A Time for Everything

It's no secret about the recurring theme which Unavailable Men have played in my life. I've started a project which has me spending some time immersed in memories and I've realized some interesting things only time spent as the "other woman" can give one. Although my time as the second string has given me better insight, many of the things I've discovered apply to every type of relationship. Family, friends, romantic, etc.....

I can remember once, in frustration, telling Pepe he needed to choose time with me when it was difficult to make happen. I didn't need him to do that every time, but I needed him to choose me, just once in awhile, so I could see my importance. For the record, he would do that. There were many times he chose to go with me when it could very well have made his life difficult when dealing with the girl who didn't know of my existence. Once we got beyond year 7, that began to change with us.....at least HE began to change. My importance began to wane.

The hard and honest truth is this. We make time for things which are important to us. It still makes me a bit sad to think I lost my importance with him, but often times the truth is painful. Rejection is never easy so I try to keep this in mind when dealing with those in my life. There are times when I really don't feel like talking on the phone, going out for a drink or attending a party but I'll do these things anyway. There are people who are important enough to MAKE the time to spend with them.

Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but I've been mulling this over for about 3 years and I keep coming back to that same, simple truth. I'll say it again. We make the time for the things/people which are important to us. Think about it.

It's a Fine Line

Lately I feel like I've lost my self identity. Maybe "lately" is a bit understated since I spent the better part of the last 10 years making adjustments to how I act and what I say so others feel comfortable and safe. And to be honest, I think that's a good thing to do, but at what point does it become too much? Where does one draw the line?

There's a fine line which separates the two extremes of everything. A fine line between love and hate, pleasure and pain, good and evil.......there's also a fine line between being true to one's self and being selfish. This one has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks and I'm trying to find the correct balance between the two. After all, isn't that what the fine line is; the balance one should strive to find? However, finding that balance and walking that fine line are often easier said than done.

Why should I feel selfish when I feel I've reached my tipping point when it comes to this fine line balance? The only thing I'm really good at is being myself and if I don't have that, it's very disconcerting. I'm not sure this is something I could even change since I've been doing it so long, but at least with the thought germinating in the back of my mind, I might be able to make it a bit more balanced.

A Continuing Struggle of Wants vs. Needs

This year has been a study in Wants vs. Needs for me. If you missed it and you're interested, you can read about it here. However, this struggle between wants and needs is a bit different.

I've been somewhat at odds with the Universe for a few months and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who feel as though they've also gotten a bad deal lately, but I'm tired of being resigned to my fate. Although the things I'm doing may not change how the Universe deals with me, I'm blogging about my side of things just to get my message out there.

I started with my "personal ad" and will build upon that. If there's any mistaking what it is I'm looking for, I can point to my blog archive as documentation. So, if the Universe ever sees fit to send an available man along who is actually attracted to me, here's my view on wants vs. needs as it pertains to relationships.

I can remember Pepe saying to me once, "You don't need anybody" and I guess that's true. There are very few things in life which are needed to survive.....and as cold as it may seem, another person isn't one of them. One may be sad or lonely but the heart will go on beating and the sun will continue to rise and set.

The bottom line is this. I'd much rather be wanted than needed. Want implies the person has a choice. Out of all the people in the world, that person chooses to be with me. Not out of some perceived necessity. A need is something you don't have a choice about, at least by definition. And although I think many people use the word "need" in place of "want", I think language should be used more deliberately.

I want to be wanted. It's really just that simple.

Female seeks Male

Youthful 39 yo woman with ever-changing hair color and tattoos seeks companion.

I am:
Formerly low-maintenance
Peace-seeking loner
Lover of stars and the night sky
Reader of books
Writer of blogs
Kind of a big deal
Prefers optimism
Excellent Cook
Fiercely loyal
Neurotic planner
Confirmed geek
Prefers mutually exclusive commitment over marriage
Prefers honesty over all else

You must be:
Available [that about sums it up]*

Oh....and you should agree that Empire Strikes Back is the best movie of the SW franchise.

*this means no girlfriends (live-in or otherwise), no fiances, no wives, no married but separated and not in negotiations.

Virtual Mix Tape, Volume 3

Usually, when something is bothering me, I write about it. However, at the moment, I can't begin to explain what it is that's eating at me because it's almost too ironic for words, so I will go to the music. Music can always calm me and help me feel as though the universe is in balance (although the universe and I still aren't on speaking terms at the moment).



1. Always Something There to Remind Me- Naked Eyes
I have always loved this song and, although the songs of the 80s aren't really know for their lyrical genius, this one has words to which most of us can relate.



2. Wichita Lineman- Glen Campbell
One of the all-time best music collaborations will always be Glen Campbell and Jimmy Webb. This is one of the best love songs ever written.





3. I Want You- Fefe Dobson
Some of my selections this volume are a bit melancholy, so I'm including this peppy song just to help balance. However, I do love this song despite all its bubblegum popishness.
"I'm gonna gonna make you mine!"





4. Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer- Joan Baez
"I thought you would go then come back home....."
Alas, I don't think that was so.





5. End Love- Ok Go
I couldn't leave Ok Go out because they are one of my favorites at the moment. They are probably the most creative musicians I have come across in a long time. They always make me smile.
" 'cause you know you gotta eventually make up your mind"
"So won't you, so won't you talk to me. It's time to decide"



6. Til I Kissed You- The Everly Brothers
For a girl who has loved singing harmony since I was a wee thing, the Everly Brothers were a dream to sing with. But, don't ask me to sing any of their songs by myself because I only know the harmony!
'Never had you on my mind, now you're there all the time...."




7. Forever Young- Bob Dylan
I used some of these lyrics on my birthday invitation a few years ago and it's a great example of why I think Bob is one of the best song writers ever.




8. Top of the World- Patty Griffin
Had to include some Patty because she always speaks to my heart and makes me feel better. The world is a more beautiful place because of the songs she has given us and I love her for that.
"I wish I had known you, I wish I had shown you all of the things I was on the inside....."




9. Hey You- Heart
I love this song for so many reasons not the least of which is that Nancy plays the autoharp!
"I swear by my September stars/I will go where you are going/Forever's never very far/As my love is overflowing"




10. Tribulations- LCD Soundsystem
This band has such an eclectic and retro sound, there's no way I wasn't going to love them.
"You try making me wait....."