As my 40th birthday is looming, I've been contemplating how to blog about this impending event. Turning 40 is something I've been anticipating, looking forward to even, since I was 5 years old. I'm not freaked out by the number as an age because I simply don't feel old. In fact, sometimes I feel downright childish! But instead of writing about any of that, I want to write about some things I've learned about myself over the last 5 years. Some of them I may have blogged about, but all are very fresh in my mind and relevant as I approach the milestone of turning 40.
Things I've Learned
Choosing to be happy- My mother was right! Life is what you make it and happiness is a choice. Even when things seemed bleak, throughout it all, I have been happy!
The difference between wants and needs- There are very few things in life which are necessities...everything else is just gravy!
Having a job I love is worth more than any paycheck- Life is too short to mess with a job I dread going to everyday.
Making pathways through emotional walls and allowing myself to be emotionally accessible- This one is fairly new and still a bit scary, but I'm learning and getting better about this each day.
My decade with Pepe wasn't wasted- It taught me the importance of the truth listed right above this one!
My parents are the best parents in the universe- Hands down, I know this is the truth. I'm thankful everyday for the unconditional love they always give me.
My friends are like family- Blood may be thicker than water, but I have the most amazing friends.
I have a novel in me that is a story worth writing- It may take another year to finish it, but I like the story I'm telling and I think there are some who will find it entertaining and enjoyable.
I can only be myself- Okay, I've known this for many years but it's just as true today. Being myself is the only thing I'm really good at.......and I like that just fine!
All-in-all, I'm in a good place as I prepare to start a new decade in my life. I want to live better, give more freely and love more deeply. I guess it helps to be an eternal optimist when looking hopefully into the face of the future, but since Life is what I make it, things will be great!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
An Open Letter the The Universe
Vast Universe,
I feel I have been more than patient with you over the last quarter of a century but now I am giving formal notice of my absolute and total disgust over the blatantly unfair treatment you've given me with continuing to send me unavailables or those who were destined to become unavailables. For the first decade, I didn't realize what was happening was the beginning of a cruel pattern, but the last 5 years have made it painfully clear and I'm OVER IT!
I know there are 2 sides to every relationship story and ours is no different. I realize my temperament and practicality make me a much easier target for this sort of thing, but how you have behaved is unacceptable. When I realized you were toying with me, I quit speaking to you in the hopes that you would see the error of your ways and back off. When that didn't work, I made a clean break with you and posted exactly what I was looking for and I think I was more than clear about that when I wrote my personal ad. Seriously.......was that unclear?!?!? NO, it wasn't.
It wasn't enough that you sent me dozens of unavailable men over the last 25 years, you had to up your meanness ante and start sending available men who actually pursued me only to pull the rug out from under me as I let my guard down and they choose someone else. Seriously....WTF?
Bollocks! Shenanigans! Shame on you!!!!
As I've said, I've been more than patient and fair with you but you refuse to neither cut me a break nor leave me alone so I have no choice but to publicly let you know that I will be fighting back. You may not be concerned as I'm so level-headed and incapable of playing the part of the psycho-girl, but be warned. I'm coming for you and hell's coming with me!
Sincerely,
Me
I feel I have been more than patient with you over the last quarter of a century but now I am giving formal notice of my absolute and total disgust over the blatantly unfair treatment you've given me with continuing to send me unavailables or those who were destined to become unavailables. For the first decade, I didn't realize what was happening was the beginning of a cruel pattern, but the last 5 years have made it painfully clear and I'm OVER IT!
I know there are 2 sides to every relationship story and ours is no different. I realize my temperament and practicality make me a much easier target for this sort of thing, but how you have behaved is unacceptable. When I realized you were toying with me, I quit speaking to you in the hopes that you would see the error of your ways and back off. When that didn't work, I made a clean break with you and posted exactly what I was looking for and I think I was more than clear about that when I wrote my personal ad. Seriously.......was that unclear?!?!? NO, it wasn't.
It wasn't enough that you sent me dozens of unavailable men over the last 25 years, you had to up your meanness ante and start sending available men who actually pursued me only to pull the rug out from under me as I let my guard down and they choose someone else. Seriously....WTF?
Bollocks! Shenanigans! Shame on you!!!!
As I've said, I've been more than patient and fair with you but you refuse to neither cut me a break nor leave me alone so I have no choice but to publicly let you know that I will be fighting back. You may not be concerned as I'm so level-headed and incapable of playing the part of the psycho-girl, but be warned. I'm coming for you and hell's coming with me!
Sincerely,
Me
Friday, August 12, 2011
Good, Good Day
I've been blogging on a regular basis for about 6 years. In that time I've referred often to my Happy List. I've had a difficult time dealing with some emotions over the past few weeks and in an effort to change all that, I did what I know works best. I got up, got out and did things which make me happy.
Today, quite by accident my friend and I stumbled upon a place beyond what I could have ever imagined. A place with tons and tons of glass. The place looked a bit run down but not deserted, so we parked, walked into the yard and the amazement started to settle upon us.
We wandered around the front yard looking at beds and beds of glass "rocks" of various colors and any size imaginable. I felt like a kid in a candy store!
We explored the many wonders the front lawn had to offer before we reached the front door and still, no workers were in sight. There were signs about camera surveillance, but I didn't see anything which could have been used to record anything today, let alone 20 years ago.
Once inside, we wandered around for a good 15 minutes before we heard the sounds of someone coming in from the back. That's when we met Frankie, the son of the owner. Frankie is retired but still works for his dad. We assumed he would ask us if we were interested in buying anything but instead he started to tell us the history of the place we had happened upon.
Frankie was a delightful man who makes interesting noises of which he is totally unaware. Little grunts and groans punctuated his monologue and just made it more interesting. As his verbal history drew to a close he asked if we wanted to see the "back".
"Yes!!!"
So, off we traipsed, following a total stranger into a dark warehouse without any qualms. The first stop was a short aside to show us how some of the glass looks under a black light and then we entered the workshop. By-in-large, the space was fairly empty; used for storage over the years since the custom chopper parts shop quit renting the space. As we neared the back, we could see Frank's 87 year old dad, soaked to the skin in sweat, hoisting a huge steel tub filled with glass he had melted together. We walked along the row of kilns used to liquefy and combine the bits of glass into a solid chunk at 1,900 degrees.
Beyond the shop doors we could see the mountains of glass from which they would gather the pieces to be melted into the unique rocks we had seen at the front.
The glass they use comes from glass plants in the United States, but sadly, the last of those have closed and once the glass they have on hand has been utilized, this 35 year old family business will cease to exist. Take a moment to look at their Facebook page and the beautiful and amazing ways glass can be used in landscaping and architecture.
Today, quite by accident my friend and I stumbled upon a place beyond what I could have ever imagined. A place with tons and tons of glass. The place looked a bit run down but not deserted, so we parked, walked into the yard and the amazement started to settle upon us.
We wandered around the front yard looking at beds and beds of glass "rocks" of various colors and any size imaginable. I felt like a kid in a candy store!
We explored the many wonders the front lawn had to offer before we reached the front door and still, no workers were in sight. There were signs about camera surveillance, but I didn't see anything which could have been used to record anything today, let alone 20 years ago.
Once inside, we wandered around for a good 15 minutes before we heard the sounds of someone coming in from the back. That's when we met Frankie, the son of the owner. Frankie is retired but still works for his dad. We assumed he would ask us if we were interested in buying anything but instead he started to tell us the history of the place we had happened upon.
Frankie was a delightful man who makes interesting noises of which he is totally unaware. Little grunts and groans punctuated his monologue and just made it more interesting. As his verbal history drew to a close he asked if we wanted to see the "back".
"Yes!!!"
So, off we traipsed, following a total stranger into a dark warehouse without any qualms. The first stop was a short aside to show us how some of the glass looks under a black light and then we entered the workshop. By-in-large, the space was fairly empty; used for storage over the years since the custom chopper parts shop quit renting the space. As we neared the back, we could see Frank's 87 year old dad, soaked to the skin in sweat, hoisting a huge steel tub filled with glass he had melted together. We walked along the row of kilns used to liquefy and combine the bits of glass into a solid chunk at 1,900 degrees.
Beyond the shop doors we could see the mountains of glass from which they would gather the pieces to be melted into the unique rocks we had seen at the front.
The glass they use comes from glass plants in the United States, but sadly, the last of those have closed and once the glass they have on hand has been utilized, this 35 year old family business will cease to exist. Take a moment to look at their Facebook page and the beautiful and amazing ways glass can be used in landscaping and architecture.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Karaoke Klunkers
Talent Quest is once again upon us and I find myself submerged in more karaoke than normal (and let's be honest, "normal" for me is probably once a week). From the beginning of August 'til the end of September the amount of concentrated karaoke will average out to about 8 hours a day. Talent Quest draws so many talented singers, but having worked for a year in a karaoke bar and being on staff with a national karaoke competition for 6 years, there are just some songs I absolutely hate to hear. Mostly it has nothing with how well a person sings, but rather the amount of times I've had to hear it and/or horrible lyrics.
So, here's my list of Top 10 Most Hated Karaoke Songs
10. Summer Nights- UGH! I've heard this tooooooo many times
9. Before He Cheats- easily the most heard song the year it was released. I've reached my lifetime limit on this one.
8. Paradise by the Dashboard Lights- I'm not hating on Meatloaf....just his 7 minute song.
7. Simple Man
6. Crazy- Sorry....you're NOT Patsy Cline.
5. Picture- This duet takes NO talent so EVERYONE sings it. I've easily heard it 500 times.
4. Whiskey Lullaby- Worst. Lyrics. Ever. Listen to what you're singing people!
3. Bridge Over Troubled Water
2. I Touch Myself- every drunk-I-wanna-sing-but-I-wanna-pretend-like-I-don't girl has done this song. Sooooo tired!
1. Broken Wing- I don't care who you are or how well you sing, if you sing this song, I will leave and come back when it's over.
I love karaoke and singing, but limits can certainly be reached. What songs make you cringe?
So, here's my list of Top 10 Most Hated Karaoke Songs
10. Summer Nights- UGH! I've heard this tooooooo many times
9. Before He Cheats- easily the most heard song the year it was released. I've reached my lifetime limit on this one.
8. Paradise by the Dashboard Lights- I'm not hating on Meatloaf....just his 7 minute song.
7. Simple Man
6. Crazy- Sorry....you're NOT Patsy Cline.
5. Picture- This duet takes NO talent so EVERYONE sings it. I've easily heard it 500 times.
4. Whiskey Lullaby- Worst. Lyrics. Ever. Listen to what you're singing people!
3. Bridge Over Troubled Water
2. I Touch Myself- every drunk-I-wanna-sing-but-I-wanna-pretend-like-I-don't girl has done this song. Sooooo tired!
1. Broken Wing- I don't care who you are or how well you sing, if you sing this song, I will leave and come back when it's over.
I love karaoke and singing, but limits can certainly be reached. What songs make you cringe?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Can I Have a Do Over, PLEASE?!?
A few short weeks ago I wrote about whether or not I would go back in time and change things if given the chance. Naively, I said I wouldn't. I've heard it said it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind so, I'm doing just that.
I want to go back in time to 3 weeks ago and change a weekend with Baby Boy. If I had known then what a disastrous effect those 2 days were going to have, I would have done everything differently. I would have taken him to hang with my friends in Norman like I had arranged. I would have shown him more of the everyday side of myself. I would have sheltered him from an infinitesimal part of my existence which he now thinks is my everyday life. He says that weekend didn't bother him, but my analytical virgo brain sees that everything started to slowly change immediately following that weekend.
I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I try to learn from them and move on. I recite The Starlight Manifesto (It is what it is; we are what we are; I can only be myself) and add the lessons of the mistake to life experience, but not this time. There's too much at stake for me and I don't even know if I can effectively explain why but I'll give it my best effort.
In a very short amount of time this man has given me the ability say and do things which I never would have considered doing before. Telling him how I feel about him, allowing him to witness my life in upheaval, fighting for myself, wishing I could change the past.....all things I never would have done before him. He made me feel that being odd-ball, neurotic Heather was a good thing.....desirable even.
I will regret that weekend forever and I don't want to add regret over not doing everything I can to try and make amends for it. I may have done irreparable damage, but I'm hoping he will give me a do-over.
I want to go back in time to 3 weeks ago and change a weekend with Baby Boy. If I had known then what a disastrous effect those 2 days were going to have, I would have done everything differently. I would have taken him to hang with my friends in Norman like I had arranged. I would have shown him more of the everyday side of myself. I would have sheltered him from an infinitesimal part of my existence which he now thinks is my everyday life. He says that weekend didn't bother him, but my analytical virgo brain sees that everything started to slowly change immediately following that weekend.
I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I try to learn from them and move on. I recite The Starlight Manifesto (It is what it is; we are what we are; I can only be myself) and add the lessons of the mistake to life experience, but not this time. There's too much at stake for me and I don't even know if I can effectively explain why but I'll give it my best effort.
In a very short amount of time this man has given me the ability say and do things which I never would have considered doing before. Telling him how I feel about him, allowing him to witness my life in upheaval, fighting for myself, wishing I could change the past.....all things I never would have done before him. He made me feel that being odd-ball, neurotic Heather was a good thing.....desirable even.
I will regret that weekend forever and I don't want to add regret over not doing everything I can to try and make amends for it. I may have done irreparable damage, but I'm hoping he will give me a do-over.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Maybe She's Just Pieces of Me You've Never Seen.....
October 5th, 1992 at Sooner Theatre in Norman was a life-changing night for me. I sat in the theatre with 818 other people and learned what others meant when they said a concert had been a religious experience. That's what Tori Amos' Little Earthquakes was for me. I loved that album long before that concert experience but that solidified a spot for Little Earthquakes as one of my Top 5 All-time Favorite Albums.
When I listen to Little Earthquakes (and I mean the entire album, not just that song), I need only close my eyes and I am instantly transported back. I can't explain what I was feeling as I watched this intriguing red-head pound the keys of the piano while seductively twisting her body towards the audience. Everyone sat in mesmerized fascination and for 2 hours we were all on the same wave length. Where did she come from and why didn't she get here sooner?
The songs seem timeless to me and I know that's because I love them, but today as I was dealing with lots of emotion, I couldn't get this song out of my head and it seems so poignantly relative to what I was feeling that I had to share it.
[Try the Spotify link first as it's the album version, but if that doesn't work, I've embedded a decent live version. Words to the song are at the very bottom of the blog.]
Tear in Your Hand- Click the title for a link to listen on Spotify!
All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me
Me and Neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king
Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving
Cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well
All the world is all I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And the tear in your hand
All the world is
Danglin'...danglin' dang-dangalin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in you hand
And maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up every time I touch you
Maybe, maybe it's time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now
Caught a ride with the moon
I know, I know you well
Well, better than I used to
haze all clouded up my mind
in the daze of the way it could've never been
So you say and I say
and I know you're full of wish
And your "baby baby baby babies"
I tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen
All the world is all I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is
dangin'...Dangling'...dang-Danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in you hand
With that tear in you hand
When I listen to Little Earthquakes (and I mean the entire album, not just that song), I need only close my eyes and I am instantly transported back. I can't explain what I was feeling as I watched this intriguing red-head pound the keys of the piano while seductively twisting her body towards the audience. Everyone sat in mesmerized fascination and for 2 hours we were all on the same wave length. Where did she come from and why didn't she get here sooner?
The songs seem timeless to me and I know that's because I love them, but today as I was dealing with lots of emotion, I couldn't get this song out of my head and it seems so poignantly relative to what I was feeling that I had to share it.
[Try the Spotify link first as it's the album version, but if that doesn't work, I've embedded a decent live version. Words to the song are at the very bottom of the blog.]
Tear in Your Hand- Click the title for a link to listen on Spotify!
All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me
Me and Neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king
Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving
Cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well
All the world is all I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And the tear in your hand
All the world is
Danglin'...danglin' dang-dangalin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in you hand
And maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up every time I touch you
Maybe, maybe it's time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now
Caught a ride with the moon
I know, I know you well
Well, better than I used to
haze all clouded up my mind
in the daze of the way it could've never been
So you say and I say
and I know you're full of wish
And your "baby baby baby babies"
I tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen
All the world is all I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is
dangin'...Dangling'...dang-Danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in you hand
With that tear in you hand
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