Sunday, January 25, 2009

Fatally Flawed?

My mother used to say, "There are girls you date and there are girls you marry". I knew what she was trying to convey, but I'm not talking about sex when I make the statement: I'm the girl one dates. I'm not even sure I'd ever want to marry, but I seriously wonder if it's just something about me which makes men pass me over for someone else. I've presented my theory on Psycho Girls and I thought for awhile the reason I kept losing the guy to some other girl was because I didn't have it in me to be the "psycho".......but there HAS to be at least one single man out there who doesn't want the theatrics and the drama!

I'll be the first to admit I'm fiercely independent and somewhat solitary BUT that only goes so far as an explanation. Maybe I'm being too generous with my assessment of my loner tendencies, but I don't feel it's so extreme to the point of my not being able to have a "normal" relationship. And yes.....I realize I'm notorious for attracting men who are unavailable because they have a girlfriend or even a fiancee, but I don't purposely seek out those who aren't available and I certainly don't have any special power that makes them attracted to me (not that I'm aware of anyway, but there's something about me they find appealing).

So I've been thinking a lot this past week about WHY I'm not the kind of girl it appears so many men want. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to figure it out but I have learned a lot about how my beliefs and desire for consistency affect my life.

I believe in predestination.......or destiny, fate.....whatever you want to call it. I feel a relationship (as with all things in life) will happen if it's meant to be. This is the sole reason I simply cannot be the Psycho Girl. If I have to resort to histrionics to "keep my man" it's just not right. If I have to manipulate a situation like that, I feel it's manufactured and unnatural. And, if I resort to those tactics once, in order to keep my man, will I have to do it every time? Isn't that type of behavior in direct contradiction with my beliefs and personal life philosophy? what point do I become the fatalist? Am I losing out because I fail to act at the crucial moment by declaring my feelings and making my wants known? There's a fine line and I struggle to find the balance and remain true to myself and what I believe. I can only be myself. I believe this with all my heart and soul and don't want to compromise.

This will likely be a struggle which will continue in my brain.....trying to reconcile both wants and needs with my personal beliefs.

But at the end of the day, regardless of my consistency, losing sucks..........and really hurts.


Jessican said...

This is the kind of struggle I think all independent women go through and I don't think there is one answer for everyone.

Being true to yourself is the most important thing for sure. Compromises are important for relationships, yes, but personal morals and ideals shouldn't be a part of that.

But still, yes, there is a voice in the back of your head wondering if maybe you have been too strict and maybe if you would just give in now it would make things better later....well...who knows.

For me I know that I never wanted to go the "Psycho Girl" route, not just because I thought it was stupid and immature, but I didn't want to stoop to that level only to be rejected. That was my real fear -- to compromise myself only to face rejection.

Man, I don't think any of that was helpful. I'm pretty dysfunctional myself, so I am terrible in communicating in relationship matters.

Life with Kaishon said...

I think you will meet someone wonderful. Someone who doesn't love drama and who understand your alone tendancies... While I totally love being married I will be quick to tell you that it has been the HARDEST thing I have ever done. It is a challenge every day. I really struggle with being selfish and being loving. Just when you are least expecting it God will bring someone into your life that changes everything : ). Hugs!

Jennifer said...

I truly believe that if God has given you the desire to marry, than He has someone for you to marry. You may just not have met him yet. Or he may not be prepared to marry yet. Or whatever the reason. God's timing is perfect. But if we focus on the waiting time and do nothing but long for what is yet to come, we waste valuable time right now. It seems to me that you could easily focus on being content with the now because God has given you such an independent streak. The waiting may just be slightly easier for you than it is for others, say, like me. I hate being alone and am way to impatient to be single. But "Life with Kaishon" is right - being married is sometimes no party either. It's enough to make you think, for just a moment, about being single again!

I know, easy for me to say - I'm already married.

Jessica said...

As I scrubbed dishes this morning, I was thinking about this blog, and suddenly a verse from a Carolyn Dawn Johnson song popped in my head. (You know I think she is wiser than I will ever be:))

So for what it's worth... I think this is a fantastic lyric that not only makes for a fabulous chorus, but a wonderful life credo to remember as well, and I feel it applies in this situation.

"... I'm always gonna be a better me than anyone else."

Really just CDJ's version of "It is what it is", LOL!

Life with Kaishon said...

Thinking of you today! I need you to give me some motivation to go outside into the cold and shovel the driveway...

Life with Kaishon said...

How is my favorite fatally NON flawed friend : )?

Life with Kaishon said...

Thinking of you today! Hoping you are doing smashingly well : ).