Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Lost Cause?

This is a difficult blog to write and post, but I need to get it off my chest. So I unburden myself to the blogosphere and any who care to read it.

One of the hazards of 10+ years of associating with unavailables is starting to become painfully aware to me. I'm a master at compartmentalizing- especially emotions. After breaking ties with Pepe, I'm determined not to head down that path again.

The trick is figuring out how to do that.

I'd like to say the problem is that I've forgotten how to invest emotion, but that's far from the truth. It's actually like riding a bike.....much to my surprise. And I find that although my heart didn't get bumped or bruised much when it was tucked away in it's padded compartment, it also hasn't had a chance to gain a thicker skin.

Caring about someone is painful.

Don't misunderstand, no one is treating me badly. It's just very new territory for me and as a Virgo who hates the unknown, every 10 minutes I want to throw in the towel and retreat to what I know. But then I take a deep breath, sometimes wipe a tear from my eye and remind myself of something I know beyond all doubt.

I want to take a different path. This path.

It scares the shit out of me and I'm feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable every five minutes it seems but I'm forging ahead. I know I'll find my balance, but in the meantime, I hope I don't come off as being too needy or seeming like a pest.

Am I a lost cause? Thankfully, not yet.


Life with Kaishon said...

You are in my thoughts. I think you are going to love the new (albeit unknown) path

*kelly said...

I agree with 'Life with Kaishon' ... I think you will find the new path rewarding.