It's hard to believe it has been 25 years since my friend left this earth. I think of her often, but more on this horrible anniversary than most days. For those who don't know about my friend, Becky, you can read about her here.
Many things have changed in the 4 years since I originally posted that blog, but the one that hasn't changed is my commitment to be as compassionate and understanding as my friend was. I have chosen to spend this day by filling it with random acts of kindness as I go throughout the day. The people receiving the kindness will never know why it was given, but somehow I feel my sweet Boo Boo Sister will know it and would have done the same if she were still here.
Things can change in an instant, so take some time to let those you love know how much they mean to you.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Friday, January 18, 2013
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Things I've Learned
As my 40th birthday is looming, I've been contemplating how to blog about this impending event. Turning 40 is something I've been anticipating, looking forward to even, since I was 5 years old. I'm not freaked out by the number as an age because I simply don't feel old. In fact, sometimes I feel downright childish! But instead of writing about any of that, I want to write about some things I've learned about myself over the last 5 years. Some of them I may have blogged about, but all are very fresh in my mind and relevant as I approach the milestone of turning 40.
Things I've Learned
Choosing to be happy- My mother was right! Life is what you make it and happiness is a choice. Even when things seemed bleak, throughout it all, I have been happy!
The difference between wants and needs- There are very few things in life which are necessities...everything else is just gravy!
Having a job I love is worth more than any paycheck- Life is too short to mess with a job I dread going to everyday.
Making pathways through emotional walls and allowing myself to be emotionally accessible- This one is fairly new and still a bit scary, but I'm learning and getting better about this each day.
My decade with Pepe wasn't wasted- It taught me the importance of the truth listed right above this one!
My parents are the best parents in the universe- Hands down, I know this is the truth. I'm thankful everyday for the unconditional love they always give me.
My friends are like family- Blood may be thicker than water, but I have the most amazing friends.
I have a novel in me that is a story worth writing- It may take another year to finish it, but I like the story I'm telling and I think there are some who will find it entertaining and enjoyable.
I can only be myself- Okay, I've known this for many years but it's just as true today. Being myself is the only thing I'm really good at.......and I like that just fine!
All-in-all, I'm in a good place as I prepare to start a new decade in my life. I want to live better, give more freely and love more deeply. I guess it helps to be an eternal optimist when looking hopefully into the face of the future, but since Life is what I make it, things will be great!
Things I've Learned
Choosing to be happy- My mother was right! Life is what you make it and happiness is a choice. Even when things seemed bleak, throughout it all, I have been happy!
The difference between wants and needs- There are very few things in life which are necessities...everything else is just gravy!
Having a job I love is worth more than any paycheck- Life is too short to mess with a job I dread going to everyday.
Making pathways through emotional walls and allowing myself to be emotionally accessible- This one is fairly new and still a bit scary, but I'm learning and getting better about this each day.
My decade with Pepe wasn't wasted- It taught me the importance of the truth listed right above this one!
My parents are the best parents in the universe- Hands down, I know this is the truth. I'm thankful everyday for the unconditional love they always give me.
My friends are like family- Blood may be thicker than water, but I have the most amazing friends.
I have a novel in me that is a story worth writing- It may take another year to finish it, but I like the story I'm telling and I think there are some who will find it entertaining and enjoyable.
I can only be myself- Okay, I've known this for many years but it's just as true today. Being myself is the only thing I'm really good at.......and I like that just fine!
All-in-all, I'm in a good place as I prepare to start a new decade in my life. I want to live better, give more freely and love more deeply. I guess it helps to be an eternal optimist when looking hopefully into the face of the future, but since Life is what I make it, things will be great!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Talent Quest Nationals 2009: Life-long Friendships
I've been fortunate enough to have been a part of Talent Quest for the last 5 years. There are many contestants we see year after year and registration begins to look like an annual family reunion of sorts.
I have such great memories from my first year at Nationals. Being able to come out with my best friend, Jessica for her last eligible year of competition. It was a strange year, to say the least, but she and I had a great time living it up and having some great girl-friend time (which is hard to come by when your bestie has 2 kids).
Because I'm at the information table for more than half of the week's competition, I'm able to see and talk to almost all the contestants. It's virtually impossible not to form bonds of friendship with many of them. One of the things I find so gratifying about the competition is seeing the bonds of friendship between the contestants.
Plastered all over the casino and the elevators are these posters:
[I'll add the photo later....I had some technical issues]
The "Three Amigos" are contestants from Oklahoma, Wisconsin and New York who met 3 years ago when comepeting against one another. The bonds of music and a respect for one another's talent created a lasting bond of friendship. These men talk and scheme all year for the week they will all be together to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting casino guests and fellow contestants. :)
As staff, we have no influence on the judging but we do our best to remain neutral, but it's just not possible for us to look forward to and count the days until we see our friends, Gregg and Michelle. They have travelled to Oklahoma more than once to visit all of us and sing some karaoke. They are just some of the nicest people one could ever meet and we all consider ourselves lucky to call them friends.
In addition to the old friends, there are always "new" friends- those who are first or second time competitors. It's just so nice to be among people who share a love for music and a dream to perform which creates these bonds! It's AMAZING!
So, please enjoy a few videos from some friendly performances.
The Three Amigos:
[video to come.....more technical issues]
Raydog, one of my annual faves:
Jimmy, a new friend (he made Top 5 last year):
I have such great memories from my first year at Nationals. Being able to come out with my best friend, Jessica for her last eligible year of competition. It was a strange year, to say the least, but she and I had a great time living it up and having some great girl-friend time (which is hard to come by when your bestie has 2 kids).
Because I'm at the information table for more than half of the week's competition, I'm able to see and talk to almost all the contestants. It's virtually impossible not to form bonds of friendship with many of them. One of the things I find so gratifying about the competition is seeing the bonds of friendship between the contestants.
Plastered all over the casino and the elevators are these posters:
[I'll add the photo later....I had some technical issues]
The "Three Amigos" are contestants from Oklahoma, Wisconsin and New York who met 3 years ago when comepeting against one another. The bonds of music and a respect for one another's talent created a lasting bond of friendship. These men talk and scheme all year for the week they will all be together to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting casino guests and fellow contestants. :)
As staff, we have no influence on the judging but we do our best to remain neutral, but it's just not possible for us to look forward to and count the days until we see our friends, Gregg and Michelle. They have travelled to Oklahoma more than once to visit all of us and sing some karaoke. They are just some of the nicest people one could ever meet and we all consider ourselves lucky to call them friends.
In addition to the old friends, there are always "new" friends- those who are first or second time competitors. It's just so nice to be among people who share a love for music and a dream to perform which creates these bonds! It's AMAZING!
So, please enjoy a few videos from some friendly performances.
The Three Amigos:
[video to come.....more technical issues]
Raydog, one of my annual faves:
Jimmy, a new friend (he made Top 5 last year):
Gregg and Michelle:
[video to come......not recorded yet :)]
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
It's That Time of Year Again!
Birthday frivolity will ensue!
Given my current lack of cash flow I wasn't sure I would actually go ahead with the traditional "schedule of events" but it seems to have become a tradition. I normally send out my invitations a couple of weeks in advance and really didn't think anyone would notice I hadn't sent anything out.
I was wrong.
Over the past few days I have received so many e-mails and messages from friends asking about the schedule of events for the weekend. What started as a joke 9 years ago in an attempt to deal with so many different friend's schedules has become something I really look forward to every year.
There's nothing better than good times with great friends, no matter what the reason for coming together. I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful friends to whom I can turn to in times of stress or on whom I can depend. I feel every one's birthday is a special event.....it's the celebration of the reason you're on the planet and I feel it's meant to be shared, no matter what the circumstance in life.
So.......thank you my friends! You make me so happy to be ALIVE! Come celebrate with me if you can!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Amy
Since I started blogging in 2006 (way back when my blog was located on myspace), I've written tributes to and told many-a-story about the blessings my friends bring to my life. I'm not so sure I'm really deserving of all the great friends in my life but, I certainly hope it makes me extra appreciative of them.
Today, I'm blogging about my friend, Amy. I met her through a previous job and am continually grateful for the kind of friend she has turned out to be.
Here are some fun and interesting facts about me and Amy:
- Dave Chappelle brought us together
- We are in a band called "Break Dancing Whammies" (never mind we've never had even ONE band practice.....one day we'll get it off the ground!)
- We both understand how extremely funny and witty we are (never mind the fact most of the universe doesn't recognize it)
- We'd date ourselves if we could.....we're just that AWESOME ;)
- We workout most evenings together at the Y (solidarity, Sister!)
- We're a lot a like
- We're a lot different
- We share a fascination about serial killers
- We share a fascination of man's infatuation with the "psycho-girl"
- Spending time together is almost like being alone
Over a year and a half, lots of things can happen. With Amy, though, it's not the major life events which stick out as the stuff which has strengthened our friendship. No, the glue to our friendship is the everyday things which most would think mundane, I'm sure......(I refer you back to the list above.....we understand how funny/witty we are).
Amy is the friend who understands how GENIUS it is to make a catapult out of a fork and business card just so we can launch food at a glass office wall.
Amy is the friend who can remember obscure lines from movies but can't remember a conversation from 2 hours earlier. Amy is the friend who will dance on her desk at work after everyone has left because I think it would make a good pic (oh, and she agrees with that as well).
Amy is the friend who understands and shares my love for mind numbingly funny YouTube videos like NigaHiga, Retarted Policeman and countless others we love (Leeeeeeeeeerooooooooooy Jeeeeeeeeeeenkiiiiiiins!).
Amy is the friend who understands my neurotic fear of the unknown and constantly plays Devil's Advocate to my crazy, virgo ways. Amy is the friend who quotes lines from Pulp Fiction and The Princess Bride in righteous opposition to a dive bombing bird who is only trying to protect his home. Amy is the friend who went with me to my first and only "Prom".
And.......Amy is the friend who would move with me if my life ever took me away from OKC and who would beg me to move with HER if her life took her away from here, as well. [And.....I'd go to great lengths and distances to visit her if we ever found ourselves living in different places.....and I just assume everyone who knows her should feel that way was well....'cause she's just that AWESOME!]
Amy and I talk a lot......sometimes about very weighty world matters.....other times it's just about all those stories of cats nursing pandas or dogs nursing tigers, but whatever the subject matter, this one thing I know: I am so lucky to have become such good friends with her.
Thanks Aim-Dawg, you're the best!
ps.....Tommy says to tell you, "hi"! ;)
Today, I'm blogging about my friend, Amy. I met her through a previous job and am continually grateful for the kind of friend she has turned out to be.
Here are some fun and interesting facts about me and Amy:
- Dave Chappelle brought us together
- We are in a band called "Break Dancing Whammies" (never mind we've never had even ONE band practice.....one day we'll get it off the ground!)
- We both understand how extremely funny and witty we are (never mind the fact most of the universe doesn't recognize it)
- We'd date ourselves if we could.....we're just that AWESOME ;)
- We workout most evenings together at the Y (solidarity, Sister!)
- We're a lot a like
- We're a lot different
- We share a fascination about serial killers
- We share a fascination of man's infatuation with the "psycho-girl"
- Spending time together is almost like being alone
Over a year and a half, lots of things can happen. With Amy, though, it's not the major life events which stick out as the stuff which has strengthened our friendship. No, the glue to our friendship is the everyday things which most would think mundane, I'm sure......(I refer you back to the list above.....we understand how funny/witty we are).
Amy is the friend who understands how GENIUS it is to make a catapult out of a fork and business card just so we can launch food at a glass office wall.
Amy is the friend who can remember obscure lines from movies but can't remember a conversation from 2 hours earlier. Amy is the friend who will dance on her desk at work after everyone has left because I think it would make a good pic (oh, and she agrees with that as well).
Amy is the friend who understands and shares my love for mind numbingly funny YouTube videos like NigaHiga, Retarted Policeman and countless others we love (Leeeeeeeeeerooooooooooy Jeeeeeeeeeeenkiiiiiiins!).
Amy is the friend who understands my neurotic fear of the unknown and constantly plays Devil's Advocate to my crazy, virgo ways. Amy is the friend who quotes lines from Pulp Fiction and The Princess Bride in righteous opposition to a dive bombing bird who is only trying to protect his home. Amy is the friend who went with me to my first and only "Prom".
And.......Amy is the friend who would move with me if my life ever took me away from OKC and who would beg me to move with HER if her life took her away from here, as well. [And.....I'd go to great lengths and distances to visit her if we ever found ourselves living in different places.....and I just assume everyone who knows her should feel that way was well....'cause she's just that AWESOME!]
Amy and I talk a lot......sometimes about very weighty world matters.....other times it's just about all those stories of cats nursing pandas or dogs nursing tigers, but whatever the subject matter, this one thing I know: I am so lucky to have become such good friends with her.
Thanks Aim-Dawg, you're the best!
ps.....Tommy says to tell you, "hi"! ;)
Sunday, January 18, 2009
In Memorium
When I was in high school, I had 2 best friends, Audra and Becky. Both of them moved to Owasso at the beginning of the 9th grade and I met them both on the first day of school. I had no idea how much that day and meeting those girls would change my life.
We had so much in common and had so much fun together. We called ourselves the Boo Boo Sisters (Heather Boo Boo, Becky Boo Boo and Audra Boo Boo). I even made a Boo Boo Baby for Becky to take on a band trip because she was the only Boo Boo Sister going and we didn't want her to be alone. Yes, I know that's cheesy, but we were 15.....what do you expect?
Becky was talented both academically and musically, but what made her so special was her kindness. Becky was kind to every person she met. There were no social barriers she couldn't ignore......it made no difference if it was the nerdy weirdo or the popular cheerleader, Becky would treat everyone with the same respect and kindness. By the time we were Juniors, Becky was class president and well liked by everyone. The Boo Boo Sisters were as tight as ever and things seemed relatively care-free.
On January 18, 1988, Becky was killed in an accident on her way back to school from having gone to retrieve a yearbook layout she had forgotten at home. I had seen her in the hall that morning as I was rushing to my first class and we exchanged a few words about the exciting things happening in our boy-crazy, high school lives and promised to find time later in the day to really discuss all our news.......but that was the last time I ever spoke to Becky.
Her death had a profound effect on me and still does to this day.
Because of Becky's kindness to everyone, I try to be the kind of friend to my friends and those I meet that she was to me. I feel this is the best way to honor her memory and keep part of her alive.
Although it has been 21 years, Becky is still very much a part of mine and Audra's lives and friendship. We try to make fairly regular trips to her final resting place in Missouri and hope her family finds comfort in knowing how much we loved her, too.
Continue to rest peacefully our beloved Boo Boo Sister. We love and miss you!
..............until we meet again.
We had so much in common and had so much fun together. We called ourselves the Boo Boo Sisters (Heather Boo Boo, Becky Boo Boo and Audra Boo Boo). I even made a Boo Boo Baby for Becky to take on a band trip because she was the only Boo Boo Sister going and we didn't want her to be alone. Yes, I know that's cheesy, but we were 15.....what do you expect?
Becky was talented both academically and musically, but what made her so special was her kindness. Becky was kind to every person she met. There were no social barriers she couldn't ignore......it made no difference if it was the nerdy weirdo or the popular cheerleader, Becky would treat everyone with the same respect and kindness. By the time we were Juniors, Becky was class president and well liked by everyone. The Boo Boo Sisters were as tight as ever and things seemed relatively care-free.
On January 18, 1988, Becky was killed in an accident on her way back to school from having gone to retrieve a yearbook layout she had forgotten at home. I had seen her in the hall that morning as I was rushing to my first class and we exchanged a few words about the exciting things happening in our boy-crazy, high school lives and promised to find time later in the day to really discuss all our news.......but that was the last time I ever spoke to Becky.
Her death had a profound effect on me and still does to this day.
Because of Becky's kindness to everyone, I try to be the kind of friend to my friends and those I meet that she was to me. I feel this is the best way to honor her memory and keep part of her alive.
Although it has been 21 years, Becky is still very much a part of mine and Audra's lives and friendship. We try to make fairly regular trips to her final resting place in Missouri and hope her family finds comfort in knowing how much we loved her, too.
Continue to rest peacefully our beloved Boo Boo Sister. We love and miss you!
..............until we meet again.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
A Simple Girl with Simple Needs
It's amazing how just knowing I would be returning to work has had such a healing effect on my emotional state. It's usually very easy for me to keep things at an even keel as far as feeling blue goes, but the past two months sort of proved otherwise. Don't get me wrong.......although I had some pretty dark days, my worst days were a picnic compared to other's brushes with depression.
Nonetheless, this entire week has felt like I was emerging from the abyss and it is such a good feeling to feel normal again!
So, to get to the actual topic of this blog, I want to share some of the simple things in my life that make it bearable and normal for me.
A job......that goes without saying, but I've modified how I look at employment. I don't need the moon.....just a place to work and enough money to cover my bills and modest living expenses. Having just a bit more than needed is nice, but I've learned it isn't necessary and it won't make me any happier, so I'm very thankful for what I have. Paychecks are a wonderful thing.
A home....I'm so thankful the new landlord is going to keep me as a tenant!
Friends.....people who are there for the good and bad are priceless gems. I'm fortunate to have a fantastic network of wonderful friends who would do anything for me. [And....if any of you ever need anything, let me know. I'm happy to return the favor]
Instant Messaging.....again, it's the small things that make my life bearable and instant messaging is one. I'm not much for talking on the phone and texting fills up my phone mailbox too quickly and I hate to delete messages, so instant messaging steps in and fills my communication needs perfectly!
Good food....I'm a foodie and I love a good meal. It doesn't matter if it's home cooked, from a nice restaurant or a little hole-in-the-wall dive. If the food is good, I'll be happy. Those who know me personally and have eaten with me know all about the Happy Food Dance! When I put a bite of good food in my mouth, I do a little dance in my seat......it's totally involuntary but it's the true sign that my mouth is happy and a happy, full belly will soon follow. [If you're interested in my Top 10 favorite place to eat, you can check that out HERE.]
Those are my simple needs. Today, at least.
Nonetheless, this entire week has felt like I was emerging from the abyss and it is such a good feeling to feel normal again!
So, to get to the actual topic of this blog, I want to share some of the simple things in my life that make it bearable and normal for me.
A job......that goes without saying, but I've modified how I look at employment. I don't need the moon.....just a place to work and enough money to cover my bills and modest living expenses. Having just a bit more than needed is nice, but I've learned it isn't necessary and it won't make me any happier, so I'm very thankful for what I have. Paychecks are a wonderful thing.
A home....I'm so thankful the new landlord is going to keep me as a tenant!
Friends.....people who are there for the good and bad are priceless gems. I'm fortunate to have a fantastic network of wonderful friends who would do anything for me. [And....if any of you ever need anything, let me know. I'm happy to return the favor]
Instant Messaging.....again, it's the small things that make my life bearable and instant messaging is one. I'm not much for talking on the phone and texting fills up my phone mailbox too quickly and I hate to delete messages, so instant messaging steps in and fills my communication needs perfectly!
Good food....I'm a foodie and I love a good meal. It doesn't matter if it's home cooked, from a nice restaurant or a little hole-in-the-wall dive. If the food is good, I'll be happy. Those who know me personally and have eaten with me know all about the Happy Food Dance! When I put a bite of good food in my mouth, I do a little dance in my seat......it's totally involuntary but it's the true sign that my mouth is happy and a happy, full belly will soon follow. [If you're interested in my Top 10 favorite place to eat, you can check that out HERE.]
Those are my simple needs. Today, at least.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Drumroll, Please...........
After 11 long weeks of unemployment, I'm happy to let everyone know I'll be re-joining the ranks of the employed next Monday!
I don't know what my exact job title will be, but from what I can tell, I'll be managing (or helping to manage) a small accounting office. It's certainly not the kind of job I ever imagined myself doing, but I'm so grateful for the opportunity.
Unemployment has really opened my eyes to lots of things I thought I was aware of and compassionate about already. No longer will I look at a homeless person and assume they just want to beg for money on a street corner in order to buy their next drink. Although I didn't have to give up my home as a result of unemployment, I came too close for comfort and it was such a scary thing! It only takes one bad break to start the ball rolling towards homelessness......and once you no longer have an address or personal phone it becomes just that much more difficult to secure employment......let alone unemployment benefits.
Last Monday I received 2 job rejections and found out my landlord had sold the house in which I live. The company who let me go was fighting my claim for unemployment and I didn't have enough money to pay my rent and bills for the month of December.............it was rock bottom for me. The person who has been my constant voice of reason throughout this whole roller coaster of unemployment took the brunt of meltdown.........he let me flip out and then he brought it all back to perspective by just saying, "breathe in, breathe out.....relax......nobody has died". Exactly! This poor guy has seriously spent 11 weeks of 8 hour IM conversations keeping me sane, keeping my spirits up, keeping me entertained, encouraging me and giving perspective when desperately needed. He should be made a saint because it wasn't a walk in the park! I will love him dearly forever because of his kindness and friendship.
I know I mentioned this in a previous blog, but all those who have kept the encouragement coming through this blog and on facebook.....Thank you so much!!!!!!!!! Those words seem so inadequate to express the gratitude I feel for the wonderful friends I have.......willing to take me to dinner, let me come over and just chill, sending me daily messages of encouragement and prayers.
I'm so blessed!
I'm so employed!
I don't know what my exact job title will be, but from what I can tell, I'll be managing (or helping to manage) a small accounting office. It's certainly not the kind of job I ever imagined myself doing, but I'm so grateful for the opportunity.
Unemployment has really opened my eyes to lots of things I thought I was aware of and compassionate about already. No longer will I look at a homeless person and assume they just want to beg for money on a street corner in order to buy their next drink. Although I didn't have to give up my home as a result of unemployment, I came too close for comfort and it was such a scary thing! It only takes one bad break to start the ball rolling towards homelessness......and once you no longer have an address or personal phone it becomes just that much more difficult to secure employment......let alone unemployment benefits.
Last Monday I received 2 job rejections and found out my landlord had sold the house in which I live. The company who let me go was fighting my claim for unemployment and I didn't have enough money to pay my rent and bills for the month of December.............it was rock bottom for me. The person who has been my constant voice of reason throughout this whole roller coaster of unemployment took the brunt of meltdown.........he let me flip out and then he brought it all back to perspective by just saying, "breathe in, breathe out.....relax......nobody has died". Exactly! This poor guy has seriously spent 11 weeks of 8 hour IM conversations keeping me sane, keeping my spirits up, keeping me entertained, encouraging me and giving perspective when desperately needed. He should be made a saint because it wasn't a walk in the park! I will love him dearly forever because of his kindness and friendship.
I know I mentioned this in a previous blog, but all those who have kept the encouragement coming through this blog and on facebook.....Thank you so much!!!!!!!!! Those words seem so inadequate to express the gratitude I feel for the wonderful friends I have.......willing to take me to dinner, let me come over and just chill, sending me daily messages of encouragement and prayers.
I'm so blessed!
I'm so employed!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Blah Blog?
I've been meaning to post for a few days, but just haven't been able to make myself. I don't want to write a post that is negative or sounds as if I'm wallowing but some of that can't be avoided. I'm trying so hard to maintain my optimism, but the simple truth is this: I feel really lousy....and I hate it, but please bear with this post because it won't be entirely depressing (I hope).
Three weeks ago I would have given my right arm for 2 weeks without having to go to work....the big difference is I don't have a job to return to and that, I'm finding, is very tough to handle. I never really thought that my self-worth and identity were so wrapped up in my job. I'm finding insecurities I never knew were there and I'm trying my best to learn to deal with those. For the most part, I do okay but there are times when it sneaks up, without any warning, and I find myself scraping bottom. Certainly not a place I'm used to being and not where I want to stay for any length of time.
My parents came yesterday and hauled my car back to their house for some major repairs. It was no easy thing for me to ask my parents for help, but at this point in my life, in these circumstances, I had no other options really and I'm so thankful that I have the kind of parents that will always be there for me. Unconditional love is an amazing thing.
As far as day-to-day life goes, the only thing that has remained constant from before losing my job is my rambling, 8-hour IM conversations with a friend. Without that, I may have really plunged into the depths and not returned to the surface because it's that 8-hour stretch, when everyone I know is working that really does a number on my head sometimes. But, this friend...he puts up with my moody ups and downs and remains a calming force in my life when everything else seems so unstable......and he does it just because we're friends, not because he knows I need that kind of an "anchor" at this particular moment in my life. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to repay him for the extreme kindness he has unintentionally shown me, but hopefully, one day, I'll have a chance to return the favor.
Well, I guess this could have been far more depressing, but I'm hoping it's my optimism and some of the kindest friends in the world keeping it to a minimum. I just have to hold on to my belief that nothing happens by accident........and maybe one day I'll understand this chapter in my life.
For now, I press on.
Three weeks ago I would have given my right arm for 2 weeks without having to go to work....the big difference is I don't have a job to return to and that, I'm finding, is very tough to handle. I never really thought that my self-worth and identity were so wrapped up in my job. I'm finding insecurities I never knew were there and I'm trying my best to learn to deal with those. For the most part, I do okay but there are times when it sneaks up, without any warning, and I find myself scraping bottom. Certainly not a place I'm used to being and not where I want to stay for any length of time.
My parents came yesterday and hauled my car back to their house for some major repairs. It was no easy thing for me to ask my parents for help, but at this point in my life, in these circumstances, I had no other options really and I'm so thankful that I have the kind of parents that will always be there for me. Unconditional love is an amazing thing.
As far as day-to-day life goes, the only thing that has remained constant from before losing my job is my rambling, 8-hour IM conversations with a friend. Without that, I may have really plunged into the depths and not returned to the surface because it's that 8-hour stretch, when everyone I know is working that really does a number on my head sometimes. But, this friend...he puts up with my moody ups and downs and remains a calming force in my life when everything else seems so unstable......and he does it just because we're friends, not because he knows I need that kind of an "anchor" at this particular moment in my life. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to repay him for the extreme kindness he has unintentionally shown me, but hopefully, one day, I'll have a chance to return the favor.
Well, I guess this could have been far more depressing, but I'm hoping it's my optimism and some of the kindest friends in the world keeping it to a minimum. I just have to hold on to my belief that nothing happens by accident........and maybe one day I'll understand this chapter in my life.
For now, I press on.
Friday, August 15, 2008
No Boomerangs for me, please!
Almost 9 years ago, I broke up with someone. We'll call him Doofus for the purpose of this blog. Our relationship started with friendship and progressed to something more......and then turned TOXIC!
I won't go into all of the sordid details of our years together, but will divluge that when the dust setteled, one of us was on our way to federal prison and the other had an FBI file.
Doofus had a very careless upbringing and had no idea what it was to be loved or liked unconditionally. He had no way to understand how one could dislike a person's actions but still like the person. This caused many problems throughout the time we were together and I always told him, "Doofus, no matter what happens....no matter where you go or what you do...I'll be there for you." I really meant it. In the 9 years since we split and he moved out of state, we have kept in touch and remained civil......or "friends" for lack of a more appropriate word.
Two weeks ago, Doofus called and told me he was thinking of moving back to Oklahoma. [WHAT?!?............WHY?!?] I was in a panic. Then he asked if he could stay with me until he found a place to live. [SERIOUSLY?!?.........WHY?!?] In that moment, I realized something. I was capable of being his friend only because we didn't live in the same state. When faced with the reality of his moving back, I remembered all of the shitty things he had done to me and knew I couldn't let him back into my everyday life.
I made an excuse as to why he couldn't stay with me and then my brain shut down. "If I don't think about it, it's not really happening", I though to myself.
Ha! Not so!!!
Doofus called yesterday and asked if I could pick him up from the airport on Sunday. Luckily, I am going to be tied up all weekend AND my car is broken down [no lie!], so I didn't have to make up any excuses. When he asked what I was doing, I told him it was regional finals for Talent Quest and I'd be stuck at the bar all weekend.
He said, "What's Talent Quest?" [REALLY?!?]
That single question just shows how much he doesn't know me anymore! I've been involved with Talent Quest for almost 7 years in some capacity and most of my friends have either heard about it or are involved with it, too.
Then he said, "Well, maybe I'll come by the bar after I get in a hang out with you......what bar is it?" [HONESTLY?!?] Not only does he not know what Talent Quest is, but he doesn't know about Don Quixote's and the role it has played in my life over the past 8 years..........he's seriously out of touch and doesn't even know it.
He doesn't know my best friend, Jessica. He doesn't believe most of my friends would stand in line to beat his ass. He doesn't even know the youngest four of my nieces and nephews....not their names, their ages or which of my siblings they belong to. He only knows what I've shown him over the past 9 years.
Unconditional friendship.
But, I'm not so sure he'll see it that way when he arrives in Oklahoma and I won't hang out with him........I just can't allow him back into my life on a daily basis. It doesn't mean I don't care about him. It just means I have to care about myself and my sanity FIRST.
I will NOT make the same mistakes twice.......it just sucks being forced into this position.
WISH ME LUCK!!!
I won't go into all of the sordid details of our years together, but will divluge that when the dust setteled, one of us was on our way to federal prison and the other had an FBI file.
Doofus had a very careless upbringing and had no idea what it was to be loved or liked unconditionally. He had no way to understand how one could dislike a person's actions but still like the person. This caused many problems throughout the time we were together and I always told him, "Doofus, no matter what happens....no matter where you go or what you do...I'll be there for you." I really meant it. In the 9 years since we split and he moved out of state, we have kept in touch and remained civil......or "friends" for lack of a more appropriate word.
Two weeks ago, Doofus called and told me he was thinking of moving back to Oklahoma. [WHAT?!?............WHY?!?] I was in a panic. Then he asked if he could stay with me until he found a place to live. [SERIOUSLY?!?.........WHY?!?] In that moment, I realized something. I was capable of being his friend only because we didn't live in the same state. When faced with the reality of his moving back, I remembered all of the shitty things he had done to me and knew I couldn't let him back into my everyday life.
I made an excuse as to why he couldn't stay with me and then my brain shut down. "If I don't think about it, it's not really happening", I though to myself.
Ha! Not so!!!
Doofus called yesterday and asked if I could pick him up from the airport on Sunday. Luckily, I am going to be tied up all weekend AND my car is broken down [no lie!], so I didn't have to make up any excuses. When he asked what I was doing, I told him it was regional finals for Talent Quest and I'd be stuck at the bar all weekend.
He said, "What's Talent Quest?" [REALLY?!?]
That single question just shows how much he doesn't know me anymore! I've been involved with Talent Quest for almost 7 years in some capacity and most of my friends have either heard about it or are involved with it, too.
Then he said, "Well, maybe I'll come by the bar after I get in a hang out with you......what bar is it?" [HONESTLY?!?] Not only does he not know what Talent Quest is, but he doesn't know about Don Quixote's and the role it has played in my life over the past 8 years..........he's seriously out of touch and doesn't even know it.
He doesn't know my best friend, Jessica. He doesn't believe most of my friends would stand in line to beat his ass. He doesn't even know the youngest four of my nieces and nephews....not their names, their ages or which of my siblings they belong to. He only knows what I've shown him over the past 9 years.
Unconditional friendship.
But, I'm not so sure he'll see it that way when he arrives in Oklahoma and I won't hang out with him........I just can't allow him back into my life on a daily basis. It doesn't mean I don't care about him. It just means I have to care about myself and my sanity FIRST.
I will NOT make the same mistakes twice.......it just sucks being forced into this position.
WISH ME LUCK!!!
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