Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Out Like a Lamb

March 22nd would have been the 10 year milestone for me and Pepe. The day came and went without any fanfare or even a mention of him from me. To be quite honest, I really wasn't sure how that day would be or how I wanted to approach it. Mostly I was scared I would cave and at least send an e-mail acknowledging the significance of the day. It's difficult to look at something that is basically a failure and not feel badly about it. [And for me, it's the the most substantial "something" I've ever had the willingness to commit to for such a length of time.] Now that it's 2 weeks behind me, I'm able to reflect and try and gain some perspective.

This morning, a text exchange with a friend made me think of something I'd written long ago about Pepe. I figured it was in a blog written about the night we met so I hit my blog archives in search of those words which were a tiny flicker in my memory.

I read back over 5 years of blogs written on or about March 22nd trying to remember how I felt and why I felt it, but I couldn't find the passage I was looking for. After reading more old blogs than I cared to read today, I finally ran across a short paragraph written in a blog near Thanksgiving 2007 which contained what I'd been looking for. As I re-read the short paragraph it made me smile, feel at peace about the past and helped me NOT to feel as though I wasted a decade of my life waiting for something which would never happen.

I'm not sure it will ever be possible for Pepe and I to actually be friends.....I mean the kind of friends who will keep in touch and talk from time to time, but I will always think fondly of our near decade. With that, I leave you with the words I wrote about him in 2007.

[taken from a list of things for which I was thankful]
Pepe- I don't want to get sappy, but he is the reason I don't hate men. He came into my life when I was in a very dark place and totally changed my outlook. The wonderful part is that he wasn't even trying to do that……I will be indebted to him forever and I love him for being who he is. He is very special to me. I'm also thankful that he's so understanding of my neurotic ways!

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