I've Got a Secret.....

Well, I've got a secret crush.

It doesn't matter how old I get, I absolutely love the feeling I get when I first start to like someone and they show an interest as well.

Why so secretive? Because who knows if it'll pan out or turn into anything substantial....I'm just drafting off the excitement for the moment.

And goodness knows I need something good like this after the experience of the last 8 years.

And.....I promise to let you all in on more details if anything more develops!

[Imagine me singing, "I've Got a Crush on You"]

An Open Letter to Sugar D

Dear Sugar D,



After reading your e-mail this afternoon entitled, "Hey", I thought of a few things I wanted to clarify but decided they were best discussed out in the "open" given your propensity to misinterpret what I'm saying.....even when I go out of my way to articulately and succinctly explain what I need you to know.



I would have said some of this in my e-mail response to your finite epistle, but then my readers wouldn't have the joy of seeing what a self described "dick" you are. [for the record, I sincerely doubt you'll wander over here to read this anyway......but it will be cathartic for me, to get these things off my chest]



Firstly, from the beginning, you and I were flirtatious, to say the least. In fact, I'd go so far as to say flirting was the basis of the beginning of our friendship (please bear in mind a friendship is one of the many types of relationships, so don't flip out if, further in this letter, I refer to our association as a relationship). Before embarking on this fantastic voyage you and I have shared, I paused (as any self respecting, cautious, virgo would do) and made it a point to gain some assurance from you about my concerns the steps we were about to take could have a major impact on our fledgling friendship. Let me remind you with some dialog from our HUGE IM archive: [AND....although I'm pretty vexed at the moment, I'll continue to protect your identity, even though you don't deserve that kindness after the mistreatment you've given me over the past month]



Monday, Sept 15, 2008

stargurrl13 (3:28:52 PM): okay.....before I send this.....
b***********(3:28:59 PM): yes...
stargurrl13 (3:29:41 PM): .....I need to know things won't get "weird"....I like our rapport and don't want that to change AT ALL
stargurrl13 (3:29:45 PM): dig?
b*********** (3:29:56 PM): i dig
b*********** (3:30:06 PM): we just two wild and crazy kids...having fun



Seriously......I know it was 9 months ago, but was I unclear about my hesitation to take it to the next level??? And, if you didn't understand, you should have asked me to explain it more PLAINLY.



Secondly, I'm sorry about the extreme guilt you feel over cheating on your girlfriend, but you are an adult and you weren't forced to make those choices. More from the IM archive!



Monday, Sept 22nd, 2008:

b*********** (3:48:51 PM): i dont want to mess up our friendship/**** relationship etc!
b*********** (3:48:55 PM): you understand i am sure
b*********** (3:49:12 PM): i hope it wouldnt, but scary to take the chance...you know
stargurrl13 (3:49:35 PM): I do understand.....doesn't make it any easier for me
stargurrl13 (3:49:49 PM): ...I get kind of pouty.
stargurrl13 (3:49:56 PM): ...but I'll live
b*********** (3:50:02 PM): don't get pouty on me!
b*********** (3:50:19 PM): i would do it in a second if i didnt have a ding dong live in girlfriend....
b*********** (3:50:33 PM): i just really have to wrestle it
b*********** (3:50:51 PM): i would love to...i think about it a lot...prolly too much...you know
stargurrl13 (3:51:26 PM): it's definitely something that should be considered...there's more of a risk for you, for sure and I can totally appreciate that.
stargurrl13 (3:51:50 PM): ...I just don't want you to think I'm pressuring you in any way
b*********** (3:52:21 PM): you're not. i love it. i'm having so much fun and it really makes me smile and happy and i look forward to coming to **** and such
stargurrl13 (3:52:31 PM): same here
b*********** (3:52:42 PM): i obviously have no intention of hurting you, or c-snatch* for that matter...so that is where the brakes come in *[name changed to further protect Sugar D]
b*********** (3:53:05 PM): if we did it, then things got awkward it would just suck!!!!!
stargurrl13 (3:53:29 PM): that would suck.....
stargurrl13 (3:54:01 PM): however, I just don't see that happening....hard to explain...has to do with gut instinct....
stargurrl13 (3:54:27 PM): but things are cool the way they are, too
stargurrl13 (3:54:31 PM): very fun
b*********** (3:54:51 PM): we're gonna have to jump off that bridge when we come to it...
b*********** (3:55:09 PM): cuz i looking forward to the day we get to act all this out....
stargurrl13 (3:55:18 PM): me too!

Please notice how I expressed concern you would think I was pressuring you......and how I assured you things were cool they way they were. I won't publish the millions of times I would tell you, "I'm following your lead....as always, I take my cues from you." So.....you screwed around on your girlfriend and enjoyed it....and now you feel guilty. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't see how it is my responsibility to keep you from feeling that guilt. This was well discussed territory between us LONG before we put any action to our "association".

Thirdly, (and related to my incredulity over your inference I'm responsible for your guilt), time and again, starting with the word document I sent you which outlined the seven points written to set you at ease about the changing nature of our "association", I have assured you my intentions were NOT to break you and c-snatch up.......in fact, I went out of my way to help keep our secrets. I mean, really, what other girl have you been with who secured a pre-determined escape route from your home in the event c-snatch should come home earlier than expected? I'm guessing NONE! [Let me take this opportunity to point out just how very lucky you are to have been "associated" with one as reasonable and non-psycho as me. You do realize, if I were so inclined, a trip to your home and a short visit with c-snatch would ensure the demise of that relationship. Again......that's not my style and something I would never do. I know you understand this.......but I did want to point it out since this open letter might appear a bit harsh to some]

Lastly, from the beginning, I said when push came to shove, at the end of the day, it was about friendship. You and I have a lot in common and it was established over and over we were friends first and friendship didn't amount to "strings". I've explained over and over how I'm a master at compartmentalizing my feelings and even though it has been explained, you continue to believe everything I do or say is motivated by some undying love for you. Please......give me a break. This wasn't my first rodeo and I knew what I was getting into from the start. You, however, were in way over your head and couldn't take the time to admit it.

Lest you think I only have bad feelings towards you at the moment, let me say, I will forever be grateful for the extreme kindness and tenderness you showed me during my weeks of unemployment. I do not say this lightly or as an exaggeration but, your constant attention and care during that time saved my life. And for that reason, I truly mourn the fact that you are unable to maintain your end of the bargain and remain close friends.

I think the insult to the injury was the fact you actually believe your email hurt my feelings and you think I can't imagine my life without you in it. Your email only served to raise my ire enough to publicly (while still protecting your identity) call you out about your dick-ishness. I don't know if you'll ever realize, Sugar Dick, the unjust way you've treated me, but that's truly not my concern. I kept every part of every promise I made to you and I will not apologize or feel guilty about it. My advice to you about your guilt.......Let it go!

Constant as the Northern Star,
stargurrl13

ps.......thanks for the pics!

It's Good to Come Home!

Ok, so maybe a return to regular blogging isn't "home", but the feeling is the same. And, don't think for an instant my absence from the blogosphere was because I had nothing to write about....I just needed a break from the "white noise" for awhile.

But....

I'm better, I'm back! [for those who love the movie "Burn After Reading"]

The nice, sunny weather has had a lovely impact on my mood and spending time playing with my badass dog, Reggie Rawkstar always makes me smile. I've reconnected with some long-lost childhood friends and have had several opportunities to to travel the 2 hours to visit and spend time with my huge and lovable family.

I won't bore you with details of Pepe and Sugar D and all the happenings surrounding the unique aspect they lend to my daily existence......but suffice it to say, they're both still around, in the their ever-changing capacities. Men! I don't understand them anymore today than I did when I was 14, but they're oh so cute, so I've learned Resistance is futile.....and trying to understand the differences can drive a girl to drink!

Oh how I've missed blogging, but I'm much better for the time away. Hopefully some good writing will follow!

Peace to you all!