Computer Archives: The 21st Century Breakup Box

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" George Santayana

I spent a good portion of my weekend reading through archived emails, messages, IMs and texts from a few past boyfriends. Maybe I'm the only one who keeps correspondence anymore, but just because there are no hard-copy notes and letters these days doesn't mean there isn't a digital version of the stack of letters bound by a ribbon at the end of a relationship.

For the most part, I forget this correspondence is there, but it's good to know I can revisit these things if I ever feel the need. This past week, I've been pushed in the direction of my virtual breakup boxes and have blown the dust (some dustier than others) off the lids and started reading.

I won't lie. Much of it was torturous. But, it was also nice to see that there were plenty of good times worth remembering. And, although it shouldn't have been surprising to me, I was shocked to see such a distinct pattern to the flow of things with Pepe, Sugar D and Baby Boy. It's true that there are times one can't see the forest for the trees and the past 15 years have been dark times in the forbidden forest for me!

But, for as much torture as it was to read through the correspondence, it was equally liberating. Things have changed and I'm on a clear path. It's one that makes me happier than I've been in years and one that I prefer to keep mostly to myself because I'm selfish and I refuse to share it with anyone else. I've sealed the archives once again, but it's good to know they are there so I won't keep repeating the past.

Peace, Be Still.......

I mention often about being a loner and liking my alone time. I have good reasons for liking that quiet time and just last week, as I had a bit of a break in my workday, I was overwhelmed by how blessed I am. Only in the quiet times do I fully recognize the depth of how fortunate I am.

I can't imagine what it would be like to go through life without the love, friends and amazing opportunities I've been given! I wouldn't trade any of that for all the money in the world, but that's not the whole story.

As often as I mention my penchant for being alone, I mention my irrational fear of the unknown. For one with an analytical brain, this can be a nightmare. If there's a situation for which there is an unknown factor, my brain will play through it over and over with every possible scenario for the unknown factor. If you can imagine, this sometimes goes on for months......especially in the quiet moments.

Currently, my brain is still trying to figure out what caused the change between me and Baby Boy. Honestly, my brain is beginning to settle most often on one of two possible explanations.

Number one: I totally got played.
Number two: He totally hates me.

Either way, I find no comfort and continue to search for the answer to what is going on. One thing I know for sure: Losing Sucks and I hate feeling like I've lost him (and believe me....I know he was never mine).

Can I Have a Do Over, PLEASE?!?

A few short weeks ago I wrote about whether or not I would go back in time and change things if given the chance. Naively, I said I wouldn't. I've heard it said it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind so, I'm doing just that.

I want to go back in time to 3 weeks ago and change a weekend with Baby Boy. If I had known then what a disastrous effect those 2 days were going to have, I would have done everything differently. I would have taken him to hang with my friends in Norman like I had arranged. I would have shown him more of the everyday side of myself. I would have sheltered him from an infinitesimal part of my existence which he now thinks is my everyday life. He says that weekend didn't bother him, but my analytical virgo brain sees that everything started to slowly change immediately following that weekend.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I try to learn from them and move on. I recite The Starlight Manifesto (It is what it is; we are what we are; I can only be myself) and add the lessons of the mistake to life experience, but not this time. There's too much at stake for me and I don't even know if I can effectively explain why but I'll give it my best effort.

In a very short amount of time this man has given me the ability say and do things which I never would have considered doing before. Telling him how I feel about him, allowing him to witness my life in upheaval, fighting for myself, wishing I could change the past.....all things I never would have done before him. He made me feel that being odd-ball, neurotic Heather was a good thing.....desirable even.

I will regret that weekend forever and I don't want to add regret over not doing everything I can to try and make amends for it. I may have done irreparable damage, but I'm hoping he will give me a do-over.

Maybe She's Just Pieces of Me You've Never Seen.....

October 5th, 1992 at Sooner Theatre in Norman was a life-changing night for me. I sat in the theatre with 818 other people and learned what others meant when they said a concert had been a religious experience. That's what Tori Amos' Little Earthquakes was for me. I loved that album long before that concert experience but that solidified a spot for Little Earthquakes as one of my Top 5 All-time Favorite Albums.

When I listen to Little Earthquakes (and I mean the entire album, not just that song), I need only close my eyes and I am instantly transported back. I can't explain what I was feeling as I watched this intriguing red-head pound the keys of the piano while seductively twisting her body towards the audience. Everyone sat in mesmerized fascination and for 2 hours we were all on the same wave length. Where did she come from and why didn't she get here sooner?

The songs seem timeless to me and I know that's because I love them, but today as I was dealing with lots of emotion, I couldn't get this song out of my head and it seems so poignantly relative to what I was feeling that I had to share it.

[Try the Spotify link first as it's the album version, but if that doesn't work, I've embedded a decent live version. Words to the song are at the very bottom of the blog.]

Tear in Your Hand- Click the title for a link to listen on Spotify!



All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me
Me and Neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king
Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving
Cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is all I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And the tear in your hand
All the world is
Danglin'...danglin' dang-dangalin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in you hand

And maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up every time I touch you
Maybe, maybe it's time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now

Caught a ride with the moon
I know, I know you well
Well, better than I used to
haze all clouded up my mind
in the daze of the way it could've never been
So you say and I say
and I know you're full of wish
And your "baby baby baby babies"
I tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen

All the world is all I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is
dangin'...Dangling'...dang-Danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in you hand
With that tear in you hand

Be Careful little Fingers!

For at least a year I have written intermittently about being deliberate with language. Using words so their meaning is correct, sincere and appropriate to the situation. Being too casual with language can create complacency and leaves too much room for misunderstanding. I really try to practice what I preach, but it's not always easy.

Hand in hand with being deliberate with my language is being true to my word. If I say I will do something, that's it......I will do it. Seems simple, right? Well, this afternoon I find myself sitting here, writing this short blog because I have painted myself into a corner with my words. I sent a text and said I was not going to do something until certain conditions were met and now I'm sorry I said that. I've always loathed when people make idle threats, so I sit with my hands tied, miserable, waiting for the condition I set to be met........and my heart heavy as I realize that may never come to pass.

Oh well, at least I'm being true to myself even if I've been hurt to my very core. It's a bittersweet victory but score one for me!

Have a Little Patience, Please

I'm really angry with myself. Angry because I'm not dealing well with recent changes. Angry because I hate to feel like I can't control my emotions. Angry because I let small things dictate my mood lately. Angry because I'm jumping to irrational conclusions.

But mostly I'm angry because I let a decade of association with Pepe get so far under my skin I'm not entirely sure I can change my ways. To be fair (and as a Virgo, I always try to be fair), it's not just Pepe, but most of what is causing me such grief stems from that relationship.

Generally, I'm a very practical person. In fact, I pride myself in the fact that I'm able to be so level headed but lately, everything is out of whack. I'm really trying to change my ways because I'm tired of all the Unavailables and I'm actively taking steps to change that.

Here's the main thing which is derailing me at the moment. I'm not a jealous person, however, I'm finding that a decade of being the "girl on the side" has made me jaded. When I hear some one say, "don't tag me on facebook if you check in", what I hear is, "I don't want anyone to know I'm with you". Irrational? Probably, but after 10 years of being the secret, I find I can't control that reaction. I don't want to look up in 10 years and find that because I didn't express my feelings about the situation, some one else has won the prize and I'm stuck playing second string. If it hadn't already happened once, I don't think I'd be so wary of it happening again.

And that makes me angry.

I'm angry because I make a great "other woman" and angry because I'm afraid that's all I'll ever be. I'm angry because I feel like every time I try to do things differently, I make a colossal mess if it. And in the midst of it, I'm afraid I'm pushing away something that could be really good for me and my personality. I use all these words and have a great command of the English language and I can't effectively explain myself to him. I go to say one thing and the next thing I know, I've said something that sounds similar but just makes me look like a jerk. Even with all that, he listens to my neurotic babbling, reassures me and continues to be a great guy. That's why it's so important to me that I let him know I realize I'm wrong about this and I will get past it. Because it's just that important to me. What he thinks and feels about me is just that important to me. All new territory for me.

He occasionally comes over and reads my blog, so I close with this:

Baby Boy, please, please, please continue to be patient with me. I'm trying......but it's me, not you.

Seems Simple Enough.........hmmph!

There are only 3 rules to remember when caring for gremlins:

1. Keep them away from light.
2. Don't get them wet.
3. Don't feed them after midnight.

Seems simple enough, huh? If you've seen the movie, you know they fail......miserably. It used to drive me crazy that they were unable to follow such simple, straight-forward rules but I'm realizing some of the simplest things are much more difficult than they appear.

At the moment, I have one major guideline under which I'm trying to operate:

Don't screw this up.

Apparently, I'm doing a horrible job. There's certainly a learning curve and thankfully I'm good with apologies and can most times get myself back on track. But, to be on the safe side, I might watch Gremlins this weekend to refresh my memory on emergency damage control. It certainly can't hurt.

What's in a Name?

I am of the belief that one doesn't pick out a nickname for someone, but rather the nickname picks the person. Often I blog about friends or unavailables and instead of asking for permission each time, I tend to use nicknames to protect identities. The parties involved know to whom I'm referring and it keeps everyone happy. Two years ago I wrote about my family's obsession with nicknames and decided to re-post this after yesterdays nickname discussion with Baby Boy. Enjoy!

The Nickname Game- July 5, 2008

Nicknames.......my family is a nickname kind of family. It's a multi-generational thing with us and I used to think that all families were like mine as far as nicknames were concerned, but I'm not so sure anymore.

To start, before my parents were even married, my dad was called "Cookie" by friends and co-workers [actually, he was Little Cookie and my grandfather was just Cookie]. My mother's dad and uncle thought it was a funny nickname (even though his last name is Cook) and they started calling him "cornbread" as a joke. Then the day of my parents wedding, my grandfather (my Lovey Mom's dad) mused that my father looked like a deacon in his suit and forever after that my grandfather and my father called each other "Deacon". Always. Not son (in-law), not dad, not by their first names. Just their common nickname for each other: Deacon.

It's not just that everyone has a nickname......we usually have several that are used frequently. I guess that's the part that's a bit strange to most others. It seems perfectly normal to me, but I grew up surrounded by adults that used multiple nicknames.........what can I say? I guess I come by it honestly.

Here is an overview of my siblings, nieces and nephews and their nicknames just so you can gain an understanding of how my family adores using nicknames.

My oldest sister Julie is most often called Jule (pronounced like Jewel) or Jujee. Sometimes we'll even shorten Jujee and just call her Juj (did we really make another nickname OUT of a nickname? Oh yes we did!)

My sister Melissa's first nickname was given to her by my father when she was an infant. He called her "Mippy Dip" because the curl on the top of her head reminded him of a dip cone. Her other nicknames are Missy, Mip, Misser Sisser, Mimi and Meem.

My little brother Chuck also has several. When he was born, my father was still "Little Cookie" to many so those friends called my brother "Cookie Crumb". That nickname didn't stick around, but he's had plenty more over the years. Chuckie, Buck, Wooger Booger. Now that he's an uncle, he's most often referred to as Uncle Buck (for a short time, our nephew Chris called him Donald Buck).

AAAANNNNNNDDDDD.....I don't want to leave myself out! My first nickname was "Heavy" and was given to me by my sister Melissa because she couldn't say Heather. When my little brother was about 2, he called me "uh-oh" for about a year. Other names that I've been called (I'm talking NICKNAMES people!) are Deder, Heheher, Booger Wooger (not to be mistaken for Chuck's Booger Wooger). Heather Ann (Ann isn't my middle name), Starla, stargirl, Hev and Hevver.

Now for the kids!

Tyler: Matty Ty, Matthias Tylus and Tyler Rupert (sometimes we just call him Rupert)
Phillip: Pilpy, Pilly Pot, Philly-Pilly
Christopher: Crispy, Crisp, Crispy Critter and Christopher Robin
Nick: Neeko, Nickel Pickle, Cabezon (this is because his head is HUGE and I love it!)
Emily: Emmy Dawny, Emma Pooka Looners, pooka looka, Emmalia, Em
Erika: Rarika, P.B. (I've caller her this since she was about 2 years old, but now that she's a teenager, I can't say what it stands for because it might embarrass her)
Justin: Bubba Joe, Bustin and sometimes just Bubba
Jared: Pared, JP, Perry
Andy: Andy-boo, Boo Bear and Sugar Bear Itchy Spot
Max: Maxamillian, Sugar Max and Maxeroni and Cheese
Lauren: Sugar Lips and Laurney Little Bit. (More recently I've started calling her mini me. She looks just like I did when I was a child.)
Tommy: Twister Man, Monkey Boy, Tommy Toodles and Tom Bomb

Also, I call my parents Poppy Bear and Lovey Mom.

So......there you have it. Here's what I want to know:

1. What are your nicknames?
2. Do you think my family's used of so many nicknames is odd?

Feels Like the First Time (but not really)

The Universe is up to his old tricks again. Not wanting to bog you down with depressing details, he has created this perfect storm of upheaval in my life for the next few weeks. I could see it coming and made attempts to avoid it, but that wasn't meant to be. The Universe and I are destined to continue our clashing and so I press on. but in order to win this round with my Constant Adversary, I really need to focus and that's easier said than done. Why?

Because I have a crush on someone.

Not only do I have a crush, but it has made me feel like I'm back in junior high. Seriously, junior high wasn't the easiest time for me when it came to boys so you can imagine why I'm not thrilled that a crush at nearly 40 years old conjures images of those turbulent days. UGH! In an effort to take back control of my emotions I'm allowing myself to be effusive about this crush in a blog so I can move on and focus on the task at hand.

Here goes:

I like this guy. Really like him. Enough that I don't want my neurotic ways or the upheaval in my life to put him off.

I want to tell him I have a crush on him but I'm scared he doesn't feel the same way and NO one ever wants something that's one-sided. Can you see the correlation to junior high here?

He doesn't read my blog, but on the outside chance he finds his way over here, I want to leave him a message.

I hope you're interested enough to take a chance on me. If you do, I promise I won't rack you with the back of my chair after lunch.