Stelliform

Do Unto Others?

2012-01-09T18:53:00.001-06:00

As a child, I was probably most impressionable at ages 4-6. I took everything my "elders" offered at face value and as truth. I wasn't jaded enough to understand about lies and manipulation, so I believed what was offered because they said it was truth. For the most part, I think I turned out as a well-adjusted, sane individual and many of the things I was taught when I was that age have proven very useful throughout my life.

Currently though, I'm at odds with The Golden Rule. You know......do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I've tried my best to do this for the better part of four decades, but I'm wondering when the others will start treating me as I've treated them??? I know that isn't why one practices The Golden Rule, but I think it's fair to wonder when I'll get a return on my investment? Honestly, I know the answer: NEVER.

As a result of being so devoted to this tenet, I seem to attract those who have already frustrated the rest of the population into rescinding their friendship with them. Time and again, when I've been trampled on, I remember that lovely Golden Rule and I treat them the way I want to be treated. Well, NO MORE. Instead, when I am treated in a manner contrary to how I treat others, that person will be treated with the Inverse Golden Rule. I will assume that how they're treating me is how they would like to be treated.

After all, I was told when I was 6 that turn about is fair play.

My Life is Imitating Art

2011-12-31T15:52:00.000-06:00

I've written a few times about my connection to the music of Alice Peacock. Her entire self-titled album could have come straight from my head. It's rare that an artist speaks so directly an intimately to me through lyrics about things others wouldn't have the first inkling, but she has done it and I return to the tracks of this album often, visiting them like old friends, feeling their comfort, experiencing their excitement and it always makes my heart race.

As this new year starts, I can't shake this song and how it makes me feel. I don't know what Alice was thinking when she wrote it and I'm sure it takes on a different meaning for everyone. I love this song more today than when I first shared it with my readers in 2008 and it bears a rare repeat because of it's poignant relevance at this moment in my life.

For those on Spotify, you can listen to the song here.

All Consuming Love by Alice Peacock
I knew I'd seen your face before
When I was in a fever
You took my hand
And wiped my brow
Like a butterfly
To a dying flame
I'm drawn to you
Fold me in your arms
Fold me in

(chorus)
Take me down to the water
Take me under, set me free
I want to be your mother, sister, daughter
Want to be your fantasy

I said this wouldn't happen again
Swore it on the heavens above
But like a lamb to the slaughter
Can't fight this all consuming
Love me, hate me, mold me, break me
Take me downIn ecstasy

(chorus)
Take me down to the water
Take me under, set me free
I want to be your mother, sister, daughter
Want to be your fantasy

If I had to tell my story again
It's been written in your eyes
And could I get so close to you
I'd melt away
I wanna' hear you say
That you're never gonna' leave
Wanna' hear you say it
Say it baby

Forward Motion

2011-11-29T18:45:00.001-06:00

I'm looking forward to 2012 more than any year I can remember in quite some time. I don't have any specific reasons which make me feel so optimistic about the upcoming year, but I'm not going to fight the feeling. I'm normally an overtly optimistic person but this goes beyond the normal for me.

It seems as though the past few years I couldn't wait to see the backside of a year and would be vocalizing about how the coming year just had to be better, but I don't have those feelings at all.....just the calm, peaceful feeling that no matter what happens next year, it will be stellar! All the tough lessons of the past 5 years and all the simplifying must be starting to pay off and I can barely contain my excitement.

Take that, Universe!

Giving Thanks

2011-11-24T01:04:00.001-06:00

Most of my friends have been participating in 30 Days of Thanks by posting something each day for which they are thankful. I guess I'm not that dedicated because I always resort to one blog the week of Thanksgiving, or ON Thanksgiving, as is the case this year.

I have so many things for which I am thankful, I know I would never be able to remember and list them all, but this is my best effort to cover the highlights.

- I am thankful 2011 was better than 2010. I expect 2012 to follow the same pattern.
- I am thankful for a job I enjoy more than I ever could have imagined.
- I am thankful I am still able to live life simply.
- I am thankful for unconditional love.
- I am thankful for music which touches my soul and for the artists who create such beauty and choose to share it with the world.
- I am thankful for libraries and books which always transport me.
- I am thankful for my siblings and their love for me.
- I am thankful I have been allowed to be an auntie to the BEST nieces and nephews in the universe!
- I am thankful for my friends; old and new.
- I am thankful for the boring which balances out the crazy in my life.
- I am thankful for my seemingly eternal optimism.
- I am thankful for my sweet dog, Hildy Mae.
- I am thankful for tolerance which has been given and received.
- I am thankful for having options.

- I am thankful for YOU!

Should Blog Nicknames be Chosen Democratically?

2011-11-14T19:43:00.001-06:00

For as long as I've been blogging, I've used nicknames to protect the not-so-innocent. Sometimes the infamous characters who make appearances here know their nickname, but often they don't. I try to pick creative, relevant and cryptic monikers which I feel represent the person well, yet sufficiently hide their identity. A couple of times this year, I've found myself in discussions with one who may or may not end up as blog fodder and the conversation turns to nicknames.

I say, "I think I need to blog about this."
"No, you shouldn't" comes the protestation.
"You'll have a nickname......I always use nicknames. I think I already have a nickname for you."
"You do? What is it?" comes the expected inquiry.
"I'm going to call you __________."
"You can't call me that" comes the inevitable refusal of chosen nickname.
"Oh? I think it's perfect", I reply and then give the reasons said nickname is perfect.
"You can't call me that" comes the repetition of the inevitable refusal of chosen nickname.
"Well, you can't shoot down my suggestion without replacing it with another suggestion (of which I have the right to refuse as well)."
"I don't know......let me think about it. How about _______?" comes their chosen nickname.

The last time I let a not-so-innocent weigh-in on choice of nicknames, it was for a certain man-child and that whole situation was a total BUST and a colossal waste of my time. Now I find myself resistant to last evening's suggestion of an alternate nickname and wondering if I should soften my rigid Virgo ways and allow blog nicknames to be chosen democratically. Of course, I already know I will use the alternately suggested nickname, but I had to blog about the whole process first. It seems as though Kilroy was already here.

The Pendulum Effect

2011-11-07T20:23:00.000-06:00

Over the years I've seen many, many instances of lives in full Pendulum Effect. I'm not sure if there's another name for this phenomenon, but I've been calling it this for years and it seems to be an apt moniker. To understand the Pendulum Effect, one need only understand the basic workings of a pendulum.

Imagine a grandfather clock that has stopped ticking. The usually swinging pendulum is at complete rest; not moving side to side in either direction. This is where one should be when life is balanced. However, there are times in life when something shakes one to the core and causes the pendulum to swing. When this happens, the pendulum must swing to the extreme right and left before it slowly starts to settle back to the balance point.

Having grown up going to church, I saw many examples of the Pendulum Effect as those who were new to religion and spirituality would "turn from their life of sin". Often going from the extreme of one vice or another to the extreme of near religious fanaticism. I'm not making any pronouncements of religion or religious converts, it's simply the first time I recall seeing the Pendulum Effect so vividly illustrated.

As with all things, moderation should be the rule of thumb. Swinging to either extreme isn't the healthiest place for anyone to be for an extended amount of time. Hopefully, if one is self-aware, the smaller the swinging of the pendulum when something life-shaking comes along.

Recently, I've not only been an up-close witness to the Pendulum Effect, but was almost caught up in the emotional free-fall created by another's inability to see the fanatical extreme turn his life and choices have taken. Sadly, communication has become the casualty, but I'm hopeful that one day soon that pendulum will settle back down to the balance point. Until then, I press on doing what's best for me.

Covering the Bases

2011-11-02T20:10:00.000-05:00

I know it's just the beginning of November and we've barely gotten past Halloween and everyone is starting to post their daily what-I'm-thankful-fors but I really need to jump ahead to Christmas for this post. Don't worry, I'll post at least once about the things for which I'm thankful, but as I sit here listening to Christmas music as a cold, blustery north wind is chilling the air I have had a moment of such clarity!

I know what I want for Christmas!
[aside from world peace, of course]

I've talked for years about buying a ukulele and learning to play. Well, I'm tired of talking about it and want to take action! I will be writing to Santa to ask him for one, but since he told me in 2001 that I've been permanently put on the naughty list, I'm not holding my breath to see a ukulele, courtesy of St Nick, under my tree. So, I'm telling everyone that's what I want for Christmas. I don't even care if I get more than one. I have a feeling I will fall fast in love with playing the uke so more than one will be okay with me!

What will you be putting on your wishlist this year?

I Know This Much is True

2011-10-25T19:58:00.000-05:00

No, it's still not a blog about 80's music! When and if I write one, it will have to be totally awesome, so it might take me awhile to hammer that one out.

However, this is just a short list of things that are hard and fast truths in my world.

- If you pair salty and sweet together, I will always say "yes, please"!
- Songs with la la la's, la-di-da's, nah-nah-nah's, etc...always make me smile.
- I'm a sucker for a man with a full bottom lip, dark hair and blue eyes. It's a trifecta I cannot resist.
- Caramel is my kryptonite.
- Conies from Coney I-Lander in Tulsa will always be my favorite food to eat.
- I am unable to say, "no" to my nieces or nephews (unless it's something that will harm them).
- I take my picture better than anyone else.
- Empire Strikes Back is THE. BEST. FILM. of all the Star Wars films. There is no argument.
- I am a geek.
- The only thing I know for sure is that I don't know anything for sure.
- I totally think like a dude.
- Patty Griffin is the best songwriter.

It's not a comprehensive list, but it was something I was talking about with a new friend and things like that tend to make it into my blog. Will the new friend make it into the blog? Maybe........

Shhhhhh! Don't Tell The Universe!

2011-10-18T19:08:00.002-05:00

Things are great and I'm really content!

Fall is in the air, my job is fantastic, college football is here and the holidays are fast approaching! Oh, and I'm getting paid to write! :)

If the Universe finds out, he'll try to screw things up, so this is our little secret, okay?

I Must be Doing Something Right

2011-10-08T15:54:00.004-05:00

They say if you have haters, you're doing something right. I must have inadvertently stumbled into this because I'm not trying to do anything. And yet, over the past 6 months, I've had to deal with some crazy stuff. Specifically, it's jealous women who keep trying to either bring drama into my peaceful existence or to intimidate me into ceasing contact with a guy they like.

Bitches be crazy when it comes to a guy they like. Seriously......I've been through junior high once and I'm not nostalgic for it at all.

Besides being incredibly annoyed by having psycho girls delete me from a friend's account or send me unsolicited messages or blatantly telling me to "STOP" on a friend's facebook wall, I'm utterly perplexed by why others tolerate such childish and insane behavior. If this is what men look for in a partner, count me out!

These girls need to have some respect as females and act with a bit of grace and decorum.....even when it's difficult. Don't think that I didn't come up with a dozen catty responses to post.....the difference is, I know that's not my style and it wouldn't garner any result that I'd want so I kept them to myself. Life is all about choices and I'm trying my damnedest to choose a wise path.

Yes, I've lost guys to many of these psycho girls over the years, but when it's said and done, if that's the kind of girl they like, (to quote Bob Dylan) "It ain't me you're looking for, babe".

Peace, Be Still.......

2011-10-02T19:39:00.003-05:00

I mention often about being a loner and liking my alone time. I have good reasons for liking that quiet time and just last week, as I had a bit of a break in my workday, I was overwhelmed by how blessed I am. Only in the quiet times do I fully recognize the depth of how fortunate I am.

I can't imagine what it would be like to go through life without the love, friends and amazing opportunities I've been given! I wouldn't trade any of that for all the money in the world, but that's not the whole story.

As often as I mention my penchant for being alone, I mention my irrational fear of the unknown. For one with an analytical brain, this can be a nightmare. If there's a situation for which there is an unknown factor, my brain will play through it over and over with every possible scenario for the unknown factor. If you can imagine, this sometimes goes on for months......especially in the quiet moments.

Currently, my brain is still trying to figure out what caused the change between me and Baby Boy. Honestly, my brain is beginning to settle most often on one of two possible explanations.

Number one: I totally got played.
Number two: He totally hates me.

Either way, I find no comfort and continue to search for the answer to what is going on. One thing I know for sure: Losing Sucks and I hate feeling like I've lost him (and believe me....I know he was never mine).

Things I've Learned

2011-08-23T17:08:00.003-05:00

As my 40th birthday is looming, I've been contemplating how to blog about this impending event. Turning 40 is something I've been anticipating, looking forward to even, since I was 5 years old. I'm not freaked out by the number as an age because I simply don't feel old. In fact, sometimes I feel downright childish! But instead of writing about any of that, I want to write about some things I've learned about myself over the last 5 years. Some of them I may have blogged about, but all are very fresh in my mind and relevant as I approach the milestone of turning 40.

Things I've Learned

Choosing to be happy- My mother was right! Life is what you make it and happiness is a choice. Even when things seemed bleak, throughout it all, I have been happy!

The difference between wants and needs- There are very few things in life which are necessities...everything else is just gravy!

Having a job I love is worth more than any paycheck- Life is too short to mess with a job I dread going to everyday.

Making pathways through emotional walls and allowing myself to be emotionally accessible- This one is fairly new and still a bit scary, but I'm learning and getting better about this each day.

My decade with Pepe wasn't wasted- It taught me the importance of the truth listed right above this one!

My parents are the best parents in the universe- Hands down, I know this is the truth. I'm thankful everyday for the unconditional love they always give me.

My friends are like family- Blood may be thicker than water, but I have the most amazing friends.

I have a novel in me that is a story worth writing- It may take another year to finish it, but I like the story I'm telling and I think there are some who will find it entertaining and enjoyable.

I can only be myself- Okay, I've known this for many years but it's just as true today. Being myself is the only thing I'm really good at.......and I like that just fine!

All-in-all, I'm in a good place as I prepare to start a new decade in my life. I want to live better, give more freely and love more deeply. I guess it helps to be an eternal optimist when looking hopefully into the face of the future, but since Life is what I make it, things will be great!

An Open Letter the The Universe

2011-08-15T23:57:00.004-05:00

Vast Universe,

I feel I have been more than patient with you over the last quarter of a century but now I am giving formal notice of my absolute and total disgust over the blatantly unfair treatment you've given me with continuing to send me unavailables or those who were destined to become unavailables. For the first decade, I didn't realize what was happening was the beginning of a cruel pattern, but the last 5 years have made it painfully clear and I'm OVER IT!

I know there are 2 sides to every relationship story and ours is no different. I realize my temperament and practicality make me a much easier target for this sort of thing, but how you have behaved is unacceptable. When I realized you were toying with me, I quit speaking to you in the hopes that you would see the error of your ways and back off. When that didn't work, I made a clean break with you and posted exactly what I was looking for and I think I was more than clear about that when I wrote my personal ad. Seriously.......was that unclear?!?!? NO, it wasn't.

It wasn't it enough that you sent me dozens of unavailable men over the last 25 years, you had to up your meanness ante and start sending available men who actually pursued me only to pull the rug out from under me as I let my guard down and they choose someone else. Seriously....WTF?

Bollocks! Shenanigans! Shame on you!!!!

As I've said, I've been more than patient and fair with you but you refuse to neither cut me a break nor leave me alone so I have no choice but to publicly let you know that I will be fighting back. You may not be concerned as I'm so level-headed and incapable of playing the part of the psycho-girl, but be warned. I'm coming for you and hell's coming with me!

Sincerely,
Me

Good, Good Day

2011-08-12T16:46:00.005-05:00

I've been blogging on a regular basis for about 6 years. In that time I've referred often to my Happy List. I've had a difficult time dealing with some emotions over the past few weeks and in an effort to change all that, I did what I know works best. I got up, got out and did things which make me happy.

Today, quite by accident my friend and I stumbled upon a place beyond what I could have ever imagined. A place with tons and tons of glass. The place looked a bit run down but not deserted, so we parked, walked into the yard and the amazement started to settle upon us.

We wandered around the front yard looking at beds and beds of glass "rocks" of various colors and any size imaginable. I felt like a kid in a candy store!

We explored the many wonders the front lawn had to offer before we reached the front door and still, no workers were in sight. There were signs about camera surveillance, but I didn't see anything which could have been used to record anything today, let alone 20 years ago.

Once inside, we wandered around for a good 15 minutes before we heard the sounds of someone coming in from the back. That's when we met Frankie, the son of the owner. Frankie is retired but still works for his dad. We assumed he would ask us if we were interested in buying anything but instead he started to tell us the history of the place we had happened upon.

Frankie was a delightful man who makes interesting noises of which he is totally unaware. Little grunts and groans punctuated his monologue and just made it more interesting. As his verbal history drew to a close he asked if we wanted to see the "back".

"Yes!!!"

So, off we traipsed, following a total stranger into a dark warehouse without any qualms. The first stop was a short aside to show us how some of the glass looks under a black light and then we entered the workshop. By-in-large, the space was fairly empty; used for storage over the years since the custom chopper parts shop quit renting the space. As we neared the back, we could see Frank's 87 year old dad, soaked to the skin in sweat, hoisting a huge steel tub filled with glass he had melted together. We walked along the row of kilns used to liquefy and combine the bits of glass into a solid chunk at 1,900 degrees.

Beyond the shop doors we could see the mountains of glass from which they would gather the pieces to be melted into the unique rocks we had seen at the front.

The glass they use comes from glass plants in the United States, but sadly, the last of those have closed and once the glass they have on hand has been utilized, this 35 year old family business will cease to exist. Take a moment to look at their Facebook page and the beautiful and amazing ways glass can be used in landscaping and architecture.

Karaoke Klunkers

2011-08-06T12:31:00.004-05:00

Talent Quest is once again upon us and I find myself submerged in more karaoke than normal (and let's be honest, "normal" for me is probably once a week). From the beginning of August 'til the end of September the amount of concentrated karaoke will average out to about 8 hours a day. Talent Quest draws so many talented singers, but having worked for a year in a karaoke bar and being on staff with a national karaoke competition for 6 years, there are just some songs I absolutely hate to hear. Mostly it has nothing with how well a person sings, but rather the amount of times I've had to hear it and/or horrible lyrics.

So, here's my list of Top 10 Most Hated Karaoke Songs

10. Summer Nights- UGH! I've heard this tooooooo many times
9. Before He Cheats- easily the most heard song the year it was released. I've reached my lifetime limit on this one.
8. Paradise by the Dashboard Lights- I'm not hating on Meatloaf....just his 7 minute song.
7. Simple Man
6. Crazy- Sorry....you're NOT Patsy Cline.
5. Picture- This duet takes NO talent so EVERYONE sings it. I've easily heard it 500 times.
4. Whiskey Lullaby- Worst. Lyrics. Ever. Listen to what you're singing people!
3. Bridge Over Troubled Water
2. I Touch Myself- every drunk-I-wanna-sing-but-I-wanna-pretend-like-I-don't girl has done this song. Sooooo tired!
1. Broken Wing- I don't care who you are or how well you sing, if you sing this song, I will leave and come back when it's over.

I love karaoke and singing, but limits can certainly be reached. What songs make you cringe?

Can I Have a Do Over, PLEASE?!?

2011-08-04T14:00:00.000-05:00

A few short weeks ago I wrote about whether or not I would go back in time and change things if given the chance. Naively, I said I wouldn't. I've heard it said it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind so, I'm doing just that.

I want to go back in time to 3 weeks ago and change a weekend with Baby Boy. If I had known then what a disastrous effect those 2 days were going to have, I would have done everything differently. I would have taken him to hang with my friends in Norman like I had arranged. I would have shown him more of the everyday side of myself. I would have sheltered him from an infinitesimal part of my existence which he now thinks is my everyday life. He says that weekend didn't bother him, but my analytical virgo brain sees that everything started to slowly change immediately following that weekend.

I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and I try to learn from them and move on. I recite The Starlight Manifesto (It is what it is; we are what we are; I can only be myself) and add the lessons of the mistake to life experience, but not this time. There's too much at stake for me and I don't even know if I can effectively explain why but I'll give it my best effort.

In a very short amount of time this man has given me the ability say and do things which I never would have considered doing before. Telling him how I feel about him, allowing him to witness my life in upheaval, fighting for myself, wishing I could change the past.....all things I never would have done before him. He made me feel that being odd-ball, neurotic Heather was a good thing.....desirable even.

I will regret that weekend forever and I don't want to add regret over not doing everything I can to try and make amends for it. I may have done irreparable damage, but I'm hoping he will give me a do-over.

Maybe She's Just Pieces of Me You've Never Seen.....

2011-08-01T15:19:00.003-05:00

October 5th, 1992 at Sooner Theatre in Norman was a life-changing night for me. I sat in the theatre with 818 other people and learned what others meant when they said a concert had been a religious experience. That's what Tori Amos' Little Earthquakes was for me. I loved that album long before that concert experience but that solidified a spot for Little Earthquakes as one of my Top 5 All-time Favorite Albums.

When I listen to Little Earthquakes (and I mean the entire album, not just that song), I need only close my eyes and I am instantly transported back. I can't explain what I was feeling as I watched this intriguing red-head pound the keys of the piano while seductively twisting her body towards the audience. Everyone sat in mesmerized fascination and for 2 hours we were all on the same wave length. Where did she come from and why didn't she get here sooner?

The songs seem timeless to me and I know that's because I love them, but today as I was dealing with lots of emotion, I couldn't get this song out of my head and it seems so poignantly relative to what I was feeling that I had to share it.

[Try the Spotify link first as it's the album version, but if that doesn't work, I've embedded a decent live version. Words to the song are at the very bottom of the blog.]

Tear in Your Hand- Click the title for a link to listen on Spotify!

All the world just stopped now
So you say you don't wanna stay together anymore
Let me take a deep breath babe
If you need me
Me and Neil'll be hangin' out with the dream king
Neil says hi by the way
I don't believe you're leaving
Cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream
I think it's that girl
And I think there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen well

All the world is all I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And the tear in your hand
All the world is
Danglin'...danglin' dang-dangalin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in you hand

And maybe I ain't used to
Maybes smashing in a cold room
Cutting my hands up every time I touch you
Maybe, maybe it's time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now

Caught a ride with the moon
I know, I know you well
Well, better than I used to
haze all clouded up my mind
in the daze of the way it could've never been
So you say and I say
and I know you're full of wish
And your "baby baby baby babies"
I tell you there're pieces of me you've never seen
Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen

All the world is all I am
The black of the blackest ocean
And that tear in your hand
All the world is
dangin'...Dangling'...dang-Danglin' for me darlin'
You don't know the power that you have
With that tear in your hand
Tear in you hand
With that tear in you hand

Be Careful little Fingers!

2011-07-29T18:27:00.005-05:00

For at least a year I have written intermittently about being deliberate with language. Using words so their meaning is correct, sincere and appropriate to the situation. Being too casual with language can create complacency and leaves too much room for misunderstanding. I really try to practice what I preach, but it's not always easy.

Hand in hand with being deliberate with my language is being true to my word. If I say I will do something, that's it......I will do it. Seems simple, right? Well, this afternoon I find myself sitting here, writing this short blog because I have painted myself into a corner with my words. I sent a text and said I was not going to do something until certain conditions were met and now I'm sorry I said that. I've always loathed when people make idle threats, so I sit with my hands tied, miserable, waiting for the condition I set to be met........and my heart heavy as I realize that may never come to pass.

Oh well, at least I'm being true to myself even if I've been hurt to my very core. It's a bittersweet victory but score one for me!

Have a Little Patience, Please

2011-07-24T11:31:00.006-05:00

I'm really angry with myself. Angry because I'm not dealing well with recent changes. Angry because I hate to feel like I can't control my emotions. Angry because I let small things dictate my mood lately. Angry because I'm jumping to irrational conclusions.

But mostly I'm angry because I let a decade of association with Pepe get so far under my skin I'm not entirely sure I can change my ways. To be fair (and as a Virgo, I always try to be fair), it's not just Pepe, but most of what is causing me such grief stems from that relationship.

Generally, I'm a very practical person. In fact, I pride myself in the fact that I'm able to be so level headed but lately, everything is out of whack. I'm really trying to change my ways because I'm tired of all the Unavailables and I'm actively taking steps to change that.

Here's the main thing which is derailing me at the moment. I'm not a jealous person, however, I'm finding that a decade of being the "girl on the side" has made me jaded. When I hear some one say, "don't tag me on facebook if you check in", what I hear is, "I don't want anyone to know I'm with you". Irrational? Probably, but after 10 years of being the secret, I find I can't control that reaction. I don't want to look up in 10 years and find that because I didn't express my feelings about the situation, some one else has won the prize and I'm stuck playing second string. If it hadn't already happened once, I don't think I'd be so wary of it happening again.

And that makes me angry.

I'm angry because I make a great "other woman" and angry because I'm afraid that's all I'll ever be. I'm angry because I feel like every time I try to do things differently, I make a colossal mess if it. And in the midst of it, I'm afraid I'm pushing away something that could be really good for me and my personality. I use all these words and have a great command of the English language and I can't effectively explain myself to him. I go to say one thing and the next thing I know, I've said something that sounds similar but just makes me look like a jerk. Even with all that, he listens to my neurotic babbling, reassures me and continues to be a great guy. That's why it's so important to me that I let him know I realize I'm wrong about this and I will get past it. Because it's just that important to me. What he thinks and feels about me is just that important to me. All new territory for me.

He occasionally comes over and reads my blog, so I close with this:

Baby Boy, please, please, please continue to be patient with me. I'm trying......but it's me, not you.

Seems Simple Enough.........hmmph!

2011-07-15T14:47:00.002-05:00

There are only 3 rules to remember when caring for gremlins:

1. Keep them away from light.
2. Don't get them wet.
3. Don't feed them after midnight.

Seems simple enough, huh? If you've seen the movie, you know they fail......miserably. It used to drive me crazy that they were unable to follow such simple, straight-forward rules but I'm realizing some of the simplest things are much more difficult than they appear.

At the moment, I have one major guideline under which I'm trying to operate:

Don't screw this up.

Apparently, I'm doing a horrible job. There's certainly a learning curve and thankfully I'm good with apologies and can most times get myself back on track. But, to be on the safe side, I might watch Gremlins this weekend to refresh my memory on emergency damage control. It certainly can't hurt.

A Lost Cause?

2011-07-12T12:00:00.003-05:00

This is a difficult blog to write and post, but I need to get it off my chest. So I unburden myself to the blogosphere and any who care to read it.

One of the hazards of 10+ years of associating with unavailables is starting to become painfully aware to me. I'm a master at compartmentalizing- especially emotions. After breaking ties with Pepe, I'm determined not to head down that path again.

The trick is figuring out how to do that.

I'd like to say the problem is that I've forgotten how to invest emotion, but that's far from the truth. It's actually like riding a bike.....much to my surprise. And I find that although my heart didn't get bumped or bruised much when it was tucked away in it's padded compartment, it also hasn't had a chance to gain a thicker skin.

Caring about someone is painful.

Don't misunderstand, no one is treating me badly. It's just very new territory for me and as a Virgo who hates the unknown, every 10 minutes I want to throw in the towel and retreat to what I know. But then I take a deep breath, sometimes wipe a tear from my eye and remind myself of something I know beyond all doubt.

I want to take a different path. This path.

It scares the shit out of me and I'm feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable every five minutes it seems but I'm forging ahead. I know I'll find my balance, but in the meantime, I hope I don't come off as being too needy or seeming like a pest.

Am I a lost cause? Thankfully, not yet.

Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks

2011-07-08T20:53:00.005-05:00

If I've learned anything over the past 5 years it's that change is inevitable. I've also learned that one should react to change like one should react to a fall: Relax until it's over! Don't try to stop it once it has started or try to break your fall and it will be a lot less painful.

There has been a lot of change in my life over the past 2 weeks and I haven't had time to let my Virgo brain process it all, yet. Some people view all change as bad, some think it's all good but I'm gonna go all Forrest Gump on you and say, "I think it's a little of both, maybe" (although Forrest wasn't talking about change). Because I like to be on the positive/optimistic side of things, I've decided to write about some of the good change.

I remember back in 2006, sitting in my office which was off of the employee break room at B&N. They weren't offering free wireless back then and I had purchased a subscription and allowed the other employees to use it, too. One of my favorite co-workers popped her head into my office one day and told me,

"You should join Facebook."

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's like Myspace, only better."

After a couple of promptings, I sat down and created my account. After adding my current city as a network, I decided to add my university to my networks as well. I entered the name of my college, selected it from the list and clicked "add". Up pops a window!

"Enter your college email address:" [what? Is this a joke? We didn't have email when I was in college!]

My start with Facebook was shaky, but I hung in there and what my friend said proved to be true. It was better than Myspace. I started a campaign to bring all my friends over to Facebook and one-by-one, I wore them down. Facebook is the place I go to find out what's going on in the lives of my friends. A daily read-through of my news feed fills me in on all the good news, the bad news, birthday parties, baseball/soccer/tennis games, graduations, vacations, etc..... and I don't even have to make a single phone call or send any emails.

Last week my trendsetting friend sent me a loophole invite to try Google+, a social networking venture brought to us by.........you guessed it! Google. I've never been a fan of Google because of some of their privacy policies, but let's face it, if one uses the internet on a daily basis, you're giving up some of your privacy, whether you know it or not. So, I plunged in and have been using Google+ for a week.

So far, it's okay. It's very similar to Facebook except much quieter. I'm not ready to start harassing my friends to switch yet and I might not ever but, for now I'm sticking with it because my friend was right about Facebook........she's probably right about this too.

If you want an invite to join Google+ and have a gmail account, let me know and I'll send one to you.

What's in a Name?

2011-07-07T10:04:00.002-05:00

I am of the belief that one doesn't pick out a nickname for someone, but rather the nickname picks the person. Often I blog about friends or unavailables and instead of asking for permission each time, I tend to use nicknames to protect identities. The parties involved know to whom I'm referring and it keeps everyone happy. Two years ago I wrote about my family's obsession with nicknames and decided to re-post this after yesterdays nickname discussion with Baby Boy. Enjoy!

The Nickname Game- July 5, 2008

Nicknames.......my family is a nickname kind of family. It's a multi-generational thing with us and I used to think that all families were like mine as far as nicknames were concerned, but I'm not so sure anymore.

To start, before my parents were even married, my dad was called "Cookie" by friends and co-workers [actually, he was Little Cookie and my grandfather was just Cookie]. My mother's dad and uncle thought it was a funny nickname (even though his last name is Cook) and they started calling him "cornbread" as a joke. Then the day of my parents wedding, my grandfather (my Lovey Mom's dad) mused that my father looked like a deacon in his suit and forever after that my grandfather and my father called each other "Deacon". Always. Not son (in-law), not dad, not by their first names. Just their common nickname for each other: Deacon.

It's not just that everyone has a nickname......we usually have several that are used frequently. I guess that's the part that's a bit strange to most others. It seems perfectly normal to me, but I grew up surrounded by adults that used multiple nicknames.........what can I say? I guess I come by it honestly.

Here is an overview of my siblings, nieces and nephews and their nicknames just so you can gain an understanding of how my family adores using nicknames.

My oldest sister Julie is most often called Jule (pronounced like Jewel) or Jujee. Sometimes we'll even shorten Jujee and just call her Juj (did we really make another nickname OUT of a nickname? Oh yes we did!)

My sister Melissa's first nickname was given to her by my father when she was an infant. He called her "Mippy Dip" because the curl on the top of her head reminded him of a dip cone. Her other nicknames are Missy, Mip, Misser Sisser, Mimi and Meem.

My little brother Chuck also has several. When he was born, my father was still "Little Cookie" to many so those friends called my brother "Cookie Crumb". That nickname didn't stick around, but he's had plenty more over the years. Chuckie, Buck, Wooger Booger. Now that he's an uncle, he's most often referred to as Uncle Buck (for a short time, our nephew Chris called him Donald Buck).

AAAANNNNNNDDDDD.....I don't want to leave myself out! My first nickname was "Heavy" and was given to me by my sister Melissa because she couldn't say Heather. When my little brother was about 2, he called me "uh-oh" for about a year. Other names that I've been called (I'm talking NICKNAMES people!) are Deder, Heheher, Booger Wooger (not to be mistaken for Chuck's Booger Wooger). Heather Ann (Ann isn't my middle name), Starla, stargirl, Hev and Hevver.

Now for the kids!

Tyler: Matty Ty, Matthias Tylus and Tyler Rupert (sometimes we just call him Rupert)
Phillip: Pilpy, Pilly Pot, Philly-Pilly
Christopher: Crispy, Crisp, Crispy Critter and Christopher Robin
Nick: Neeko, Nickel Pickle, Cabezon (this is because his head is HUGE and I love it!)
Emily: Emmy Dawny, Emma Pooka Looners, pooka looka, Emmalia, Em
Erika: Rarika, P.B. (I've caller her this since she was about 2 years old, but now that she's a teenager, I can't say what it stands for because it might embarrass her)
Justin: Bubba Joe, Bustin and sometimes just Bubba
Jared: Pared, JP, Perry
Andy: Andy-boo, Boo Bear and Sugar Bear Itchy Spot
Max: Maxamillian, Sugar Max and Maxeroni and Cheese
Lauren: Sugar Lips and Laurney Little Bit. (More recently I've started calling her mini me. She looks just like I did when I was a child.)
Tommy: Twister Man, Monkey Boy, Tommy Toodles and Tom Bomb

Also, I call my parents Poppy Bear and Lovey Mom.

So......there you have it. Here's what I want to know:

1. What are your nicknames?
2. Do you think my family's used of so many nicknames is odd?

Charlie, You Can Never Go Back!

2011-07-04T11:46:00.002-05:00

When I was in college, I worked at a daycare for a few months to help out a friend. The class I was in charge of loved the movie "All Dogs Go to Heaven" and requested to watch it every time we had a movie day. It's actually a cute movie if you can see past the sub-par animation and since that summer, I find myself still quoting one of my favorite lines from that movie. "Charlie, you can never go back"! Surprisingly, this line has come in handy over the years and I use it most often when I think things may have been better in the past.

But lately, I've been thinking a lot of my junior high and high school days and this phrase has been in the forefront of my mind. Over the years I've heard lots of people ask variations of this question, "If you could go back and do anything over, would you?" My answer for that is always, "no". All the things I've been through and experienced have molded and shaped me.....and without trying to sound egotistical, I like who I am, on the whole.

The world of social networking had made the world from my past so small. The wisdom of age and the confidence gained through living allows conversations and connections with people I might never have spoken to otherwise. And, in the back of my mind is the steady cadence, "Charlie, you can never go back". No matter how many conversations are had, no matter how many confessions are made; those days are past.

But sometimes, when my mind wanders, I can't help but wonder what I would do if I could go back. It's silly, I know but I'm fairly certain what I would do if I could go back. [And, since it's impossible to actually go back, I have added some more impossible things to the mix.]

If I could go back, I would want to do it a la Back to the Future. I'd want to go back as I am today and talk to my 15 year old self. I wouldn't reveal any secrets, but I would tell her that she's on the right track and to be more confident because everything would work out great!

It's true we can never go back, but it's sometimes a good idea to look back to see things and understand how somethings do come full circle. Or, to use an oft-quoted song I love, "To turn, to turn will be our delight, till by turning, turning we come round right"

Feels Like the First Time (but not really)

2011-06-27T20:21:00.003-05:00

The Universe is up to his old tricks again. Not wanting to bog you down with depressing details, he has created this perfect storm of upheaval in my life for the next few weeks. I could see it coming and made attempts to avoid it, but that wasn't meant to be. The Universe and I are destined to continue our clashing and so I press on. but in order to win this round with my Constant Adversary, I really need to focus and that's easier said than done. Why?

Because I have a crush on someone.

Not only do I have a crush, but it has made me feel like I'm back in junior high. Seriously, junior high wasn't the easiest time for me when it came to boys so you can imagine why I'm not thrilled that a crush at nearly 40 years old conjures images of those turbulent days. UGH! In an effort to take back control of my emotions I'm allowing myself to be effusive about this crush in a blog so I can move on and focus on the task at hand.

Here goes:

I like this guy. Really like him. Enough that I don't want my neurotic ways or the upheaval in my life to put him off.

I want to tell him I have a crush on him but I'm scared he doesn't feel the same way and NO one ever wants something that's one-sided. Can you see the correlation to junior high here?

He doesn't read my blog, but on the outside chance he finds his way over here, I want to leave him a message.

I hope you're interested enough to take a chance on me. If you do, I promise I won't rack you with the back of my chair after lunch.

Don't YOU Forget about Me!

2011-06-15T16:18:00.003-05:00

If you were expecting a post about John Hughes, the Breakfast Club or my beloved 80s music, I'm sorry to disappoint you but if you bear with me for this blog, I'll make it up to you with my next post!

Through the magic of social networking, I heard about a job opening with a local company. I sent my resume and had an enjoyable first interview. I really, really want to be called in for a second interview, but I find myself in an interesting predicament.

My interview was the first Friday of June. During the interview I was told there were a couple of other candidates to interview but they wouldn't be scheduling those interviews until the 3rd week of June. Having sent a followup email last week, I find myself wondering what I could do to show my continued interest in this job without seeming pushy.

Given my culinary talents, I thought about sending a batch of my addictive-you-can't-eat-just-one cookies, but that might seem like a bribe.

I could send another email just touching base to keep me fresh in their minds while they decide who they will call in for a second interview, but that just seems boring.

I've worked in marketing and promotions for most of my post-college career so my brain just naturally gravitates towards networking and marketing, so I've decided to use my predicament as an exercise in using social networking as personal marketing.

I need your help!

Please take the time to visit my "Don't Forget about Heather" page on facebook and click "Like". AND....if you really think I deserve a second interview, suggest the page to your friends. It's not just that I need to find a job, but rather the excitement I feel when I think about working for this company. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to be a part of that!

Limitations and Frustrations of Job Hunting in the Age of the Internet

2011-06-07T15:36:00.001-05:00

This post might really show my age, but it's something I find very frustrating. Job hunting in the digital age can be difficult sometimes. It's practically impossible to walk into a place of business and leave your resume because everyone wants you to go through their online application process. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of gal who refuses to embrace technology [after all, you're reading my blog which I posted from my phone] but this lack of personal interaction severely limits the playing field which makes it more difficult for the job hunter. Not to mention the fact that it could blind an employer to a stellar employee because the human factor is removed until the last steps of the hiring process.

Even after one fills out all the requisite online forms and hits send, it's anyone's guess as to whether or not your information will be forwarded to the hiring managers inbox. Because these online applications are designed as a screening process, your fate rests squarely with an algorithm. If the right boxes were ticked or the correct combination of key words were listed, one might wind up on the lucky end with countless other candidates for a single job opening.

I won't even go into the nightmare of trying to follow up on an application when one has no idea with whom to follow up! It's enough to make my head spin!

I've had this beef with job hunting via the internet for a couple of years now, but I'm beginning to think it goes much deeper. One of my favorite bloggers just posted about how algorithms narrow the information which reaches us via the internet. You can read her blog about it here and I encourage you to follow her blog. If search engines and Facebook are giving us content based on what it has "learned" about us through our posts and searches, it stands to reason the same is filtering down to internet job searches we perform.

What if I go to jobdig.com and use their site to search for a public relations job in the Metro Area....the next time I visit the site, will it exclude certain jobs for which I qualify and might have an interest? My guess is that it probably will. This is the main reason I have taken a different approach to my job search this time around. I'm only pursuing solid leads which have come from personal acquaintances and it has made a huge difference. I've gone from sending 10 to 15 resumes a week with a 0% rate of garnering an interview to sending 4-6 resumes a week with a 50% success rate in securing an interview. That's an impressive improvement from just a small modification. And, one can't get the job if they never see your information!

There's so much I enjoy about how the world wide web has made the whole wide world a smaller, more accessible community, but I don't want it making too many choices for me. I want to look at the scope of ideas and beliefs so I can maintain a healthy balance personally.

Here's to mixing things up! [and to hopefully being gainfully employed again in the very near future!]

Bleep!

2011-05-13T17:44:00.003-05:00

Dear You-Know-Who,

Thanks for choosing today, a day which has been less than stellar for me, to suddenly become communicative again and drop a bunch of "news" on me which I would rather have not had to deal with today. You. Suck.

Sincerely,
Heather

Taking Advice from Rilla Askew and David Sedaris

2011-04-19T12:51:00.003-05:00

One of the things I miss most about my job as community relations manager for Barnes & Noble is being immersed in the book community. When I was hired, my dad asked if they would be paying me in books (he knows his daughter well) and my response, "They give me a paycheck and I trade it in for books". During my 7 years, I met and got to know many authors. Some were best-selling authors, some were not but most were struggling, local authors doing their best to self-promote the books they had lovingly written and had published through e-publishers like iUniverse.

I think desktop publishing and "print on demand" publishers provide a wonderful service for the industry, but sadly they have become the vanity presses of the past. Anyone can become a published author......but that doesn't mean they should. I couldn't tell you how many times I would meet with a local, print-on-demand author to tell them my store would not be able to host a book signing for them AND that we wouldn't be able to stock their book on our shelves. Some books were good, but most of them weren't. It was by far the worst part of my job; dashing the hopes of someone's dream to see their book on the shelf of their local B&N. I tried, as gently as possible, to explain the reasons we couldn't carry their book and to push them in the direction of submitting the book to traditional publishing houses if they wanted to go further with their career as a writer.

What does this have to do with Rilla and Dave? Bear with me and we'll get there!

I am writing a novel.

It seems so cliche and that's probably the reason I've not told many people. I think of all the years I crushed the dreams of aspiring writers beneath the heel of corporate guidelines and I tell myself I'm insane for taking on this task. I've become so jaded I think I don't have a story to tell that anyone would want to hear (and maybe that's true). But that's where Rilla comes in! Two weekends ago I heard her speak at the 22nd Annual Oklahoma Book Awards where she received the lifetime achievement award. She spoke of the rich literary history of our state and how each author's writing was a voice of Oklahoma with an Oklahoma story that needed to be told. This spoke to me and made me feel my book was MY Oklahoma experience and it is a story that should be told. My voice is an Oklahoma voice that needs to be heard!

Last night I went to listen to David Sedaris. He was quirky, irreverent, hilarious and inspiring. After he read, he asked the audience for questions. One man asked how many times he'd had his writing rejected before he was published. His answer was charming. He said he had never submitted his work because he couldn't take rejection so he just tried to put himself in places where people would eventually ask him to write something for them to publish. That is brilliant! And seeing as how I was convinced to write my novel by an editor, I feel I'm taking David's advice, too.

I still have snippets of self-doubt as I forge ahead with my writing, but I'm feeling more confident that maybe, just maybe my dream will come true! And maybe someone will want to read my story.

Sorry You're Uncomfortable: Language Should be Deliberate

2011-04-13T10:25:00.004-05:00

As a life-long, avid reader I am partial to words and vocabulary. Pair that with my keen intuition and you'll have a road map to most of my relationships. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I've intuited the uneasiness of a partner/friend/colleague and took the initiative and bypassed the uncomfortable conversation they were dreading. In short, I give an easy way out because I know how to be very deliberate with my language.

I feel everyone could and should be more deliberate with the language we use. I've written about my struggle to use the words "want" and "need" correctly. Those words are not synonymous and "need" is used far too often in place of "want".

But, I digress. What has my ire up is an unexpected "poke" I received notice of via Facebook. If you and I haven't communicated in 5 months, "poking" me on Facebook isn't going to open back up the lines of communication between us. I know I could make it easy, more hospitable even, if I would just "poke" you back, but after a decade of making every situation between you and I easy for YOU, I'm drawing another line. Where we stand is a direct result of the choices YOU made, so if you want to communicate with me, you must address some of these issues.

Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. It's your turn to bridge the gap.

Out Like a Lamb

2011-04-05T15:33:00.003-05:00

March 22nd would have been the 10 year milestone for me and Pepe. The day came and went without any fanfare or even a mention of him from me. To be quite honest, I really wasn't sure how that day would be or how I wanted to approach it. Mostly I was scared I would cave and at least send an e-mail acknowledging the significance of the day. It's difficult to look at something that is basically a failure and not feel badly about it. [And for me, it's the the most substantial "something" I've ever had the willingness to commit to for such a length of time.] Now that it's 2 weeks behind me, I'm able to reflect and try and gain some perspective.

This morning, a text exchange with a friend made me think of something I'd written long ago about Pepe. I figured it was in a blog written about the night we met so I hit my blog archives in search of those words which were a tiny flicker in my memory.

I read back over 5 years of blogs written on or about March 22nd trying to remember how I felt and why I felt it, but I couldn't find the passage I was looking for. After reading more old blogs than I cared to read today, I finally ran across a short paragraph written in a blog near Thanksgiving 2007 which contained what I'd been looking for. As I re-read the short paragraph it made me smile, feel at peace about the past and helped me NOT to feel as though I wasted a decade of my life waiting for something which would never happen.

I'm not sure it will ever be possible for Pepe and I to actually be friends.....I mean the kind of friends who will keep in touch and talk from time to time, but I will always think fondly of our near decade. With that, I leave you with the words I wrote about him in 2007.

[taken from a list of things for which I was thankful]
Pepe- I don't want to get sappy, but he is the reason I don't hate men. He came into my life when I was in a very dark place and totally changed my outlook. The wonderful part is that he wasn't even trying to do that……I will be indebted to him forever and I love him for being who he is. He is very special to me. I'm also thankful that he's so understanding of my neurotic ways!

Lloyd Dobler

2011-04-05T14:36:00.003-05:00

As I was reading through old blogs today, I ran across this post from 5 years ago about Lloyd Dobler. As recently as last Thursday night I was laughing with friends about my love for Lloyd, so I decided to re-post that blog here. Funnily enough, if I were to write this blog today, I wouldn't have written it any differently. So, here's to all my peeps who are also Lloyd Dobler devotees.

Dobler Pictures, Images and Photos" border="0">

It's true....I am a Lloyd Dobler fan!

It's not just the boom-box-up-in-the-air-I'm-going-to-win-you-back romanticism of the character that I love, it's the idea that there could actually be a Lloyd Dobler out there for me. If most of us are honest, we're all searching for our Lloyd Dobler.

How do I know this? Go to any search engine and type "Lloyd Dobler" and you'll get thousands of results. If you click on www.lloyddobler.com you'll see just the boombox picture with the words to "In Your Eyes".....whoever created the site thinks that nothing more is needed.....I kind of agree.

There's a band called "The Lloyd Dobler Effect". It's not my style of music, but I'm sure that more than one person has checked them out just because of their name. [They have a very "Dave Matthews Band sound, so if you're into that kind of music, check them out at www.lloyddoblereffect.com]

There's even an art gallery in Chicago called "Lloyd Dobler".

Even with the huge cult following that Lloyd Dobler and "Say Anything" has achieved, I still find that people don't get it when I say, "Lloyd Dobler is my dream man." What I love about Lloyd is that he is passionate about what and whom he likes. He doesn't just blindly follow the path that others try to create for him. He does things that are common, but seem romantic because he is sincere.

Here's what I want to know: What does Lloyd Dobler mean to you? Do You have a Lloyd Dobler in your life? What makes that person your Lloyd Dobler?

The Perfect Love Song [for me, at least]

2011-04-02T17:46:00.003-05:00

Thursday night I was fortunate to spend the evening with many long-time friends as we celebrated the 10th anniversary of our friends, Todd and Renea Killingsworth. It's difficult not to reflect on the last decade of memories, but Thursday was really a celebration of love and friendship. As I reflected on the last decade, I thought about love. I'm not very traditional when it comes to love and relationships, but despite that, I can be a hopeless romantic. Here's a re-post from my old blog, written 3 years ago about a song I considered the Perfect Love Song.

February 5, 2008

The Perfect Love Song? [with explanation]

I'm a sucker for lyrics. Most of the songs I love have lyrics which speak to me much more than the melody or style of music. It makes my heart beat fast when I hear a song and immediately think to myself, "this is exactly what I would have written"!

So, if I were going to write a love song, I think it would have been very similar to "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson. Here are the lyrics and why they speak to me. Enjoy!

"The Way I Am"
If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

[I don't smoke, so I don't carry a lighter or matches, so.....if I go in search of flames for you, I really like you]

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

[My personality is very distinct and I definitely need someone who takes me for what I am]

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.

[I keep my house cold and it has been mentioned to me on more than one occasion. However, I think I'd be more likely to offer a hoodie instead of a sweater if you're visiting me and you're cold.]

Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

[I'm really good at getting rid of headaches......it just takes a bit of TLC. And, who wouldn't want to ease the pain of the one they love?]

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.

[I love bald men. I have loved them my entire life. However, for love, I'd be willing to buy rogaine for one that was reluctant to lose his hair. Now that's the ultimate in loving gestures coming from me]

Sew on patches to all you tear.

[For those that don't know, I sew. I could probably forgive a guy for cheating, but if my guy takes his sewing or mending to someone else, I can't bear it. Sewing for someone shows how much I care and is as personal as a kiss to me.]

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.

[I'm very non-traditional and am not really interested in traditional commitment so I totally get loving someone more than I can promise to love them.....it makes total sense to me and is the ultimate expression of how much I can love someone.]

And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

So, that's the love song I would have written but Ingrid beat me to it! If you haven't heard this song, you should listen to it now and tell the one you love how much they mean to you!

..

A Time for Everything

2011-01-15T21:23:00.002-06:00

It's no secret about the recurring theme which Unavailable Men have played in my life. I've started a project which has me spending some time immersed in memories and I've realized some interesting things only time spent as the "other woman" can give one. Although my time as the second string has given me better insight, many of the things I've discovered apply to every type of relationship. Family, friends, romantic, etc.....

I can remember once, in frustration, telling Pepe he needed to choose time with me when it was difficult to make happen. I didn't need him to do that every time, but I needed him to choose me, just once in awhile, so I could see my importance. For the record, he would do that. There were many times he chose to go with me when it could very well have made his life difficult when dealing with the girl who didn't know of my existence. Once we got beyond year 7, that began to change with us.....at least HE began to change. My importance began to wane.

The hard and honest truth is this. We make time for things which are important to us. It still makes me a bit sad to think I lost my importance with him, but often times the truth is painful. Rejection is never easy so I try to keep this in mind when dealing with those in my life. There are times when I really don't feel like talking on the phone, going out for a drink or attending a party but I'll do these things anyway. There are people who are important enough to MAKE the time to spend with them.

Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but I've been mulling this over for about 3 years and I keep coming back to that same, simple truth. I'll say it again. We make the time for the things/people which are important to us. Think about it.

It's a Fine Line

2011-01-12T20:57:00.002-06:00

Lately I feel like I've lost my self identity. Maybe "lately" is a bit understated since I spent the better part of the last 10 years making adjustments to how I act and what I say so others feel comfortable and safe. And to be honest, I think that's a good thing to do, but at what point does it become too much? Where does one draw the line?

There's a fine line which separates the two extremes of everything. A fine line between love and hate, pleasure and pain, good and evil.......there's also a fine line between being true to one's self and being selfish. This one has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks and I'm trying to find the correct balance between the two. After all, isn't that what the fine line is; the balance one should strive to find? However, finding that balance and walking that fine line are often easier said than done.

Why should I feel selfish when I feel I've reached my tipping point when it comes to this fine line balance? The only thing I'm really good at is being myself and if I don't have that, it's very disconcerting. I'm not sure this is something I could even change since I've been doing it so long, but at least with the thought germinating in the back of my mind, I might be able to make it a bit more balanced.

A Continuing Struggle of Wants vs. Needs

2010-12-29T12:32:00.003-06:00

This year has been a study in Wants vs. Needs for me. If you missed it and you're interested, you can read about it here. However, this struggle between wants and needs is a bit different.

I've been somewhat at odds with the Universe for a few months and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who feel as though they've also gotten a bad deal lately, but I'm tired of being resigned to my fate. Although the things I'm doing may not change how the Universe deals with me, I'm blogging about my side of things just to get my message out there.

I started with my "personal ad" and will build upon that. If there's any mistaking what it is I'm looking for, I can point to my blog archive as documentation. So, if the Universe ever sees fit to send an available man along who is actually attracted to me, here's my view on wants vs. needs as it pertains to relationships.

I can remember Pepe saying to me once, "You don't need anybody" and I guess that's true. There are very few things in life which are needed to survive.....and as cold as it may seem, another person isn't one of them. One may be sad or lonely but the heart will go on beating and the sun will continue to rise and set.

The bottom line is this. I'd much rather be wanted than needed. Want implies the person has a choice. Out of all the people in the world, that person chooses to be with me. Not out of some perceived necessity. A need is something you don't have a choice about, at least by definition. And although I think many people use the word "need" in place of "want", I think language should be used more deliberately.

I want to be wanted. It's really just that simple.

Female seeks Male

2010-12-20T15:24:00.003-06:00

Youthful 39 yo woman with ever-changing hair color and tattoos seeks companion.

I am:
Formerly low-maintenance
Peace-seeking loner
Lover of stars and the night sky
Reader of books
Writer of blogs
Kind of a big deal
Prefers optimism
Excellent Cook
Fiercely loyal
Neurotic planner
Confirmed geek
Prefers mutually exclusive commitment over marriage
Prefers honesty over all else

You must be:
Available [that about sums it up]*

Oh....and you should agree that Empire Strikes Back is the best movie of the SW franchise.

*this means no girlfriends (live-in or otherwise), no fiances, no wives, no married but separated and not in negotiations.

Virtual Mix Tape, Volume 3

2010-11-22T12:52:00.007-06:00

Usually, when something is bothering me, I write about it. However, at the moment, I can't begin to explain what it is that's eating at me because it's almost too ironic for words, so I will go to the music. Music can always calm me and help me feel as though the universe is in balance (although the universe and I still aren't on speaking terms at the moment).

1. Always Something There to Remind Me- Naked Eyes
I have always loved this song and, although the songs of the 80s aren't really know for their lyrical genius, this one has words to which most of us can relate.

2. Wichita Lineman- Glen Campbell
One of the all-time best music collaborations will always be Glen Campbell and Jimmy Webb. This is one of the best love songs ever written.

3. I Want You- Fefe Dobson
Some of my selections this volume are a bit melancholy, so I'm including this peppy song just to help balance. However, I do love this song despite all its bubblegum popishness.
"I'm gonna gonna make you mine!"

4. Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer- Joan Baez
"I thought you would go then come back home....."
Alas, I don't think that was so.

5. End Love- Ok Go
I couldn't leave Ok Go out because they are one of my favorites at the moment. They are probably the most creative musicians I have come across in a long time. They always make me smile.
" 'cause you know you gotta eventually make up your mind"
"So won't you, so won't you talk to me. It's time to decide"

6. Til I Kissed You- The Everly Brothers
For a girl who has loved singing harmony since I was a wee thing, the Everly Brothers were a dream to sing with. But, don't ask me to sing any of their songs by myself because I only know the harmony!
'Never had you on my mind, now you're there all the time...."

7. Forever Young- Bob Dylan
I used some of these lyrics on my birthday invitation a few years ago and it's a great example of why I think Bob is one of the best song writers ever.

8. Top of the World- Patty Griffin
Had to include some Patty because she always speaks to my heart and makes me feel better. The world is a more beautiful place because of the songs she has given us and I love her for that.
"I wish I had known you, I wish I had shown you all of the things I was on the inside....."

9. Hey You- Heart
I love this song for so many reasons not the least of which is that Nancy plays the autoharp!
"I swear by my September stars/I will go where you are going/Forever's never very far/As my love is overflowing"

10. Tribulations- LCD Soundsystem
This band has such an eclectic and retro sound, there's no way I wasn't going to love them.
"You try making me wait....."

At Long Last- A Blog about My Lovey Mom

2010-11-15T15:12:00.003-06:00

It's November and as Thanksgiving approaches, so many are talking about things for which they are thankful. I'm thankful for many things, but this year I'd like to share my thankfulness for my mother, or Lovey Mom as I call her.

My mother is the wisest person I know.

Over the years, I have shared my mother's wisdom with friends and I think they would agree; she's phenomenal! Not only is she wise, but she is loving and I can't imagine how different my life would be if I didn't have the knowledge of her unconditional love.

When I look at myself and how I choose to live my life, my mother's mark is everywhere. Concepts and truths which I use in my day to day life can be directly traced to lessons she taught me as a young child. They are simple and practical lesson but the way she conveyed these concepts was creative, immediately effective and unforgettable.

1. Remember to Share.
I must have been about 5 years old when the concept of sharing became very real to me. I was playing with a fascinating toy (which I think was called moon sand, but it's not like the moon sand of this generation). There was blue and white "sand" between Plexiglas and it would swirl and swirl. No matter which way you turned it, the colors wouldn't mix. While I was playing in mesmerizing silence, one of my sisters asked if they could play with it......to which I said, "no". When my mother heard me say no, she warned me that I should remember to share. When I didn't heed her sage advice, she took action. My punishment was that I would have to carry that toy with me for the rest of the day.

At the beginning, it was fine and my 5 year old logic thought I had gotten the better end of the deal.......that is, until I grew tired of the moon sand and moved to something else more fun. When that would happen, there was my mother, moon sand in hand saying, "Heather, you forgot this" and back into my hands it would go. Every time I would leave it, there was Lovey Mom to give it back to me. It was held through meals, in the bathroom, wherever I went until it was time for bed. And there's where the lesson entered the picture. As I was allowed to finally put the moon sand down and I got into bed my mother quietly and lovingly said, "I know you got very tired of playing with just this one toy today, but the next time someone asks you nicely if they can also play with something, remember how you feel right now and you will have an easier time sharing." She was right.

From that point on, every time I was tempted to NOT share, I would remember that day and, suddenly, sharing didn't seem like such a bad option. Not only did this impact my childhood, but it's something I continually use as an adult. It helps me to have the compassion to help others. To share of my time, talents, manpower, etc.....with friends who need it.
Thank you for making me carry the moon sand all day, Lovey Mom!

2. Don't Hit!
Many of you know my sister, Melissa and I are just a year apart, so our whole childhood is kind of a tandem memory. We shared a room for 14 years and over those years, many disagreements would arise. During one such disagreement when I was 6 and Melissa 7, I told her to suck my big toe (this was a big deal, because the use of the word "suck" was risky in and of itself). Melissa said, "okay" and I promptly pulled off my sock and, like an idiot, stuck my toe in her mouth. That's when everything started to spiral out of my control. Melissa bit down and in my shock, I rared back, open palm ready to strike in order to gain liberation for my big toe! And.....that's precisely when my mother walked in.

Although I didn't land a blow on my sister, that was of no importance to Lovey Mom. The intent was there and that was enough to spur her into action. Being the wise mother that she is, she knew there was blame on both sides of the equation, so the punishment was to be shared between us. She made us stand, facing one another just a little less than an arms length away and began to teach a powerful lesson. She grabbed Melissa's hand and made her make a fist and she said to her, "I want you to take your fist and hit Heather as hard as you can" and then she dropped Melissa's hand and grabbed mine and made me make a fist and said, "after she hits you, I want you to hit her as hard as you can". She dropped my hand and continued, "and I want you to take turns hitting each other until you fall down!"

At this point Melissa and I were in tears, thinking our mother had gone off the deep end. Wanting us to hit each other on purpose? That was unheard of! When, through our tears, she heard us say we didn't want to do that, she said, "If you don't want to hit your sister, don't raise your hand". Again, she was right. And I am a pacifist.

Thank you Lovey Mom for teaching me to solve problems with words, not fists.

This blog would be too long if I listed all the wonderful things my mother has taught me and the valuable advice she has given, but I wanted to share a couple of them as a way to show how very blessed I am.

Thank you, Lovey Mom! Thank you for telling me you'd take me with you if you ran away! Thank you for all you are to me. I love you!

Fighting Hunger, Serving Others

2010-06-29T23:59:00.003-05:00

Throughout the last 9 months, one of the most frustrating things I've encountered is the lack of nutritious food available to those with a limited income. Many times what's affordable are items off a fast food "dollar menu". Those things will keep one from starving, but at what cost to ones health? This food has the potential to create long-term health concerns in the very group which can least afford health care. My personal experience with eating on a limited income has been shocking. Even though I ate less often and was down to eating one meal a day for a couple of months, I actually gained weight because all I could afford was crap......over-processed, empty carbs and food packed with fat.

I started exploring the community garden concept in the hopes that fresh produce could be offered at an affordable price to those who otherwise could not afford it. I have found a couple of community gardens with whom I will try to work, but in the process of my research, I stumbled upon something which has my belly on fire with a passion I haven't felt in a very long time.

I started out to compile a list of companies who donate leftover food at the end of the day to community kitchens and in the process found this amazing organization: One World, Everybody Eats. This non-profit community kitchen operates on the "pay what you can" concept and offers a healthy, organic meal each day. The thing I love about this concept is that NO ONE goes hungry. If one doesn't have the money for a meal, one can sign up to work a shift. Incredible!

So, I have started the journey to form a 501(c)3 and have several grants lined up to apply for once everything is in place. Hopefully, by this time next year "Courtney's Community Kitchen"* will be fully operational and serving those in the OKC metro area. If you're interested in helping, please contact me via the comments on this blog. If you want to find a community kitchen in your area, please click the One World link above!

*The name is pending approval from Courtney's family.

Strengthening my Resolve: My housing "crisis" annihilated by a humbling reminder

2010-06-02T15:10:00.003-05:00

I hate to be hot, and more specifically, I can't sleep when I'm hot. Yes, it's true, I wear a sweater almost every day of the year- even in summer, but if I get too warm, I can take it off. The past two days I've been cooking in a kitchen with no AC. It really isn't unbearable, but when it's coupled with my current "living" arrangement, it has had a very bad effect on me.

The next sentence is hard for me to type, but without this bit of fact, this blog won't make as much sense.

I am homeless.

There, it's out in the open, although that statement is a bit misleading because all of my possessions are still in my house, but I don't/can't live there for several reasons and it has basically become a storage unit until I can get rid of most of the things stored there and find a place to move the rest. That's where the crumbling of my resolve comes in. I'm very fortunate to have friends who allow me to crash at their homes but, as with everything else I've learned through this oddessey of unemployment/homelessness/poverty, it's never as simple or as easy as it might seem.

One of the things I dislike the most in this world is asking to stay with someone. I hate feeling as though I'm imposing on my friends and knowing they wouldn't say no even if it were an imposition. Knowing that is the worst. Worse than having no place to stay. Because of that, I think I understand why a person would go to a shelter, sleep in their car or stay on the streets.

Even now, I hate revealing so much about my circumstances because I worry people will try to "fix" things for me or perceive this post as a plea for a handout. Nothing is broken and I've made a conscious choice to commit to a job that is only part-time so I can have time to devote to helping alleviate some of the hunger and poverty in our community (and I promise there's a blog in the near future about some of the new things I've been working on and towards).

Yet lately, I've felt my resolve to live a simpler life slipping. I've been back to work for 2 months and I already find myself trying to find ways to make more money......but why? So I can help more people? So I can send money to my parents to make their retirement totally carefree and easy? So children in underprivileged areas can have potable water?

NO.

Sadly, I've been wanting to make more money so I can have more. Specifically, a space of my own......and air conditioning....and wifi......and, and, and. Sheesh!

I know, I know......it's not wrong or bad to want more, but I know it's not going to make me happy and those things will own ME instead of my owning them. And, just when I think I'm going to start sending out my resume to see if there are any high-paying, full-time jobs to be had, I hear an interview that snaps me back to reality.......the reality I know is the path for me at this point in my life.

Hannah and Kevin Salwen, authors of "The Power of Half" were on the second hour of the Diane Rehm Show today. Just as I was feeling sorry for myself and the fact that I don't make enough money to afford to live on my own, this interview comes on and totally kicks my ass and snaps me back to where I need to be. I've heard a few interviews with them and there is always a mixed reaction about the path this family has chosen to take. Take the time to visit their website here and if you're interested in learning more, buy their book.

The heat makes me cranky but, because there are those who can't find relief from the heat and those who can't make the hunger subside, I will strengthen my resolve; continue on this incredible journey and, as my mother says, get glad in the same pants about my life.

Wants vs. Needs

2010-03-31T12:46:00.004-05:00

So many times I have heard myself say, "Oh, I need to do that" or "I really need this" but that's rarely the case. The truth be told, there are very few things in life which are truly necessity. Air to breathe, water to drink, a bit of nourishment for energy and, if one is lucky, a place to sleep at night. Outside of that, everything else is really a want.

I was fortunate to grow up in a home where my parents made great sacrifices so I and my siblings would never go without. Not only did we have all the necessities, but we had extras...certainly nothing too extravagant, but I had an ideal childhood. Having grown up in comfort, I believe I came to expect certain things as necessities and the lines between wants versus needs became blurred.

Sometimes it takes a life-changing event to open ones eyes and for me that event was 6 months with little-to-no income. When faced with such monetary challenges of having money for a month of food and still being able to keep gas in my car (necessary in case I was called for an interview), I discovered this great truth: I don't need as much to survive as I once believed. My whole attitude towards salary, possessions and wants versus needs has changed.

At this time last year I was making $35,000 as a single person....no other humans depending on me for food and shelter. I lived in a 2,200 sq.ft. home and thought I was living modestly. WRONG! Once the source of income was gone (from a job I hated and was miserable each day I had to drag myself to the office) I suddenly felt unburdened. I'm not even sure I can effectively explain how I felt, but I knew, despite the seemingly bleak circumstances, I was happy. There were lots of challenges to overcome, but I've arrived at a new place and I don't want to go back to those old habits and confining thought processes.

I currently hold a part time job which pays me $11,500 a year. I maintain a wardrobe of clothing and accessories which will fit in 2 overnight bags. Three mornings a week are spent helping others and 1/4 of my income is giving to charitable organizations who help those who are hungry, out of work and homeless. I don't want to mislead anyone and have someone think I've given up all luxury and am living as lean as possible. I still pay for a cell phone and to have my hair cut and colored every 6 weeks. Maybe I'll be convicted on down the line to give up the haircare routine, but for now I'm happy with how things stand.

One of the things I've noticed is how others are starting to discover their own struggle with wants versus needs. And once that conviction gets a hold of you, beware! It makes one do some radical things. Maybe because of my own experience with being on the edge of homelessness I'm more aware of people who show a passion and compassion for those in need, but I'm encouraged that maybe, just maybe, there's a movement starting which could very well change the fabric of our nation. But, even if I'm too optimistic, I want to continue to live as modestly as possible and help those, whenever possible, who don't have the support and resources I have been given.

Although I think everyone would find simplifying their life a rewarding and blessing-filled endeavor, I realize it's not a journey everyone can/will take and I hold no judgement over anyone and how they chose to live. However, since I have been convicted of my life of excess, I can no longer live it. I really could write on and on about the blessings I've received since "wiping my slate", but instead I want to leave you with a project one of my sorority sister's from college just started. When I read her facebook post about the "Seven" Project I was so inspired and excited for what she was doing I wanted to share it here. For seven months, she and her family are confronting the excess in their lives. To read about how the project came about, you can click HERE, but for the purpose of conserving length, I'll just list her outline for the seven months of project Seven.

1. Month One: "Put the Burger Down and Back Away Slowly"
I only eat seven foods: chicken, eggs, whole wheat bread, spinach, sweet potatoes, avocados, and apples.

2. Month Two: “Nice Shirt”
I wear the same seven articles of clothes, speaking engagements included: one pair of jeans, one long-sleeved black shirt, two short-sleeved t-shirts, one pair of exercise pants, one dressy shirt, and two pairs of shoes.

3. Month Three: "Sonic, Barnes and Noble, and Other Places that Will Miss My Money"
Me and my family will only spend money at seven places: Online bill pay, one gas station, Farmer’s Market, the kids’ school, adoption agency, limited travel expense fund, and emergency medical.

4. Month Four: "Going Radio Silent"
The family eliminates seven media and social networks: NO internet (except for work), gaming, TV, radio, iPhone apps, Facebook/Twitter, or texting. Laptops for work shut down at 5pm.

5. Month Five: "The Great Giveaway" (Yes, I’ve Done the Math)
The Hatmakers give seven things away a day that we own. Additionally, The Council is adopting a family transitioning off the streets, and we will furnish their entire apartment by donating items we already own.

6. Month Six: "Composting, Sharing a Car, and Other Hippy Things I Never Thought I’d Do"
Our family adopts seven substantial habits for a greener life: gardening, composting, buying only local products, sharing one car, shopping thrift and second-hand, rainwater harvesting (too hippie?), and comprehensive recycling.

7. Month Seven: "Being Quiet, Being Still, Being Grateful"
Together, the family will observe “seven sacred pauses” daily: the night watch, the awakening hour, the blessing hour, the hour of illumination, the wisdom hour, the twilight hour, and the great silence. Additionally, we observe a weekly Sabbath, from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday.

What an inspiring list! I know it has given me some new things to think about in my own personal quest for discerning wants versus needs. I hope you find some inspiration in it, too!

New Direction

2010-03-02T08:54:00.003-06:00

After 6 months of unemployment, I started a new job yesterday. It's only a part-time job an pays only a fraction of what I've been used to making for the last decade, but I've never been happier.

I really didn't write much of my unemployment this time around and I'm not sure why, but I suspicion it had to do more with my outlook than anything. Simply put, I wasn't scared, unhappy, depressed or any of the things one would think came part and parcel with the territory. I really feel it was the best way for me to discern the path I need to take; the new direction.

One of the things which really concerned me during my lean months was the type and quality of foods available [read: affordable] while on a very limited budget. I know I'm guilty of having looked into other carts at the grocery store and thinking, "you wouldn't be overweight if you didn't fill your basket with crap". However, I've changed my opinion. I'm sure there are some who eat junk no matter what their income, but the sad reality is most can't afford the healthy things such as fresh produce and whole grain breads.

Even going to a fast food establishment one sees the same trend. A double cheeseburger is available for $1.00 but a salad (made from iceberg lettuce at that) is $5.00! It doesn't take an advanced mathematician to figure out which economic class is eating the double cheeseburger. And I'm not even going to start on how the very class who either doesn't have health insurance or can't afford it are those most likely to need it once their arteries are caked with plaque because they had to survive by eating meals picked from the dollar menus!

But, I digress.

I've had six months to witness firsthand the challenges faced by countless Americans each day. During those times I was thankful to know my situation was temporary, but my heart was so convicted about how much actual wealth I had squandered over the years. So, I'm switching gears and my life has a new direction. Even this blog has taken a new direction during the last half year and I appreciate those who have stuck with me as I discover the new path. [and, if you miss the fluffier reading, feel free to check out my other blog As Seen in the 405!]

Trying to tie this up and connect the dots, I resisted taking a job which was only part-time. This particular job was dangled in front of me almost 2 months before I acted on it. But, now I feel it's absolutely where I needed to be, for lots of reasons. I really want to do something to make my community a better place. I know I don't have much to give monetarily, but my heart and my drive is full and ready to give, so I'm exploring ways to start some sort of community garden which will, hopefully, make fresh produce affordable to those who need it most. Working part time is going to give me that opportunity and I couldn't be happier about it.

Watch for more info about the community garden as I learn and work through the process. I can't change the world, but I'm going to do my damnedest to make a difference where I live!

Absolute Self-Indulgence

2010-02-27T13:20:00.004-06:00

Wednesday was a tough day for me.
I hate not being able to write the blog I need to write. *

And yet, I'm trying.

I miss him.
I miss talking to him everyday.
I miss the ease with which our conversation would flow.
I miss saying the same things at the same time
I miss his bottom lip.
I feel bad for missing his bottom lip, as though it's not allowed.
I miss having lunch with him.
I miss 7 AM meetings.

I miss him.
I miss him and I feel bad bad about missing him
as if it's wrong and unacceptable to miss that which was such a large part of my daily life for over a year.
Past meetings, conversations and touches are all good memories for me.
I feel bad that my good memories are painful reminders to him.
I feel helpless and tolerated
I'm jealous of those women
[single women]
who get to enjoy his friendship while I'm not allowed.
I miss him and don't want to feel bad that my missing him
will be misinterpreted and mistaken for something it's not.

I'm broken.
It's harmless.
I miss him.

*[to the inconsiderate and foolish person who approached him before and made him feel threatened.....I know what you said to him (as if he and I are not still close enough he wouldn't tell me about it) and if it happens again, prepare for your world to change drastically. You got a free pass the first time, but I will not tolerate a second indiscretion on your part.]

Effectuating Change

2010-02-21T22:48:00.003-06:00

Effectuating change. Is that really possible?

I believe so.

Maybe it's my optimistic view of the world which makes me think it's possible, but I really do believe all the small things one does to make the world a better place add up. Given recent circumstances in my life, I've become much more aware of those in need of help. I was fortunate to have parents who taught me the "Golden Rule" when I was little. It's such a basic concept, but so very true. If everyone would treat others the way they wanted to be treated, this world would be a better place.

Even with all the bad breaks I've had the past six months, all those things are temporary. I wake up healthy everyday and for that I'm so thankful. So many aren't that fortunate.

My friend, Nick Simpson, is doing his part to make this world a better place. He's part of a team of cyclists who will be riding from Houston to Austin in April to raise money and awareness for Multiple Sclerosis. This is a cause which hits close to home for me because my dear brother-in-law has an aunt who has been living with MS for decades. He also had an uncle who lived with MS for years before losing his battle.

Instead of trying to describe the many ways MS affects and afflicts those who have it, I will provide links to the National MS Society's page. But first, I'd like to make a personal request:

If you and your loved ones are healthy, please take a moment to visit Nick's donation page and consider making a donation. You can donate any amount you'd like.....even if it's as little as $1.00. Click HERE for Nick's page. You can see his goal and watch his progress towards it.

Thank you in advance for considering a donation. To learn more about MS. Click HERE. Knowledge is power.

Charity Begins at Home?

2010-01-16T23:33:00.004-06:00

Although I don't watch much television, I'm constantly connected to the internet via my laptop or phone. It is impossible to escape the on-going reports of the devastation and the chaotic aftermath in Haiti.

It seems everyone (including my Farmville application on Facebook) is launching ways to aid those effected by this tragedy. It makes me proud to know America is still the country all eyes turn to in a crisis, but given my current situation, I think my perspective is a bit different than it would have been just 6 months ago.

Let me be clear by stating I understand our nation is best poised to help with a tragedy of such large proportions. But, for all the private citizens who have dug deep and made donations, I want to pose this question: "Where were those charitable dollars and an attitude to help a fellow human being 2 weeks ago? Two months ago?"

I know it's uncomfortable to confront the problems of poverty and homelessness.....especially in our own backyard, but I find it frustrating there are so many fellow Americans who have no idea where they will sleep tonight or where their next meal will come from. Many of these include families......children without a safe place to sleep.

I feel it's necessary for our Nation to help the people of Haiti, but charity should begin at home. It's hypocritical to open the pocket books for this tragedy while ignoring what's going on in our own home.

I urge you all the take the time to visit the website of the National Coalition for the Homeless for statistics on homelessness and ways to help.

Finally...My First Blog of 2010

2010-01-10T16:40:00.005-06:00

I'm not really sure how to explain my lack of blogging over the past few months. One would think it would be easier to blog with so much "free time" on my hands, but that's just not the case. I really am an optimistic person and I'm convinced I have an over abundance of serotonin. The over abundance makes it virtually impossible for me to experience depression...even the common depression most people call the "blues". Lately though, I'm wondering if my inability to blog might be my version of the "blues".

Of course, if that's the worst I feel when I've been unemployed for 4 and a half months and am on the verge of losing the grip I have on the last bit of semblance of my former life, you'll not hear me complain. But, then again, maybe my lack of blogging comes from one of the many wise lessons my very wise mother taught me......"Heather, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

I know her words of wisdom are meant to keep one from saying mean and ugly things to another, but I feel it also helps one deal with difficult times in life if one chooses to filter all the bad things going on through this wise truth. Anyway, everyone knows I've always got some hair-brained theory bumping around in my noggin.....I guess this is just the latest.

Other things which have been on my mind are much weightier topics of which I'm unsure about being ready to discuss. Not because I don't want to share them yet, but rather, because I feel I need to do a bit more research to be as informed as I can before I possibly reveal my ignorance to the blogosphere. However, I don't mind throwing the subject matter out there so it can begin to marinate in one's mind as I begin to put my ducks in a row to write about these things.

Currently on my mind:

The homeless: How and where do they go to survive the bitter cold? Are some shelters more dangerous than others or are they all equally dangerous? How does one apply for jobs with no phone or address? Our attitude toward the homeless and unemployed: perception vs. reality.

Resources for single people with NO children: Why are there no government programs outside of unemployment for those who have chosen to be responsible and not get knocked up? Where do single people go when they have no where else to turn?

I know there are more topics which will probably come about once I delve into the research on these things, but for now, this is what I'll be working on. I've been hesitant to take on these topics as it might be hard to keep my optimistic approach given the subject matter, but as I'm an optimistic person and I'll be drawing on some of my own experiences, I think I'll be able to keep it on the optimistic side of things. I'm trying to boost awareness, not depress people.

I always welcome your comments and posts, but if you feel you have something to share and want to keep it between you and me, just send me a message.

Until the next blog.........grace and peace to you all.

It Is Done

2009-12-08T18:38:00.003-06:00

I've been going through some old writing and I found this "gem" which was written about Pepe almost a decade ago. It made me chuckle while reading it and I decided to share it (and the laughs).

It is done--
I threw caution to the wind
through a crack in the window!

Funny--
How quickly the wind died
and came the deathly calm and silence.

The peace I formerly craved
now envelopes me
and I am inconsolable.

My mind races--
desperate to recapture
what has moved away on the breeze

But, no matter how fast I go,
I can't seem to catch that Elusive Wind
which has carried my hopes away.

What a Difference a Year Makes!

2009-12-07T13:34:00.005-06:00

It's odd how, on the surface, my current circumstances resemble last year. I'm currently unemployed......with no great prospects on the horizon. I have a lot fewer resources than last year (even with a roommate......who has turned out to be more expensive than helpful). However, despite the seeming gloominess of the situation, I'm happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. A few months ago I mentioned in a blog how I wished I could just sell everything I owned and travel........but my virgo sensibilities kept me from being able to do that. Where would I get money? How could I make it? Today, it seems so much more feasible. I think I got too wrapped up in the tangible things and thought those things were what created my "life", but that's so far from the truth. It's the little things like watching my nieces and nephews laugh and play together, getting a text from my 5 year old goddaughter sent via her mother. Knowing I have family and friends who love and understand me. And knowing things can always be worse, and for many others, things are worse.

It would probably horrify most of my friends if they knew how close to being homeless I am. But, something in the universe keeps bringing me back to this place and I can't ignore there must be a reason why......something I didn't learn the first time I was here. So, I'm trying to be still and listen for the lessons I'm meant to gain from this time in my life.

On a more bloggy note, I noticed yesterday I averaged a blog a week for 2008.......I'm well behind that pace for 2009. I'm contemplating trying to blog just a little a day to make up for it, but I probably won't unless I feel I have something I want to write.

I hope this post doesn't come across as a downer. For how I'm feeling is so far from it. I have so many blessings in my life for which to be thankful. My life is full of family and friends.........and I'm not chained to a job I hate!

I Took the Road Less Traveled (IMO)

2009-12-03T19:56:00.003-06:00

A year ago I posted a blog about my "Psycho Girl Theory", a problem which has perplexed me for years. [follow the hyperlink to read my "theory"]

Because of my inability to manifest any incarnation of the "psycho girl" I felt there were instances (several, in fact) where I lost the guy. Don't get me wrong.......deep down, I really believe if a man is capable of caving in the face of histrionics (or incapable of resiting it), he's NOT the man for me.

It is with extreme tentativeness I write this blog but, [drum roll, please] after almost 9 years of taking the high road, minding my p's and q's and conducting myself in a manner in which I can always look myself in the mirror and know I was true to what I believe to my very core.......brace yourselves.......it appears I have beaten the psycho girl.

Despite all the distractions (ahem....other men) which have entered my life in the last 18 months, I found myself returning to one I never intended to see after the night we met. Almost 9 years later and I really, really can't ignore the easy, comfortable connection I have with this man.

I'm not sure what the future holds for me where he is concerned, but for the first time, I feel like I have a chance. And, although I can't fake some sort of infantile fit to secure a man's affections, I have learned to not be so passive with revealing my feelings.

So.....here it is for the blogosphere: I really, really like this man and want him to be in my life as long as possible. Sorry, if you were expecting a declaration of love. I do love him in many ways, but prefer to keep those revelations between he and I.....he's just that important to me and I've been wrong to not freely admit it.

WHEW! I feel much better now with the record having been set straight! If anyone is interested in my Soul Mate Theory, you can read about it HERE

Better Late than Never.....Right?!?

2009-12-03T18:35:00.004-06:00

I've been so lax about editing the TONS of video I have from Talent Quest Nationals. I have 2 more edited and am working my way through the rest. I will most likely just keep adding the newly edited footage here instead of a new, devoted blog for each group.

Sorry for the delay, folks! Keep checking back for the new footage!

Jenny Diehl, Semi-Final Round, Pop Female, 2nd Place Nationals:

Jimmy Tighe 2, Round 2:

Links I Like....and want to share with you all!

2009-11-10T09:40:00.004-06:00

I haven't done a link-sharing blog in a loooooong time, so I've decided to write a short post and include a few of my current favorite links.

Justin TV- http://justin.tv

I discovered this channel while looking for a place to watch a free, live-stream of OU games. What a goldmine! In addition to the game, there are a few channels which constantly stream programs and movies I love. The only draw back is there's no set viewing schedule.....where ever the channel is when you log in, is where you start.....and it contines from there. But, it's free, so the "draw back" is in no way a complaint from me! Here are some channels I watch often.

Cartoon Palace-this channel constantly streams feature length cartoons. So far, they've been Disney and Pixar.....and they aren't just old movies....this morning, they've had "Up" in the streaming loop. If you have kids, you'll love this channel!

True Crime- this channel streams shows like Forensic Files and all sorts of documentaries about serical killers, forensic science, etc......

BBT Seasons 1-3i this channel isn't always online, but he streams the first 3 seasons of Big Bang Theory when he is......that show is hysterical!!!! Sheldon is my favorite!

Star Wars, Episodes I-VI- a constant, live-stream of all 6 Star Wars movies. Although I don't care too much for episodes I-III, I still enjoy this channel!

Go check it out and search around........not a disappointment at all!

Buckethead

2009-11-02T18:32:00.008-06:00

I'm almost at a loss for where I should start this blog about Buckethead. I truly feel nothing I say would do justice to the talent one human being possesses and who has chosen to share it with the world.

To be quite honest, I hadn't really heard of Buckethead until the beginning of this year when my friend, Shawn, posted a picture of him on facebook. Even then I wasn't privy to the knowledge of WHO Buckethead was. For weeks I tried to deductively reason an explanation of the picture and who/what it was from the comments left by others who obviously knew who he was. I, however, was unsuccessful and didn't dare ask lest I look foolish for not knowing. Don't get me wrong......I am foolish. Foolish for waiting 6 months to finally man up and ask about Buckethead.

Shawn was gracious and didn't make fun of me for my ignorance (although I really deserve anything he could dish out as repayment for the "Mark Hamil Incident"). He not only introduced me to the wonderfully versatile repertoire of Buckethead but also gave me some invaluable pointers about where to start as a fledgling listener. [THANK YOU, SHAWN!]

This is Buckethead:

I could spend time trying to explain the "persona" or unmask him, but for what reason? I've spent countless hours chasing links on the internet and I would encourage any and all to read the information floating around the cybersphere. Here's what I'll tell you about him before I put links to a few tracks. Buckethead was born Brian Patrick Carroll on May 13th, 1969. That's right.....he's a 13-baby! There's an interesting story about why he wears the bucket and mask(originally it was a KFC bucket), but in all honesty, I believe he wears it because it's about the music. Let me say that again: It's all about the music. I didn't read this anywhere and it's totally my own theory, but as a music lover, it just makes sense and seems obvious to me. He has recorded over 50 albums of original work in his 40 years on this terrestial sphere. Go ahead, do the math.....that's more than an album a year if he had burst from the womb shredding. From everything I've read, no one contends that was the case. In fact most accounts have him appearing on the "guitar scene" in 1988.

Although I didn't actually know about Buckethead, that's not to say I had never heard any of his work. For a few years, I've heard my nephews talk about "Jordan", one of the hidden tracks they unlocked on the original Guitar Hero. [I'll blog at a later date about the influence GH has had on the music tastes of the younger generation!]

There are plenty of wiki articles which will give you a rundown of the chronology of his prolific guitar career since 1988 if you're interested. Those who know me, know when I find a topic intriguing, I will become obsessed about learning everything I can about it. So, after listening to a few tracks, I dove headfirst into the first stages of my obsession and read. And then read and read and read........all the while listening to his music and looking at his artwork. [Oh, did I forget to mention that?] I feel certain everyone who listens to his music will find something they love.....something which will speak to them. For me, it's his sense of family. From his parents taking him to drop off his first demo when he was a teenager, to the impromptu backyard DVD which was a recording of him playing a concert for his siblings, to the beautifully written melodies on Colma, a CD recorded while his mother was battling cancer.

Instead of putting my favorites, I'm going to point you in the direction my sage friend, Shawn (revealer of Buckethead) pointed me.

Enjoy! And, if you like what you hear, dive in and enjoy all his work! Spread the work to your friends.........there's something for everyone!

All in the Waiting (from Electric Tears)

All in The Waiting - Buckethead

Soothsayer

Soothsayer - Buckethead

Watching the Boats with my Dad

Watching The Boats With My Dad - Buckethead

And.....his tribute to Michael Jackson: The Homing Beacon

Mashup Madness

2009-10-21T22:02:00.006-05:00

SO.....SOMEOME DIDN'T LIKE ME GIVING LINKS TO THEIR WORK AND BLOGGER PULLED MY BLOG UNTIL I REMOVED THE LINKS. HERE'S THE POST AGAIN, SANS LINKS. [I KEPT THE LINKS TO THE DJS WEBSITES IN.....IF THEY OBJECT TO WEB TRAFFIC FROM MY BLOG, THEY CAN KISS MY A$$]

I've really been on a mashup kick lately. I've been surfing from site to site and occasionally posting links to mp3 files on facebook when I ran across a mashup I liked. So, in an effort to spare my facebook friends a million mashups in their newsfeed, I've decided to post the links here and then just post the link for my blog on facebook. See the logic? One million links in the facebook newsfeed have just been condensed to one!

I'd really like to save my favorite mashup until the end of the blog, but I want EVERYONE to hear this one, so I'm going to put it first. This master mashup is by Mad Mix Mustang.

I've Got More Than a Feeling -
Boston-More Than a Feeling vs. The Black Eyed Peas- I've Got a Feeling.

The rest of the mashups aren't in any particular order. Some of them I like because of the simple genius behind combining 2 songs so seamlessly, some are here because the mashup contains an artist I normally wouldn't listen to but the mashup makes me like the song and some are here just because they make me smile. Enjoy the music mashups!

SpacemanOnFire (mashup by Lasso the Moon)
Kings of Leon- Sex on Fire
The Killers- Spaceman
with snippets of T-Rex- Bang-a-Gong

4 Minutes to Mix the World (mashup by Chris Fletcher)
Fletcher uses 50 different songs in this mashup! See how many you can hear. You can find a complete list of tracks used on his website

Brooklyn Rocks (mashup by Lobsterdust)
Beastie Boys-No Sleep Till Brooklyn
Joan Jett- I Love Rock and Roll

Dance Dreams (mashup by Divide and Kreate)
Lady GaGa- Just Dance
Eurythmics- Sweet Dreams

Pink Wedding (mashup by Go Home Productions)
Pink- Let's Get this Party Started
Billy Idol- White Wedding

If I Were a Free Fallin' Boy ( mashup by DJ Earworm)
Tom Petty- Free Fallin
Beyonce- If I Were a Boy

Don't Stop Believin' In Planet Rock (mashup by A + D)
Journey- Don't Stop Believin'
Afrika Bambaataa- Planet Rock

Reckoner Lockdown (mashup by DJ Earworm)
Kanye West- Love Lockdown
Radiohead- Reckoner

Enter You (mashup by Wax Audio)
Metallica- Enter the Sandman
Bryan Adams- Run to You

Touch My Girlfriend (mashup by Titus Jones)
Mariah Carey- Touch My Body
Avril Lavigne- Girlfriend

And......I leave you with mashup by DJ Earworm. Annie Lennox asked him to make a killer mashup of songs from her solo career. Not only did he make a stellar mashup, but he also spliced together snippets of all the videos to make a mashup video as well.

Backwards/Forwards

A Confession (of sorts)

2009-10-19T21:35:00.004-05:00

My name is Heather and I'm a book-a-holic.

I've been addicted to books and reading for as long as I can remember. It started at a very young age.......

Having been born third of four children probably helped form my addiction because by the time I arrived, my parents had already amassed a fairly good portion of what would become a sizable collection of children's books. [Please don't think I'm blaming my addiction on my parents, although they fully enabled and encouraged all of us to read quietly as often as we wanted.]

By the time I started first grade, I was well on my way to becoming a bibliophile but something happened which would impact my life so profoundly and cement my future as an addict.

I learned to read.

I remember the exact day, too. Seems simple enough, doesn't it? But for me, that day changed my whole life in an instant and the memory of it is still so vivid in my mind. I was so excited the day reading actually "clicked" for me. I don't know.....maybe my excitement stemmed from the fact of being the baby girl with 2 older sisters who could already read and my competitive, Virgo nature just wanted to catch up with them. Nevertheless, the day I learned to read (seriously, that very day), I marched straight to the library after school and announced to Mrs. Neighbors, the librarian,

"I can read! I need a library card!"

Looking back, I'm sure it thrilled Mrs. Neighbors' book-loving, librarian heart to see a 6 year old so excited about books and reading, but I was oblivious to any of that because I was soaring above the clouds, heady with my own sense of triumph!

Mrs. Neighbors lovingly typed up a library card for me. It read,

Cook, Heather
First Grade, Mrs. Jordan

After the card was prepared, she helped me select my first book for check out. When the transaction was complete, I headed for home with "A Fine Meal". I remember taking the book out of my bag and rushing to show my mother. When I close my eyes, I can see it as if it were yesterday. She and I, sitting on the edge of her bed, my feet dangling and the book perched on our laps; the front cover on her leg, the back cover on mine. I pointed to the words as I read them aloud. At then end of each 3 or 4 word sentence I would pause, look up at my mother and exclaim my astonishment, "See mom, the letters make WORDS" I said, as if I were revealing the secrets of the universe to her.....or at least a great truth she had yet to discover.

Few things in my life have been so earth-shakingly profound as that day of discovery. To realize the alphabet I'd been reciting since kindergarten held such wonder and power within it! It's no wonder I was almost instantly addicted.

Throughout my childhood, my parents eagerly fed my addiction. Summers were spent with weekly trips to the library where I would participate in the summer reading program. It was as good as candy to me! [To this day, I love the crunchy sound of the cello-wrapped books as you open them and the smell of the pages, too!] In addition to my weekly trips to the library, my father would purchase a youth summer book club subscription for me. Once a month I would receive a cardboard box, addressed to me which contained 2-3 hardcover books. I'd also get a canvas bag with each summer's subscription.........it was absolute heaven for me! I'm sure my father would have enrolled my sisters had they shared even the slightest bit of my enthusiasm for books and reading, but he knew I would share my books (but only after I'd read them).

By the time I was in junior high, I owned so many books my shelves had reached critical mass. In an effort to feed my need for books but not collapse my shelves, I discovered a second-hand book shop where I could bring in books I'd already read to trade for others I hadn't yet read! I'm sure it seems as if checking out books from the library would be a sensible option, but to any true bibliophile, owning the book is part of the addiction.

In 2000, I started a 7 year stint as Community Relations Manager for Barnes & Noble. One of the perks of the job were ARCs (advanced reading copies) and review copies of books. Just imagine putting a chocoholic to work at Hershey's and then telling them they get free samples of all the chocolate! Needless to say, during my employment at B&N my library more than quadrupled in size. I moved to a 3 bedroom home just so I could have a room to turn into a library!

I decided to confess my book addiction to you all because this Friday is the Norman Friends of the Library sale. It's not as big at the Oklahoma City Library Book sale, but what they lack in size, they make up for in quality! Every year I find at least one treasure and several things on my list of books I've been wanting to read.

I will come home Friday night with the spoils of a book lover's victory, spread the books beside me on the bed and examine them all, carefully deciding which book will gain the honor of being the "first read". I will read until I fall asleep with the book in my hand, waking up the next morning with a glorious book hang-over!

My name is Heather and I'm a book-a-holic.

Another One Bites the Dust!

2009-10-04T00:33:00.004-05:00

I don't recall if I've blogged here about a certain quartet of men who have made hasty choices where marriage is concerned. BUT, if you're friends with me on Facebook, you've certainly seen frustrated posts about it there.

Here's the scoop. Within 4 months, all 4 of these men have either gotten engaged or married to women with whom they constantly fight and complain about their psycho ways. The first one to marry, stayed in that marriage only 2 months before realizing he had made a huge error and decided to cut his losses and leave. The second to tie the knot revealed this week he'll be doing the same.............sheesh! What compels men to marry these psycho-bitches?!? The third has just recently married, so I'll give it a generous 9 months before it implodes.

And, the 4th......well, he isn't married yet. I'm holding out hope for him. In fact, I'm thinking of staging an intervention. I mean, honestly, I just don't understand why this happens!

I have all sorts of theories about why this happens, but I don't want to throw them out for public consumption, yet. I just needed to vent and get it off my chest...........and lest you think I'm placing the blame on the men, go up to the search field at the top and type in "psycho girl theory" to read my rant about the behavior of some women.

Here's one thing that's certain: If I have to act crazy and throw fits to keep a man, COUNT ME OUT! There have been plenty of times I could have cut some other girl's game by starting drama, but I'm far too practical and SANE to do anything like that.

This madness has to STOP!

What I know to be Certain

2009-10-02T20:15:00.004-05:00

I've been going through a lot of transition over the past year and a half. I don't for an instant think it's over, but at least the majority of it is.

Someday I'll write about what I call the "Pendulum Effect" which always happens when one decides to make changes in one's life. I've written a lot about my non-traditional views on relationships and about how I was making some changes in that area and I've also written about my concerns that my non-traditional views are so ingrained in my being I wouldn't be able to make the changes. I have spent the last year, and more specifically, the last 6 months on a totally different path and I've learned a lot about what I want and what I know to be true and certain.

I'd rather be wanted than needed.
I'd rather be loved than tolerated.
I'd rather know the painful truth than to be placated.
I'd rather walk away from someone I like than to be in something one-sided.

Maybe my virgo ways make me too analytical, but if I've learned anything it's that I have to be true to myself. I learned many, many years ago that I can't live my life to make someone else happy. Life is all about the choices we make and I'm choosing to follow my heart, regardless of how unconventional that path may be.

As I've said before, the Starlight Manifesto covers it all:

It is what it is;
We are what we are;
I can only by myself

Talent Quest Nationals 2009: All the Usual Suspects

2009-09-23T17:32:00.004-05:00

All the usual suspects are here. We hear them every year and know there will be new suspects added to the list from this year. [I can hear you all now, "Why would she talk about contestants who might see her blog?!?".....BUT, it's not what you think!]

Every year there are a few songs that make multiple appearances. We make our picks before the contest starts and to the winner goes the spoils of victory: a year of bragging rights for picking the correct song.

Usually it's a new song that has been a big hit, but sometimes we're thrown a curve ball and an old song comes out of left field and takes the prize. Last year we were ALL blindsided by a song that's at least ten years old. We've been keeping track this year and it's a tight race. Instead of telling you which songs are in the lead this year, I'll just list some of the annual "favorites".

Unchained Melody
Broken Wing
Breathe
Crazy
Before He Cheats
I Am Changing
Like We Never Loved At All
My Heart Will Go On
On My Own
Lady Marmalade (the atrocious Moulin Rouge version)

I'm keeping busy tabulating the scores as they roll in so I haven't been able to edit and post the videos which are calling my name, but I will try to get some of them up before the finals. Please keep checking in if I'm posting videos from someone you're supporting.

It has been a great week so far and I'm hoping my next post will be full of some amazing news about the production crew that's here from Harpo Studios! [yes......you read that correctly!]

Talent Quest Nationals 2009: Life-long Friendships

2009-09-22T14:50:00.000-05:00

I've been fortunate enough to have been a part of Talent Quest for the last 5 years. There are many contestants we see year after year and registration begins to look like an annual family reunion of sorts.

I have such great memories from my first year at Nationals. Being able to come out with my best friend, Jessica for her last eligible year of competition. It was a strange year, to say the least, but she and I had a great time living it up and having some great girl-friend time (which is hard to come by when your bestie has 2 kids).

Because I'm at the information table for more than half of the week's competition, I'm able to see and talk to almost all the contestants. It's virtually impossible not to form bonds of friendship with many of them. One of the things I find so gratifying about the competition is seeing the bonds of friendship between the contestants.

Plastered all over the casino and the elevators are these posters:

[I'll add the photo later....I had some technical issues]

The "Three Amigos" are contestants from Oklahoma, Wisconsin and New York who met 3 years ago when comepeting against one another. The bonds of music and a respect for one another's talent created a lasting bond of friendship. These men talk and scheme all year for the week they will all be together to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting casino guests and fellow contestants. :)

As staff, we have no influence on the judging but we do our best to remain neutral, but it's just not possible for us to look forward to and count the days until we see our friends, Gregg and Michelle. They have travelled to Oklahoma more than once to visit all of us and sing some karaoke. They are just some of the nicest people one could ever meet and we all consider ourselves lucky to call them friends.

In addition to the old friends, there are always "new" friends- those who are first or second time competitors. It's just so nice to be among people who share a love for music and a dream to perform which creates these bonds! It's AMAZING!

So, please enjoy a few videos from some friendly performances.

The Three Amigos:
[video to come.....more technical issues]

Raydog, one of my annual faves:

Jimmy, a new friend (he made Top 5 last year):

Gregg and Michelle:

[video to come......not recorded yet :)]

Talent Quest Nationals 2009: Check in and Registration

2009-09-20T16:12:00.004-05:00

After a non-stop flight to Vegas, sitting next to Ms. Rebecca, who had never flown before (she was GREAT!), I checked into my comfortable room (which I probably won't see as much as I would like).

In years past, I would arrive on Sunday in just enough time to throw my bags into my room and rush down to registration, but this year.......ahhhhhh! I arrived on Saturday and had the whole day to do whatever I wanted....it was fantastic!

Tomorrow morning I will "orientate" the judges at 9am and the competition begins at 11:00 am! I will be trying to record and post videos of some of the contestants, but that will depend on how busy I am with questions from contestants :D

On a personal note: tonight there was "open karaoke" in the pavilion theater, which is the big auditorium where the contest is held. For those who know me, you know I'm NOT a performer. I'm most happy to sing back up harmony, but there's NO NEED for me to be in the spotlight. I get plenty of attention through my wit and written word.......no need to put myself on a stage. BUT.....tonight, I was strong-armed into singing on that stage. TALK ABOUT HINEY PUCKER! I have SUCH admiration for all the performers who are so willing to take the spotlight so I don't have to do that!

But......if you need a back up singer who does killer harmony, I'm your girl. Call me and we'll work it OUT!

I'm headed to bed (maybe)!

Leaving on a Jet Plane!

2009-09-18T14:40:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I fly from Oklahoma City to Vegas (non-stop, baby!) for another year of Talent Quest Nationals! There's lots on my mind as I prepare for my 9 days immersed in music, but at the forefront of them all is what a difference a year makes.

When I was preparing to leave last year, I was happy with my job and had just started talking to this really great guy. The job and the guy are no longer, but I'm not unhappy about any of it, although I find I'm growing a bit nostalgic over the boy since so much was happening with him this time last year. I'm anxious to go and replace last years memories with new ones.........and I'm hopeful the last little bit of ache I feel when I think of him will subside.

I'm also looking forward to hearing lots of great singers (I'll try to blog and post some videos throughout the week if I have the time), seeing old friends and meeting new ones! Overall, Talent Quest has been the most rewarding volunteer gig I've ever had!

If you're interested in learning more about Talent Quest, click HERE

I'll be posting more next week as the contest gets into full swing.....it's gonna be a blast!

It's That Time of Year Again!

2009-09-09T16:34:00.003-05:00

Birthday frivolity will ensue!

Given my current lack of cash flow I wasn't sure I would actually go ahead with the traditional "schedule of events" but it seems to have become a tradition. I normally send out my invitations a couple of weeks in advance and really didn't think anyone would notice I hadn't sent anything out.

I was wrong.

Over the past few days I have received so many e-mails and messages from friends asking about the schedule of events for the weekend. What started as a joke 9 years ago in an attempt to deal with so many different friend's schedules has become something I really look forward to every year.

There's nothing better than good times with great friends, no matter what the reason for coming together. I'm so blessed to have so many wonderful friends to whom I can turn to in times of stress or on whom I can depend. I feel every one's birthday is a special event.....it's the celebration of the reason you're on the planet and I feel it's meant to be shared, no matter what the circumstance in life.

So.......thank you my friends! You make me so happy to be ALIVE! Come celebrate with me if you can!

Facebook: A Love/Hate Relationship

2009-09-08T18:57:00.003-05:00

I joined facebook several years ago....long before many my age, because of the prompting of a younger co-worker (shout out to J-Ho!). Back then it wasn't as user-friendly to the older generation, but I persevered because I'm not a quitter (usually).

Because my 20 year high school reunion is coming up, there has been a veritable flood of people my age joining the facebook ranks and I've enjoyed getting back in touch with old friends and forging new found friendships with acquaintances.

But, facebook can be a double-edged sword. Social networking and the internet in general has really diminished the distance and boundaries of generations past and I find many of the reasons I love facebook are also the reasons I hate facebook.

I LOVE the convenience of being able to keep up with many people from a central location.
I HATE the narrowness of my internet use since I can keep up with so many people from a central location.

I LOVE that I can control who sees what I post to my profile.
I HATE that I can't control what people see of my posts to friend's profiles

I LOVE to discover friends from another friend's list.
I HATE that others can discover friend's from my friend list.

I LOVE when the facebook IM function works and I can contact people instantly.
I HATE when the facebook IM function doesn't work.

You can see where I'm going with this and I could go on and on........I really do LOVE how accessible people are, but tonight, there's something I HATE more than ANYthing facebook has given me. More than once, in the past 2 weeks, facebook has been the vehicle which has dropped drama right on my virtual doorstep......and if you know me, you know I have absolutely NO tolerance for drama. Seriously........I'm almost 40 years old and I think it's asinine to have one of my relatives call me because they have been contacted by a girl telling them they think I might like their man.

What??? Are we in the 3rd grade? Chances are, if I accepted someone as a friend on facebook, it's safe to assume I like said person. But......if my "man" were on facebook, and I thought someone was putting the moves on him, I would talk to HIM about that......not the other girl's relative. But....again, I'm almost 40, have no use for drama and believe direct communication is the best approach when in a relationship (whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship).....unlike the drama llama who is trying to disturb my groove when I just want a peaceful existence.

A New Sun Rising

2009-09-02T21:08:00.003-05:00

I am unemployed again.

But that's not a bad thing.

But I don't want to write about that, really. I want to focus on the opportunities ahead of me! I've been blogging for 3 years now, and in that time, there are some common themes that pop up fairly regularly. One of them is my eternal optimism. I don't know if I was born with it, or if it was something my parents instilled in me, or both. But whatever the reason, I'm so grateful it comes easy for me......especially in times such as this.

So, now that I'm loosed from the bonds of a job I hated, I am faced with endless possibilities. I've had a yen lately to sell almost everything I own and travel......what's to keep me from doing that now? I'm not quite sure I'm ready to do that yet, but it would be much easier to do now than it would have a month or even a year ago!

I've said it many times before and I'll probably say it many times in the years to come: It doesn't matter how bad life gets......because even on my worst day, I'm so glad to be alive. NO ONE is guaranteed a tomorrow so I want to live everyday in the moment. And, hopefully, when I come to end of my journey, I'll have no regrets about how I lived my life.

I've known many pessimists in my life and it always makes me want to try and reason with them......don't they understand? By constantly complaining about circumstances, they're wasting the time they have to go out and change those things.....time for living life to the fullest!

So, I look forward to the future! No day but today!

That's Where the Music Takes Me

2009-08-23T20:49:00.005-05:00

In less than a month I'll be leaving for Talent Quest nationals. This time of year finds me submerged in music, but you won't hear me complain about that.

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I've written before about how there's music tied to every major event in my life, but my relationship with music goes so much deeper. When I was little, my mother often told me the story of the first time she held me after I was born. She would say, "You love music because the first time I held you, I sang to you right away." My first outside contact with my mother was hearing her sing, not speak to me. Who knows? Maybe she's right about that first encounter shaping my love for music......that coupled with the fact that the entire time I was in her belly I was probably listening to her sing to my sister, Melissa, who was only one at the time.

Music permeates my childhood. Many evenings the entire family would gather around the turntable which was built into a cabinet with the TV (do you remember those?) and we would listen to entire albums.....one after another.

My sisters and I would have singing competitions in the bedroom (with ourselves as the judges, so I'm sure you can imagine how that would go) which started when I was in kindergarten. I can still remember us taking turns, signing the same song and then trying to decide who had "won". Even times when I wasn't dubbed the winner I would think to myself, "That's okay.....I know I was the best"!

For birthdays and Christmas, music was a common gift. I've posted this picture before, but notice how I'm not much bigger than the album I'm proudly displaying!

Even our television viewing had a slant towards music.......I don't think I ever missed an episode of the Donny & Marie Show, Sonny & Cher, Tony Orlando.......and, on the weekends at my grandparents, Hee-Haw and Lawrence Welk. All of this worked to give me a broad appreciation of music.

But, my favorite childhood memory of music is everyone singing together when a song we loved would play. Most often, this would happen in the car..........I can close my eyes and imagine it now. Warm, summer day, windows down, wind blowing all around us and there it is......that song, the one we love.....and we're singing! Absolutely one of my favorite things.....still to this day!

And THAT'S where the music takes me!

The Bottom of my Heart

2009-08-20T12:14:00.005-05:00

Last week was a stressful one for me......mostly just trying to get through a challenging year of TQ regionals, but mixed in with that was having to deal with two "ghosts of boyfriends past" (as I like to call them). Mainly, Pepe. I haven't had any contact with him since the end of May (which is a long time for he and I to go without at least e-mailing) and I hadn't been missing him at all which makes me know I've finally gotten over him........mostly.

The poem I'm posting is actually one I wrote when I was about 15........and then I changed the final lines when I was in college. I can't remember writing it about anyone in particular, but I must have..........I guess it just proves that time heals all wounds. Regardless, this little, silly, school girl poem just won't stay out of my head, so I'm trying to blog it out!

I thought that we were finished,

We said that we were through.

I tucked your memory away

and tried to start anew.

I went along my merry way

without another thought

but suddenly, your name comes up

and my heartbeat seems to stop.

Why-- (if I am over you

and all my wounds have healed)

why am I feeling lonely here?

What has my heart concealed?

So, I searched my heart completely,

down to the deepest part-

to find I'd only forgotten you

'til the bottom of my heart.

Things I Love

2009-08-14T19:31:00.002-05:00

Here's a list of things I love and make me smile.

-crisp, clear fall mornings

-a cool room and a comfy bed piled high with blankets and pillows

-the sweet taste I get in my mouth when I tear open a packet of the "pink stuff"

-a chilled shot of SoCo with NO LIME

-late night IM conversations

-a whole weekend with no set plans

-going to the OKC Friends of the Library sale every February with Jess and Mandy

-waking up the morning after the library sale with a book hangover

-going to dinner with my fellow foodies

-the Double Crunchy

-my badass dog, Reggie

-good lyrics

-hearing my nieces and nephews say "I love you"

-being an auntie

-Guitar Hero and Rock Band tournaments with my nieces and nephews

-Alas, Babylon by Pat Frank

-a fun night of karaoke fun with great friends

-learning about people

-clever facebook status updates

-Sara Sara Cupcakes

-stars

-rockstars (of the lead singer variety)

-that first sip of coffee in the morning

-conies from Coney I-Lander

-coconut M&Ms

-college football

-the sound of the ocean

-being content

I Can't Quite put my Finger on it

2009-08-06T12:19:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling a bit frustrated and impatient these days.

Frustrated because I have the need to write and yet, up to now, have been unable to put any of my thoughts into words.

Frustrated because I want things to move at MY pace instead of relying on my tried and true philosphy of "it is what it is".

Frustrated because I've heard some disturbing things a "friend" has said and I'm unable to say anything becuase this person is connected to almost all my other friends......and even in my frustration, I don't want to do or say anything mean-spirited.

Frustrated because I'm so busy at this time of the year.......and all I really want to do is pack up and run away from it all.

Frustrated because I allow my moods to be dictated by someone else and how much they communicate with me.

Frustrated because my wants and needs aren't aligning at the moment.

Frustrated because men who are toxic have become boomerangs and keep popping up in my life to spread a bit of misery and then disappear again.

Frustrated because I hate to sound like a complainer, but it's MY BLOG....I write it for me, so here I am in all my frustrated, complaining glory.

The impatience comes from wanting the frustration to be gone yesterday.....and then being frustrated when it remains. It's really a vicious cycle, but I'm sure it will be better tomorrow.

I feel better having said all that.

Alone Time

2009-07-27T21:41:00.002-05:00

"I want to know
if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments."

From The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Do you like yourself? Are you able to be alone and still be happy?

I've been thinking a lot lately about this particular topic and have discussed it with several of my friends. In fact, it's something I've felt a deep connection with for many years. I firmly believe one can't expect to find happiness in someone else. I think liking oneself is a necessity and far too many people I know have never even stopped to consider "do I like myself?".

I know I've learned more about myself and my personal relationships in the times I'm alone- still and surrounded by silence. Maybe it's because I'm an analytical virgo, but I cannot imagine not having the quiet moments to look at and understand what's going on with my life. I don't have all the answers and I can't control what happens, but I know I'm far more likely to come to a better conclusion in the quiet, alone times than I am if I'm constantly on the go.

I don't mean to always sound like the eternal optimist, but a tiger can't change it's stripes and I'm so very happy these days.

So.....do you like yourself? Are you able to be alone and still be happy?

If you want to read The Invitation in it's entirety, go here.

Soul Mates

2009-07-22T14:42:00.006-05:00

I can already hear some of the grumbling from the peanut gallery, "Soul mates??? Puh-shaw!" That's fine.....I realize there are many who either don't believe in soul mates or feel uncomfortable with the term, but that's what I'm here for: to blog about things you might not otherwise consider. Okay.....so, that's probably NOT the reason I blog, but it sounds good.

I've expressed my views on soul mates to many over the years, but haven't actually ever tried to put it into words. So much of what I believe and feel is instinctual....seemingly wrapped up in my genetic make-up it's hard to convey to others. But I will try....Oh, I will try!

First of all it's important to note I don't think there is just one soul mate for each person, but rather several. But, I also believe there is one, true and perfect match for everyone. [I'm sure this comes as a surprise to some given my propensity to be a loner.] Believe me....I know this seems like a contradiction, but bear with me.....I'll try to clear it all up for you!

I'm sure everyone has had the experience of meeting someone and instantly feeling a connection. Love for the same authors, music, cars, vacation spot, sports team......all manner of things bring people together. Those people can be, and probably are, your soul mates. They may be in your life for a short time or might end up being a life-long friend, but the common bonds of those connections make the span of time irrelevant.

I also believe a soul mate can also be a relative. Think about it......do you "gel" better with your mother? Are you closer to one sibling than all the others? What about that cousin who's like a brother or sister? Probably a soul mate. The dictionary defines a soul mate as a person with whom one has a strong affinity. I think, over the years, the term has been distorted into being synonymous with one, true love.......but that's untrue and an unfortunate misinterpretation of the word.

So, you're still not buying it? Well, close your eyes and imagine a perfectly still pool of water. Above that pool, the hand of fate and destiny holds a pebble. At just the precise moment (because you all know I believe nothing happens by accident), the pebble is dropped. The result? A perfect illustration of the different types of soul mates.

At the point of impact is yourself and your one true and perfect match. No, really..... just think about the pebble and the divot it creates on impact.......can't get much closer than that without being one, can you?

As the ripples progress outward, they symbolize the other levels of soul mates......the closer the ring is to the point of impact, the greater the bond with the soul mate. As you get farther from the center, the less the bond is. But, just because the outer circles have a weaker bond, they are still unequivocally connected to the initial pebble's impact.

So, there is my soul mate theory. Do you agree? Disagree? Do you have a theory of your own? I'd like to know!

Amy

2009-07-10T12:06:00.009-05:00

Since I started blogging in 2006 (way back when my blog was located on myspace), I've written tributes to and told many-a-story about the blessings my friends bring to my life. I'm not so sure I'm really deserving of all the great friends in my life but, I certainly hope it makes me extra appreciative of them.

Today, I'm blogging about my friend, Amy. I met her through a previous job and am continually grateful for the kind of friend she has turned out to be.

Here are some fun and interesting facts about me and Amy:

- Dave Chappelle brought us together

- We are in a band called "Break Dancing Whammies" (never mind we've never had even ONE band practice.....one day we'll get it off the ground!)

- We both understand how extremely funny and witty we are (never mind the fact most of the universe doesn't recognize it)

- We'd date ourselves if we could.....we're just that AWESOME ;)

- We workout most evenings together at the Y (solidarity, Sister!)

- We're a lot a like

- We're a lot different

- We share a fascination about serial killers

- We share a fascination of man's infatuation with the "psycho-girl"

- Spending time together is almost like being alone

Over a year and a half, lots of things can happen. With Amy, though, it's not the major life events which stick out as the stuff which has strengthened our friendship. No, the glue to our friendship is the everyday things which most would think mundane, I'm sure......(I refer you back to the list above.....we understand how funny/witty we are).

Amy is the friend who understands how GENIUS it is to make a catapult out of a fork and business card just so we can launch food at a glass office wall.

Amy is the friend who can remember obscure lines from movies but can't remember a conversation from 2 hours earlier. Amy is the friend who will dance on her desk at work after everyone has left because I think it would make a good pic (oh, and she agrees with that as well).

Amy is the friend who understands and shares my love for mind numbingly funny YouTube videos like NigaHiga, Retarted Policeman and countless others we love (Leeeeeeeeeerooooooooooy Jeeeeeeeeeeenkiiiiiiins!).

Amy is the friend who understands my neurotic fear of the unknown and constantly plays Devil's Advocate to my crazy, virgo ways. Amy is the friend who quotes lines from Pulp Fiction and The Princess Bride in righteous opposition to a dive bombing bird who is only trying to protect his home. Amy is the friend who went with me to my first and only "Prom".

And.......Amy is the friend who would move with me if my life ever took me away from OKC and who would beg me to move with HER if her life took her away from here, as well. [And.....I'd go to great lengths and distances to visit her if we ever found ourselves living in different places.....and I just assume everyone who knows her should feel that way was well....'cause she's just that AWESOME!]

Amy and I talk a lot......sometimes about very weighty world matters.....other times it's just about all those stories of cats nursing pandas or dogs nursing tigers, but whatever the subject matter, this one thing I know: I am so lucky to have become such good friends with her.

Thanks Aim-Dawg, you're the best!

ps.....Tommy says to tell you, "hi"! ;)

I've Got a Secret.....

2009-06-22T16:05:00.003-05:00

Well, I've got a secret crush.

It doesn't matter how old I get, I absolutely love the feeling I get when I first start to like someone and they show an interest as well.

Why so secretive? Because who knows if it'll pan out or turn into anything substantial....I'm just drafting off the excitement for the moment.

And goodness knows I need something good like this after the experience of the last 8 years.

And.....I promise to let you all in on more details if anything more develops!

[Imagine me singing, "I've Got a Crush on You"]

An Open Letter to Sugar D

2009-06-09T19:20:00.002-05:00

Dear Sugar D,

After reading your e-mail this afternoon entitled, "Hey", I thought of a few things I wanted to clarify but decided they were best discussed out in the "open" given your propensity to misinterpret what I'm saying.....even when I go out of my way to articulately and succinctly explain what I need you to know.

I would have said some of this in my e-mail response to your finite epistle, but then my readers wouldn't have the joy of seeing what a self described "dick" you are. [for the record, I sincerely doubt you'll wander over here to read this anyway......but it will be cathartic for me, to get these things off my chest]

Firstly, from the beginning, you and I were flirtatious, to say the least. In fact, I'd go so far as to say flirting was the basis of the beginning of our friendship (please bear in mind a friendship is one of the many types of relationships, so don't flip out if, further in this letter, I refer to our association as a relationship). Before embarking on this fantastic voyage you and I have shared, I paused (as any self respecting, cautious, virgo would do) and made it a point to gain some assurance from you about my concerns the steps we were about to take could have a major impact on our fledgling friendship. Let me remind you with some dialog from our HUGE IM archive: [AND....although I'm pretty vexed at the moment, I'll continue to protect your identity, even though you don't deserve that kindness after the mistreatment you've given me over the past month]

Monday, Sept 15, 2008

stargurrl13 (3:28:52 PM): okay.....before I send this.....
b***********(3:28:59 PM): yes...
stargurrl13 (3:29:41 PM): .....I need to know things won't get "weird"....I like our rapport and don't want that to change AT ALL
stargurrl13 (3:29:45 PM): dig?
b*********** (3:29:56 PM): i dig
b*********** (3:30:06 PM): we just two wild and crazy kids...having fun

Seriously......I know it was 9 months ago, but was I unclear about my hesitation to take it to the next level??? And, if you didn't understand, you should have asked me to explain it more PLAINLY.

Secondly, I'm sorry about the extreme guilt you feel over cheating on your girlfriend, but you are an adult and you weren't forced to make those choices. More from the IM archive!

Monday, Sept 22nd, 2008:

b*********** (3:48:51 PM): i dont want to mess up our friendship/**** relationship etc!
b*********** (3:48:55 PM): you understand i am sure
b*********** (3:49:12 PM): i hope it wouldnt, but scary to take the chance...you know
stargurrl13 (3:49:35 PM): I do understand.....doesn't make it any easier for me
stargurrl13 (3:49:49 PM): ...I get kind of pouty.
stargurrl13 (3:49:56 PM): ...but I'll live
b*********** (3:50:02 PM): don't get pouty on me!
b*********** (3:50:19 PM): i would do it in a second if i didnt have a ding dong live in girlfriend....
b*********** (3:50:33 PM): i just really have to wrestle it
b*********** (3:50:51 PM): i would love to...i think about it a lot...prolly too much...you know
stargurrl13 (3:51:26 PM): it's definitely something that should be considered...there's more of a risk for you, for sure and I can totally appreciate that.
stargurrl13 (3:51:50 PM): ...I just don't want you to think I'm pressuring you in any way
b*********** (3:52:21 PM): you're not. i love it. i'm having so much fun and it really makes me smile and happy and i look forward to coming to **** and such
stargurrl13 (3:52:31 PM): same here
b*********** (3:52:42 PM): i obviously have no intention of hurting you, or c-snatch* for that matter...so that is where the brakes come in *[name changed to further protect Sugar D]
b*********** (3:53:05 PM): if we did it, then things got awkward it would just suck!!!!!
stargurrl13 (3:53:29 PM): that would suck.....
stargurrl13 (3:54:01 PM): however, I just don't see that happening....hard to explain...has to do with gut instinct....
stargurrl13 (3:54:27 PM): but things are cool the way they are, too
stargurrl13 (3:54:31 PM): very fun
b*********** (3:54:51 PM): we're gonna have to jump off that bridge when we come to it...
b*********** (3:55:09 PM): cuz i looking forward to the day we get to act all this out....
stargurrl13 (3:55:18 PM): me too!

Please notice how I expressed concern you would think I was pressuring you......and how I assured you things were cool they way they were. I won't publish the millions of times I would tell you, "I'm following your lead....as always, I take my cues from you." So.....you screwed around on your girlfriend and enjoyed it....and now you feel guilty. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't see how it is my responsibility to keep you from feeling that guilt. This was well discussed territory between us LONG before we put any action to our "association".

Thirdly, (and related to my incredulity over your inference I'm responsible for your guilt), time and again, starting with the word document I sent you which outlined the seven points written to set you at ease about the changing nature of our "association", I have assured you my intentions were NOT to break you and c-snatch up.......in fact, I went out of my way to help keep our secrets. I mean, really, what other girl have you been with who secured a pre-determined escape route from your home in the event c-snatch should come home earlier than expected? I'm guessing NONE! [Let me take this opportunity to point out just how very lucky you are to have been "associated" with one as reasonable and non-psycho as me. You do realize, if I were so inclined, a trip to your home and a short visit with c-snatch would ensure the demise of that relationship. Again......that's not my style and something I would never do. I know you understand this.......but I did want to point it out since this open letter might appear a bit harsh to some]

Lastly, from the beginning, I said when push came to shove, at the end of the day, it was about friendship. You and I have a lot in common and it was established over and over we were friends first and friendship didn't amount to "strings". I've explained over and over how I'm a master at compartmentalizing my feelings and even though it has been explained, you continue to believe everything I do or say is motivated by some undying love for you. Please......give me a break. This wasn't my first rodeo and I knew what I was getting into from the start. You, however, were in way over your head and couldn't take the time to admit it.

Lest you think I only have bad feelings towards you at the moment, let me say, I will forever be grateful for the extreme kindness and tenderness you showed me during my weeks of unemployment. I do not say this lightly or as an exaggeration but, your constant attention and care during that time saved my life. And for that reason, I truly mourn the fact that you are unable to maintain your end of the bargain and remain close friends.

I think the insult to the injury was the fact you actually believe your email hurt my feelings and you think I can't imagine my life without you in it. Your email only served to raise my ire enough to publicly (while still protecting your identity) call you out about your dick-ishness. I don't know if you'll ever realize, Sugar Dick, the unjust way you've treated me, but that's truly not my concern. I kept every part of every promise I made to you and I will not apologize or feel guilty about it. My advice to you about your guilt.......Let it go!

Constant as the Northern Star,
stargurrl13

ps.......thanks for the pics!

It's Good to Come Home!

2009-06-02T08:08:00.002-05:00

Ok, so maybe a return to regular blogging isn't "home", but the feeling is the same. And, don't think for an instant my absence from the blogosphere was because I had nothing to write about....I just needed a break from the "white noise" for awhile.

But....

I'm better, I'm back! [for those who love the movie "Burn After Reading"]

The nice, sunny weather has had a lovely impact on my mood and spending time playing with my badass dog, Reggie Rawkstar always makes me smile. I've reconnected with some long-lost childhood friends and have had several opportunities to to travel the 2 hours to visit and spend time with my huge and lovable family.

I won't bore you with details of Pepe and Sugar D and all the happenings surrounding the unique aspect they lend to my daily existence......but suffice it to say, they're both still around, in the their ever-changing capacities. Men! I don't understand them anymore today than I did when I was 14, but they're oh so cute, so I've learned Resistance is futile.....and trying to understand the differences can drive a girl to drink!

Oh how I've missed blogging, but I'm much better for the time away. Hopefully some good writing will follow!

Peace to you all!

An Acrostic

2009-04-09T07:19:00.003-05:00

I hope you're all enjoying National Poetry Month.
(untitled- by Heather Cook circa. 1991)

Listening, ever listening, to the sound

of the wind blow. Wishing,

Only wishing, there was some way

I could show Tempting

Very tempting thoughts I have

in my mind

Everytime I see you, my heart feels

left behind

Caring looks which are meant for

someone else but me

Honest eyes look at me and

yet they do not see

Isolated circumstances which make up

who I am

Longing for the moment I'll share

all I can.

Dying from the pain

An Ode to my Facebook Status

2009-04-08T11:27:00.002-05:00

Consolation Prize- by Heather Cook

I stand next to my opponent
Hands hovering over buzzers
-heart beating wildly in my chest-
Waiting to hear the words from your mouth
[That mouth!]
My eyes are focused on your bottom lip
-afraid I might miss something important-
My preparation for this moment is complete
My whole life a training session, leading me to this…..
I’ve passed every test imaginable
I’m eligible for the grand prize
It’s mine for the taking
All I have to do is
Beat the Clock
Buzz in first and hope for
NO WHAMMIES!
The anticipation takes the air from my chest
Your mouth starts to move…..
WHAT?!?
All I can hear is “thump-thump, thump-thump”
And I am blissfully oblivious
As she beats me to the punch

But….I have a lifetime supply of rice-a-roni
[and you are the Biggest Loser]

Only 9 more days......

2009-04-06T21:11:00.003-05:00

I hope I can make it to the end of tax season! The ONLY good thing I can say is, "Thank God I'm getting paid overtime!"

You wouldn't believe how much I've missed blogging and it's hard for me to believe I haven't posted anything in over a month! But....all that is changing tonight, although this will be a short post and mostly written by others. It counts if I'm the one who compiles the collected writings, doesn't it?

Since April is National Poetry Month, I'm going to post a few poems which have had a huge impact on me and have helped shape the way I look at and relate to the world in which I exist. Scary thought, I know, but "it is what it is" (See....the Starlight Maniesto applies to everything!)

Advice to a Girl by Sara Teasdale
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed;
Lay that on your heart,
My young angry dear;
This truth, this hard and precious stone,
Lay it on your hot cheek,
Let it hide your tear.
Hold it like a crystal
when you are alone
and gaze in the depths of the icy stone.
Long, look long, and you will be blessed:
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed.

Jenny Kiss'd Me- by Leigh Hunt

Jenny kiss'd me when we met
Jumping from the chair she sat in.
Time, you thief, who love to get
sweets into your list, put that in!
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
say that health and wealth have miss'd me
Say I'm growing old, but add,
Jenny kiss'd me.

Hesitate to Call by Louise Gluck

Lived to see you throwing
Me aside. That fought
Liked netted fish inside me. Saw you throbbing
In my syrups. Saw you sleep. And lived to see
That all that flushed down
The refuse. Done?
It lives in me.
You live in me. Malignant.
Love, you ever want me, don't.

Song of Democracy- Walt Whitman (actually, the title is Book XXXI, Part 4 from Leaves of Grass but it is widely known as the Song of Democracy)

Sail, sail thy best, ship of Democracy,
Of value is thy freight, 'tis not the Present only,
The Past is also stored in thee,
Thou holdest not the venture of thyself alone, not of the Western
continent alone,
Earth's resume entire floats on thy keel O ship, is steadied by thy spars,
With thee Time voyages in trust, the antecedent nations sink or
swim with thee,
With all their ancient struggles, martyrs, heroes, epics, wars, thou
bear'st the other continents,
Theirs, theirs as much as thine, the destination-port triumphant;
Steer then with good strong hand and wary eye O helmsman, thou
carriest great companions,
Venerable priestly Asia sails this day with thee,
And royal feudal Europe sails with thee.

To My Dear and Loving Husband by Ann Bradstreet

If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee;
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me ye women if you can.
I prize thy love more than whole Mines of gold,
Or all the riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that Rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee, give recompence.
Thy love is such I can no way repay,
The heavens reward thee manifold I pray.
Then while we live, in love let's so persever,
That when we live no more, we may live ever.

I hope you all enjoy the poetry. Feel free to leave your favorite poem in the comments!
Peace!

Monday Music Showcase: Why I love Patty Griffin

2009-02-23T12:20:00.006-06:00

I've posted a couple of Virtual Mix Tapes (vol 1 and vol 2) in months past. And when I talk about music in my blogs, I almost always mention how important the lyrics are to me. Seriously.....if I like the lyric, virtually there's no way I can dislike the song. BUT.....if it doesn't have a good lyric (in my opinion) I probably won't like the song.

Patty Griffin is a MASTER with lyrics. She has written so many song which have been recorded by other artists, but what I love most is to hear her sing her own songs. I have never heard a Patty Song I didn't like and I don't want to bog you down with tons of lyrics, so I'm picking 3 which speak to me on so many levels......and it always makes my world peaceful and right when I listen to them......a great example of music calming the savage beast within! I hope you will take a moment to check out my 3 picks and then listen further to the lyrical lushness that is Patty Griffin!

"When It Don't Come Easy"
I can' imagine a better way to express love....."When you break down, I'll drive out and find you. If you forget my love, I'll try to remind you"

Lyrics | Patty Griffin lyrics - When It Don't Come Easy lyrics

"Rain"
Those of you who are from Oklahoma should recognize this song from the Integris commercial, but I loved it long before it was used there. Who hasn't felt like this at some point in their life? Although I feel happiness is a choice, everyone deals with sadness and I think this song expresses it perfectly.

Lyrics | Patty Griffin lyrics - Rain lyrics

"Useless Desires"
I feel like she invaded my brain and wrote this song from what she found there.....to hear something that so closely mirrors specific circumstances in my life gives me chills. This song might be my all-time favorite Patty song. "Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, old friend, I can't make you stay. I can't spend another ten years wishing you would anyway"

Lyrics | Patty Griffin lyrics - Useless Desires lyrics

I've tried something new with the video/lyrics widgets and I'm not sure they'll show up like I expect, so bear with me if I have to edit the blog several times to get it right. Also.....check out the really cool site where I got the widgit codes http://www.lyricmode.com/

Yet ANOTHER Quirky Character Trait

2009-02-21T12:33:00.002-06:00

I really rely on my instincts and first impressions of people.....I've done this for as long as I can remember and I'm eerily accurate with my assessments of people-even within minutes of first meeting someone.

My mother tells a story about when I was 4 years old. There was a gathering of adults from the church we attended and most of the couples had small children who were playing together while the adults sat and talked. As with most of these gatherings, I preferred to stay with the adults and follow the conversation (as best I could at such a young age). At this particular gathering, I decided to interject some of my own observations. The actual observations have been lost with time and memory loss, but they were amazingly accurate and it seemed to really freak out most of the other adults. At some point in the evening, one of the men came over and told my mother, "Keep an eye on that girl......she knows things and has a gift. She can read people better than most adults I know".

Thus went most of my childhood. I can "read" people and have always been able to do so. When I was young, I thought everyone could do it, but quickly learned that wasn't the case. I also learned to keep many observations to myself because of the "freak-out factor". Hearing a six, seven or eight year make accurate statements about a virtual stranger's character or motivations is disconcerting to most. I knew I was odd, but I didn't want to be looked at as a freak.

I want to be clear about my instincts.....I'm not saying I'm psychic. I can't see the future or predict what will happen, I can just tell a lot about a person and their personality and character within minutes of first meeting them. That's it. It's not a judgmental thing, it's just a thing. And I'm almost always correct.

Because of this ability, I can tell within minutes of meeting a guy whether or not I would be interested in going out with him. I know this seems judgemental, but it's not. I have very definite ideas about what I want in a man and I'm not willing to compromise those things. Very few men actually fit the bill, so when I do meet one who does, it's exciting. But, on the other side of the coin is when I meet a man who's interested in me, I already know within minutes if I want to go out with him......usually, I'm not interested and that makes it difficult sometimes. Believe me....it would be easier on me if I could agree to go out with one of them and see what time would tell, but I don't know if spending more time to get to know these men would change my mind any. But, I've never tested that theory. Mainly because there's usually something that keeps me from wanting to get to know him.

I guess I'm wondering if anyone else does this? I've grown so used to trusting my first impressions it's hard for me to imagine anyone would operate differently. I guess my one exception to my first impression is with friendship. But when it comes to attraction, I don't think I'll ever be willing to compromise.

Also......Tax season SUCKS! I miss blogging and I just don't have enough time! :(

Checking In!

2009-02-07T14:43:00.002-06:00

So.......since I work in a CPA's office and tax season is now in fill swing, I'm working 6 days a week and 10 hour days.......which means I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO behind in blogging and even further behind in reading and commenting on my favorite blogs :(

On the upside, my employers are generous enough to have me on an hourly rate so I get paid overtime for the extra hours I'm working and that makes it easier to take the dark circles under my eyes from the lack of sleep. AND, after tax season, they close the office for a week so we can all rest and recuperate from the craziness.

As far as my personal life goes, I've come to terms with some things about my personality as it relates to what I want from a relationship........and it's still the same......nothing traditional for me. It truly would make me miserable. The confusion I feel always comes from my trying to be more "traditional" and "socially correct"......have a relationships like 99% of my family and friends. It just isn't my thing, but at least I know, for my peace of mind, I'm taking stock and checking periodically to make sure I'm still on the right track for ME.

To those of you who lovingly question me about whether or not I'm making the best choices with my relationships, I thank you! I do understand where you're coming from and it makes me feel so loved that you care about my well-being. I know it's frustrating because what I want and need from my relationships is so different, believe me......it was frustrating for me to try and be in a traditional relationship. But....as the Starlight Manifesto goes: It is what it is!

Hopefully I'll be able to blog a bit more in the coming week.....I do have stuff I'd like to write. Finding the time to write them is the challenge.

Fatally Flawed?

2009-01-25T15:33:00.006-06:00

My mother used to say, "There are girls you date and there are girls you marry". I knew what she was trying to convey, but I'm not talking about sex when I make the statement: I'm the girl one dates. I'm not even sure I'd ever want to marry, but I seriously wonder if it's just something about me which makes men pass me over for someone else. I've presented my theory on Psycho Girls and I thought for awhile the reason I kept losing the guy to some other girl was because I didn't have it in me to be the "psycho".......but there HAS to be at least one single man out there who doesn't want the theatrics and the drama!

I'll be the first to admit I'm fiercely independent and somewhat solitary BUT that only goes so far as an explanation. Maybe I'm being too generous with my assessment of my loner tendencies, but I don't feel it's so extreme to the point of my not being able to have a "normal" relationship. And yes.....I realize I'm notorious for attracting men who are unavailable because they have a girlfriend or even a fiancee, but I don't purposely seek out those who aren't available and I certainly don't have any special power that makes them attracted to me (not that I'm aware of anyway, but there's something about me they find appealing).

So I've been thinking a lot this past week about WHY I'm not the kind of girl it appears so many men want. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to figure it out but I have learned a lot about how my beliefs and desire for consistency affect my life.

I believe in predestination.......or destiny, fate.....whatever you want to call it. I feel a relationship (as with all things in life) will happen if it's meant to be. This is the sole reason I simply cannot be the Psycho Girl. If I have to resort to histrionics to "keep my man" it's just not right. If I have to manipulate a situation like that, I feel it's manufactured and unnatural. And, if I resort to those tactics once, in order to keep my man, will I have to do it every time? Isn't that type of behavior in direct contradiction with my beliefs and personal life philosophy?

But......at what point do I become the fatalist? Am I losing out because I fail to act at the crucial moment by declaring my feelings and making my wants known? There's a fine line and I struggle to find the balance and remain true to myself and what I believe. I can only be myself. I believe this with all my heart and soul and don't want to compromise.

This will likely be a struggle which will continue in my brain.....trying to reconcile both wants and needs with my personal beliefs.

But at the end of the day, regardless of my consistency, losing sucks..........and really hurts.

We've Come 'Round Right!

2009-01-20T15:43:00.004-06:00

Today has been full of inspiration for me. Not just because of the historic inauguration of our first black president, but also because of the music that has been around me today.

I've mentioned my Top 5 group before [you can read about them here].....well, today's Top 5 topic was: A day of hope. What Top 5 songs give you hope? I always enjoy the answers I get from our unique and diverse group, but today it all just made me happy and content.

Then, as I watched the inauguration and was listening to the arrangement by John Williams I was once again inspired by the music. His arrangement of Simple Gifts seemed so appropriate to me, but not just because of the historic day, but because of the life philosophy by which I try to live. [You can read about the Starlight Manifesto here]

I'm still processing today's events and I might have more to say about it later, but for now, I leave you with the wonderfully simple and appropriate words of Simple Gifts by Elder Joseph Brackett

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free,
'Tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.
When true simplicity is gain'd,
To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,
To turn, turn will be our delight,
Till by turning, turning we come round right.

In Memorium

2009-01-18T13:15:00.004-06:00

When I was in high school, I had 2 best friends, Audra and Becky. Both of them moved to Owasso at the beginning of the 9th grade and I met them both on the first day of school. I had no idea how much that day and meeting those girls would change my life.

We had so much in common and had so much fun together. We called ourselves the Boo Boo Sisters (Heather Boo Boo, Becky Boo Boo and Audra Boo Boo). I even made a Boo Boo Baby for Becky to take on a band trip because she was the only Boo Boo Sister going and we didn't want her to be alone. Yes, I know that's cheesy, but we were 15.....what do you expect?

Becky was talented both academically and musically, but what made her so special was her kindness. Becky was kind to every person she met. There were no social barriers she couldn't ignore......it made no difference if it was the nerdy weirdo or the popular cheerleader, Becky would treat everyone with the same respect and kindness. By the time we were Juniors, Becky was class president and well liked by everyone. The Boo Boo Sisters were as tight as ever and things seemed relatively care-free.

On January 18, 1988, Becky was killed in an accident on her way back to school from having gone to retrieve a yearbook layout she had forgotten at home. I had seen her in the hall that morning as I was rushing to my first class and we exchanged a few words about the exciting things happening in our boy-crazy, high school lives and promised to find time later in the day to really discuss all our news.......but that was the last time I ever spoke to Becky.

Her death had a profound effect on me and still does to this day.

Because of Becky's kindness to everyone, I try to be the kind of friend to my friends and those I meet that she was to me. I feel this is the best way to honor her memory and keep part of her alive.

Although it has been 21 years, Becky is still very much a part of mine and Audra's lives and friendship. We try to make fairly regular trips to her final resting place in Missouri and hope her family finds comfort in knowing how much we loved her, too.

Continue to rest peacefully our beloved Boo Boo Sister. We love and miss you!

..............until we meet again.

Starting the New Year with a "Bang"! (This one's for YOU, Jess!)

2009-01-10T20:59:00.005-06:00

Now that I'm gainfully employed again and have made it through a tough holiday season of weirdness because we're not celebrating until my brother-in-law is home from Kuwait, I feel light-hearted and free....as if the dark clouds of despair have all departed and can't return.

Here's what I've done since the New Year!

On Wednesday, I met my friend, Amy, after work for coffee. When I got there, I saw that she had cut bangs into her hair and it was so freakin' cute. While we sat there and talked, I noticed some business cards on the table. I picked one up and saw it was for a salon which was located upstairs from where we were having coffee. I said, "If they were still open, I'd get bangs cut into my hair, too!" Amy thought that was a fantastic idea, so we called upstairs to see if anyone was still there..........YES, there was and she told us to come right on up! If you've known me for any amount of time, you'll know that I'm a planner. It's just what I do.....I can't help it and it's almost like a sickness with me. I've learned to embrace the neurosis, but many of my friends make fun of me, so getting bangs on a whim is totally out of character for me.

Here's what my bangs look like: [more blog after the pic!]

While Coel was cutting my bangs, I commented out loud that I wished there was time to re-do the color on my hair. When I left the salon with my sassy bangs, I had an appointment to come back on Saturday to have the color done.

Here's what my new color looks like: [still more blog after the pic]

So.....this is part of how my new year has begun. In addition to the hair, I've gone back to the South Beach diet and will not gain back the weight I lose this time. It's so comforting to know that I've already had great success with the SB lifestyle in the past....I know I won't fail!

Pepe and I have been talking again lately and it seems as if all the weirdness has past, for which I'm very grateful. I've even been surviving without a full 8 hours of IM conversation with my lifesaver, Sugar D. The new year makes me think of what Anne's teacher told her, "Each day is fresh, with no mistakes in it." The New Year is also fresh with no mistakes in it and it makes me feel as if I can conquer the world!

I don't really make resolutions, but as a planner, I constantly set goals. That some of them coincide with the New Year is inevitable, but succeed or fail, I just remember that tomorrow is a new day without any mistakes in it and I can start over again.

[I hope I haven't gotten too sappy for you all]

I leave you with this parting photo. Me, on my birthday in 1976. My hair has come full circle: [no more blog after this pic]

Set in My Ways?

2009-01-03T07:32:00.003-06:00

I have so much I'd like to blog about, but I don't have the time......I really shouldn't even be stopping to post this, but it has been 5 days since my last post I decided to write something quickly and then get back to work.

Why so busy? I'm clearing a room and 2 closets for a refugee who's coming to live with me for an indefinite amount of time.

Before you think how charitable I am, it's not a refugee from Darfur or the Sudan, but rather a friend who has no where to go.

This friend has always been there for me and I'm happy to help, but I can deny I'm nervous about the whole situation. I won't go into all the reasons I'm feeling anxious about it, but instead will focus on my almost fanatical need to have total privacy and my own space. I've shared living space successfully in the past with two wonderful friends with whom I'm still in contact to this day.......but 37 years of age, I've become so set in my ways.

I love to be social and hang out with my friends, but at the end of the day, I can go to my house and enjoy total solitude. I can take off every stitch of clothing and walk around naked all day on the weekends, but all that will have to change. I could easily become a recluse, but I haven't gotten that bad, yet. I'm not so sure I'd be this anxious if I hadn't just come out the most challenging time of my life. 2008 brought more than enough change to last me a decade and I was sure that things were back to normal when I finally went back to work........WRONG!

I knew it was a possibility I'd be providing refuge for this friend, but it came much more suddenly and with no flexibility to give me time to prepare properly. Instead I have been up since 5:30 am to start making room in other parts of my home for furniture and possessions.

I really hope I'm not too set in my ways and this living arrangement ruins a friendship :(

Fair Warning!

2008-12-29T18:58:00.002-06:00

Me and the girls are going out tonight for a little karaoke and conversation!

And I'm taking my camera.......
....with brand new, fully charged batteries!

I might even shoot some video to post!

You've been forewarned!

Post-Holiday Musings

2008-12-28T19:28:00.002-06:00

Christmas was really strange this year......actually, the strangeness started at Thanksgiving and has just continued on. It's really a mixture of things, I think. I've never been one to just "make it through" the holidays, but this year, I'm glad most of it is past me.

Between my unemployment at Thanksgiving and putting Christmas on hold until my brother-in-law is home from Kuwait, the holidays were just really different for me this year. I still went to my parents house for a few days and enjoyed seeing all my nieces and nephews, but I hope I never have another year like this year. I won't go into all the little things that amassed to make it a big let down so I'm going to blog about something I find very amusing!

If you blog and haven't checked out Site Meter, you should! One of the features I love about Site Meter is being able to see what words people enter in search engines that will land them on my blog. Most are benign, but some are a bit scary. Most of the hits I get from Google or Yahoo searches are from people who are looking up, "what is stelliform". I was delighted to find that I'm the first search result on google when one types this (probably has nothing to do with the fact that blogger is linked to google, right?)!!!! The second most prolific search result that will lead one to my blog is, "Coney I-Lander chili recipe". I don't have the recipe (oh, how I wish I did!), but many people love Coney I-Lander as much as I do and covet the much sought after secret chili recipe. Other searches that have brought people to my blog which I find amusing are, "is the universe sending me a message", "shag balls", "psycho girl" and "starlight manifesto".

I think I find as much amusement in cruising through my blog stats as I do reading my favorite blogs. Seriously......if you're blogging and aren't using a stat counter, you need to check it out! Not only will you get amusement from some of the stats, but you can finally determine how many "lurky loos" are reading your blog and not commenting.

AND while I'm thinking about it, here's a shout out to all the "lurky loos"! It's fine with me if you don't want to comment. I appreciate your stopping by to read the frivolous bit of fluff I send out into the blogosphere!

Words....

2008-12-17T00:53:00.005-06:00

Sometimes there are no words.....
....and other times, there are only words.

Here are my words....interpret them as you will (but please don't dump on me for the language....this is what's on my heart).

Road block
cell block
TICK TOCK
unblock

Chock o block
cock block
block kick
DROP KICK

BLOCKADE
block out
blockage
nerve block

Building block
butcher block
CHOPPING BLOCK
cinder block

Block letter
block buster
ball buster
HEART CRUSHER

Starting block
STUMBLING BLOCK
writer's block
head lock

Hip hop
non stop
mind fuck
I'M BLOCKED?!?

A Simple Girl with Simple Needs

2008-12-13T14:24:00.003-06:00

It's amazing how just knowing I would be returning to work has had such a healing effect on my emotional state. It's usually very easy for me to keep things at an even keel as far as feeling blue goes, but the past two months sort of proved otherwise. Don't get me wrong.......although I had some pretty dark days, my worst days were a picnic compared to other's brushes with depression.

Nonetheless, this entire week has felt like I was emerging from the abyss and it is such a good feeling to feel normal again!

So, to get to the actual topic of this blog, I want to share some of the simple things in my life that make it bearable and normal for me.

A job......that goes without saying, but I've modified how I look at employment. I don't need the moon.....just a place to work and enough money to cover my bills and modest living expenses. Having just a bit more than needed is nice, but I've learned it isn't necessary and it won't make me any happier, so I'm very thankful for what I have. Paychecks are a wonderful thing.

A home....I'm so thankful the new landlord is going to keep me as a tenant!

Friends.....people who are there for the good and bad are priceless gems. I'm fortunate to have a fantastic network of wonderful friends who would do anything for me. [And....if any of you ever need anything, let me know. I'm happy to return the favor]

Instant Messaging.....again, it's the small things that make my life bearable and instant messaging is one. I'm not much for talking on the phone and texting fills up my phone mailbox too quickly and I hate to delete messages, so instant messaging steps in and fills my communication needs perfectly!

Good food....I'm a foodie and I love a good meal. It doesn't matter if it's home cooked, from a nice restaurant or a little hole-in-the-wall dive. If the food is good, I'll be happy. Those who know me personally and have eaten with me know all about the Happy Food Dance! When I put a bite of good food in my mouth, I do a little dance in my seat......it's totally involuntary but it's the true sign that my mouth is happy and a happy, full belly will soon follow. [If you're interested in my Top 10 favorite place to eat, you can check that out HERE.]

Those are my simple needs. Today, at least.

Drumroll, Please...........

2008-12-09T09:57:00.003-06:00

After 11 long weeks of unemployment, I'm happy to let everyone know I'll be re-joining the ranks of the employed next Monday!

I don't know what my exact job title will be, but from what I can tell, I'll be managing (or helping to manage) a small accounting office. It's certainly not the kind of job I ever imagined myself doing, but I'm so grateful for the opportunity.

Unemployment has really opened my eyes to lots of things I thought I was aware of and compassionate about already. No longer will I look at a homeless person and assume they just want to beg for money on a street corner in order to buy their next drink. Although I didn't have to give up my home as a result of unemployment, I came too close for comfort and it was such a scary thing! It only takes one bad break to start the ball rolling towards homelessness......and once you no longer have an address or personal phone it becomes just that much more difficult to secure employment......let alone unemployment benefits.

Last Monday I received 2 job rejections and found out my landlord had sold the house in which I live. The company who let me go was fighting my claim for unemployment and I didn't have enough money to pay my rent and bills for the month of December.............it was rock bottom for me. The person who has been my constant voice of reason throughout this whole roller coaster of unemployment took the brunt of meltdown.........he let me flip out and then he brought it all back to perspective by just saying, "breathe in, breathe out.....relax......nobody has died". Exactly! This poor guy has seriously spent 11 weeks of 8 hour IM conversations keeping me sane, keeping my spirits up, keeping me entertained, encouraging me and giving perspective when desperately needed. He should be made a saint because it wasn't a walk in the park! I will love him dearly forever because of his kindness and friendship.

I know I mentioned this in a previous blog, but all those who have kept the encouragement coming through this blog and on facebook.....Thank you so much!!!!!!!!! Those words seem so inadequate to express the gratitude I feel for the wonderful friends I have.......willing to take me to dinner, let me come over and just chill, sending me daily messages of encouragement and prayers.

I'm so blessed!

I'm so employed!

Four Secrets (well, soon to be FORMERLY secrets) About Me

2008-12-07T18:19:00.003-06:00

My friend Jessica over at Fustian tagged me to do this meme. Well, she didn't just tag me, she challenged me to prove my worth and since lately, given my bad luck with the job hunt, I'll take any chance I can get to feel worthy for awhile.

Sheesh....this is going to be difficult because I'm really pretty honest with my friends. There are lots of things I could put that would surprise many of my readers, but not Jessica because she already knows about them. So, I'm going to have to go back many years to find something to reveal to her.

1. When I was in the 4th grade, I convinced all my friends that Mark Hamill, the actor who played Luke Skywalker, was my cousin. Not only did I convince my friends of this little scenario, but I also convinced my oldest sister, Julie, to write letters that were supposedly from Mark to show my friends as evidence. At the time, I didn't see it as a lie, it was a game of "how much can I make my friends believe?" Apparently I was so convincing, that 6 years later, when I was reminiscing about this with one of the friends I had convinced, she was floored to find out it wasn't true.......she still believed me after all those years. I guess I never did go back and clarify the situation to everyone......oops!

2. I am obsessed with all things 9-11. Especially documentaries and movies. I own so many of them and I have watched them over and over.....even the wacky conspiracy theory dvds that are out there. I've even read the NYFD survivor's transcripts of their debriefing interviews......I seriously don't know what my fascination is with this, but I really don't tell many people because it seems so morbid and maudlin.....it isn't, really, I just find it all so incredible that I have to read about it and watch it over and over.

3. When I was in the 6th grade, I had a huge crush on Ricky Melendez of Menudo. Well.....there's not much to add to that. The fact that I know the name of one of the most obscure members in the band's evolving line up should speak volumes.

4. I found out Zach H. was the one who told Kent about the blog he tried to fire me over. I also found out he has given info to Kent that has put a couple of other people on the chopping block. HE IS THE MOLE. [Sorry to those of you who won't understand this, but the secrets are for Jessica and she knows who I'm talking about] If Kent only knew all the crappy things Zach said about him........he's lucky I'm not vindictive or I'd write Kent a letter from a "well wisher" and give Zach a taste of his own medicine. [AND.....if this gets back to you Zach, do what you want with my blog....show it to whomever.....they need to know what you're really like] By the way.....just for the record, I didn't get fired over the blog in question.....blogging about being frustrated with your job isn't grounds for termination.

Ok......so the people I'm tagging to do this meme are Rebeckah, DeAnna, Lil Jenn, and Brian W.

Psycho Girl Theory....a work in progress!

2008-12-05T09:47:00.005-06:00

Between being born under the sign of Virgo and being born to a mother who was wise enough to teach me how to focus my neurotic, Virgo ways for the best, I've become a master at controlling my emotions and reactions.

I've never been one to "make a scene"...especially when it comes to men, and for years I've been trying to understand why so many men stay in relationships with women who are psychotic and jealous and constantly raise a ruckus over the littlest things.

I blame my inability to be the “psycho girl” on my Virgo sensibilities.

Let me site an example from junior high. Imagine with me, if you will.....it's Friday night and you're hanging out with all your friends at the football game. You're waiting for your steady guy and he's nowhere to be found. Later that evening, you see him sitting on the visitor's side with a girl who's a year older. After summoning some major courage, you walk past, making sure he sees you and then it happens.....he chases you down and tells you it's over.....he won't be calling anymore.

It just seems logical to me; if a guy tells you he's not going to call you anymore, there's no need to let him see you cry, even if you go home and weep into your pillow all night. It may hurt you to the very core, but does one really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? [Logically, no, but the heart is not an organ that deals in logic.] I can site example, after example of girls I know....women, even....who, when faced with a circumstance like this, will turn on the tears and throw a hissy fit. And guess what?!? I'd say about 69% of the time.......it works! She ends up with the guy.

Really?!? Where's my reward for taking the high-road all these years? I'll tell you where......he's out on a date with the girl who acts crazy, that's where.

I've seriously wondered about this for years and I had a really good theory going about why and how this tactic works. I had convinced myself this works because most guys don't want to deal with the drama so they do whatever they can to make it stop. In the case of my junior high example, he gets back together with the girl and the drama stops. BUT, what if there's something about the passionate display of emotion which speaks to a man's ego and he thinks to himself, "If she's willing to act like this because of me......WOW, she must really like me and would stick by me through anything!" [okay.......I know that's a long shot, but what if?!? ]

I'm the first to admit I'm unconventional when it comes to men but, I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure what direction my life is taking. The one thing I know is what I've had up to this point hasn't been enough to satisfy me. My level-headed, Virgo mind is telling me to keep an even keel and proceed like always, don't rock the boat, mind my p's and q's........but it just doesn't seem like the right course at this time. I mean, if I keep doing the same thing, I shouldn't expect different results, right?

To further compound this frustrating conundrum, is my belief that nothing happens by accident. If something is meant to be, it will happen.....regardless of how I react. So, I find myself in the odd position of wanting to speak up for what I want in the situation but not knowing how to balance it with what my head tells me is the logical path to take.

In an effort to try and sort all this out, I've been experimenting with “acting out” a bit when faced with the need to defend what I want in a situation instead of following my tried and true, never-let-em-see-you-sweat, cards to the vest approach. Don't get me wrong.....I'll still never be the psycho girl, but I won't hide the passion I feel in a situation. I'm still trying to find my balance, but the few times I've tried my new-found, passionate voice, the results have been exactly what I wanted.

It doesn't escape my notice how this new theory seriously changes parts of my life philosophy, but I don't want to behave and silence my heart any longer. Isn't something worth having worth fighting for?

So, I'm not going gently into that good night.....not without a little rage against the dying of the light!

Accentuating the Positive

2008-12-04T00:41:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year where so many people are writing "end of the year" blogs and lists. Let me be the first to say, "I'm ready to see 2008 to the door!" and have nothing but warm welcome for 2009. I'm expecting a better year. Shouldn't be too hard to meet that expectation as the bar is so low if it's based solely on 2008.

But, even though I'm not sad to see this year come to a quiet close, I feel I should mention the good things that happened in 2008.

Traveling to the Atlantic coast in both North and South Carolina......such beautiful places! Having grown up in a land-locked state, I love to see and hear the ocean any chance I get.

Watching my oldest nephew, Tyler, graduate from high school. He's such a fine young man and I'm so proud of him!

Being true to my word and ending a seven-year relationship because it was no longer the right thing for me.

So many good times with friends.....and usually involving karaoke!

So much good music in the world........it really does lift my mood to listen to music I love! I'm glad to have discovered Julia Nunes and Ingrid Michaleson this year. I'm also glad that Zooey Deschanel is part of the duo, She & Him. I love her voice and am glad to hear more from her!!

I'm happy to have discovered Josh "the Ponceman" Perry and his YouTube serial, The Retarded Policeman. Before you jump to conclusions based on the title of the show, you need to go HERE to read my previous blog about this incredible actor who never fails to put a smile on my face and laughter on my lips! So important to me these days!

Meeting Sugar D......I had no idea how important he would turn out to be, but he has been my northern star which constantly helps me navigate the ups and downs of my journey through unemployment.

I'm healthy and happy.

My parents came to my rescue and helped me by paying for much needed car repairs and don't expect me to pay them back until I'm back on my feet again........thank God for parents who love unconditionally and who will always be Poppy and Lovey Mom for me no matter how old I get!

All of the sweet and marvelous things my friends have said and done for me the last few weeks. I hate to name people because I will probably leave someone out and I don't want to make anyone mad.....but I want to mention a few! Jessica, Jessican, Rebeckah, Kelly, Holly, Amy, Andy, Jeff, Shannen and Sugar D for checking on me on a regular basis and giving me encouragement!
There are so many peeps on Facebook who have been so very encouraging.....because there are too many to name, you can go HERE and look at them if you like.

So......that's my short but very important list of good things from 2008. Let the countdown to 2009 begin!

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow? or It's Raining, It's Pouring?

2008-12-02T07:59:00.003-06:00

I couldn't decide on the title for this blog. The first one is definitely more optimistic, but the latter seems to be much more appropriate for the situation. The blog I've been waiting to write was one where I would tell of the 2 interviews I had before Thanksgiving and about how well they went.

I did have 2 interviews before Thanksgiving and both went very well. I knew it would be a few days before I heard anything, but I was counting on the 50-50 odds that one of the interviews would turn into an actual job.

Yesterday I got an e-mail fairly early in the day saying that one of the places had decided to go with another applicant after a coming to a "difficult decision". It wasn't the best news, but I had another option still out there.

While I was chatting with my friend and having a pretty good day, my landlord of 4 years called and told me he sold the house I'm living in............I was floored! My relatively good mood totally faded and I started to have a meltdown. Although I've been stressing over how I was going to come up with rent for the month of December, the prospects of dealing with a new landlord who doesn't know me and has no reason to try and work with me on my rent situation until I'm back to work were not pleasant. And I can't imagine what I'll do if the new landlord wants the property vacant and gives me a 30 day notice to move out! I just kept holding onto the fact that there was still the second job that might come through.

About 20 minutes after hearing about the house, I got an e-mail about the second job. E-mails are never the way one offers a job........well, almost never. Anyway, that job was offered to another applicant as well.

So.......this morning I will be scouring all the job sites once again for any sort of new postings and apply for anything I even remotely qualify for. It's hard to keep a good attitude and I appreciate all the people who kindly say, "it'll all work out, you'll find something", but it's so hard to hear that after 8 weeks! And, as much as I hate to admit it, I find absolutely no comfort in words like that......it's very easy to utter cliches like those from a nice, bright office where one goes to work everyday.

One thing that has come from all of this........a new compassion for people who are homeless. It only takes one bad break to start the wheels in motion. Now when I pass people who are sitting with their possessions in a cart I can see myself. Oh, I know I won't be homeless.....I have too many friends who will let me couch surf for that to happen, but I know there are plenty of homeless people with college degrees and marketable (whatever that means) skills who just couldn't catch a break and they landed on the street.

I really, really need to catch a break!

A Virtual Mix Tape for You- Volume Two

2008-11-19T23:12:00.003-06:00

Before I start in with my music selections, let me give a quick update to the job situation.......OH, there's nothing to update......not really. That's the main reason I haven't posted anything. I'm just afraid everything I write will sound too down in the dumps, so I've chosen to refrain from posting. I have several blogs in the works, but until I can really focus, they will remain on the "to be edited" shelf.

Volume Two of the virtual mix tape is my way of utilzing one of the things on my Happy List.
And, if you missed it, you can see Volume One here.

Click on the title to link to the song on YouTube.

Falling Slowly - Glen Hanserd and Marketa Irglova...from the movie Once. I love this movie and the words of this song really speak to me. Listen to the song and watch the movie!

Seeing Red - Unwritten Law...I first heard this in 2001 when it came out as a single. That year was another trying time not unlike what I'm experiencing now. Also, this song makes me want to bounce around!

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps - Doris Day....there are so many versions of this traditional spanish song (Quizas, Quizas, Quizas) but this is my favorite. Cake's version is a close second. This version is used in the movie Strictly Ballroom and I love that movie!

Tear In Your Hand - Tori Amos....this is from the Little Earthquakes cd which, in my opinion, is the best Tori cd of all time. I'm a book geek and I love that she mentions her friend and author, Neil Gaiman, in this song.....plus, I love the lyrics!

Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap.....this is from Speak for Yourself and I loved it the moment I heard it.....who puts the word "sewing machine" in a song?!? I was destined to love her and the entire cd. Not only that, she recorded the whole cd in her flat!

Kayleigh - Marillion.....this is a song from the 80's and you can tell by the video it was recorded while the Cold War was still a very real thing. I don't know much about the band, but I loved this song when I was in the 7th or 8th grade.

Sara - Bob Dylan....one of the best love songs ever written. I'd love to have a song this beautiful written about me. Say what you want about Bob's voice, but he'll always be a master with lyrics!

Candy - Iggy Pop and Kate Pierson....one of the best collaborations of all time!

To This We've Come - Eileen Farrell....one of the most beautiful and moving arias ever written. It is from The Cosul, written by Gian Carlo Menotti and is often called the Papers Aria or Magda's Aria. It's an 8 minute aria, but it's in English so I hope you'll listen to it even if you don't like opera.......it's so worth it!

Useless Desires - Patty Griffin...one of the greatest songwriters of all time! This is the first song I really fell in love with and it's still one of my favorites! This is a pretty poor live recording, but it's the best I could find so it will have to do.

Everytime You Cry - The Outfield.....classic 80's rock ballad. This takes me back to the summer of '86. Such good memories. I still have the concert t-shirt from this tour.

The Interview Process

2008-11-12T15:43:00.003-06:00

Just a quick update on the interview I had today!

This was the first round of interviews and it went well. They have a list of questions they ask each candidate. Of course, I feel I did well, but I won't know until Friday afternoon if I've made it to the next round of interviews.

The job would be challenging and at times very time consuming, but it would be in a field I love! Being busy has never been something that bothers me or stresses me out. In fact, those who know me understand I like to stay busy because of my irrational fear I'll be perceived as being lazy. [And let me tell you......5 weeks of not working has been a challenge, to say the least!]

Thanks to all who have sent me well wishes via, e-mail, text message, myspace, facebook and this blog! I'm feeling confident I'll make it to the next round of interviews, but it's still difficult to wait. If I make it to the next round, I'll most likely have another interview next Wednesday.......and I don't know what will happen from there, but I'll keep posting updates here when I have any news.

I really, really think this is the job for me! I'm excited!

Waxing Poetic

2008-11-11T07:47:00.003-06:00

I've already posted a couple of poems here and I intend to post more in the weeks to come. I'm not sure if I'll be posting any new stuff I've written or if it will be stuff from long ago.....BUT, in preparation and anticipation of some readers who either think they're not into poetry or who just don't understand it, I offer this trilogy of poems written to a friend who was reluctant to embrace even the simplest of poems. The poems are written from the Poetry's point of view:

A Cheesy Poem for My Friend (from Poetry, herself), In Three Parts

Part 1

You may not think you like me
I can really understand
With all the flowery mumbo jumbo
And words which seem so grand
But I can take on many forms
And I'm often not so "rhymey"
So if you ever change your mind
Call Heather and she'll help you try me!

Part 2

Please, don't
flee-
I don't blame you for
being reluctant
Poetry is like change
despised
feared
misunderstood
I don't want to change you
I just want a chance.

Part 3

I sat and thought of you today...
Hoping you would look me up
and invite me into your life.
I know, if I am patient, I will
Win you over.
In that respect, we are alike-
Both of us prizes
Each in our own right!
But you cannot see that
because you shut me out.
Please, please don't hate me because I'm Poetry!

Update and Links!

2008-11-09T15:58:00.004-06:00

At the time of my post last Thursday, things were really starting to get me down. But I'm happy to report I have a job interview this Wednesday with the American Cancer Society for their position of Community Relations! Not only is the news of an interview exciting, but it's doing the sort of job I love most!

Probably the most fulfilling job I've had, to date, was my seven years as Community Relations Manager for B & N! Not only did I love the type of work, but it came easy to me and it didn't feel like "work"! I didn't leave the job because I was dissatisfied with what I was doing, but because I had some major differences with the manager and knew they would never get any better, so I chose to move on before he chose to try and move me out. Everyday I have missed that job and I'm so encouraged I've got the opportunity to get back into the same field! I'll let everyone know how things go on Wednesday!

Here are some links I've "stumbled upon" and just can't get enough of! [Don't know what I mean by "stumbled upon? Find out more HERE]

The Eyeballing Game - I could seriously do this for hours every day.......okay, sometimes I DO this for hours every day. I think the site is self explanatory, but if you don't understand what to do, let me know and I'll help you out!

Watch Free Movies - Seriously......no strings! There are NEW movies here (I just watched Kung Fu Panda and it was only released on DVD today!) No registration required just click and watch!

Sage Advice

2008-11-06T11:10:00.003-06:00

The job hunt is going very slowly and my severance will stop on the 15th of this month. I started the paperwork for unemployment benefits, but I found out today that the corporate office is going to protest it and try to deny me.........I have the ammunition to fight, but I'd rather just find a job and not have to deal with it.

I'm trying very hard not to be stressed, but I'm starting to feel the panic rise. So, my very wise and constant IM friend mentioned that I might look at some of the job leads I've gotten for sales and I shut him down immediately. True sales people are horrible to work for and with. I asked my friend if he thought I was being stubborn and he gave me some very good advice. He said he thought I should look into a sales job as an interim possibility.....to get some income flowing.....and then continue my job search from there. I still don't want to work in sales, but I also don't want to be homeless and I don't know how long it will take to resolve the disputed unemployment claim.

If I thought I could bring in enough money right now just sewing and designing, I'd go ahead with that, but I don't like the unknown and there are too many unknowns involved with that.....the main one being, "How much money will I make?" I need to know my bills will be covered. End of story.

I'm off to apply for more jobs!

The Dawning of A New Day

2008-11-05T05:27:00.003-06:00

I'm almost speechless about the outcome of the election. I'm thrilled to have been witness to such an historic event and am happy to have been a part of making it happen.

I don't write many blogs about politics and this one won't be long or overly political. As one of the unemployed on the beginning edge of a recession, tonight's victory brings me hope. I look forward to the new administration of Barack Obama and their ability to repair the damage of the last 8 years.

I'm off to bed for the deep sleep of the contented.
I leave you with my favorite cartoon of this election season......it explains one of the biggest reasons America needed this change.