Fatally Flawed?

My mother used to say, "There are girls you date and there are girls you marry". I knew what she was trying to convey, but I'm not talking about sex when I make the statement: I'm the girl one dates. I'm not even sure I'd ever want to marry, but I seriously wonder if it's just something about me which makes men pass me over for someone else. I've presented my theory on Psycho Girls and I thought for awhile the reason I kept losing the guy to some other girl was because I didn't have it in me to be the "psycho".......but there HAS to be at least one single man out there who doesn't want the theatrics and the drama!

I'll be the first to admit I'm fiercely independent and somewhat solitary BUT that only goes so far as an explanation. Maybe I'm being too generous with my assessment of my loner tendencies, but I don't feel it's so extreme to the point of my not being able to have a "normal" relationship. And yes.....I realize I'm notorious for attracting men who are unavailable because they have a girlfriend or even a fiancee, but I don't purposely seek out those who aren't available and I certainly don't have any special power that makes them attracted to me (not that I'm aware of anyway, but there's something about me they find appealing).

So I've been thinking a lot this past week about WHY I'm not the kind of girl it appears so many men want. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to figure it out but I have learned a lot about how my beliefs and desire for consistency affect my life.

I believe in predestination.......or destiny, fate.....whatever you want to call it. I feel a relationship (as with all things in life) will happen if it's meant to be. This is the sole reason I simply cannot be the Psycho Girl. If I have to resort to histrionics to "keep my man" it's just not right. If I have to manipulate a situation like that, I feel it's manufactured and unnatural. And, if I resort to those tactics once, in order to keep my man, will I have to do it every time? Isn't that type of behavior in direct contradiction with my beliefs and personal life philosophy?

But......at what point do I become the fatalist? Am I losing out because I fail to act at the crucial moment by declaring my feelings and making my wants known? There's a fine line and I struggle to find the balance and remain true to myself and what I believe. I can only be myself. I believe this with all my heart and soul and don't want to compromise.

This will likely be a struggle which will continue in my brain.....trying to reconcile both wants and needs with my personal beliefs.

But at the end of the day, regardless of my consistency, losing sucks..........and really hurts.

We've Come 'Round Right!

Today has been full of inspiration for me. Not just because of the historic inauguration of our first black president, but also because of the music that has been around me today.

I've mentioned my Top 5 group before [you can read about them here].....well, today's Top 5 topic was: A day of hope. What Top 5 songs give you hope? I always enjoy the answers I get from our unique and diverse group, but today it all just made me happy and content.

Then, as I watched the inauguration and was listening to the arrangement by John Williams I was once again inspired by the music. His arrangement of Simple Gifts seemed so appropriate to me, but not just because of the historic day, but because of the life philosophy by which I try to live. [You can read about the Starlight Manifesto here]

I'm still processing today's events and I might have more to say about it later, but for now, I leave you with the wonderfully simple and appropriate words of Simple Gifts by Elder Joseph Brackett

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come round right.

In Memorium

When I was in high school, I had 2 best friends, Audra and Becky. Both of them moved to Owasso at the beginning of the 9th grade and I met them both on the first day of school. I had no idea how much that day and meeting those girls would change my life.

We had so much in common and had so much fun together. We called ourselves the Boo Boo Sisters (Heather Boo Boo, Becky Boo Boo and Audra Boo Boo). I even made a Boo Boo Baby for Becky to take on a band trip because she was the only Boo Boo Sister going and we didn't want her to be alone. Yes, I know that's cheesy, but we were 15.....what do you expect?

Becky was talented both academically and musically, but what made her so special was her kindness. Becky was kind to every person she met. There were no social barriers she couldn't ignore......it made no difference if it was the nerdy weirdo or the popular cheerleader, Becky would treat everyone with the same respect and kindness. By the time we were Juniors, Becky was class president and well liked by everyone. The Boo Boo Sisters were as tight as ever and things seemed relatively care-free.

On January 18, 1988, Becky was killed in an accident on her way back to school from having gone to retrieve a yearbook layout she had forgotten at home. I had seen her in the hall that morning as I was rushing to my first class and we exchanged a few words about the exciting things happening in our boy-crazy, high school lives and promised to find time later in the day to really discuss all our news.......but that was the last time I ever spoke to Becky.

Her death had a profound effect on me and still does to this day.

Because of Becky's kindness to everyone, I try to be the kind of friend to my friends and those I meet that she was to me. I feel this is the best way to honor her memory and keep part of her alive.

Although it has been 21 years, Becky is still very much a part of mine and Audra's lives and friendship. We try to make fairly regular trips to her final resting place in Missouri and hope her family finds comfort in knowing how much we loved her, too.

Continue to rest peacefully our beloved Boo Boo Sister. We love and miss you!

..............until we meet again.

Starting the New Year with a "Bang"! (This one's for YOU, Jess!)

Now that I'm gainfully employed again and have made it through a tough holiday season of weirdness because we're not celebrating until my brother-in-law is home from Kuwait, I feel light-hearted and free....as if the dark clouds of despair have all departed and can't return.

Here's what I've done since the New Year!

On Wednesday, I met my friend, Amy, after work for coffee. When I got there, I saw that she had cut bangs into her hair and it was so freakin' cute. While we sat there and talked, I noticed some business cards on the table. I picked one up and saw it was for a salon which was located upstairs from where we were having coffee. I said, "If they were still open, I'd get bangs cut into my hair, too!" Amy thought that was a fantastic idea, so we called upstairs to see if anyone was still there..........YES, there was and she told us to come right on up! If you've known me for any amount of time, you'll know that I'm a planner. It's just what I do.....I can't help it and it's almost like a sickness with me. I've learned to embrace the neurosis, but many of my friends make fun of me, so getting bangs on a whim is totally out of character for me.

Here's what my bangs look like: [more blog after the pic!]

While Coel was cutting my bangs, I commented out loud that I wished there was time to re-do the color on my hair. When I left the salon with my sassy bangs, I had an appointment to come back on Saturday to have the color done.

Here's what my new color looks like: [still more blog after the pic]

So.....this is part of how my new year has begun. In addition to the hair, I've gone back to the South Beach diet and will not gain back the weight I lose this time. It's so comforting to know that I've already had great success with the SB lifestyle in the past....I know I won't fail!

Pepe and I have been talking again lately and it seems as if all the weirdness has past, for which I'm very grateful. I've even been surviving without a full 8 hours of IM conversation with my lifesaver, Sugar D. The new year makes me think of what Anne's teacher told her, "Each day is fresh, with no mistakes in it." The New Year is also fresh with no mistakes in it and it makes me feel as if I can conquer the world!

I don't really make resolutions, but as a planner, I constantly set goals. That some of them coincide with the New Year is inevitable, but succeed or fail, I just remember that tomorrow is a new day without any mistakes in it and I can start over again.

[I hope I haven't gotten too sappy for you all]

I leave you with this parting photo. Me, on my birthday in 1976. My hair has come full circle: [no more blog after this pic]

Set in My Ways?

I have so much I'd like to blog about, but I don't have the time......I really shouldn't even be stopping to post this, but it has been 5 days since my last post I decided to write something quickly and then get back to work.

Why so busy? I'm clearing a room and 2 closets for a refugee who's coming to live with me for an indefinite amount of time.

Before you think how charitable I am, it's not a refugee from Darfur or the Sudan, but rather a friend who has no where to go.

This friend has always been there for me and I'm happy to help, but I can deny I'm nervous about the whole situation. I won't go into all the reasons I'm feeling anxious about it, but instead will focus on my almost fanatical need to have total privacy and my own space. I've shared living space successfully in the past with two wonderful friends with whom I'm still in contact to this day.......but 37 years of age, I've become so set in my ways.

I love to be social and hang out with my friends, but at the end of the day, I can go to my house and enjoy total solitude. I can take off every stitch of clothing and walk around naked all day on the weekends, but all that will have to change. I could easily become a recluse, but I haven't gotten that bad, yet. I'm not so sure I'd be this anxious if I hadn't just come out the most challenging time of my life. 2008 brought more than enough change to last me a decade and I was sure that things were back to normal when I finally went back to work........WRONG!

I knew it was a possibility I'd be providing refuge for this friend, but it came much more suddenly and with no flexibility to give me time to prepare properly. Instead I have been up since 5:30 am to start making room in other parts of my home for furniture and possessions.

I really hope I'm not too set in my ways and this living arrangement ruins a friendship :(