Thursday, August 4, 2011

Can I Have a Do Over, PLEASE?!?

A few short weeks ago I wrote about whether or not I would go back in time and change things if given the chance. Naively, I said I wouldn't. I've heard it said it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind so, I'm doing just that.

I want to go back in time to 3 weeks ago and change a weekend with Baby Boy. If I had known then what a disastrous effect those 2 days were going to have, I would have done everything differently. I would have taken him to hang with my friends in Norman like I had arranged. I would have shown him more of the everyday side of myself. I would have sheltered him from an infinitesimal part of my existence which he now thinks is my everyday life. He says that weekend didn't bother him, but my analytical virgo brain sees that everything started to slowly change immediately following that weekend.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I try to learn from them and move on. I recite The Starlight Manifesto (It is what it is; we are what we are; I can only be myself) and add the lessons of the mistake to life experience, but not this time. There's too much at stake for me and I don't even know if I can effectively explain why but I'll give it my best effort.

In a very short amount of time this man has given me the ability say and do things which I never would have considered doing before. Telling him how I feel about him, allowing him to witness my life in upheaval, fighting for myself, wishing I could change the past.....all things I never would have done before him. He made me feel that being odd-ball, neurotic Heather was a good thing.....desirable even.

I will regret that weekend forever and I don't want to add regret over not doing everything I can to try and make amends for it. I may have done irreparable damage, but I'm hoping he will give me a do-over.

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