Friday, July 29, 2011

Be Careful little Fingers!

For at least a year I have written intermittently about being deliberate with language. Using words so their meaning is correct, sincere and appropriate to the situation. Being too casual with language can create complacency and leaves too much room for misunderstanding. I really try to practice what I preach, but it's not always easy.

Hand in hand with being deliberate with my language is being true to my word. If I say I will do something, that's it......I will do it. Seems simple, right? Well, this afternoon I find myself sitting here, writing this short blog because I have painted myself into a corner with my words. I sent a text and said I was not going to do something until certain conditions were met and now I'm sorry I said that. I've always loathed when people make idle threats, so I sit with my hands tied, miserable, waiting for the condition I set to be met........and my heart heavy as I realize that may never come to pass.

Oh well, at least I'm being true to myself even if I've been hurt to my very core. It's a bittersweet victory but score one for me!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Have a Little Patience, Please

I'm really angry with myself. Angry because I'm not dealing well with recent changes. Angry because I hate to feel like I can't control my emotions. Angry because I let small things dictate my mood lately. Angry because I'm jumping to irrational conclusions.

But mostly I'm angry because I let a decade of association with Pepe get so far under my skin I'm not entirely sure I can change my ways. To be fair (and as a Virgo, I always try to be fair), it's not just Pepe, but most of what is causing me such grief stems from that relationship.

Generally, I'm a very practical person. In fact, I pride myself in the fact that I'm able to be so level headed but lately, everything is out of whack. I'm really trying to change my ways because I'm tired of all the Unavailables and I'm actively taking steps to change that.

Here's the main thing which is derailing me at the moment. I'm not a jealous person, however, I'm finding that a decade of being the "girl on the side" has made me jaded. When I hear some one say, "don't tag me on facebook if you check in", what I hear is, "I don't want anyone to know I'm with you". Irrational? Probably, but after 10 years of being the secret, I find I can't control that reaction. I don't want to look up in 10 years and find that because I didn't express my feelings about the situation, some one else has won the prize and I'm stuck playing second string. If it hadn't already happened once, I don't think I'd be so wary of it happening again.

And that makes me angry.

I'm angry because I make a great "other woman" and angry because I'm afraid that's all I'll ever be. I'm angry because I feel like every time I try to do things differently, I make a colossal mess if it. And in the midst of it, I'm afraid I'm pushing away something that could be really good for me and my personality. I use all these words and have a great command of the English language and I can't effectively explain myself to him. I go to say one thing and the next thing I know, I've said something that sounds similar but just makes me look like a jerk. Even with all that, he listens to my neurotic babbling, reassures me and continues to be a great guy. That's why it's so important to me that I let him know I realize I'm wrong about this and I will get past it. Because it's just that important to me. What he thinks and feels about me is just that important to me. All new territory for me.

He occasionally comes over and reads my blog, so I close with this:

Baby Boy, please, please, please continue to be patient with me. I'm trying......but it's me, not you.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Seems Simple Enough.........hmmph!

There are only 3 rules to remember when caring for gremlins:

1. Keep them away from light.
2. Don't get them wet.
3. Don't feed them after midnight.

Seems simple enough, huh? If you've seen the movie, you know they fail......miserably. It used to drive me crazy that they were unable to follow such simple, straight-forward rules but I'm realizing some of the simplest things are much more difficult than they appear.

At the moment, I have one major guideline under which I'm trying to operate:

Don't screw this up.

Apparently, I'm doing a horrible job. There's certainly a learning curve and thankfully I'm good with apologies and can most times get myself back on track. But, to be on the safe side, I might watch Gremlins this weekend to refresh my memory on emergency damage control. It certainly can't hurt.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Lost Cause?

This is a difficult blog to write and post, but I need to get it off my chest. So I unburden myself to the blogosphere and any who care to read it.

One of the hazards of 10+ years of associating with unavailables is starting to become painfully aware to me. I'm a master at compartmentalizing- especially emotions. After breaking ties with Pepe, I'm determined not to head down that path again.

The trick is figuring out how to do that.

I'd like to say the problem is that I've forgotten how to invest emotion, but that's far from the truth. It's actually like riding a bike.....much to my surprise. And I find that although my heart didn't get bumped or bruised much when it was tucked away in it's padded compartment, it also hasn't had a chance to gain a thicker skin.

Caring about someone is painful.

Don't misunderstand, no one is treating me badly. It's just very new territory for me and as a Virgo who hates the unknown, every 10 minutes I want to throw in the towel and retreat to what I know. But then I take a deep breath, sometimes wipe a tear from my eye and remind myself of something I know beyond all doubt.

I want to take a different path. This path.

It scares the shit out of me and I'm feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable every five minutes it seems but I'm forging ahead. I know I'll find my balance, but in the meantime, I hope I don't come off as being too needy or seeming like a pest.

Am I a lost cause? Thankfully, not yet.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks

If I've learned anything over the past 5 years it's that change is inevitable. I've also learned that one should react to change like one should react to a fall: Relax until it's over! Don't try to stop it once it has started or try to break your fall and it will be a lot less painful.

There has been a lot of change in my life over the past 2 weeks and I haven't had time to let my Virgo brain process it all, yet. Some people view all change as bad, some think it's all good but I'm gonna go all Forrest Gump on you and say, "I think it's a little of both, maybe" (although Forrest wasn't talking about change). Because I like to be on the positive/optimistic side of things, I've decided to write about some of the good change.

I remember back in 2006, sitting in my office which was off of the employee break room at B&N. They weren't offering free wireless back then and I had purchased a subscription and allowed the other employees to use it, too. One of my favorite co-workers popped her head into my office one day and told me,

"You should join Facebook."

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's like Myspace, only better."

After a couple of promptings, I sat down and created my account. After adding my current city as a network, I decided to add my university to my networks as well. I entered the name of my college, selected it from the list and clicked "add". Up pops a window!

"Enter your college email address:" [what? Is this a joke? We didn't have email when I was in college!]

My start with Facebook was shaky, but I hung in there and what my friend said proved to be true. It was better than Myspace. I started a campaign to bring all my friends over to Facebook and one-by-one, I wore them down. Facebook is the place I go to find out what's going on in the lives of my friends. A daily read-through of my news feed fills me in on all the good news, the bad news, birthday parties, baseball/soccer/tennis games, graduations, vacations, etc..... and I don't even have to make a single phone call or send any emails.

Last week my trendsetting friend sent me a loophole invite to try Google+, a social networking venture brought to us guessed it! Google. I've never been a fan of Google because of some of their privacy policies, but let's face it, if one uses the internet on a daily basis, you're giving up some of your privacy, whether you know it or not. So, I plunged in and have been using Google+ for a week.

So far, it's okay. It's very similar to Facebook except much quieter. I'm not ready to start harassing my friends to switch yet and I might not ever but, for now I'm sticking with it because my friend was right about Facebook........she's probably right about this too.

If you want an invite to join Google+ and have a gmail account, let me know and I'll send one to you.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

What's in a Name?

I am of the belief that one doesn't pick out a nickname for someone, but rather the nickname picks the person. Often I blog about friends or unavailables and instead of asking for permission each time, I tend to use nicknames to protect identities. The parties involved know to whom I'm referring and it keeps everyone happy. Two years ago I wrote about my family's obsession with nicknames and decided to re-post this after yesterdays nickname discussion with Baby Boy. Enjoy!

The Nickname Game- July 5, 2008 family is a nickname kind of family. It's a multi-generational thing with us and I used to think that all families were like mine as far as nicknames were concerned, but I'm not so sure anymore.

To start, before my parents were even married, my dad was called "Cookie" by friends and co-workers [actually, he was Little Cookie and my grandfather was just Cookie]. My mother's dad and uncle thought it was a funny nickname (even though his last name is Cook) and they started calling him "cornbread" as a joke. Then the day of my parents wedding, my grandfather (my Lovey Mom's dad) mused that my father looked like a deacon in his suit and forever after that my grandfather and my father called each other "Deacon". Always. Not son (in-law), not dad, not by their first names. Just their common nickname for each other: Deacon.

It's not just that everyone has a nickname......we usually have several that are used frequently. I guess that's the part that's a bit strange to most others. It seems perfectly normal to me, but I grew up surrounded by adults that used multiple nicknames.........what can I say? I guess I come by it honestly.

Here is an overview of my siblings, nieces and nephews and their nicknames just so you can gain an understanding of how my family adores using nicknames.

My oldest sister Julie is most often called Jule (pronounced like Jewel) or Jujee. Sometimes we'll even shorten Jujee and just call her Juj (did we really make another nickname OUT of a nickname? Oh yes we did!)

My sister Melissa's first nickname was given to her by my father when she was an infant. He called her "Mippy Dip" because the curl on the top of her head reminded him of a dip cone. Her other nicknames are Missy, Mip, Misser Sisser, Mimi and Meem.

My little brother Chuck also has several. When he was born, my father was still "Little Cookie" to many so those friends called my brother "Cookie Crumb". That nickname didn't stick around, but he's had plenty more over the years. Chuckie, Buck, Wooger Booger. Now that he's an uncle, he's most often referred to as Uncle Buck (for a short time, our nephew Chris called him Donald Buck).

AAAANNNNNNDDDDD.....I don't want to leave myself out! My first nickname was "Heavy" and was given to me by my sister Melissa because she couldn't say Heather. When my little brother was about 2, he called me "uh-oh" for about a year. Other names that I've been called (I'm talking NICKNAMES people!) are Deder, Heheher, Booger Wooger (not to be mistaken for Chuck's Booger Wooger). Heather Ann (Ann isn't my middle name), Starla, stargirl, Hev and Hevver.

Now for the kids!

Tyler: Matty Ty, Matthias Tylus and Tyler Rupert (sometimes we just call him Rupert)

Phillip: Pilpy, Pilly Pot, Philly-Pilly

Christopher: Crispy, Crisp, Crispy Critter and Christopher Robin

Nick: Neeko, Nickel Pickle, Cabezon (this is because his head is HUGE and I love it!)

Emily: Emmy Dawny, Emma Pooka Looners, pooka looka, Emmalia, Em

Erika: Rarika, P.B. (I've caller her this since she was about 2 years old, but now that she's a teenager, I can't say what it stands for because it might embarrass her)

Justin: Bubba Joe, Bustin and sometimes just Bubba

Jared: Pared, JP, Perry

Andy: Andy-boo, Boo Bear and Sugar Bear Itchy Spot

Max: Maxamillian, Sugar Max and Maxeroni and Cheese

Lauren: Sugar Lips and Laurney Little Bit. (More recently I've started calling her mini me. She looks just like I did when I was a child.)

Tommy: Twister Man, Monkey Boy, Tommy Toodles and Tom Bomb

Also, I call my parents Poppy Bear and Lovey Mom.

So......there you have it. Here's what I want to know:

1. What are your nicknames?

2. Do you think my family's used of so many nicknames is odd?

Monday, July 4, 2011

Charlie, You Can Never Go Back!

When I was in college, I worked at a daycare for a few months to help out a friend. The class I was in charge of loved the movie "All Dogs Go to Heaven" and requested to watch it every time we had a movie day. It's actually a cute movie if you can see past the sub-par animation and since that summer, I find myself still quoting one of my favorite lines from that movie. "Charlie, you can never go back"! Surprisingly, this line has come in handy over the years and I use it most often when I think things may have been better in the past.

But lately, I've been thinking a lot of my junior high and high school days and this phrase has been in the forefront of my mind. Over the years I've heard lots of people ask variations of this question, "If you could go back and do anything over, would you?" My answer for that is always, "no". All the things I've been through and experienced have molded and shaped me.....and without trying to sound egotistical, I like who I am, on the whole.

The world of social networking had made the world from my past so small. The wisdom of age and the confidence gained through living allows conversations and connections with people I might never have spoken to otherwise. And, in the back of my mind is the steady cadence, "Charlie, you can never go back". No matter how many conversations are had, no matter how many confessions are made; those days are past.

But sometimes, when my mind wanders, I can't help but wonder what I would do if I could go back. It's silly, I know but I'm fairly certain what I would do if I could go back. [And, since it's impossible to actually go back, I have added some more impossible things to the mix.]

If I could go back, I would want to do it a la Back to the Future. I'd want to go back as I am today and talk to my 15 year old self. I wouldn't reveal any secrets, but I would tell her that she's on the right track and to be more confident because everything would work out great!

It's true we can never go back, but it's sometimes a good idea to look back to see things and understand how somethings do come full circle. Or, to use an oft-quoted song I love, "To turn, to turn will be our delight, till by turning, turning we come round right"