I've been seeing my therapist for 3 months now. Although I was reluctant to accept the initial diagnosis, I am pleased and a bit surprised at how effective it has been in helping me understand and, most times, avoid the anxiety/panic attacks I was having. As recently as 5 weeks ago, the constant pain and sadness was still making me want to just fade away so I wasn't too hopeful I would ever get beyond the feelings of sadness and panic, let alone ever feel happy again.
But something happened.
I continued to follow my therapist's recommendations, despite my gloom and doom feelings, and my panic attacks started to wane. Then I noticed my aggressive need to punch and destroy things had slowly faded as well. I woke up a few weeks ago and realized I felt completely normal. It took awhile to comprehend what that feeling was and I really expected it to be just a small reprieve from my sadness before it would pick up where it left off. I tentatively went about my day waiting for the melancholy or anger to descend at any moment but it didn't. I've not had a full blown panic attack nor have I punched any thing since February12th. As far as my depression and sadness goes, it comes and goes but the intervals of sadness are getting shorter and much less painful and the amount of time I feel like my old self continues to increase. I still have days where I'm overwhelmed if I encounter any unexpected emotions and it causes my behavior to be a bit erratic which stresses me out just a bit but I''m getting better at controlling those reactions. I really can't explain the relief I feel knowing it is absolutely possible for me be completely happy again someday and that makes the bouts of sadness a bit easier to endure.
I feel like the girl who lived.
The month of March is full of dates that bring a range of emotions. Most of them are good emotion remembrances that will most likely help combat my sadness but getting past the one year mark since my nephew died I know will be difficult. I'm a little more than apprehensive about unnecessary grief that could come from unexpected media coverage and insensitive people on social media. I'm contemplating a total disconnect from all forms of media to smooth the way for that day as much as possible. I want to spend the day remembering my sweet Sugar Max with the 18 years of memories I have. There will be time enough after that day has passed to resume my forward progress with my Acute Stress Disorder and the looming unknown of April.
Showing posts with label Sugar Max. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sugar Max. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Thursday, January 18, 2018
A New Perspective: In Memorium Through a Different Lens
I've written about my friend Becky many times over the years and about the lasting impact her life and death have had on me. Today marks 30 years since she died and although much of how I feel about Becky and honoring her friendship and memory remains the same, some of my perspective has changed as a result of losing my nephew because he was nearly the same age as Becky when she died.
The original post that I'll be pulling excerpts from can be read HERE.
As an auntie, it's so important for me to keep Max's memory alive. I think of he children his siblings will have and I want to help them know their Uncle Max. I want people to hear my nephew's beautiful singing voice and know what a talented guitarist he was. I don't know if any of his friends feel this way, but if my own experience has taught me anything, there are friends who's lives he touched who will always keep his memory alive.
For years I wondered if any of Becky's family would see the remembrances we would leave on her grave and find comfort that friends from Oklahoma not only thought of her but would make the trip to remember her more than 20 years after her passing. When I visit Max's resting place and see little things his friends leave, I feel so much comfort and now understand that Becky's family certainly found comfort in the things we would leave.
It's hard to believe it has been 30 years and given the struggles I have had regarding loss, remembering Becky and drawing some parallels has been good for me. I hope in 30 years one of Max's friends will be thinking of him and the impact he had on their life. I'm so thankful for everything Becky brought to my life and continues to bring.
The original post that I'll be pulling excerpts from can be read HERE.
On January 18, 1988, Becky was killed in an accident on her way back to school from having gone to retrieve a yearbook layout she had forgotten at home. I had seen her in the hall that morning as I was rushing to my first class and we exchanged a few words about the exciting things happening in our boy-crazy, high school lives and promised to find time later in the day to really discuss all our news.......but that was the last time I ever spoke to Becky.I was 16 when this happened and mortality rarely enters one's mind at that age. It felt so open-ended without any chance for closure. In the days following Max's death, I remember reading the things his friends were posting and I knew exactly how they felt. Many of his friends connected with me on social media and I think it helps all of us in different ways to ease the pain of a sudden loss.
Because of Becky's kindness to everyone, I try to be the kind of friend to my friends and those I meet that she was to me. I feel this is the best way to honor her memory and keep part of her alive.
As an auntie, it's so important for me to keep Max's memory alive. I think of he children his siblings will have and I want to help them know their Uncle Max. I want people to hear my nephew's beautiful singing voice and know what a talented guitarist he was. I don't know if any of his friends feel this way, but if my own experience has taught me anything, there are friends who's lives he touched who will always keep his memory alive.
Becky is still very much a part of [our] lives and friendship. We try to make fairly regular trips to her final resting place in Missouri and hope her family finds comfort in knowing how much we loved her, too.
For years I wondered if any of Becky's family would see the remembrances we would leave on her grave and find comfort that friends from Oklahoma not only thought of her but would make the trip to remember her more than 20 years after her passing. When I visit Max's resting place and see little things his friends leave, I feel so much comfort and now understand that Becky's family certainly found comfort in the things we would leave.
It's hard to believe it has been 30 years and given the struggles I have had regarding loss, remembering Becky and drawing some parallels has been good for me. I hope in 30 years one of Max's friends will be thinking of him and the impact he had on their life. I'm so thankful for everything Becky brought to my life and continues to bring.
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Dealing with Loss
This may be the most difficult thing I've ever tried to write. And if you're reading this, I finally hit the "publish" button.
I will be the first to admit that I've lived a pretty charmed life when it comes to loss. Until losing my father in 2016, I'd never known any profound sadness and had never even remotely felt any depression. In fact, there are many times I wrote about my extreme optimism and my feeling that I might not even be ABLE to be depressed. I think that may be one of the main reasons it took me so long to realize I wasn't just dealing with depression associated with grief. I honestly thought that once I got past the one year mark I would start to come out of my funk. I was wrong. It got worse and there were days that I would only move from my bed to make sure my mother was taken care of and had something to eat. Then I would head back to my cocoon so I could hide from and protect myself from feeling anything but the dull ache in my heart.
At the end of March, my 18 year old nephew was taken from us suddenly and the nature of his death was fairly violent. Instead of falling deeper into depression, I was suddenly out of my funk and moving with a purpose again. I knew I had to live every bit of life that I had because my nephew no longer could. I felt as though I had been pulled from the flames of a burning building! My life had been saved from the downward spiral of depression and I felt young....as though I had been reborn. That feeling lasted about 3 week and I was unaware that I was operating on adrenaline from the sudden shock. As the adrenaline high subsided, I began to spiral back down into my deep depression but as the days and weeks passed, I could tell something was different. The most noticeable was my anger. At first I just thought I was finally moving through my grief but I was noticing that this anger came with an aggression that made this life-long pacifist want to throat punch or put my knee to a groin. I felt like I would be better if I could just destroy things. Swipe everything off the table and shelves, upend all the furniture and smash all windows and TVs. This anger tinged with violence started to scare me because I couldn't control when I felt or for how long. As the months passed, I also developed irrational fears that wold bring on anxiety attacks. That was what made me start to think I was going crazy. As one who has always been level-headed and calm, it seems 100 times worse because friends and some family would suddenly find themselves on the receiving end of one of the panic attacks and I had neither an explanation for my bizarre behavior nor an excuse for my inability to control or calm the attack once it had started.
This past November after a particularly emotional weekend away from my day-to-day life, I felt bombarded with every type of emotion. Most of them were good, but a few were difficult and sad but it was probably the first time I had allowed myself to fully feel ANY type of emotion since February 2016. Once those flood gates were opened, I couldn't staunch the flow and that's when I thought about fading away....ceasing to exist. That's when I knew something was very wrong and beyond my control.
It wasn't easy, but I went to see a therapist and after a brief explanation of the crazy and uncontrollable things I was feeling. After 15 minutes the therapist told me I had Acute Stress Disorder.
What is Acute Stress Disorder? It turns out that it's a mild form of PTSD. In an instant I felt ridiculous....like some frivolous little girl. How on earth could I have anything even remotely resembling PTSD? I kept thinking......that can't be. I'm not even the one who lost their son. I'm not the one who is living like half or them was removed when their spouse died. I was just a girl who had always been incredibly stable and sane who had lost her father and her nephew.
My therapist sent me home with an assignment to read about Acute Stress Disorder. As soon as I read a textbook definition, I knew that he was 100% correct with his diagnosis and I felt just a little bit of the craziness leave my weary mind. I have a lot of work to do and the worst part of my panic disorder is the impending sense of loss that I feel looming constantly, just waiting to swoop in and take away another person from my life. It's likely this feeling will not even begin to subside until after April. My subconscious perceives a pattern of loss [my father in Feb 2016; my nephew in March 2017, and ??? in April 2018] Just typing that has my anxiety building and I can feel my limbs shaking as my heart races.
To any of you who have been on the receiving end of one of these attacks, I am trying to get to each of you personally to apologize and explain. For now, when I feel as though I'm about to lose someone, I focus on the type of loss I'm panicked over. As my therapist points out.....all loss besides death can be regained, found, added back to you. And focusing on the difference in the types of loss have made it much more manageable in my mind.
At times this diagnosis still seems a bit ridiculous but I know I already feel better than I did and I might get through this without losing too many of my marbles. Be kind to each other and be mindful that everyone has something unseen to others that's a burden they must bear on their own each day.
I will be the first to admit that I've lived a pretty charmed life when it comes to loss. Until losing my father in 2016, I'd never known any profound sadness and had never even remotely felt any depression. In fact, there are many times I wrote about my extreme optimism and my feeling that I might not even be ABLE to be depressed. I think that may be one of the main reasons it took me so long to realize I wasn't just dealing with depression associated with grief. I honestly thought that once I got past the one year mark I would start to come out of my funk. I was wrong. It got worse and there were days that I would only move from my bed to make sure my mother was taken care of and had something to eat. Then I would head back to my cocoon so I could hide from and protect myself from feeling anything but the dull ache in my heart.
At the end of March, my 18 year old nephew was taken from us suddenly and the nature of his death was fairly violent. Instead of falling deeper into depression, I was suddenly out of my funk and moving with a purpose again. I knew I had to live every bit of life that I had because my nephew no longer could. I felt as though I had been pulled from the flames of a burning building! My life had been saved from the downward spiral of depression and I felt young....as though I had been reborn. That feeling lasted about 3 week and I was unaware that I was operating on adrenaline from the sudden shock. As the adrenaline high subsided, I began to spiral back down into my deep depression but as the days and weeks passed, I could tell something was different. The most noticeable was my anger. At first I just thought I was finally moving through my grief but I was noticing that this anger came with an aggression that made this life-long pacifist want to throat punch or put my knee to a groin. I felt like I would be better if I could just destroy things. Swipe everything off the table and shelves, upend all the furniture and smash all windows and TVs. This anger tinged with violence started to scare me because I couldn't control when I felt or for how long. As the months passed, I also developed irrational fears that wold bring on anxiety attacks. That was what made me start to think I was going crazy. As one who has always been level-headed and calm, it seems 100 times worse because friends and some family would suddenly find themselves on the receiving end of one of the panic attacks and I had neither an explanation for my bizarre behavior nor an excuse for my inability to control or calm the attack once it had started.
This past November after a particularly emotional weekend away from my day-to-day life, I felt bombarded with every type of emotion. Most of them were good, but a few were difficult and sad but it was probably the first time I had allowed myself to fully feel ANY type of emotion since February 2016. Once those flood gates were opened, I couldn't staunch the flow and that's when I thought about fading away....ceasing to exist. That's when I knew something was very wrong and beyond my control.
It wasn't easy, but I went to see a therapist and after a brief explanation of the crazy and uncontrollable things I was feeling. After 15 minutes the therapist told me I had Acute Stress Disorder.
What is Acute Stress Disorder? It turns out that it's a mild form of PTSD. In an instant I felt ridiculous....like some frivolous little girl. How on earth could I have anything even remotely resembling PTSD? I kept thinking......that can't be. I'm not even the one who lost their son. I'm not the one who is living like half or them was removed when their spouse died. I was just a girl who had always been incredibly stable and sane who had lost her father and her nephew.
My therapist sent me home with an assignment to read about Acute Stress Disorder. As soon as I read a textbook definition, I knew that he was 100% correct with his diagnosis and I felt just a little bit of the craziness leave my weary mind. I have a lot of work to do and the worst part of my panic disorder is the impending sense of loss that I feel looming constantly, just waiting to swoop in and take away another person from my life. It's likely this feeling will not even begin to subside until after April. My subconscious perceives a pattern of loss [my father in Feb 2016; my nephew in March 2017, and ??? in April 2018] Just typing that has my anxiety building and I can feel my limbs shaking as my heart races.
To any of you who have been on the receiving end of one of these attacks, I am trying to get to each of you personally to apologize and explain. For now, when I feel as though I'm about to lose someone, I focus on the type of loss I'm panicked over. As my therapist points out.....all loss besides death can be regained, found, added back to you. And focusing on the difference in the types of loss have made it much more manageable in my mind.
At times this diagnosis still seems a bit ridiculous but I know I already feel better than I did and I might get through this without losing too many of my marbles. Be kind to each other and be mindful that everyone has something unseen to others that's a burden they must bear on their own each day.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
A Poetry Month post for my Sweet Sugar Max
April is National Poetry Month and I always try to share at least one poem with my friends and family either through a blog or a post on social media. I have always loved poetry but I also understand that some just don't get it. It makes me a bit sad for them and has often caused me to try and rally the resistant masses and help them learn to love (or at least gain a small appreciation of) poetry. I've even written poetry to help champion this cause and if you're interested, you can read those poems HERE.
Fortunately for his family and friends, Max (short for Maxwell) posted several short videos of himself singing and playing the guitar. I visit and listen often and have come to view his instagram account as my very own Mirror of Erised. [If you're not a Potterhead, that's a nerd reference to something from the Sorcerer's Stone]
Feel free to listen to my Sugar Max. He's not even been gone a month and it feels like an eternity so far.
Notes:
1. As a toddler and young child, before Max was diagnosed but had peculiarities unlike any of his siblings. He didn't like to wear underwear, citing when he could speak that the elastic band bothered him. He would complain that the water of a shower hurt and when siblings would respond to him in a normal tone of voice he would say, "quit shouting".
This April has been particularly difficult. The sudden death of my 18 year old nephew has me heartbroken but resolute. I will miss him the rest of my life but I am determined to live, love and feel as much as I can since he can no longer do those things. My nephew, Max, was a gifted individual. Having been burdened with high functioning Aspberger's syndrome [1], he was also blessed with a talent for music and art.
Because of Max's love for music, I have decided to share lyrics (poetry set to music, in my opinion) to honor the memory of my sweet Sugar Max and to share some of his talent with those who choose to read and listen. The way I hear music changed forever when my nephew left this world. Although music has always been a huge part of our lives with my entire family, I listen to songs I have loved for years and wonder, "Why didn't I ever share that song with Max? He would have loved it and I would have loved to hear him sing it." The lyric poem I am sharing is one of those I wish I had shared with him. Not only is it one I have loved for decades, the words are poignantly relevant and speak to the loss my family feels so deeply.
If These Walls Could Speak by Jimmy Webb (recorded first by the great Glen Campbell)
They would tell you that I'm sorry
For bein' cold and blind and weak
They would tell you that it's only
That I have a stubborn streak
If these walls could speak
If you are still not feeling the lyrical poetry love, here's a great recording of Glen and Jimmy from their album, In Session which I recommend you find it and listen to the entire album.....it's solid gold!
Because of Max's love for music, I have decided to share lyrics (poetry set to music, in my opinion) to honor the memory of my sweet Sugar Max and to share some of his talent with those who choose to read and listen. The way I hear music changed forever when my nephew left this world. Although music has always been a huge part of our lives with my entire family, I listen to songs I have loved for years and wonder, "Why didn't I ever share that song with Max? He would have loved it and I would have loved to hear him sing it." The lyric poem I am sharing is one of those I wish I had shared with him. Not only is it one I have loved for decades, the words are poignantly relevant and speak to the loss my family feels so deeply.
If These Walls Could Speak by Jimmy Webb (recorded first by the great Glen Campbell)
If these old walls, if these old walls could speak
What a tale they'd have to tell, hard headed people raisin' hell
A couple in love livin' week to week
Rooms full of laughter, if these old walls could speak
A couple in love livin' week to week
Rooms full of laughter, if these old walls could speak
If these old halls, if hallowed halls could talk
These would have a tale to tell, the sun goin' down and dinner bells
And children playin' at hide and seek
From floor to rafters, if these old walls could speak
These would have a tale to tell, the sun goin' down and dinner bells
And children playin' at hide and seek
From floor to rafters, if these old walls could speak
They would tell you that I'm sorry
For bein' cold and blind and weak
They would tell you that it's only
That I have a stubborn streak
If these walls could speak
If these old fashioned window panes were eyes
I guess they would have seen it all
Each little tear and sigh and footfall
I guess they would have seen it all
Each little tear and sigh and footfall
And every dream that we came to seek or followed after
If these walls could speak
They would tell you that I owe you
More than I could ever pay
Here's someone who really loves you
Don't ever go away
That's what these walls would say
More than I could ever pay
Here's someone who really loves you
Don't ever go away
That's what these walls would say
They would tell you that I owe you
More than I could ever pay
Here's someone who really loves you
Don't ever go away
That's what these walls would say
More than I could ever pay
Here's someone who really loves you
Don't ever go away
That's what these walls would say
That's what these walls would say
That's what these walls would say
That's what these walls would say
If you are still not feeling the lyrical poetry love, here's a great recording of Glen and Jimmy from their album, In Session which I recommend you find it and listen to the entire album.....it's solid gold!
Fortunately for his family and friends, Max (short for Maxwell) posted several short videos of himself singing and playing the guitar. I visit and listen often and have come to view his instagram account as my very own Mirror of Erised. [If you're not a Potterhead, that's a nerd reference to something from the Sorcerer's Stone]
Feel free to listen to my Sugar Max. He's not even been gone a month and it feels like an eternity so far.
Notes:
1. As a toddler and young child, before Max was diagnosed but had peculiarities unlike any of his siblings. He didn't like to wear underwear, citing when he could speak that the elastic band bothered him. He would complain that the water of a shower hurt and when siblings would respond to him in a normal tone of voice he would say, "quit shouting".
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