Absolute Self-Indulgence

Wednesday was a tough day for me.
I hate not being able to write the blog I need to write. *

And yet, I'm trying.

I miss him.
I miss talking to him everyday.
I miss the ease with which our conversation would flow.
I miss saying the same things at the same time
I miss his bottom lip.
I feel bad for missing his bottom lip, as though it's not allowed.
I miss having lunch with him.
I miss 7 AM meetings.

I miss him.
I miss him and I feel bad bad about missing him
as if it's wrong and unacceptable to miss that which was such a large part of my daily life for over a year.
Past meetings, conversations and touches are all good memories for me.
I feel bad that my good memories are painful reminders to him.
I feel helpless and tolerated
I'm jealous of those women
[single women]
who get to enjoy his friendship while I'm not allowed.
I miss him and don't want to feel bad that my missing him
will be misinterpreted and mistaken for something it's not.

I'm broken.
It's harmless.
I miss him.

*[to the inconsiderate and foolish person who approached him before and made him feel threatened.....I know what you said to him (as if he and I are not still close enough he wouldn't tell me about it) and if it happens again, prepare for your world to change drastically. You got a free pass the first time, but I will not tolerate a second indiscretion on your part.]

Effectuating Change

Effectuating change. Is that really possible?

I believe so.

Maybe it's my optimistic view of the world which makes me think it's possible, but I really do believe all the small things one does to make the world a better place add up. Given recent circumstances in my life, I've become much more aware of those in need of help. I was fortunate to have parents who taught me the "Golden Rule" when I was little. It's such a basic concept, but so very true. If everyone would treat others the way they wanted to be treated, this world would be a better place.


Even with all the bad breaks I've had the past six months, all those things are temporary. I wake up healthy everyday and for that I'm so thankful. So many aren't that fortunate.


My friend, Nick Simpson, is doing his part to make this world a better place. He's part of a team of cyclists who will be riding from Houston to Austin in April to raise money and awareness for Multiple Sclerosis. This is a cause which hits close to home for me because my dear brother-in-law has an aunt who has been living with MS for decades. He also had an uncle who lived with MS for years before losing his battle.

Instead of trying to describe the many ways MS affects and afflicts those who have it, I will provide links to the National MS Society's page. But first, I'd like to make a personal request:

If you and your loved ones are healthy, please take a moment to visit Nick's donation page and consider making a donation. You can donate any amount you'd like.....even if it's as little as $1.00. Click HERE for Nick's page. You can see his goal and watch his progress towards it.



Thank you in advance for considering a donation. To learn more about MS. Click HERE. Knowledge is power.

Charity Begins at Home?

Although I don't watch much television, I'm constantly connected to the internet via my laptop or phone. It is impossible to escape the on-going reports of the devastation and the chaotic aftermath in Haiti.

It seems everyone (including my Farmville application on Facebook) is launching ways to aid those effected by this tragedy. It makes me proud to know America is still the country all eyes turn to in a crisis, but given my current situation, I think my perspective is a bit different than it would have been just 6 months ago.

Let me be clear by stating I understand our nation is best poised to help with a tragedy of such large proportions. But, for all the private citizens who have dug deep and made donations, I want to pose this question: "Where were those charitable dollars and an attitude to help a fellow human being 2 weeks ago? Two months ago?"

I know it's uncomfortable to confront the problems of poverty and homelessness.....especially in our own backyard, but I find it frustrating there are so many fellow Americans who have no idea where they will sleep tonight or where their next meal will come from. Many of these include families......children without a safe place to sleep.

I feel it's necessary for our Nation to help the people of Haiti, but charity should begin at home. It's hypocritical to open the pocket books for this tragedy while ignoring what's going on in our own home.

I urge you all the take the time to visit the website of the National Coalition for the Homeless for statistics on homelessness and ways to help.

Finally...My First Blog of 2010

I'm not really sure how to explain my lack of blogging over the past few months. One would think it would be easier to blog with so much "free time" on my hands, but that's just not the case. I really am an optimistic person and I'm convinced I have an over abundance of serotonin. The over abundance makes it virtually impossible for me to experience depression...even the common depression most people call the "blues". Lately though, I'm wondering if my inability to blog might be my version of the "blues".

Of course, if that's the worst I feel when I've been unemployed for 4 and a half months and am on the verge of losing the grip I have on the last bit of semblance of my former life, you'll not hear me complain. But, then again, maybe my lack of blogging comes from one of the many wise lessons my very wise mother taught me......"Heather, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

I know her words of wisdom are meant to keep one from saying mean and ugly things to another, but I feel it also helps one deal with difficult times in life if one chooses to filter all the bad things going on through this wise truth. Anyway, everyone knows I've always got some hair-brained theory bumping around in my noggin.....I guess this is just the latest.

Other things which have been on my mind are much weightier topics of which I'm unsure about being ready to discuss. Not because I don't want to share them yet, but rather, because I feel I need to do a bit more research to be as informed as I can before I possibly reveal my ignorance to the blogosphere. However, I don't mind throwing the subject matter out there so it can begin to marinate in one's mind as I begin to put my ducks in a row to write about these things.

Currently on my mind:

The homeless: How and where do they go to survive the bitter cold? Are some shelters more dangerous than others or are they all equally dangerous? How does one apply for jobs with no phone or address? Our attitude toward the homeless and unemployed: perception vs. reality.

Resources for single people with NO children: Why are there no government programs outside of unemployment for those who have chosen to be responsible and not get knocked up? Where do single people go when they have no where else to turn?

I know there are more topics which will probably come about once I delve into the research on these things, but for now, this is what I'll be working on. I've been hesitant to take on these topics as it might be hard to keep my optimistic approach given the subject matter, but as I'm an optimistic person and I'll be drawing on some of my own experiences, I think I'll be able to keep it on the optimistic side of things. I'm trying to boost awareness, not depress people.

I always welcome your comments and posts, but if you feel you have something to share and want to keep it between you and me, just send me a message.

Until the next blog.........grace and peace to you all.

It Is Done

I've been going through some old writing and I found this "gem" which was written about Pepe almost a decade ago. It made me chuckle while reading it and I decided to share it (and the laughs).

It is done--
I threw caution to the wind
through a crack in the window!

Funny--
How quickly the wind died
and came the deathly calm and silence.

The peace I formerly craved
now envelopes me
and I am inconsolable.

My mind races--
desperate to recapture
what has moved away on the breeze

But, no matter how fast I go,
I can't seem to catch that Elusive Wind
which has carried my hopes away.