arisen. If you want to learn more about PTSD, you can read about it here.
One Hundred Times More Difficult
I thought the blog about my Acute Stress Disorder was the hardest to write and post, but this one feels 100 times harder to hit the publish button. I dread the onslaught of messages it's likely to precipitate and I don't want to scare my family and friends with my honesty about these feelings but I really feel the need to post this. You know what they say, "If I can help one person by posting this it will be worth it". And, quite honestly, I'm not sure if the person it might help could possibly be me.
It's impossible to know what someone might be dealing with silently and alone so be kind to others, check on friends or reach out for help if you feel you need it.
[Friends: PLEASE DON'T FREAK OUT.....I'm going to be fine. There's still a silver lining and I'll be optimistic, all the time, again some day.]
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
February 2018: an arrow through my heart
I started writing/keeping a journal when I was 12 years old. Through my college years, I would write almost daily. I think it helped me work through things on my own without seeming like those much reviled psycho-chicks I've written about over the years. My writing started tapering off about a decade ago but dropped abruptly to almost none when I moved back to my hometown at the start of 2012. As a part of my treatment, my therapist has encouraged me to start writing again and to go back and read old writing when I feel I can.
I'm not sure if keeping a journal is partially responsible for this, but I have an uncanny knack for remembering names and dates. This is especially helpful for things like history tests or 12 nieces and nephews' birthdays. It can be helpful for remembering significant events or it can make me seem like a fount of useless information. Currently, it's an arrow to my heart as February brings a few memories that are stirring lots of emotions. Some are good, some are sad but they all make me determined to remain on my current path.
February 4th will be 2 years since my Poppy left this world. He was my first love, my anchor, my biggest fan and the best provider for his family and the hole left by his absence is huge. I will get past this day and will likely shed a few tears but I have nothing but wonderful memories to comfort me and remind me that my life goes on.
The next thing that February brings is an avalanche of memories with Pepe. Although I have written about him before, I rarely write about any specific details or memories because I like to keep that all to myself. I'm making an exception now because of several things which have him at the forefront of my thoughts lately. Unfortunately, he was on the receiving end of some of my worst panic attacks before I knew about my ASD (acute stress disorder). We've been friends for almost 17 years and I've always been neurotic and insecure about lags in communication with him. For nearly 2 decades he has patiently and kindly reassured me and I have bridged the gaps of flakiness because that's the yin and yang of our friendship. My preoccupation with my jacked up emotions has severely disrupted the balance we've always had and I feel I haven't been there for a friend when he has needed one most.
Most of the February memories with Pepe are from 16 years ago.....still within the first year of our association. After 10 months of unemployment and countless resumes having been sent, he had a series of interviews that finally resulted in a job offer on Feb 7th or 8th of 2002. We were supposed to go to dinner to celebrate but we ended up staying in and watching the opening ceremony of the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics. The night was significant in many ways and I remember it each February without any fanfare but this year, as he is so heavily on my mind and it is also a winter Olympic year, it seems those memories from 16 years ago are on repeat in my mind. I doubt he remembers the date specifics, but I know he remembers the events. I hope the memories are as good for him as they are for me.
The last Pepe memory that February brings is from 2009. The 13th was on a Friday and everyone knows how much I love Friday the 13th. I was sitting at the Red Rooster with my friend, Amy, and it was just before midnight and he sent me a text that just said, "Happy Valentine's Day". This isn't significant because of the message, but just the sentiment. In all the years I've known him, he has never said (either verbally or written) so much as a happy birthday, a merry Christmas, happy St Pat's, etc....to me. Nothing. Except that one Friday the 13th in 2009. It wasn't meant as a gesture of love because that's not how he and I are, but it is a memory that I love all the same.
February will be bittersweet but I'm so very thankful it is full of memories of 2 men (My Poppy and Pepe) who are so similar in their demeanor and personality and not memories of silly, insignificant people who have made guest appearances throughout the Februarys of my life.
I'm not sure if keeping a journal is partially responsible for this, but I have an uncanny knack for remembering names and dates. This is especially helpful for things like history tests or 12 nieces and nephews' birthdays. It can be helpful for remembering significant events or it can make me seem like a fount of useless information. Currently, it's an arrow to my heart as February brings a few memories that are stirring lots of emotions. Some are good, some are sad but they all make me determined to remain on my current path.
February 4th will be 2 years since my Poppy left this world. He was my first love, my anchor, my biggest fan and the best provider for his family and the hole left by his absence is huge. I will get past this day and will likely shed a few tears but I have nothing but wonderful memories to comfort me and remind me that my life goes on.
The next thing that February brings is an avalanche of memories with Pepe. Although I have written about him before, I rarely write about any specific details or memories because I like to keep that all to myself. I'm making an exception now because of several things which have him at the forefront of my thoughts lately. Unfortunately, he was on the receiving end of some of my worst panic attacks before I knew about my ASD (acute stress disorder). We've been friends for almost 17 years and I've always been neurotic and insecure about lags in communication with him. For nearly 2 decades he has patiently and kindly reassured me and I have bridged the gaps of flakiness because that's the yin and yang of our friendship. My preoccupation with my jacked up emotions has severely disrupted the balance we've always had and I feel I haven't been there for a friend when he has needed one most.
Most of the February memories with Pepe are from 16 years ago.....still within the first year of our association. After 10 months of unemployment and countless resumes having been sent, he had a series of interviews that finally resulted in a job offer on Feb 7th or 8th of 2002. We were supposed to go to dinner to celebrate but we ended up staying in and watching the opening ceremony of the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics. The night was significant in many ways and I remember it each February without any fanfare but this year, as he is so heavily on my mind and it is also a winter Olympic year, it seems those memories from 16 years ago are on repeat in my mind. I doubt he remembers the date specifics, but I know he remembers the events. I hope the memories are as good for him as they are for me.
The last Pepe memory that February brings is from 2009. The 13th was on a Friday and everyone knows how much I love Friday the 13th. I was sitting at the Red Rooster with my friend, Amy, and it was just before midnight and he sent me a text that just said, "Happy Valentine's Day". This isn't significant because of the message, but just the sentiment. In all the years I've known him, he has never said (either verbally or written) so much as a happy birthday, a merry Christmas, happy St Pat's, etc....to me. Nothing. Except that one Friday the 13th in 2009. It wasn't meant as a gesture of love because that's not how he and I are, but it is a memory that I love all the same.
February will be bittersweet but I'm so very thankful it is full of memories of 2 men (My Poppy and Pepe) who are so similar in their demeanor and personality and not memories of silly, insignificant people who have made guest appearances throughout the Februarys of my life.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Computer Archives: The 21st Century Breakup Box
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" George Santayana
I spent a good portion of my weekend reading through archived emails, messages, IMs and texts from a few past boyfriends. Maybe I'm the only one who keeps correspondence anymore, but just because there are no hard-copy notes and letters these days doesn't mean there isn't a digital version of the stack of letters bound by a ribbon at the end of a relationship.
For the most part, I forget this correspondence is there, but it's good to know I can revisit these things if I ever feel the need. This past week, I've been pushed in the direction of my virtual breakup boxes and have blown the dust (some dustier than others) off the lids and started reading.
I won't lie. Much of it was torturous. But, it was also nice to see that there were plenty of good times worth remembering. And, although it shouldn't have been surprising to me, I was shocked to see such a distinct pattern to the flow of things with Pepe, Sugar D and Baby Boy. It's true that there are times one can't see the forest for the trees and the past 15 years have been dark times in the forbidden forest for me!
But, for as much torture as it was to read through the correspondence, it was equally liberating. Things have changed and I'm on a clear path. It's one that makes me happier than I've been in years and one that I prefer to keep mostly to myself because I'm selfish and I refuse to share it with anyone else. I've sealed the archives once again, but it's good to know they are there so I won't keep repeating the past.
I spent a good portion of my weekend reading through archived emails, messages, IMs and texts from a few past boyfriends. Maybe I'm the only one who keeps correspondence anymore, but just because there are no hard-copy notes and letters these days doesn't mean there isn't a digital version of the stack of letters bound by a ribbon at the end of a relationship.
For the most part, I forget this correspondence is there, but it's good to know I can revisit these things if I ever feel the need. This past week, I've been pushed in the direction of my virtual breakup boxes and have blown the dust (some dustier than others) off the lids and started reading.
I won't lie. Much of it was torturous. But, it was also nice to see that there were plenty of good times worth remembering. And, although it shouldn't have been surprising to me, I was shocked to see such a distinct pattern to the flow of things with Pepe, Sugar D and Baby Boy. It's true that there are times one can't see the forest for the trees and the past 15 years have been dark times in the forbidden forest for me!
But, for as much torture as it was to read through the correspondence, it was equally liberating. Things have changed and I'm on a clear path. It's one that makes me happier than I've been in years and one that I prefer to keep mostly to myself because I'm selfish and I refuse to share it with anyone else. I've sealed the archives once again, but it's good to know they are there so I won't keep repeating the past.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Things I've Learned
As my 40th birthday is looming, I've been contemplating how to blog about this impending event. Turning 40 is something I've been anticipating, looking forward to even, since I was 5 years old. I'm not freaked out by the number as an age because I simply don't feel old. In fact, sometimes I feel downright childish! But instead of writing about any of that, I want to write about some things I've learned about myself over the last 5 years. Some of them I may have blogged about, but all are very fresh in my mind and relevant as I approach the milestone of turning 40.
Things I've Learned
Choosing to be happy- My mother was right! Life is what you make it and happiness is a choice. Even when things seemed bleak, throughout it all, I have been happy!
The difference between wants and needs- There are very few things in life which are necessities...everything else is just gravy!
Having a job I love is worth more than any paycheck- Life is too short to mess with a job I dread going to everyday.
Making pathways through emotional walls and allowing myself to be emotionally accessible- This one is fairly new and still a bit scary, but I'm learning and getting better about this each day.
My decade with Pepe wasn't wasted- It taught me the importance of the truth listed right above this one!
My parents are the best parents in the universe- Hands down, I know this is the truth. I'm thankful everyday for the unconditional love they always give me.
My friends are like family- Blood may be thicker than water, but I have the most amazing friends.
I have a novel in me that is a story worth writing- It may take another year to finish it, but I like the story I'm telling and I think there are some who will find it entertaining and enjoyable.
I can only be myself- Okay, I've known this for many years but it's just as true today. Being myself is the only thing I'm really good at.......and I like that just fine!
All-in-all, I'm in a good place as I prepare to start a new decade in my life. I want to live better, give more freely and love more deeply. I guess it helps to be an eternal optimist when looking hopefully into the face of the future, but since Life is what I make it, things will be great!
Things I've Learned
Choosing to be happy- My mother was right! Life is what you make it and happiness is a choice. Even when things seemed bleak, throughout it all, I have been happy!
The difference between wants and needs- There are very few things in life which are necessities...everything else is just gravy!
Having a job I love is worth more than any paycheck- Life is too short to mess with a job I dread going to everyday.
Making pathways through emotional walls and allowing myself to be emotionally accessible- This one is fairly new and still a bit scary, but I'm learning and getting better about this each day.
My decade with Pepe wasn't wasted- It taught me the importance of the truth listed right above this one!
My parents are the best parents in the universe- Hands down, I know this is the truth. I'm thankful everyday for the unconditional love they always give me.
My friends are like family- Blood may be thicker than water, but I have the most amazing friends.
I have a novel in me that is a story worth writing- It may take another year to finish it, but I like the story I'm telling and I think there are some who will find it entertaining and enjoyable.
I can only be myself- Okay, I've known this for many years but it's just as true today. Being myself is the only thing I'm really good at.......and I like that just fine!
All-in-all, I'm in a good place as I prepare to start a new decade in my life. I want to live better, give more freely and love more deeply. I guess it helps to be an eternal optimist when looking hopefully into the face of the future, but since Life is what I make it, things will be great!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
A Lost Cause?
This is a difficult blog to write and post, but I need to get it off my chest. So I unburden myself to the blogosphere and any who care to read it.
One of the hazards of 10+ years of associating with unavailables is starting to become painfully aware to me. I'm a master at compartmentalizing- especially emotions. After breaking ties with Pepe, I'm determined not to head down that path again.
The trick is figuring out how to do that.
I'd like to say the problem is that I've forgotten how to invest emotion, but that's far from the truth. It's actually like riding a bike.....much to my surprise. And I find that although my heart didn't get bumped or bruised much when it was tucked away in it's padded compartment, it also hasn't had a chance to gain a thicker skin.
Caring about someone is painful.
Don't misunderstand, no one is treating me badly. It's just very new territory for me and as a Virgo who hates the unknown, every 10 minutes I want to throw in the towel and retreat to what I know. But then I take a deep breath, sometimes wipe a tear from my eye and remind myself of something I know beyond all doubt.
I want to take a different path. This path.
It scares the shit out of me and I'm feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable every five minutes it seems but I'm forging ahead. I know I'll find my balance, but in the meantime, I hope I don't come off as being too needy or seeming like a pest.
Am I a lost cause? Thankfully, not yet.
One of the hazards of 10+ years of associating with unavailables is starting to become painfully aware to me. I'm a master at compartmentalizing- especially emotions. After breaking ties with Pepe, I'm determined not to head down that path again.
The trick is figuring out how to do that.
I'd like to say the problem is that I've forgotten how to invest emotion, but that's far from the truth. It's actually like riding a bike.....much to my surprise. And I find that although my heart didn't get bumped or bruised much when it was tucked away in it's padded compartment, it also hasn't had a chance to gain a thicker skin.
Caring about someone is painful.
Don't misunderstand, no one is treating me badly. It's just very new territory for me and as a Virgo who hates the unknown, every 10 minutes I want to throw in the towel and retreat to what I know. But then I take a deep breath, sometimes wipe a tear from my eye and remind myself of something I know beyond all doubt.
I want to take a different path. This path.
It scares the shit out of me and I'm feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable every five minutes it seems but I'm forging ahead. I know I'll find my balance, but in the meantime, I hope I don't come off as being too needy or seeming like a pest.
Am I a lost cause? Thankfully, not yet.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sorry You're Uncomfortable: Language Should be Deliberate
As a life-long, avid reader I am partial to words and vocabulary. Pair that with my keen intuition and you'll have a road map to most of my relationships. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I've intuited the uneasiness of a partner/friend/colleague and took the initiative and bypassed the uncomfortable conversation they were dreading. In short, I give an easy way out because I know how to be very deliberate with my language.
I feel everyone could and should be more deliberate with the language we use. I've written about my struggle to use the words "want" and "need" correctly. Those words are not synonymous and "need" is used far too often in place of "want".
But, I digress. What has my ire up is an unexpected "poke" I received notice of via Facebook. If you and I haven't communicated in 5 months, "poking" me on Facebook isn't going to open back up the lines of communication between us. I know I could make it easy, more hospitable even, if I would just "poke" you back, but after a decade of making every situation between you and I easy for YOU, I'm drawing another line. Where we stand is a direct result of the choices YOU made, so if you want to communicate with me, you must address some of these issues.
Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. It's your turn to bridge the gap.
I feel everyone could and should be more deliberate with the language we use. I've written about my struggle to use the words "want" and "need" correctly. Those words are not synonymous and "need" is used far too often in place of "want".
But, I digress. What has my ire up is an unexpected "poke" I received notice of via Facebook. If you and I haven't communicated in 5 months, "poking" me on Facebook isn't going to open back up the lines of communication between us. I know I could make it easy, more hospitable even, if I would just "poke" you back, but after a decade of making every situation between you and I easy for YOU, I'm drawing another line. Where we stand is a direct result of the choices YOU made, so if you want to communicate with me, you must address some of these issues.
Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. It's your turn to bridge the gap.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Out Like a Lamb
March 22nd would have been the 10 year milestone for me and Pepe. The day came and went without any fanfare or even a mention of him from me. To be quite honest, I really wasn't sure how that day would be or how I wanted to approach it. Mostly I was scared I would cave and at least send an e-mail acknowledging the significance of the day. It's difficult to look at something that is basically a failure and not feel badly about it. [And for me, it's the the most substantial "something" I've ever had the willingness to commit to for such a length of time.] Now that it's 2 weeks behind me, I'm able to reflect and try and gain some perspective.
This morning, a text exchange with a friend made me think of something I'd written long ago about Pepe. I figured it was in a blog written about the night we met so I hit my blog archives in search of those words which were a tiny flicker in my memory.
I read back over 5 years of blogs written on or about March 22nd trying to remember how I felt and why I felt it, but I couldn't find the passage I was looking for. After reading more old blogs than I cared to read today, I finally ran across a short paragraph written in a blog near Thanksgiving 2007 which contained what I'd been looking for. As I re-read the short paragraph it made me smile, feel at peace about the past and helped me NOT to feel as though I wasted a decade of my life waiting for something which would never happen.
I'm not sure it will ever be possible for Pepe and I to actually be friends.....I mean the kind of friends who will keep in touch and talk from time to time, but I will always think fondly of our near decade. With that, I leave you with the words I wrote about him in 2007.
[taken from a list of things for which I was thankful]
Pepe- I don't want to get sappy, but he is the reason I don't hate men. He came into my life when I was in a very dark place and totally changed my outlook. The wonderful part is that he wasn't even trying to do that……I will be indebted to him forever and I love him for being who he is. He is very special to me. I'm also thankful that he's so understanding of my neurotic ways!
This morning, a text exchange with a friend made me think of something I'd written long ago about Pepe. I figured it was in a blog written about the night we met so I hit my blog archives in search of those words which were a tiny flicker in my memory.
I read back over 5 years of blogs written on or about March 22nd trying to remember how I felt and why I felt it, but I couldn't find the passage I was looking for. After reading more old blogs than I cared to read today, I finally ran across a short paragraph written in a blog near Thanksgiving 2007 which contained what I'd been looking for. As I re-read the short paragraph it made me smile, feel at peace about the past and helped me NOT to feel as though I wasted a decade of my life waiting for something which would never happen.
I'm not sure it will ever be possible for Pepe and I to actually be friends.....I mean the kind of friends who will keep in touch and talk from time to time, but I will always think fondly of our near decade. With that, I leave you with the words I wrote about him in 2007.
[taken from a list of things for which I was thankful]
Pepe- I don't want to get sappy, but he is the reason I don't hate men. He came into my life when I was in a very dark place and totally changed my outlook. The wonderful part is that he wasn't even trying to do that……I will be indebted to him forever and I love him for being who he is. He is very special to me. I'm also thankful that he's so understanding of my neurotic ways!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
A Time for Everything
It's no secret about the recurring theme which Unavailable Men have played in my life. I've started a project which has me spending some time immersed in memories and I've realized some interesting things only time spent as the "other woman" can give one. Although my time as the second string has given me better insight, many of the things I've discovered apply to every type of relationship. Family, friends, romantic, etc.....
I can remember once, in frustration, telling Pepe he needed to choose time with me when it was difficult to make happen. I didn't need him to do that every time, but I needed him to choose me, just once in awhile, so I could see my importance. For the record, he would do that. There were many times he chose to go with me when it could very well have made his life difficult when dealing with the girl who didn't know of my existence. Once we got beyond year 7, that began to change with us.....at least HE began to change. My importance began to wane.
The hard and honest truth is this. We make time for things which are important to us. It still makes me a bit sad to think I lost my importance with him, but often times the truth is painful. Rejection is never easy so I try to keep this in mind when dealing with those in my life. There are times when I really don't feel like talking on the phone, going out for a drink or attending a party but I'll do these things anyway. There are people who are important enough to MAKE the time to spend with them.
Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but I've been mulling this over for about 3 years and I keep coming back to that same, simple truth. I'll say it again. We make the time for the things/people which are important to us. Think about it.
I can remember once, in frustration, telling Pepe he needed to choose time with me when it was difficult to make happen. I didn't need him to do that every time, but I needed him to choose me, just once in awhile, so I could see my importance. For the record, he would do that. There were many times he chose to go with me when it could very well have made his life difficult when dealing with the girl who didn't know of my existence. Once we got beyond year 7, that began to change with us.....at least HE began to change. My importance began to wane.
The hard and honest truth is this. We make time for things which are important to us. It still makes me a bit sad to think I lost my importance with him, but often times the truth is painful. Rejection is never easy so I try to keep this in mind when dealing with those in my life. There are times when I really don't feel like talking on the phone, going out for a drink or attending a party but I'll do these things anyway. There are people who are important enough to MAKE the time to spend with them.
Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but I've been mulling this over for about 3 years and I keep coming back to that same, simple truth. I'll say it again. We make the time for the things/people which are important to us. Think about it.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
It's a Fine Line
Lately I feel like I've lost my self identity. Maybe "lately" is a bit understated since I spent the better part of the last 10 years making adjustments to how I act and what I say so others feel comfortable and safe. And to be honest, I think that's a good thing to do, but at what point does it become too much? Where does one draw the line?
There's a fine line which separates the two extremes of everything. A fine line between love and hate, pleasure and pain, good and evil.......there's also a fine line between being true to one's self and being selfish. This one has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks and I'm trying to find the correct balance between the two. After all, isn't that what the fine line is; the balance one should strive to find? However, finding that balance and walking that fine line are often easier said than done.
Why should I feel selfish when I feel I've reached my tipping point when it comes to this fine line balance? The only thing I'm really good at is being myself and if I don't have that, it's very disconcerting. I'm not sure this is something I could even change since I've been doing it so long, but at least with the thought germinating in the back of my mind, I might be able to make it a bit more balanced.
There's a fine line which separates the two extremes of everything. A fine line between love and hate, pleasure and pain, good and evil.......there's also a fine line between being true to one's self and being selfish. This one has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks and I'm trying to find the correct balance between the two. After all, isn't that what the fine line is; the balance one should strive to find? However, finding that balance and walking that fine line are often easier said than done.
Why should I feel selfish when I feel I've reached my tipping point when it comes to this fine line balance? The only thing I'm really good at is being myself and if I don't have that, it's very disconcerting. I'm not sure this is something I could even change since I've been doing it so long, but at least with the thought germinating in the back of my mind, I might be able to make it a bit more balanced.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
It Is Done
I've been going through some old writing and I found this "gem" which was written about Pepe almost a decade ago. It made me chuckle while reading it and I decided to share it (and the laughs).
It is done--
I threw caution to the wind
through a crack in the window!
Funny--
How quickly the wind died
and came the deathly calm and silence.
The peace I formerly craved
now envelopes me
and I am inconsolable.
My mind races--
desperate to recapture
what has moved away on the breeze
But, no matter how fast I go,
I can't seem to catch that Elusive Wind
which has carried my hopes away.
It is done--
I threw caution to the wind
through a crack in the window!
Funny--
How quickly the wind died
and came the deathly calm and silence.
The peace I formerly craved
now envelopes me
and I am inconsolable.
My mind races--
desperate to recapture
what has moved away on the breeze
But, no matter how fast I go,
I can't seem to catch that Elusive Wind
which has carried my hopes away.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I Took the Road Less Traveled (IMO)
A year ago I posted a blog about my "Psycho Girl Theory", a problem which has perplexed me for years. [follow the hyperlink to read my "theory"]
Because of my inability to manifest any incarnation of the "psycho girl" I felt there were instances (several, in fact) where I lost the guy. Don't get me wrong.......deep down, I really believe if a man is capable of caving in the face of histrionics (or incapable of resiting it), he's NOT the man for me.
It is with extreme tentativeness I write this blog but, [drum roll, please] after almost 9 years of taking the high road, minding my p's and q's and conducting myself in a manner in which I can always look myself in the mirror and know I was true to what I believe to my very core.......brace yourselves.......it appears I have beaten the psycho girl.
Despite all the distractions (ahem....other men) which have entered my life in the last 18 months, I found myself returning to one I never intended to see after the night we met. Almost 9 years later and I really, really can't ignore the easy, comfortable connection I have with this man.
I'm not sure what the future holds for me where he is concerned, but for the first time, I feel like I have a chance. And, although I can't fake some sort of infantile fit to secure a man's affections, I have learned to not be so passive with revealing my feelings.
So.....here it is for the blogosphere: I really, really like this man and want him to be in my life as long as possible. Sorry, if you were expecting a declaration of love. I do love him in many ways, but prefer to keep those revelations between he and I.....he's just that important to me and I've been wrong to not freely admit it.
WHEW! I feel much better now with the record having been set straight! If anyone is interested in my Soul Mate Theory, you can read about it HERE
Because of my inability to manifest any incarnation of the "psycho girl" I felt there were instances (several, in fact) where I lost the guy. Don't get me wrong.......deep down, I really believe if a man is capable of caving in the face of histrionics (or incapable of resiting it), he's NOT the man for me.
It is with extreme tentativeness I write this blog but, [drum roll, please] after almost 9 years of taking the high road, minding my p's and q's and conducting myself in a manner in which I can always look myself in the mirror and know I was true to what I believe to my very core.......brace yourselves.......it appears I have beaten the psycho girl.
Despite all the distractions (ahem....other men) which have entered my life in the last 18 months, I found myself returning to one I never intended to see after the night we met. Almost 9 years later and I really, really can't ignore the easy, comfortable connection I have with this man.
I'm not sure what the future holds for me where he is concerned, but for the first time, I feel like I have a chance. And, although I can't fake some sort of infantile fit to secure a man's affections, I have learned to not be so passive with revealing my feelings.
So.....here it is for the blogosphere: I really, really like this man and want him to be in my life as long as possible. Sorry, if you were expecting a declaration of love. I do love him in many ways, but prefer to keep those revelations between he and I.....he's just that important to me and I've been wrong to not freely admit it.
WHEW! I feel much better now with the record having been set straight! If anyone is interested in my Soul Mate Theory, you can read about it HERE
Friday, October 2, 2009
What I know to be Certain
I've been going through a lot of transition over the past year and a half. I don't for an instant think it's over, but at least the majority of it is.
Someday I'll write about what I call the "Pendulum Effect" which always happens when one decides to make changes in one's life. I've written a lot about my non-traditional views on relationships and about how I was making some changes in that area and I've also written about my concerns that my non-traditional views are so ingrained in my being I wouldn't be able to make the changes. I have spent the last year, and more specifically, the last 6 months on a totally different path and I've learned a lot about what I want and what I know to be true and certain.
I'd rather be wanted than needed.
I'd rather be loved than tolerated.
I'd rather know the painful truth than to be placated.
I'd rather walk away from someone I like than to be in something one-sided.
Maybe my virgo ways make me too analytical, but if I've learned anything it's that I have to be true to myself. I learned many, many years ago that I can't live my life to make someone else happy. Life is all about the choices we make and I'm choosing to follow my heart, regardless of how unconventional that path may be.
As I've said before, the Starlight Manifesto covers it all:
It is what it is;
We are what we are;
I can only by myself
Someday I'll write about what I call the "Pendulum Effect" which always happens when one decides to make changes in one's life. I've written a lot about my non-traditional views on relationships and about how I was making some changes in that area and I've also written about my concerns that my non-traditional views are so ingrained in my being I wouldn't be able to make the changes. I have spent the last year, and more specifically, the last 6 months on a totally different path and I've learned a lot about what I want and what I know to be true and certain.
I'd rather be wanted than needed.
I'd rather be loved than tolerated.
I'd rather know the painful truth than to be placated.
I'd rather walk away from someone I like than to be in something one-sided.
Maybe my virgo ways make me too analytical, but if I've learned anything it's that I have to be true to myself. I learned many, many years ago that I can't live my life to make someone else happy. Life is all about the choices we make and I'm choosing to follow my heart, regardless of how unconventional that path may be.
As I've said before, the Starlight Manifesto covers it all:
It is what it is;
We are what we are;
I can only by myself
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The Bottom of my Heart
Last week was a stressful one for me......mostly just trying to get through a challenging year of TQ regionals, but mixed in with that was having to deal with two "ghosts of boyfriends past" (as I like to call them). Mainly, Pepe. I haven't had any contact with him since the end of May (which is a long time for he and I to go without at least e-mailing) and I hadn't been missing him at all which makes me know I've finally gotten over him........mostly.
The poem I'm posting is actually one I wrote when I was about 15........and then I changed the final lines when I was in college. I can't remember writing it about anyone in particular, but I must have..........I guess it just proves that time heals all wounds. Regardless, this little, silly, school girl poem just won't stay out of my head, so I'm trying to blog it out!
I thought that we were finished,
We said that we were through.
I tucked your memory away
and tried to start anew.
I went along my merry way
without another thought
but suddenly, your name comes up
and my heartbeat seems to stop.
Why-- (if I am over you
and all my wounds have healed)
why am I feeling lonely here?
What has my heart concealed?
So, I searched my heart completely,
down to the deepest part-
to find I'd only forgotten you
'til the bottom of my heart.
The poem I'm posting is actually one I wrote when I was about 15........and then I changed the final lines when I was in college. I can't remember writing it about anyone in particular, but I must have..........I guess it just proves that time heals all wounds. Regardless, this little, silly, school girl poem just won't stay out of my head, so I'm trying to blog it out!
I thought that we were finished,
We said that we were through.
I tucked your memory away
and tried to start anew.
I went along my merry way
without another thought
but suddenly, your name comes up
and my heartbeat seems to stop.
Why-- (if I am over you
and all my wounds have healed)
why am I feeling lonely here?
What has my heart concealed?
So, I searched my heart completely,
down to the deepest part-
to find I'd only forgotten you
'til the bottom of my heart.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Fatally Flawed?
My mother used to say, "There are girls you date and there are girls you marry". I knew what she was trying to convey, but I'm not talking about sex when I make the statement: I'm the girl one dates. I'm not even sure I'd ever want to marry, but I seriously wonder if it's just something about me which makes men pass me over for someone else. I've presented my theory on Psycho Girls and I thought for awhile the reason I kept losing the guy to some other girl was because I didn't have it in me to be the "psycho".......but there HAS to be at least one single man out there who doesn't want the theatrics and the drama!
I'll be the first to admit I'm fiercely independent and somewhat solitary BUT that only goes so far as an explanation. Maybe I'm being too generous with my assessment of my loner tendencies, but I don't feel it's so extreme to the point of my not being able to have a "normal" relationship. And yes.....I realize I'm notorious for attracting men who are unavailable because they have a girlfriend or even a fiancee, but I don't purposely seek out those who aren't available and I certainly don't have any special power that makes them attracted to me (not that I'm aware of anyway, but there's something about me they find appealing).
So I've been thinking a lot this past week about WHY I'm not the kind of girl it appears so many men want. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to figure it out but I have learned a lot about how my beliefs and desire for consistency affect my life.
I believe in predestination.......or destiny, fate.....whatever you want to call it. I feel a relationship (as with all things in life) will happen if it's meant to be. This is the sole reason I simply cannot be the Psycho Girl. If I have to resort to histrionics to "keep my man" it's just not right. If I have to manipulate a situation like that, I feel it's manufactured and unnatural. And, if I resort to those tactics once, in order to keep my man, will I have to do it every time? Isn't that type of behavior in direct contradiction with my beliefs and personal life philosophy?
But......at what point do I become the fatalist? Am I losing out because I fail to act at the crucial moment by declaring my feelings and making my wants known? There's a fine line and I struggle to find the balance and remain true to myself and what I believe. I can only be myself. I believe this with all my heart and soul and don't want to compromise.
This will likely be a struggle which will continue in my brain.....trying to reconcile both wants and needs with my personal beliefs.
But at the end of the day, regardless of my consistency, losing sucks..........and really hurts.
I'll be the first to admit I'm fiercely independent and somewhat solitary BUT that only goes so far as an explanation. Maybe I'm being too generous with my assessment of my loner tendencies, but I don't feel it's so extreme to the point of my not being able to have a "normal" relationship. And yes.....I realize I'm notorious for attracting men who are unavailable because they have a girlfriend or even a fiancee, but I don't purposely seek out those who aren't available and I certainly don't have any special power that makes them attracted to me (not that I'm aware of anyway, but there's something about me they find appealing).
So I've been thinking a lot this past week about WHY I'm not the kind of girl it appears so many men want. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to figure it out but I have learned a lot about how my beliefs and desire for consistency affect my life.
I believe in predestination.......or destiny, fate.....whatever you want to call it. I feel a relationship (as with all things in life) will happen if it's meant to be. This is the sole reason I simply cannot be the Psycho Girl. If I have to resort to histrionics to "keep my man" it's just not right. If I have to manipulate a situation like that, I feel it's manufactured and unnatural. And, if I resort to those tactics once, in order to keep my man, will I have to do it every time? Isn't that type of behavior in direct contradiction with my beliefs and personal life philosophy?
But......at what point do I become the fatalist? Am I losing out because I fail to act at the crucial moment by declaring my feelings and making my wants known? There's a fine line and I struggle to find the balance and remain true to myself and what I believe. I can only be myself. I believe this with all my heart and soul and don't want to compromise.
This will likely be a struggle which will continue in my brain.....trying to reconcile both wants and needs with my personal beliefs.
But at the end of the day, regardless of my consistency, losing sucks..........and really hurts.
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