Forward Motion

I'm looking forward to 2012 more than any year I can remember in quite some time. I don't have any specific reasons which make me feel so optimistic about the upcoming year, but I'm not going to fight the feeling. I'm normally an overtly optimistic person but this goes beyond the normal for me.

It seems as though the past few years I couldn't wait to see the backside of a year and would be vocalizing about how the coming year just had to be better, but I don't have those feelings at all.....just the calm, peaceful feeling that no matter what happens next year, it will be stellar! All the tough lessons of the past 5 years and all the simplifying must be starting to pay off and I can barely contain my excitement.

Take that, Universe!

Shhhhhh! Don't Tell The Universe!

Things are great and I'm really content!

Fall is in the air, my job is fantastic, college football is here and the holidays are fast approaching! Oh, and I'm getting paid to write! :)

If the Universe finds out, he'll try to screw things up, so this is our little secret, okay?

An Open Letter the The Universe

Vast Universe,

I feel I have been more than patient with you over the last quarter of a century but now I am giving formal notice of my absolute and total disgust over the blatantly unfair treatment you've given me with continuing to send me unavailables or those who were destined to become unavailables. For the first decade, I didn't realize what was happening was the beginning of a cruel pattern, but the last 5 years have made it painfully clear and I'm OVER IT!

I know there are 2 sides to every relationship story and ours is no different. I realize my temperament and practicality make me a much easier target for this sort of thing, but how you have behaved is unacceptable. When I realized you were toying with me, I quit speaking to you in the hopes that you would see the error of your ways and back off. When that didn't work, I made a clean break with you and posted exactly what I was looking for and I think I was more than clear about that when I wrote my personal ad. Seriously.......was that unclear?!?!? NO, it wasn't.

It wasn't enough that you sent me dozens of unavailable men over the last 25 years, you had to up your meanness ante and start sending available men who actually pursued me only to pull the rug out from under me as I let my guard down and they choose someone else. Seriously....WTF?

Bollocks! Shenanigans! Shame on you!!!!

As I've said, I've been more than patient and fair with you but you refuse to neither cut me a break nor leave me alone so I have no choice but to publicly let you know that I will be fighting back. You may not be concerned as I'm so level-headed and incapable of playing the part of the psycho-girl, but be warned. I'm coming for you and hell's coming with me!

Sincerely,
Me

Feels Like the First Time (but not really)

The Universe is up to his old tricks again. Not wanting to bog you down with depressing details, he has created this perfect storm of upheaval in my life for the next few weeks. I could see it coming and made attempts to avoid it, but that wasn't meant to be. The Universe and I are destined to continue our clashing and so I press on. but in order to win this round with my Constant Adversary, I really need to focus and that's easier said than done. Why?

Because I have a crush on someone.

Not only do I have a crush, but it has made me feel like I'm back in junior high. Seriously, junior high wasn't the easiest time for me when it came to boys so you can imagine why I'm not thrilled that a crush at nearly 40 years old conjures images of those turbulent days. UGH! In an effort to take back control of my emotions I'm allowing myself to be effusive about this crush in a blog so I can move on and focus on the task at hand.

Here goes:

I like this guy. Really like him. Enough that I don't want my neurotic ways or the upheaval in my life to put him off.

I want to tell him I have a crush on him but I'm scared he doesn't feel the same way and NO one ever wants something that's one-sided. Can you see the correlation to junior high here?

He doesn't read my blog, but on the outside chance he finds his way over here, I want to leave him a message.

I hope you're interested enough to take a chance on me. If you do, I promise I won't rack you with the back of my chair after lunch.

It's a Fine Line

Lately I feel like I've lost my self identity. Maybe "lately" is a bit understated since I spent the better part of the last 10 years making adjustments to how I act and what I say so others feel comfortable and safe. And to be honest, I think that's a good thing to do, but at what point does it become too much? Where does one draw the line?

There's a fine line which separates the two extremes of everything. A fine line between love and hate, pleasure and pain, good and evil.......there's also a fine line between being true to one's self and being selfish. This one has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks and I'm trying to find the correct balance between the two. After all, isn't that what the fine line is; the balance one should strive to find? However, finding that balance and walking that fine line are often easier said than done.

Why should I feel selfish when I feel I've reached my tipping point when it comes to this fine line balance? The only thing I'm really good at is being myself and if I don't have that, it's very disconcerting. I'm not sure this is something I could even change since I've been doing it so long, but at least with the thought germinating in the back of my mind, I might be able to make it a bit more balanced.

A Continuing Struggle of Wants vs. Needs

This year has been a study in Wants vs. Needs for me. If you missed it and you're interested, you can read about it here. However, this struggle between wants and needs is a bit different.

I've been somewhat at odds with the Universe for a few months and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who feel as though they've also gotten a bad deal lately, but I'm tired of being resigned to my fate. Although the things I'm doing may not change how the Universe deals with me, I'm blogging about my side of things just to get my message out there.

I started with my "personal ad" and will build upon that. If there's any mistaking what it is I'm looking for, I can point to my blog archive as documentation. So, if the Universe ever sees fit to send an available man along who is actually attracted to me, here's my view on wants vs. needs as it pertains to relationships.

I can remember Pepe saying to me once, "You don't need anybody" and I guess that's true. There are very few things in life which are needed to survive.....and as cold as it may seem, another person isn't one of them. One may be sad or lonely but the heart will go on beating and the sun will continue to rise and set.

The bottom line is this. I'd much rather be wanted than needed. Want implies the person has a choice. Out of all the people in the world, that person chooses to be with me. Not out of some perceived necessity. A need is something you don't have a choice about, at least by definition. And although I think many people use the word "need" in place of "want", I think language should be used more deliberately.

I want to be wanted. It's really just that simple.