I've been meaning to post for a few days, but just haven't been able to make myself. I don't want to write a post that is negative or sounds as if I'm wallowing but some of that can't be avoided. I'm trying so hard to maintain my optimism, but the simple truth is this: I feel really lousy....and I hate it, but please bear with this post because it won't be entirely depressing (I hope).
Three weeks ago I would have given my right arm for 2 weeks without having to go to work....the big difference is I don't have a job to return to and that, I'm finding, is very tough to handle. I never really thought that my self-worth and identity were so wrapped up in my job. I'm finding insecurities I never knew were there and I'm trying my best to learn to deal with those. For the most part, I do okay but there are times when it sneaks up, without any warning, and I find myself scraping bottom. Certainly not a place I'm used to being and not where I want to stay for any length of time.
My parents came yesterday and hauled my car back to their house for some major repairs. It was no easy thing for me to ask my parents for help, but at this point in my life, in these circumstances, I had no other options really and I'm so thankful that I have the kind of parents that will always be there for me. Unconditional love is an amazing thing.
As far as day-to-day life goes, the only thing that has remained constant from before losing my job is my rambling, 8-hour IM conversations with a friend. Without that, I may have really plunged into the depths and not returned to the surface because it's that 8-hour stretch, when everyone I know is working that really does a number on my head sometimes. But, this friend...he puts up with my moody ups and downs and remains a calming force in my life when everything else seems so unstable......and he does it just because we're friends, not because he knows I need that kind of an "anchor" at this particular moment in my life. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to repay him for the extreme kindness he has unintentionally shown me, but hopefully, one day, I'll have a chance to return the favor.
Well, I guess this could have been far more depressing, but I'm hoping it's my optimism and some of the kindest friends in the world keeping it to a minimum. I just have to hold on to my belief that nothing happens by accident........and maybe one day I'll understand this chapter in my life.
For now, I press on.