Thursday, October 16, 2008

Blah Blog?

I've been meaning to post for a few days, but just haven't been able to make myself. I don't want to write a post that is negative or sounds as if I'm wallowing but some of that can't be avoided. I'm trying so hard to maintain my optimism, but the simple truth is this: I feel really lousy....and I hate it, but please bear with this post because it won't be entirely depressing (I hope).

Three weeks ago I would have given my right arm for 2 weeks without having to go to work....the big difference is I don't have a job to return to and that, I'm finding, is very tough to handle. I never really thought that my self-worth and identity were so wrapped up in my job. I'm finding insecurities I never knew were there and I'm trying my best to learn to deal with those. For the most part, I do okay but there are times when it sneaks up, without any warning, and I find myself scraping bottom. Certainly not a place I'm used to being and not where I want to stay for any length of time.

My parents came yesterday and hauled my car back to their house for some major repairs. It was no easy thing for me to ask my parents for help, but at this point in my life, in these circumstances, I had no other options really and I'm so thankful that I have the kind of parents that will always be there for me. Unconditional love is an amazing thing.

As far as day-to-day life goes, the only thing that has remained constant from before losing my job is my rambling, 8-hour IM conversations with a friend. Without that, I may have really plunged into the depths and not returned to the surface because it's that 8-hour stretch, when everyone I know is working that really does a number on my head sometimes. But, this friend...he puts up with my moody ups and downs and remains a calming force in my life when everything else seems so unstable......and he does it just because we're friends, not because he knows I need that kind of an "anchor" at this particular moment in my life. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to repay him for the extreme kindness he has unintentionally shown me, but hopefully, one day, I'll have a chance to return the favor.

Well, I guess this could have been far more depressing, but I'm hoping it's my optimism and some of the kindest friends in the world keeping it to a minimum. I just have to hold on to my belief that nothing happens by accident........and maybe one day I'll understand this chapter in my life.

For now, I press on.


Jessican said...

gosh, this is going to sound stupid and immature and really quite naive, but once upon a time I was without a job and money and was struggling to pay rent and I found myself pretty much depressed and wondering how I would make it through...and about that time, I took a lowly job at B&N and found myself making very little money, but being enriched by the people around me. It was a great time in my life...just learning how to depend on other people and realizing that I couldn't do everything.

stargurrl13 said...

So true......and I will reiterate my belief that NOTHING happens by accident!

It's stories like yours that propel me forward.....I'm destined for greatness but I'm sure there are many lessons for me along the way.

Today was a much better day than yesterday!

Rebeckah said...

Oh friend! I can't begin to imagine what you are feeling right now, but I CAN imagine how wonderful it is to have parents that LOVE you and care about you no matter what happens in life. I know in my heart of hearts that God has a very specific plan for you and this time will surely pass. You will find a better job and you will be blessed beyond measure. I am praying! Praying constantly for the perfect job to come about!

Rebeckah said...

I just prayed for you today! I am asking God for something BIG and spectacular for you : ). Hope you have a Happy Saturday night that is filled with lots of singing and laughter...2 things that you are SO good at!

Rebeckah said...

I just prayed for a miracle for you today friend! : )!

Rebeckah said...

Hey friend o rama! I meant to write to you on facebook the other day when I saw your status about somthing nice being done for you : ). You deserve lots of nice things being done for you! I am SO happy : ) for you! Is it time for a new post?

Rebeckah said...

I just saw that your tree is up! I laughed out loud. I do kind of see your reasoning about why wait since you would have to put the decorations away and then get them right back out in...2 months. But whatever : ). If it makes you happy, then rock on!