Can I Have a Do Over, PLEASE?!?

A few short weeks ago I wrote about whether or not I would go back in time and change things if given the chance. Naively, I said I wouldn't. I've heard it said it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind so, I'm doing just that.

I want to go back in time to 3 weeks ago and change a weekend with Baby Boy. If I had known then what a disastrous effect those 2 days were going to have, I would have done everything differently. I would have taken him to hang with my friends in Norman like I had arranged. I would have shown him more of the everyday side of myself. I would have sheltered him from an infinitesimal part of my existence which he now thinks is my everyday life. He says that weekend didn't bother him, but my analytical virgo brain sees that everything started to slowly change immediately following that weekend.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I try to learn from them and move on. I recite The Starlight Manifesto (It is what it is; we are what we are; I can only be myself) and add the lessons of the mistake to life experience, but not this time. There's too much at stake for me and I don't even know if I can effectively explain why but I'll give it my best effort.

In a very short amount of time this man has given me the ability say and do things which I never would have considered doing before. Telling him how I feel about him, allowing him to witness my life in upheaval, fighting for myself, wishing I could change the past.....all things I never would have done before him. He made me feel that being odd-ball, neurotic Heather was a good thing.....desirable even.

I will regret that weekend forever and I don't want to add regret over not doing everything I can to try and make amends for it. I may have done irreparable damage, but I'm hoping he will give me a do-over.

What I know to be Certain

I've been going through a lot of transition over the past year and a half. I don't for an instant think it's over, but at least the majority of it is.

Someday I'll write about what I call the "Pendulum Effect" which always happens when one decides to make changes in one's life. I've written a lot about my non-traditional views on relationships and about how I was making some changes in that area and I've also written about my concerns that my non-traditional views are so ingrained in my being I wouldn't be able to make the changes. I have spent the last year, and more specifically, the last 6 months on a totally different path and I've learned a lot about what I want and what I know to be true and certain.

I'd rather be wanted than needed.
I'd rather be loved than tolerated.
I'd rather know the painful truth than to be placated.
I'd rather walk away from someone I like than to be in something one-sided.

Maybe my virgo ways make me too analytical, but if I've learned anything it's that I have to be true to myself. I learned many, many years ago that I can't live my life to make someone else happy. Life is all about the choices we make and I'm choosing to follow my heart, regardless of how unconventional that path may be.

As I've said before, the Starlight Manifesto covers it all:

It is what it is;
We are what we are;
I can only by myself

We've Come 'Round Right!

Today has been full of inspiration for me. Not just because of the historic inauguration of our first black president, but also because of the music that has been around me today.

I've mentioned my Top 5 group before [you can read about them here].....well, today's Top 5 topic was: A day of hope. What Top 5 songs give you hope? I always enjoy the answers I get from our unique and diverse group, but today it all just made me happy and content.

Then, as I watched the inauguration and was listening to the arrangement by John Williams I was once again inspired by the music. His arrangement of Simple Gifts seemed so appropriate to me, but not just because of the historic day, but because of the life philosophy by which I try to live. [You can read about the Starlight Manifesto here]

I'm still processing today's events and I might have more to say about it later, but for now, I leave you with the wonderfully simple and appropriate words of Simple Gifts by Elder Joseph Brackett

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come round right.

Looking Forward!

Wow! Today has been so busy and the birthday festivities haven't even begun!

I'm really going to try and post everyday this week, but the posts might be very late-night/early-morning posts.

I should have pictures of karaoke fun and antics with my friends, an update on the fine/warrant situation, tales of food and fun from the fair AND........

......pictures form the sold-out American Idol concert in Tulsa!!! That's right, I'm going to see David Cook and the others! I'm not a huge AI fan, but I could just eat that David with a spoon. I've already made plans to pack my spoon just in case I get close enough to make it a reality.

Coming up in the next week or so, I'll be talking about Talent Quest (and explaining it for those who haven't heard of it yet) and talking about the Starlight Manifesto!

I'm so excited about all the b-day fun that's about to begin!